Grammy Nominee

The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.

And there’s no time left for losing

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Grandma, Music, Rock •   0

There are so many moments in time that I remember the exact conversation and remember just where I was – which direction I was facing and how it felt in that moment. A lot of times that moment felt like a punch in the stomach – probably because my stomach is incredibly affected by what I have learned is probably the release of brain chemicals – but I couldn’t tell you that in the moment. I either panic or melt. I prefer melt.

The earliest memory that I can remember at the moment was one that came back to cycle in my mind forever to come and it would feel different every time. I was with my grandma at Blanco State Park and we were camping relatively close to the public bathrooms. We were walking down the hill back to our camp site on the right side of the road when she said: “You know, if you keep dressing like that – eventually people are going to think you are interested in women. Are you?” I was so young that I honestly wasn’t lying to her when I got offended and said no, disgustedly – I would have responded the same way if she had asked if I was interested in boys – I am going to guess I was about 8 or 10 at the time. They had been struggling with ‘redirecting me’ lovingly but I don’t know that it is possible. My family has always adored me, I don’t think that they ever intended on being terrifying or offensive but in a way – they didn’t know better or thought it was the right thing.

Fast-forward to the day that my brother got bit by a copperhead at the state park in Edna, Texas. I can’t recall the name of the state park at the moment but we ate Thanksgiving there all of the time. It was the day before Thanksgiving in 2003 and my brother had already been driven to the hospital by my uncle (the one that I currently work with) and I had been tasked with collecting the snake to bring to the hospital – so my aunt and I were following behind with a dead snake in a bag. I used a shovel.

So the next conversation that is imprinted in my memory is when my aunt starts talking to me about being gay- at this point there was no denying it. I was in college, my first semester and everyone knew I was gay through I had not really brought a girl home yet – like to Christmas but that would come and they would do well. The conversation that we had that day in her car as we raced to the hospital to rescue my brother was her telling me that my life had just already been so hard and I was finally to the point that I was nearly out of my dad’s house. Everyone encouraged me to move out at that point because everyone was afraid of what would happen when he realized that his daughter was a lesbian – but nothing happened, thankfully. I acknowledged her concern and told her that I would be okay. She said that she just wanted me to be able to grow up and have the happy family that I have never gotten to have yet. She knows all too well what my siblings and I went through – and even at an extremely young age, I knew how to protect people from the trust – so I never even told them everything, I didn’t want to scare my grandma. The rest of my siblings have forgotten everything because they were so young, so my father and I are the only ones left suffering the burden of my childhood. No one hurt me, no one ever hurt me. I had a lot of people protecting me, but I watched my mom destroy my father over and over again and that alone has caused some damage.

I remember the moment that I almost fought my mom in my dad’s kitchen years before the above situation happened. My grandfather had just passed. I think I have talked about that before so I won’t relive the moment I almost got in my first fight and I feel like it would have been real. My dad knew it too and begged me to walk away – and I did.

When my brother was in the Edna hospital, I was standing with my grandma looking out the hospital window at my aunt, uncle and all the paramedics and probably entire hospital staff talking about what they were going to do. I must add that my brother had no insurance or even money to speak of. He had ran away from home to port aransas and he was still a minor. He wasn’t legally emancipated, he just left – so he had no legal guardian present, until they realized that I was 19, suddenly, I was his legal guardian. Back to the point about looking out that window, my grandma said, “Can you please go get George?” She was asking me to go get my grandpa, who had passed 3 years prior. My brother was on a hospital bed so doped up on morphine that he couldn’t speak to me and now my grandma wanted me to go get my late grandpa, I was about to lose it but instead I walked outside to the group huddled out there and just said, “Hey, Grandma just asked me to come out here and get Grandpa and this is becoming too much for me, can someone go do something?” That night was intense and not even part of this post but I will come back to that story some day.

Many years later, I met the woman that inspired this blog. It’s easy to say that I fell hard and quickly without even really realizing it. That’s when these moments stuck in my memory started to make me melt instead of panic. All of the previous moments were not that great but I will never forget them. The first moment that stands out in my mind was when she got to San Francisco, she called me and told me that her plane had landed. She told me that it was beautiful there and that we would live there one day. That was an immediate heart melt and that wasn’t normal for me. I reminded myself that maybe she meant something else, but I could careless – I heard what I wanted to and I was keeping it that way. I had already known that I had fallen in love with but I don’t know if I was ready to admit it to myself. It would be years before I would tell her – though I am sure I tried. I was in my old bedroom. I was standing on something at the foot of my bed looking out my window towards my backyard.

There are actually plenty of other things I remember quite clearly before that but there is something very specific about how these moments make me feel that differentiates them from others. There was a time that I read that Colorado had passed Same-Sex Marriage laws so I texted her and to my surprise she replied. I grew up believing that I would never get married because it just didn’t happen and of course, I planned to do what I want, but I had seen “If These Walls Could Talk II” and I knew that there were legal issues and everything else. I told my friends, I tried to educate people but at some point, I felt defeated and gave up.

Just a month before my youngest brother passed away. The supreme court passed the federal law allowing same-sex marriage. At the time I was a bit skeptical and I still am but since I was a bit caught up trying to help my dad figure out what to do to help my brother through his drug addiction – I hardly noticed. I was happy but just didn’t think it would last. After my brother died, everything seemed less permanent. I could feel myself detaching again. I had spent at least 5 years with little to no feelings but all you get with that is a wasted life. Thankfully, I had found my passion or desire… well I don’t have the appropriate word but there was a flame in my soul that would not burn out and I really needed that about then.

We went to get our hair cut a few days later. It was something that we had actually planned and I believe that she asked me if I still wanted to go. At that point, I needed all of the distractions that I could get. Everywhere I looked, everyone was falling apart and no one knew what to do about it. Secretly, everyone blamed themselves. He was just here days prior. He lived out of state so that was abnormal but he came down here to get off Heroin and we all failed him. He was nice to me. We bonded over African soap and I made him some that I was never able to give him. He fought with my mom and went back early. My mom’s mother died while he was on his way back up. I know that didn’t help matters any. My mom lost her mother and her son in the same week and she was less than stable to start with. My dad was hanging on with a string trying to balance everything. I was watching everyone that I thought had things under control show me that no one really did at all.

But there she was, holding my hand, smiling at me and we went to Mink to get our haircut. She had hers cut link tank girl. I sat on that bench watching her pink locks fall to the ground; trying my best not to admire her too much because I just felt like – I was the only one that felt that way.

That was over four years ago and doesn’t have much to do with my next vague story but last night while I was at Madd’s house doing laundry, we started messaging a lot. I had missed her a lot but was trying to give her space so I was super excited. I was telling her about the smocked dressed that I would wear because I loved my grandma but it was really hard for me because I really wanted into dresses at all from an early age. I had been walking up the stairs to go grab something when I saw she messaged me, so I opened it to read it because at the time I thought that I could read and walk at the same time but I may have read the message and tripped a little as I went to go reread the message at least 3 times before I believed that it said what it did. After my heart melted and I took my last step onto even ground – my next through was – well… I guess she does check that email address. And at the moment of being mortified that lasted less than a second, I continued to wonder how she could ever put up with me. I am afraid to go back and look at my sent messages because I know how bad I am. I used to do it and knew it was the worst mistake. She must really love me and I really love her. No one understands so I keep it to myself but I think it’s important to know that my life is full of love and excitement its just muted by fear and well I think that’s it, fear of the unknown.

Maybe the world is yours?

• by admin • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Grandma, Music, Rock •   0

It finally happened, somehow active shooter emergencies have made their way into my nightmares and to make it even worse, my grandma was involved. As far as I can remember – no one was hurt.

For some reason, there were several women from my family with me and we were sitting in bleachers that resembled a hockey stadium. We were pretty high up in the stadium and there was a barrier in front of us that was high enough to duck behind.

There was some sort of car theft involved and then someone came up to where we were and started shooting a semi automatic rifle into the stands. When we realized what was going on we got my grandma down and I braced myself on top of her, I clenched my teeth and held my breath and with every sound of the gun I expected to be hit.

I don’t remember the ending but as I ducked down there, I wondered when someone would come save us. Why didn’t anyone else have a gun? We were outside and could see where the car had been stolen from. In my dream, I knew the owner of the truck – maybe it was blue, but at this point, I can not recall.

Shooting

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation. If you dream that someone is shooting you in the back, then it means that you are involved with some questionable people who may be harmful to your well-being. It also implies that you are too trusting of others.

Stolen

To dream that something of yours have been stolen indicates that you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life. Alternatively, the dream means that someone has stolen your success or has taken credit for something you did. Perhaps you feel that you have been treated unfairly.

Grandmother

To see your grandmother in your dream represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother. She may also be the archetypal symbol of the wise old woman.

Bring you comics in bed

• by admin • In Country pop, Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   0

There is this dream that I had – it must have been weeks ago. I know that I wrote about it but I won’t link back to it at the moment. The way the dream starts seems to vary because I remember multiple beginnings but in the end I am always at her house.

There’s a part that is becoming more prominent that wasn’t in the first dreams. While we are sitting on the couch right as I get there – the couch is back against the wall that would lead to the kitchen. I have never been there but I have been in the house before so that leads to a whole new level of confusion for my little brain.

As I am sitting on the couch, I look up and concentrate on the beams above me and then look over at the wood burning stove, almost as a way to remind me that this is something very familiar and not to be nervous or afraid as I feel myself – questioning my decision. She seems to be out of the room in those seconds – as I don’t seem to feel the same way when she is near, only in those silent moments in between.

There was a point in time that she would come and go in my life every so often and every time I had managed to grab her attention – in those moments before seeing her, I would be more than nervous. One of my friends, Crys, was over quite often at the time and she would always have a great way of asking me what I was worried about and reminding me – that that something. It reminds me of those moments.

The main point of all of these words is that in my dream, we hang out in the living room for a while. In my dream last night, she turned to me and kissed me somewhat out of nowhere. I feel like I would have noticed if that had happened before. This time she looked at me and smiled. She said, “I know that you think this is a bad idea, but will you come lay down with me.” Her facial expression said a lot more than her words did. I couldn’t help but smile because it was one of the sweetest things I had seen.

I followed her into the dark where there was a TV lighting up the room. He was there, slightly propped up in the back corner of the room on the bed. Watching the TV which was near or in the closet. She laid down, with a good human’s width between them and then I laid down on the edge on her shoulder and she was on her back. From that point it is always the same. She touches me softly and I can’t stop attempting to control my heart rate because I know that she can feel it against her. It may just be getting more detailed each time. The first dream was so fast I nearly had to put a few pieces together.

Maybe – I should just stop thinking about how much I want to fall asleep in her arms every night and maybe then I won’t have such weird dreams.

If it makes you happy
Beautiful Dream

I grow fonder every day

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music •   Comments Off on I grow fonder every day

This morning I woke up with a swollen eye that hurt and itched. I called into work and went to the doctor. I haven’t been to the doctor since January when I lost my insurance, so I actually forgot who my ‘current’ doctor was. Through prescription medicine, I was able to track her down but I ended up going to the walk in clinic anyway because this town is getting too big.

When I was searching through my prescriptions I ended thinking about my psych doctor, which I don’t even completely understand. I have never been to one so I probably don’t even know what to expect. I thought about how we really don’t talk about a whole lot and remembered how he says I don’t trust him, but he is a really nice guy and says it in a nice old man way.

In Late January or February – somewhere in where when everything was falling apart but nothing had started to come back together yet, he said something that I didn’t really understand but it stuck with me. He said, “Well, you have situational depression – anyone would feel this way.” It stood out because it seemed like a dumb comment to me at the time, but for some reason, I felt hope when I realized that might be different than clinical depression – why does it even frickin’ matter… It doesn’t but most people that know me well, know that I fear ending up like my mother in any form or fashion, so maybe finding ways to separate myself from her just helps.

I escaped that conversation in my head and went into the doctor now that I can again. She seemed to think my eye looked pretty bad and inadvertantly made jokes about there was no way in hell I would be able to put this ointment in my eye. She did have to touch it and that was nearly as embarrassing as my annual exams – they tell me to relax.. whatever that means. There is no telling what my file says.

But most importantly, on the way to the doctor, this song came on and I could not help but sing it. Apparently, I know all the words. weird.

To hell with the consequence

• by admin • In Blue Rock, Country Rock, Folk Rock, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock, Roots Rock •   0

On the playlist for the show, these two songs are listed together. I could only imagine it is because of the commentary in between that speaks right to me.

Today, I was listening to my Melissa Etheridge concert from 3 months ago – because I am a strange bird, I noticed – I think she is talking to me – or about me – are all lesbians really that similar?

It was about that moment when I realized, what if she had been able to come with me? How would I feel listening to all of these songs with her life. She would probably hold my hand like she did during that sex scene in that movie and then everything would be better.

Gruene Hall

When I saw this at the first show, you can hear me laugh in amusement. I really shouldn’t be amused with this – but at least I am not alone, right?

Can’t you get that with me

• by admin • In Folk, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on Can’t you get that with me

Tonight, was one of those nights that restored my faith in at least one human being – well, there was really no restoring to be done – it has been just fine but I was trying to be cleaver somewhere in there.

This morning, I had to wake up early to go a couple blocks away to the psych doctor – I just do it for cheap medicine and so that I can assure anyone that thinks I am unhealthy that I see tons of doctors in all sorts of fields so I must have my shit together, right? I clearly don’t know how that works but I did bake cookies today after work – that’s kind of epic.

I was planning on mixing stuff together from a box like brownies until I realized it didn’t seem to be that easy. I looked at the ingredients on the chocolate chips for the cookies and decided the would probably prefer I didn’t screw it up so I opted for cookie dough and I think they turned out well. I didn’t eat any but they weren’t burnt.

The rest of that story will stay in my memory but I can say that I turn into the oddest little bird for her.

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

She played this last night in Green Elk, IL but the quality was not as good. If I was hooked to a computer through some microchip inserted into my brain, then someone would be able to track how many times my heart-rate spiked today. On my lunch break, I decided to tell her that I had another blue tank dress dream again. You know – I didn’t even know what a tank dress was before that day and I remember enough to know that she told me it was knew. I must remember her telling me to get in the car, I feel like I walked out to the main road and I know she said something about the car being dirty but that was the last thing I noticed. I also remember her walking up to my house, so she must have just parked out there. This was years ago – so many years ago, but I think about it more than I should. I wonder what my facial expression must have been. At this point, I feel like it was the last time my breath was completely taken away – I guess, just because I didn’t expect it.

I actually feel incredibly guilty about it all. I suppose she knows that. At this point, I try my best not to be attracted to anything or anyone because it just gets me in trouble, but there I am. heart racing, when I feel brave enough to say something that I feel I shouldn’t. I wonder if she remembers the conversation the same way that I do, or if it is just because I talk about it when I get too day dreamy. I never felt like she meant to say, “We should move here.” She had a way of making me feel hyper feminine in an emotional way that wanted to run off and.. you know, do those things people do when they run off. I wouldn’t know because I have never gotten to live that adventure yet. …it’s always been too soon.