The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.
Refreshing not to see That I don’t have to pretend She doesn’t expect it from me
Today, I couldn’t shake this album that my love would describe in a painstaking way but somehow Mirrorball has been one of those albums I have fallen back on all of my lesbian career. I remember driving up I35 near Oklahoma listening to this song on my first ridiculous journey. She’s a he now and its just interesting to think about – but those roads taught me this album. It wasn’t until this decade that the words really meant something to me.
This was over played and it ruined it in ways, but it does still touch my heart
I never understood the actual meaning of this song but lines of it touch me deeply
I have been holding back this art that I made from this song because I feel like I am too intense, but she has told me not to hold back but I am still ridiculously nervous and embarrassed by my extreme feelings.
It’s strange to me that my grandparents and great grand parents were getting married in their teens and staying married forever and I can’t even convince someone that I… well, I will be 40 before I know it. Why do I even feel this way.
And the best part, is after that emotional journey that this album takes me on, I am left wanting to watch “Better than Chocolate”
I hate when commercials ruin songs, hopefully soon we will forgot about those sad dogs on TV. Damn, I cleaned under my spacebar and now it is hitting weird. Let today mark the day that I broke something trying to clean. I advise against it.
Also – this music, makes me not hungry. Whatever that means.
video link updated June 2023
This song hurt in weird ways. When I reverse a song, it usually digs deep.
Headed back to that time period, quickly. Now a few from one of my first CDs.
Someday, YouTube will tell me how many times I have listened to these song – it if was a tape, I would have worn it out by now. At this point I am just clicking on my favorite suggestion to the rights for the next song. It is possible to sit here and do nothing else but listen to the toughest music that I could think to listen to. I check my phone more often than I should and tell myself that she is probably a sleep.
Well, you see her when you fall asleep But never to touch and never to keep ‘Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep
Passenger
I feel like I am only about two steps from Tailor Swift and I have already seen Sarah McLachlan grace the suggested list as if someone is picking the songs for me. It would be nice if these algorithms would just stop – I have seen The Social Network and its working.
Tonight is the first time I have heard this song in a different light.
I am supposed to work about 12 hours straight tomorrow but I can’t seem to force myself to go to bed.
And suddenly.. after the next song, I want to go to bed, I just hope she visits me in my dreams. I try not to ask much.
I wonder if she knows how much I fear July 27th after I spent to many hears missing her. I was walking on the inside of the square nearing her bakery at the time. I paused in my tracks – suddenly wondered if anyone could see me – felt like I was in a horrible movie and was in disbelief a that. She used words that scared me for her so I just backed of quickly but I just don’t think that I should do that anymore – but what can I even do?
You get down, real low down You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train Well, who hasn’t been there before? I come ’round, around the hard way Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread And serve you French toast again Well, okay, I still get stoned I’m not the kind of girl you’d take home
I nearly feel guilty for feeling some songs – but I felt it hard.
I hate when I get lost in songs like this. As I left work, it was playing. Of course, I had to roll down my windows and scream it to myself – it makes me feel better – about doing nothing. I know that she wants me and she even confirms everything that I want to hear but I just feel like I can not complete the puzzle and I do not know what to do.
Some nights, its harder than others. But when I feel like this, I feel like I act like this every damn night.
This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for? Why don’t we break the rules already? I was never one to believe the hype Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard, and I’m half as liked But here they come again to jack my style
Fun.
And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again
Sometimes the words between the lines scream out at me. That’s when I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me. How many patterns can you recognize and disregard before you realize that you aren’t quick or smart – possibly closer to fucking stupid but that is an argument with myself that I hope I never have to truly have.
Current political issues have me fearing the future. As Texas makes abortion less accessible – I fear what next. When “If These Walls Could Talk” came out on HBO, I watched them. The look into the history of abortion terrified me but I didn’t think that it applied to my life at all. Its been over a decade since I have watched either but I know every critical scene because they all got through to me. Now that I have experienced life for about 20 years or more since each, I realize how much the right to an abortion is critical and could affect my life drastically if the circumstances were grossly aligned.
The second one has always been deeply rooted in my heart. I was about 16 or 17 years old when I realized why having a marriage license was so important and at the time there was no hope it sight. I never even fathomed the idea that I may have the possibility to get married in America. Eventually I knew a few counties that I could but that would never help me here. Since then, I have met the one and that was before it was even legal. I celebrated her home state allowing same sexed married months or years after we met. After it was federally legal, my mind tended to drift. It’s kind of cool to have never really believed I would marry anyone but one person, as before her – I never knew it could happen. Enough about the gays, we all know about that and today its more about Demi Moore and 1952.
All those thoughts made me connect each song to each other. When the song below plays, I have equal and different emotions in the same direction as the last, I should probably go to sleep soon, she might miss me in our dreams.
He says I know you have to go You have gone before We are fighting on two different fronts Of the same war But no matter what else I will do I will wait for you
Ani DiFranco
My boxer neighbor was over tonight and saw me writing, she asked about the site. She was so impressed, and said things that really made me feel better about my situation. Sometimes I think I vent to her and just tell her how hard it can be and she really can only listen because she has no personal experiences like that and is so sheltered its nearly an innocent opinion.
People act like caring about someone makes you crazy and sometime that can really hurt.
Here is a song that graced my screen today, its a song that goes so far back in my little heart but it never meant this before. This feeling gets stronger every time i hear it as many months usually pass first. Most sound minded lesbians avoud Sarah McLachlan at all cost, Plus we all see those poor pups on TV at the mention of her name.
‘Hold on, for this is going to hurt like hell’ its actually:
I have seen this movie and this combination hurt before I ever hurt play. Sometimes – I feel like I am stuck in a movie.
It’s 1:11 am, do I get to make a wish? I’ll make half of one – that important half.
On his birthday, she read my good morning message and then took a phone break for the rest of the day which left me alone to think and worry about how romantic their day might be. I didn’t so much mind her not talking to me – I am not like that, I just get so insecure when I know that she is spending his birthday with him with her phone off and I can’t even see her for five minutes. It just hurts and makes me feel really unimportant in her life. I know that will fade as soon as she starts being sweet to me, but which she is distant, it lingers over my head and makes me feel like she doesn’t take me seriously.
I have to say that the isolation that this year has not made it any easier.
On Friday, I hope that she was having fun – even with him… It just broke my heart to consider that they would be having a romantic evening alone.
I truly believe they are not in a relationship anymore and it’s not like that but the fear seems to still be very real. I just want to be important to her.
It was mid week when a basic email, probably spam, sent a shock to my system. A few months had past since I had really felt my last surge of jealousy. At the time, I was standing in my kitchen cooking and flirting. I don’t know what was exactly said but that’s where I was when I found out that her job had closed down and she was back working with him. I felt a boulder of defeat fall on me that day. I knew there was no change that I would get to see her in any near future now.
Well around Wednesday, I was sleepily clicking through my inbox when today’s date popped out at me. Just when I least expected it, a flood of emotions starting with jealousy, envy, confusion and the slight anger and concern that follows that combination. I have no frickin’ cue what I am so worried about. It’s not like they don’t spend every waking moment together already but it was just a reminder that he gets to spend every birthday with her when I don’t even ever get to see her. It’s just disheartening to me.
I tried to keep my emotions under control, even though she has been quite distant, I just hope that she is doing okay and what makes her heart happy – that seems to be the end result of my minor panic episodes. It just feels so hopeless at times. I never came out and said it to her but I know that she is more than aware of my desires to be around her and most likely for my lack of desire for him to be around – but I try to keep that one under wraps but no one is fooled. In the last few days, I have found myself thankful that so many places are closed today and hoping there are no romantic plans – though – she has been pretty quiet so I can guess that they are busy.
I get this unreasonable concern that he is over there having the time of his life with the lady that I love like some tragic romantic comedy. The likely hood of that is probably quite slim and if that is the case, I will be painfully aware soon enough. Despite my ridiculous fears, I trust her way more than I ever expected to trust anyone. I would like to believe that they haven’t been in that type of relationship for a while but what do I know. Sadly, I know that staying home doesn’t make me any less lonely. That I don’t like being around most of the people that I spend time with to distract myself. The quarantine has already been hard enough. I just struggle with my immaturity in hoping they aren’t having too good of a time. Damn I am an asshole.. Damn, I just want to watch a movie or nap with her once.
It’s true, I am jealous of him a lot – but I try so fucking hard not to be.
Today, I met Jenn’s mom for the first time. We were taking the boys some clothes and food and then got stuck hanging out with her – which is awful for me to say. I should and am ashamed of myself. I am going to set some goals to try to get over this hurdle in my ‘personality’ and I am supposed to schedule a follow up visit with my “Coach” person at the mental health place so I will even talk to her about this. I had plenty of time to think about it because I was stuck driving in silence for hours.
A few days ago, Maddison asked if I would go with her to CC to take the boys their clothes and I agreed for some stupid reason. At the time I didn’t work but at the last minute, Lisa, my arch work enemy, had Internet issues and could not work. I offered to pick up the first half of her shift, because I was driving to CC after which is about 3 hours away.
Everything was broken at work. I took 16 calls before everything completely stopped working and it sounded like I was talking on VoIP on dial up or something. I absolutely detested cell phones when they first came out because most calls sounded like that. I don’t want a delay, static or packet loss on my phone calls. I spoke to 16 people telling me they couldn’t hear me and asking me if they should call back as I repeated, “Don’t call back – the phones are broken, send an email!” The only emails that I actually got were to say the phones didn’t work. I was able to gather enough information to get it reported just to argue with the networking guy telling me “Everything looked good over there.” Until my boss eventually woke up (literally – this was all happening around 8 am) and got someone to actually help. Eventually my phone stopped working and then they fixed the issue except I could never get back online so I ended up leaving for the day 2 hours after I came in and I spent at least 15 minutes trying to reconnect so most of that was in the first hour and a half. Let it be known that I do not function well before 10 – ever.
They tried to get me to come in the office around that time but I explained that driving 30 minutes to work for an hour and 30 minutes to drive home 30 minutes and then to CC and back for 6+ hours did not sound fund at all. Eventually 3 other co workers got online and helped so I could leave. I work from home now so leave just meant – turning off the damn computer and phone.
Maddison had a delay, so she got here about 2 pm. From what I understood, we were going there, spending about 2 hours there and coming home. That is home by 10 easily. If I could be home by 10 it sounded fine to me. I try to sleep on the way and I think she bitches about that so then I try not to sleep as I am trying to sleep, it was all very complicated. We get there and I have to carry groceries in, which I was pretty clear on that I was not there to do any labor but it’s very hard for me to stand around while other people work. Then Jenn’s mom wanted us to go to her storage unit and get things. I don’t know why – maybe Maddison has the keys. So then we were stuck doing that. I have no time to go to my own storage, yet here I am standing around one nearly 300 miles away. There I stand my ground and I am lazy and spend my time messaging the lady or at least playing pokemon.
I had asked Maddison if we could stop by the beach on our way out but I wasn’t trying to make an hour ordeal about it. I didn’t realize we were going to have to go so far for the water either, last time it was right in the middle of towns next to all the restaurants, this time they took me all the way across the bridge to go to port a and I was already over it. I wanted to take pictures and it was already dark. I don’t really want to walk in the ocean after dark, thank you. I did anyway and just risked it because no one cared about what I wanted, clearly. It was about 9 around this time and I had started to make things less than fun since I had expected to be home by 10. I kept making it clear that I was wanting to go home and that I didn’t want to be driving past midnight, but somehow I was not in on her mind games and the Jenn’s mom asked if we could go through downtown to take the scenic route – though it was clear I wanted to leave – so Maddison asked me expecting me to say ‘No.’ Of course I didn’t say no – I just got more frickin irritated because I wanted to go home and I had to go to the bathroom and now we are driving down some street to see something in the dark in the town that she lives in. I just didn’t understand – NOR do I understand why Maddion was making me say “No.” She was the one driving. It was her car and her trip. She is the one that used to live with them. She is the one that knew Jenn for 8 years, I was just there for support because I hate when my friends are brutally murdered – not that it has happened before but I do hate it – and I do hate that I can’t handle acting nice for that long. I am sure many people can act nice even when they felt like I did – but I could not and people don’t like that.
So once we drive around randomly, we went back to her house and she helped Jenn’s mom fill out some sort of application. There would have been another but the website was offline for hours. At this point, I was doing everything I could to try to stay calm because it feels like they are just trying to take longer.
We finally left around 10 but I went to the passenger seat, so she drove and then started bitching about it so I made her pull over to get gas. She said it was because I didn’t bring weed but really I just wanted to be home. I didn’t appreciate her keeping me out so late. I don’t even find it very safe to be driving on the high way after midnight – the worst new stories have articles of wrecks that happen hate at night. She will say that is stupid and insane but I am sure I know someone that would at least agree that could be right.
I don’t think I really understood emotional manipulation before I met her. She will say its all me, but everyone I know will back me up and reassure me that there is nothing wrong with me, even if I let her get to me – including that mental health “Coach” I mentioned. Her name is Sarah, she’s pretty cool. I actually met her at a drag show before I ever met her professionally. She’s actually met Maddison because she has been a patient there but as expected, she has not been consistent with her mental health appointments and I have not missed one since the fight (1/18). Well that is not true. I did not know that I had one of them, so I missed one – but that is all and no one was too mad at me. No we talk on the phone and it’s super fun. I actually haven’t talked to Sarah since Covid – I am sure that can count as missed appt #2 but they have just been closed or whatever – I am not sure.
So when I drive – Maddison is so mad that I am speeding. She keeps yelling that I never drive my car this way – well, I am usually not in my car 3 hours away – 3 hours behind schedule and I remind her that my car can’t even do 100 – and I am not even sure why I was going so fast, except, its a new car and it’s easy to go fast on the high way. I usually use that much pressure to barely reach 80, while going downhill. So she keeps screaming at me about ruining everything and tells me that if I don’t want to drive that I can get out of the car and figure out how I am getting home. This wasn’t even 11 year. When I was down there, I wondered what I would do if she threaten to leave me. She bounces between being a nice normal person and being an evil vindictive person and it’s just so confusing. My mom used to be like that. It has really given me perspective as to what my father had to go through in life and his was way way worse because he did stay because they were his kids and even though she eventually left, he never gave up on her.. well not until we were grown and actually after that. It was June 30, 2016 to be exact. That was the second time I took my mom to the hospital for a psych eval. The next day is the second time the basically forced me to come get her. However, the second time I refused to take her back to his house because I knew that if my mom went back to my dad’s house – someone would end up dead and the other would end up in prison, so I did what I had to do and I paid for the plane ticket that she wanted and sent her to Georgia.
I feel like we all kind of gave up on her that day. My brother excluded, he had passed that judgement long ago. He didn’t have the attitude my dad did when she tried to hit him. He watched it his whole life and knew that she deserved what she got. At the same time, he never hit her. From what I know, my mom tried to punch my brother once. He can recite the story like it was yesterday. Chy was there; she was just a baby. My mom called the police on my brother saying he beat her up over this.
She swung to punch him (which is the most uncoordinated drunk punch you can imagine) and my brother, who was about 25 at the time and actively in marshal arts training, moved out of the way and redirected her energy so she continued into that punch and ended up on the ground. From what I know – she was so drunk, she may not even know how she ended up on the ground but the cops show up after she calls.
Since there is a baby in the house, they ask her if she has somewhere else to sleep. My brother runs down to the neighbors A frame house in the rain and ask if she can stay there, because they had supplied her with the alcohol. They agreed but by the time he returned to the house, she was already getting cuffed. I believe the next lines of the store is that she smarted off to a cop, but I don’t really know what was said. I lived a pretty normal life back then.
My mother is someone that was failed by the system. There is so much about police reform, that is a night that they needed to look into deeper. Starting in 1990, that county should have countless records of my mom abusing my dad but when I called for help in 2016 – no one had any records, no one could help. I called crisis hotlines. I took her to the hospital twice trying to get her help but no one would help. They would shoot her full of adivan, test her, say she is fine. AND then send her home without any medicine or direction. She was seeing the mental health people in her county – its just ridiculous, so I had to just chance it. As it turns out – she has spent plenty of time in jail and repeated the same patterns with the guy she moved in with. He is her next door neighbor from when she was in grade school. She met up with him on facebook and that’s how that happened. For a while, we felt we took advantage of him by sending her but she had her own income through back child support and all. It took a while but I know that we were just protecting ourselves.
I have completely lost track of my terrible night. When I noticed it was almost 11 I told her that I had to pull over to text the lady. She didn’t question it because she knows that I won’t miss that text. So I go to the bathroom and just start crying because I really wonder if she is going to leave me there. I just opened up to M and said some stuff that was on my mind. I cried a lot in that bathroom stall at that random gas station. Even left without buying something because I didn’t have my wallet. Turns out, crying girls can use the restroom with no questions asked and you just get a “Have a good night” from the clerk. Maybe they don’t make you buy something anymore but I thought that was a pretty big deal.
Maddison starts to switch between insane bitch to “Do you feel better now?” I don’t know if she meant because I texted M or something else but I was my charming self and told her I no longer had to shit and I think she may have been on the phone with someone. She continued to complain about my driving. I continued to drive too fast. I told her that I had to work at 8 AM, by 1 AM I am fucking tired. She didn’t seem to understand but I don’t know that she has had a full-time job since I met her.
The end of the story is that somehow I made it home. I left at 2:06 PM and got home at 12:44 AM. It would have been nicer if I didn’t work from 8:00 AM to 10:00 AM before following through with this stupid idea. What gets me is that I was there because she needed help driving and asked if I could go. I said, yeah that shouldn’t be a problem in text which is what I am held to but I specifically asked how long we would be there because I didn’t want to be out all night and I thought home by 10 was reasonable.
In my mind, she knew that i would never agree to a 10 hour and 45 minute trip so instead she acted like we would be back in 8 hours and then makes me feel crazy when I start to get irritated when I start to notice there is no way in hell we will be home near 10 and then we don’t even leave by 10. No one there cared at all – and NONE of them work a full time job. Fuck.
Should I mention, I barely ate at all.
So, I messaged the lady a lot because.. she said I could and I kinda really wanted to talk. Damn I hope that kind of things is okay. Turns out I seem to be more fearful that I let myself believe.
