This morning I woke up with a swollen eye that hurt and itched. I called into work and went to the doctor. I haven’t been to the doctor since January when I lost my insurance, so I actually forgot who my ‘current’ doctor was. Through prescription medicine, I was able to track her down but I ended up going to the walk in clinic anyway because this town is getting too big.
When I was searching through my prescriptions I ended thinking about my psych doctor, which I don’t even completely understand. I have never been to one so I probably don’t even know what to expect. I thought about how we really don’t talk about a whole lot and remembered how he says I don’t trust him, but he is a really nice guy and says it in a nice old man way.
In Late January or February – somewhere in where when everything was falling apart but nothing had started to come back together yet, he said something that I didn’t really understand but it stuck with me. He said, “Well, you have situational depression – anyone would feel this way.” It stood out because it seemed like a dumb comment to me at the time, but for some reason, I felt hope when I realized that might be different than clinical depression – why does it even frickin’ matter… It doesn’t but most people that know me well, know that I fear ending up like my mother in any form or fashion, so maybe finding ways to separate myself from her just helps.
I escaped that conversation in my head and went into the doctor now that I can again. She seemed to think my eye looked pretty bad and inadvertantly made jokes about there was no way in hell I would be able to put this ointment in my eye. She did have to touch it and that was nearly as embarrassing as my annual exams – they tell me to relax.. whatever that means. There is no telling what my file says.
But most importantly, on the way to the doctor, this song came on and I could not help but sing it. Apparently, I know all the words. weird.