Grammy Nominee

The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.

I’ll rock you till the daylight comes

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Last night, I had the sweetest dream that is still giving me slightest chills when I think about it.

I seem to wake up with really strong emotions and only remember seconds of my dreams. This morning, I woke remembering her straddling my back and touching me softly. She squeezed my shoulders and then leaned in and softly kissed up the middle of my back near my shoulder blades as she ran her hands down my shoulders. The rush of endorphins seem to be what always wakes me up. I actually believe its more of a repeat of something that has happened before based on other dreams like that. She is the most sensual.. most delicate.. I am typically not into anyone touching me but I’d like to think that I was never like that with her.

It’s all a little funny when I think about it – though I try to stay out of those compartments in the brain. If I would have known the half of it, I would have reacted completely different and ruined everything – so in the end, I am delightfully happy that everything went the way it did and I became ridiculously attached to a woman that I can’t get enough of – I can’t imagine that was really her goal but I hope she enjoys it as much as I do.

I am left wanting her to teach me what I need to know – 7 years ago, I was not in the position to be everything I needed to be. Yesterday, I was driving, and thinking, because I can’t help that. I was scanning the radio stations and stopping at whatever caught my attention. I listened to several classic country songs that — okay one brought a tear to my eye so I will post it below the lesbian music of the post. Anyway, it left me thinking about The Field of Dreams. A movie that I insisted on watching a million times. I had about 3 I was stuck on. Now I have read that anxious children will do this. The world knew that I had everything against me – but I think that I am doing just fine and I believe that I have someone that loves me, despite her limitations and its more important than anything else in this superficial world to me. So – I convinced myself that I need to drag myself out of whatever depression that I have fallen into and redirect my energy.

Also, I drove to San Antonio and back twice yesterday because I left water boiling on my stove and remembered while I was at my grandma’s house. I called my dad and it was a whole ordeal but everything was fine. I learned that I need to stick with steal pots. Last time I left an aluminum pot on the stove too long, it melted. Nothing bad happened but I had hours of driving and thinking –

When left me telling myself, “Build it and She Will Come” which isn’t as easy as just building a baseball stadium like in the movie.. okay I guess that is not easy but – I need to continue to make the needed changes in my life so that I am not embarrassed if she randomly shows up. I need to live life as if I am ready and quit moping around all the damn time because I think I can tell the future based on a couple random things that could mean anything.

Anyway, I loved the moments of thinking about her lips gracing my back – the hair on my legs stand up if I even think about it. I am glad no one is counting how long it has been since someone has touched me. Most would think it was pathetic, I prefer to consider it wholesome. I am kind of grossed out when people try to get me to distract myself with someone else. I simply say, “but I am in love with….” and they follow it up with soo.. and try to convince me – but I have no desire what so ever and I often question what is wrong with people, but I suppose I should wonder – what is wrong with me? I don’t care – I don’t mind it at all – and maybe that is why my dad never dated again. Maybe when you are raised without so much sexual influence, you don’t feel the same as other people.

https://youtu.be/Z4IiRR__DWg

This song followed on YouTube.. so I kept it.

Then I learned a new song from YouTube

Country song that made me emotional because I’m a wuss.

One day. I heard a line in this song that stole my attention. so I listen to it once in a while.

I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find the words to say, “I need you so”

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First, I got stuck listening to this song a few times. I knew that she would certainly think it was a little sad.. so I kept it to myself, but this is the song that would play in my head as I approached the location that I want to see her at, even for 5 minutes. Seems fitting.

I moved on past that quickly but thought about how badly I wanted to go on a Melissa Etheridge cruise with her and see Sarah Mc Lachlan and Melissa Etheridge – then life moved on.

So you wanna play with magic

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Last night I threw an emotional fit, alone – because the Alanis Morisette concert that I have been waiting for since December.

I signed up to get a pre-sale ticket and those went so fast, I thought that I would be able to get a ticket with seats after pre-sale was over but those also went so fast that I ended up buying lawn tickets for $120 each – when the pre-sale lawn tickets that I thought I was too good for sold for $43 each. I was so pissed at myself – and NOW – I won’t even get to go. I didn’t really have the $240 to spare at the time but I did it because I thought that I would finally get to go to a concert with her. Hell, at the time, I thought that we would be living together by now and practically married – but I guess that is what happens when you life in a fantasy world and forget to ground yourself with reality.

Ultimately, I know not to depend on anyone but myself and to never get too excited over anything. When I get good news, I try my hardest not to tell anyone for fear that it will disappear before it ever happens. I grew up knowing that marriage wasn’t for people like me. I knew that my father would never be able to afford a wedding before I even understood that I was gay and once I realized I was not only poor but gay too – I knew there was no chance at ever having a normal, happy life – but it hasn’t kept me from dreaming about it.

In 1999 when I realized that I was only interested in women, there was no hope of legalized gay marriage and I thought that legal marijuana was just something people talked about – like feminism. The concept was great but the world would never stand for any of that. At the time, I didn’t even smoke but my dad did and I knew that it was enough to cause worry for my family. I knew that it made me have to lie to people that I loved if the topic ever came up. It was controversial before my sexuality ever existed.

The world’s a roller coaster

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Last night, I decided to complain about the supposed delivery time for my pizza to her. I had been smoking for hours with my 21 year old neighbor – basically I am a terrible influence. Then I proceeded to relentlessly flirt with that woman that I love, if anyone could ever perceive it as such.

I made an off handed remark about Stoner Pie and she asked if that is really what I had ordered – which it was. I was trying to introduce the neighbor to french fries on a pizza and then I mentioned that I also liked the jalapeno popper pizza – even though actual jalapeno poppers are usually too spicy for me. In this book that is my life, I was alluding to that time I went to the sandwich shop, dude was there and took my order. He is always pleasant with me because he is or at least was a but clueless – but there I was freaking the fuck out on the inside completely conflicted by my core values – but I knew what I had to do and I was fake as fuck, for her sake.

I had still felt bad and completely guilty, though that has been fading the more than she opens up to me, though I don’t know a thing about what goes on with them, which is fine with me because I couldn’t handle it anyway and she probably knows it. Basically, I over tipped him because I am awkward as fuck and I don’t know what the etiquette is when confronting enemies at the counter. So – I threw my money at him. What better way to say fuck you then handing someone a ten just because you can. I really have no idea what I tipped him but I am an asshole that always felt a but superior walking up in there, usually dressed for work, ordering food from him – but that really just makes me a jerk and it was really just over compensating for the inferiority that I actually felt because I knew damn well that he had what I wanted and there was nothing that I was going to do about it. At this point in time, she had just left the state but I didn’t seem to think I had a chance for what ever reason because 4 years ago today – I made a huge mistake by hanging out with Maddison, which is still negativly affecting my life – but I have her kids and especially the little one that still does not understand – and I just can’t abandon her and it is the most complicated.

Thankfully my love still talks to me and I like to believe that she understands because she too might have ended up in a situation that she just doesn’t know how to get of out – but that is my wild lesbian opinion and I try to remind myself of that. I used to be so extreme that I stopped trusting my own opinion. I am not stupid, just opinionated. As I was all the other extremists in any direction, I see the need for waiver. There is no need to be extreme in any direction, which is why I have been trying to step back since the day I realized it. It was somewhere around a fishing trip she had. Probably a day that pushed her away – as it should, but at the time – I was afraid to be close to anyone – so maybe it was subconscious on my side as well.

My lunch break is ending and I am rambling so I will connect the dots before leaving. When I saw the date, I realized that it had been 4 years to the date since he had given my friends and I free jalapeno poppers – because after I over tipped, she over tipped and then I had to explain myself to her. Here is the entries from that time period. I just surprise myself when that kind of thing happens – I am slightly amazed with myself when I fact check and I am correct about an event. Then I go and tell her and remind myself how insane I sound – and somehow she trusts me and talks to me anyway. That is a level of support I have never known. I am fortunate to know such a little human.

What do they know about this love anyway

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Last night I had two very strange dreams but I think an interesting fact to add is that right before I fell asleep, I accidentally video called here and I was beside myself. I went to bed early just because I was embarrassed.

The dream that I remember from that night was probably related. It took place across the street from my childhood home that I lived in until about 2nd grade. We had walked across the road to the neighbors house and they had some sort of gym / obstacle course set up for the public. As I approached, I realized that C was in line a few people ahead of me and suddenly I was concerned that I was topless and I didn’t want him to see me. So I went home to put a shirt on. I seem to have a lot of dreams where I am completely comfortable being topless and then something happens and suddenly I am not confident anymore. Before I got nervous, I saw that he was there with 2 women – and as I started to get nervous, I realized that neither were here. I started to get defensive for her and then realized she probably didn’t care or at least didn’t want to care so I did not take it upon myself to tell her. In my dream, I guess I wanted to protect her and did not want him seeing me. Possibly common themes in my life. Once I got back after putting a shirt on, he was no where to be seen.

The is the only dream that I had at night. I was watching the kid and she was asleep next to me. She wakes up earlier than I do so when she does, she wants to watch ‘shows’ on my phone. I had given her my phone and put something on and fallen back to sleep. It may have been my guilty conscience yelling at me but the next dream that I had involved a bus. I had been driving the bus with her in it down the highway and we stopped at my house on the way to the destination. She is 5 years old which will be relevant in a minute. In my dream, I came inside and told her I was going to take a nap and then next thing I know is that she is missing and so is the bus. Somehow I am able to call this 5 year old and I have found out that she has made it back to the highway with this bus. I keep telling her to pull over and she keeps telling me that she doesn’t know how. For some reason I have no car so now I am stuck calling her mom begging her to come get me so we can go find the kid who is out driving this bus. Basically, I could not get her to cooperate or take anything seriously and I was freaking the fuck out. I am going to throw some words down here too look at later then head to bed.

I have someone to meet in dream land and I would hate to be late. Since my eyes are growing heavy – I know that she must be waiting to hold me close.

Gymnasium

To dream that you are in a gymnasium indicates that you need to apply what you learned and incorporate it into your daily life. Alternatively, the gym may be telling you that you need to get more exercise.

Obstacle Courses

To dream that you are going through an obstacle course symbolizes the hardships and difficulties that you are experiencing in your waking life. It represents the things that you must overcome in order to reach your goals. The elements in the obstacle course is analogous to the barriers and problems in your life.

Nudity indicates fear of exposure:

Becoming mortified at the realization that you are naked in a public place may reflect your fear of being exposed and feelings of shame. You may be hiding something and are afraid that others can see right through you. Hence, you dream of yourself naked!

Nudity indicates insecurity:

Your naked dream may also point to insecurity issues. You feel that all eyes are always on you – laughing at you, judging you or criticizing you. Being naked magnifies the notion that everyone is pointing at you and laughing. Most of the time, it’s all on your head.

Bus

Dreaming that you are driving a bus means that you are a group leader and a trend setter. If you are driving a stolen bus in your dream, then it means that you are taking drastic measures to get control of your destiny. You are refusing to go along with the system.

Bus Driver

To dream that you are a bus driver suggests that you are moving forward quickly. You need to show more patience and less force. In particular, if you are a school bus driver, then it signifies that through knowledge and learning you will advance rapidly in life. Your dream may be connected with a new learning situation. 


It’s a long way down

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Today – I have felt completely predictable. Upon my own behalf and from hers as well. Last night we ended up in a conversation where she told me that she didn’t work at her same job anymore due to the virus shit. That’s about all I feel comfortable calling it these days. I was in my kitchen when I read the message and I felt my heart sink. I don’t know why it scares me that she lives and works with him – it just makes me feel like I will never get to see her again and that is the realest fear in my heart.

I know that she loves and and I usually know that she wants me too. My insecurity game runs hard and when he is involved, I practically just admit defeat because I never want to cause her trouble and I never really understand but I do understand that it tears at my heart no matter how hard I try to control it.

My pills only do so much good. Busying myself only helps for so long. Sending her what I would consider to be intimate messages will just have to do. I will continue to pour out my heart and continue if my words are welcome. My master plan seems to be full of holes but all that matters is that she has what she wants and I can’t even say that I am sure of that.

I will go down with this ship

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   0

The last week and a half has been incredibly frusterating for me. After my car broke down late at night, with help from my dad, I had it towed to my house. After 2 people have messed with in for over 4 days off and on, I am back to waiting until the weekend for the hope that something will go right. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be looking for a new car soon – and I have that feeling.

I have been fortunate to have plenty of people willing to help me get back and forth to work. With my job, I am completely prepared to work from home at any given moment. Just a few days ago, I picked up four hours that I was able to work from home to cover for another employee. Where that becomes a bad thing is when my car is broken, I am struggling so get up the courage to ask my boss if I can work from home for a few days and he declines.. because he doesn’t want people to take advantage of it. He knows damn well my car is very broken – so that translates to that he has no control of the team, to me.

I had a performance review with said boss today and he had nothing but positive and kind feedback. He paused to try to come up with something that needed improving and laughed his way out of the fact that he had none. He told me that I was up for a promotion but that we didn’t get the raises until September. I will almost feel bad if I am the only one that gets promoted out of the 3 of us in the position but I guess that’s what it’s like when you are working on such a small team.

As I floated my way through my day dream – I joked with myself on the way to a bathroom break later in the day; “Now if my future-girlfriend would just promote me.” I can’t imagine that she would know that I call her that but it’s been going on for way longer than I would be willing to admit. Calling her my ex gf would be completely confusing. I try not to even refer to her by her first name most of the time because of this one time this one thing happened. Basically, if she has ever raised her voice even the slightest when talking to me, I immediately attempted to stop doing whatever it was I was doing to cause that. Then I remind myself that life was a lot different back then but I just try to keep my excited girl self quiet HOWEVER the need to refer to my future girlfriend comes up now and then and that’s what comes out.

The first time someone hears me say it they ask questions like, “…What?!?” Then I simply give a sentence or two statement and act like it’s completely normal. Then I just accuse them of not understanding lesbians if they even think twice about it.

Later in the day, a friend called me on the phone. We talked about a site that I am working on for his job and we moved on to him offering me a place to stay if need be when the time comes. I should handle these situations better because I never do it right but somewhere in there I said that I wasn’t looking for a roommate because my girlfriend would be moving in with me at some point. It just slipped out because.. I didn’t really think that he knows much about my life and just seemed easiest but suddenly he got really excited for me and I had to explain that I had no explanation as to why I said that… but she was just still my future girlfriend. Who needs labels anyway. she knows that she is my love and I think that’s all that matters.

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still

To hell with the consequence

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock •   0

The night before last, (writing this on 2/3 about 2/2) I had an incredibly realistic dream that kept me in bed most of Sunday. How you might ask? When you are so relaxed and exactly where you want to be – it’s hard to wake up and walk away from that. I can’t say that I ever got back to my dream but I was relaxed and on cloud nine all morning – until I woke up and started to question everything that was life.

It woke up from the dream, which was only a few hours after I went to sleep and texted her to say something cute and suggestive. That would have never occurred during normal hours. So far, I am convinced that at that moment, I was still giggly and thought I realized it was just a dream quickly, I wasn’t convinced that it wasn’t somewhat real – which is damn near crazy and I know that but it’s what I have and I am not complaining.

Well in this dream., it was about so much more than I could possibly write. I couldn’t tell you where we were but she was laying up against me telling me the sweetest things she has ever said then she leaned in and started kissing me. This wasn’t like any dream kiss that I had ever had – not that I can really think of any others but there were sparks. In the next dream sequence something happened that upon recalling I don’t know how I would remember such a thing and then dream about it so many years later but is seemed quite accurate and then it advanced past any memories on to moments that have never happened before. In the dream, it was even a big deal to me.

That all ties back to a conversation we once had – one that I didn’t know how to respond to or what to say but something that seems to circle my hottest dreams. That is about all I am willing to say about those dreams – but it lead me to question a lot. I said a few things to her in real life that I probably wouldn’t have normally said including my initial text about the dream. This is where I will politely trail off.