The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.
You know what they say about assuming.. I embarrass myself more than I would like to admit, but luckily for me, I really don’t open up to many people, so there isn’t a ton of opportunities. I feel like I need to put my friend on a payroll for all the shit she puts up with from me.
When I was younger, I would get confused. Confused between really caring about someone as a friend and being in love with them. Maybe I never for past it. How do I know if I am attracted to someone as a person or more? The good thing is, I would much rather a good friend than a girlfriend, because I just don’t trust relationships or love. I tried it once or twice and it didn’t work out that well for me.
Last night, I had a weird dream. I thought that it was real but never asked anyone – but I am sure it was not. In my dream, Maddison called me. She said, “You’re not going to like this, but my girlfriend has something to say.” and then handed the phone to someone. Then a more masculine chick got on the phone and said something like. “Yeah, girlfriend, did you hear that? Stay away from my…” and then I hung up. In my dream, I knew that it was Sarah. I did get pissed off because, what the fuck. I was really mad, but who knows why. I get really sad when people don’t trust me.. but then I guess I see why.
I went to some Kid Fish with my nieces and nephew today. It was on river road and there were a million people there. I had terrible reception but managed to exchange a few important messages. Tomorrow will mark a month since I left work. I don’t think that I could ever work from home. I need an escape and a distraction. My mind has really played some tricks on me and I just wish I knew how to apologize properly.
She wanted to help me and I am a complicated mess that needs to learn when to stop.
Yet another song that I did not know before playing it. These electronics…
It’s not every day that I hear a new Melissa Etheridge song – she’s like my fuckin’ idol.
I feel like there was just an Eminem reference in regards to Melissa Etheridge and there’s just something wrong about that.
The Internet thought I needed a few new songs in my playlist.
But if you break down I’ll drive out and find you If you forget my love I’ll try to remind you And stay by you when it don’t come easy
The most interesting thing about this post is that I have never heard these songs before, listened to them back to back and didn’t plan them at all. YouTube Conspiracy.
Correct me when I’m wrong. Point me in the right direction, I will listen.
It didn’t stop there. I paused this video 55 seconds because I don’t appreciate the way that these songs are talking to me. I wish that I were more confident in… something. I am not used to being so confused about my feelings that I am quite sure about. I guess, I don’t know what’s welcomed, expected or okay. More-so I am concerned that I should be concerned – its all a perplexing feeling I have had for a while.
I woke up feeling better than I have in years. I don’t know how to explain it any better than light and happy. That is all I am going to say about that. I am a peculiar little human.
Tonight was Lez Prom. Months ago, I was under the impression I was going, then she was taking the new girl, then she said I was the back up if the new girl didn’t want to go – and then she ended up taking her best friend because she thinks I want to get back with her. She doesn’t understand when I feel disrespected and used, she thinks that I am jealous, but really, I just don’t want to watch her kids so that she can go out with someone.
She ended up getting drunk and asking her best friend to take her to the new girl’s house. The best friend texted me asking if I was up because she was crying because Maddison was being a bitch to her and didn’t give a fuck about her feelings. It’s pretty bad when you exes best friend confides in you because she’s so mean.
It was nice to not care in the least. I expected to feel a little left out, but instead, I went to a friends house and helped them pack. I couldn’t keep M off my mind or the few words that meant more than I could imagine. I woke up feeling stronger than ever. I’ve resisted saying much to her, because I am sure that her situation is quite sensitive and I want to be aware so that I don’t cause any trouble.
My friends used to joke that the only way to get me to clean my house was to say that M was coming over. It was a running joke, apparently I don’t give a fuck quite often.. and then there she was. Everything else disappeared. Either way, I feel like cleaning my room and have been doing a great job.. I guess I just don’t want her to ever see what a mess I can be – but I am sure that she is quite aware.
Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time
‘Cause I like you
I’ve developed a habit of staying up all night and sleeping all day, as if I was on summer vacation. The ex has developed a habit of calling me, waking me up and asking me for something ridiculous. Today – I said no.
Since I was woken up and asked a question, I was a bit confused. I thought she was telling me that her son (8) was home alone and wanted to go play, but I had to be aware to check on him and she was asking if I would. I said no, I’m sleeping and went back to sleep. This was at 1:15 PM. There’s something that makes me feel really bad to saying no to something I am physically capable of doing, soon enough, I couldn’t sleep anymore and got up by 2. I texted her and told her that he could go play outside because I was awake. Little did I know, she was either home or bringing him home to stay alone (with me next door) and somehow through the next exchange of messages that came out. After minutes of being awake – I knew that I didn’t want to be here anymore. There is a lot going on with my brother and it’s intense. Everyone else is silent or asleep here and I owe LMC a little money, so I ask the ex when she will be back because I want to go to Lisa’s. She says they are going to Austin and it will be a few hours and not to leave him alone for more than an hour at a time. This is where it starts to feel like I am watching her kid for her and she treats me like complete shit, so I was not willing to do that. She already called me at 9 something this morning asking me to go sit with her kids while she went to go get sodas. When I got there her 4 year old asked me to make her food, if that tells you anything about how much I do for the kids. Why couldn’t her mom had made her food?
I asked her to get me a soda while she was out, because I thought it would make me feel better about doing things for her.
When I went back to bed, I had a hard time falling asleep right away. I laid there and thought about this one time that M and I met at Jo’s. That day was the first time I saw her after she got back from out of state. She had left right before I met Maddison. When she returned, I felt like I had so much explaining to do. I knew that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.. but I really did. I had been completely in love with her for 3 years, she leaves, returns and I had a girlfriend.. that I hated, but I am not sure if that point came across. I think I was able to at least express that much to her. I needed her to know that I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend, had no interest in her and had a very inactive sex life – which took effort, but I blamed my medicine and distanced myself. When I saw her, I got so nervous/excited, I have no idea what I said that day. I can tell you what table we sat at. I can tell you that my back was to the wall and hers was to the counter. We normally didn’t sit over in that little area, but today we did. I feel like she could see through my eyes to what I was trying to express and I feel like she understood more than anyone would and accepted that I did what I did for whatever reason I did it, and I don;t think she was worried at all. I wondered if she still knew that she was everything that I had ever wanted.. but could never ask.
I have always tried to respect her situation – and I don’t know why – but I can’t refer to it as anything other than that. I’ve never wanted to make anything worse for her. There has been things that she has said that have sunk deep into my heart. I have beat myself up for not being more assertive and asking more questions. When I think about an example of what I am talking about, the first thing that comes to mind is – I don’t even know when we were having this conversation – but she said that her parents would not have even noticed if she had been kidnapped. We had been talking about when she left home. It always made me feel uneasy to think about. She looked down and her tone changed in a way that told me this was significant, but I felt like she didn’t want me to ask, so I never did. It’s strange to me that I can be so shy with her yet so incredibly open. In the end, I always feel very protective of her and the rest just gets complicated in my head. Watching my brother breakdown has made me question my sanity a time of two, but luckily. I have her in my life and she is always there just in time.
This song popped up and I have not heard it before. I am going to leave this here.
I wanted to talk about something very specific and forgot it when my dad showed up. I need to reread this and see if it comes back to me. For now, I suppose this is all.
Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.
I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.
Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.
When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.
The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.
Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.
Every day of the thirteen days that I have been at home after getting laid off have really worn on me. The other extenuating circumstances have not helped any. What has helped is hearing from people that truly care. I wish that I didn’t need a reminder, but it makes a big difference. I have never been one to seek attention, but it seems that I appreciate it a lot more than I realize.
After not receiving my unemployment card and feeling like I have waited forever for my severance check, I decided to check on it. The HR lady assured me that I would get paid this Friday with everyone else’s pay check so that helps me not have to worry about when I will see my next dollar. It has been a hard lesson to learn that I accidentally get comfortable and I often take things for granted without meaning to. I thought that I was reminded of this when I went to Guatemala and couldn’t drink the water.
