Music

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

My favorite album of all times has been Pretty Hate Machine by Nine Inch Nails for as long as I can remember. Today I looked up the release date and – well there is no and but it was released October 20, 1989. I have heard all of the songs way too many times and feel quite connected to most of them. The Fragile is also on my list. There’s so much that I could say about life and fear but I just don’t know how to put it into words right now.

Five years ago, today, I saw Nine Inch Nails with Sound Garden – both for the first time. I don’t really remember what was going on at that time but I knew that she was going to be there with C and I was terrified of seeing them. Maybe I was still worried about my heart breaking into millions of pieces. I know it was before I decided that as long as she is in my life, I am happy with the rest. I am not the most open minded lesbian in the world, but I give it my best. Texas has made its way into my inner core at times. In the weeks leading up to the show, I convinced myself that it would be near impossible to accidentally run into one person in the mix of all of those people. In the end, I was only really worried about one of them. I made it through the whole show, made it outside of the venue and much to my dismay, some woman that came with my friend decides that we need a shuttle back to our car. If I know me, I am sure that I threw some sort of fit about having to stand in line to wait to right a bus or something back to our car that was in the closest lot possible. The trolley finally stopped and I made it clear that there was no way in hell that I was getting on that small thing with a bunch of sweaty people and told them I was going to walk – wouldn’t you know that it was at that very moment that I would turn around to be face to face with the one person I was not going to see at the show. Thankfully, he had no idea that he hated me yet and that wouldn’t be the first time that I would see the woman that I fell in love with so many years ago in public with her boyfriend and have to turn and walk away like I didn’t. It’s not a pain that I can describe to many. No one should mix shame with guilt after a shot of excitement. I used to think that I would have reacted differently in such a situation. Society taught me that I should be angry and want to fight, but somewhere along my journey, I realized that the last thing I wanted to do was cause her pain and if I were to react in any other way – I am sure that it would, so I just do my best not to react – but now I look like an insensitive asshole.

The day before I somehow ended up hanging out with and then suddenly in a relationship with Madd – I got drunk and sent her a text. My drunk ass asked if she remembered when I had said something, just a line from this song, clearly struggling with my emotions and showing the world that I am a light weight when it comes to drinking. She simply replied with no and that was enough to leave me mortified. It wasn’t much later that she explained that she just didn’t remember – I don’t know how I can embarrass myself so much in front of one woman that I feel so connected to. I am sure that it’s some defense mechanism, I am the worst with those. I am scared of the world and trust fully with my heart and trust no one with my brain. It leads to complex days for all parties involved.

I am not sure how the next day is probably the day that I ended up in the sandwich shop over-tipping and showing that none of us were tough enough to eat jalapeno poppers. What if they were poisoned? It’s all coming together now. This is what I mean, I am so sick of my competitive, jealous nature. It runs everything in my life and I think that just by recognizing that its present, I can fight it, but it still seems to be a struggle. Sometimes I just need to be able to turn my imagination off and stop thinking for once. Today, I decided I might need a harder job. I have found the down side to doing a cushy job that pays moderately well – too much time to think. I never had time to think about anything but work at my last job.

Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

• by admin • In Classic Rock, Music, Pop Rock, Soft Rock •   0

I have been tired all day, so I am going to try to get some sleep. The dogs woke me up around 6 AM and demanded my attention. As I walked them in my half asleep stuper, my dream replayed in my head.

It was enough to keep me up for a few minutes and against my better judgement, I sent her an email about it – expressing my deepest fears and opening the way that I know better than to do, but here I stand, believing that she is different than anyone else and I can stand defenseless and survive. Its nearly a masochistic test from an observers standpoint. It’s not one that most would commend or recommend.

My dream was quick or at least when I recall it, it equates to seconds. I can’t say that many of my dreams are from an outside perspective but this one started that way. She and I were talking in my alley way of the house that I used to live in. As we talked, we got closer to the street. I had no idea what we were saying, until I asked her if I could walk her home. That was most of my dream, the seconds in which she said No, that she had to go alone. It was more the way she shook her head, nearly in pain. It was the crack in her voice that would tell most that she was fighting back tears. I stood there and watched her walk away.

When I woke up, my heart was racing, there was a lump in my throat and I got up to take the dogs out, because even though I didn’t realize why I had felt that way at the time, I knew there was no laying down and going right back to sleep after that. There is something disheartening about finding math in everything – it leaves you paranoid. I think that is what the movie, The Number 23 is all about. You start to see patterns and probably make up things that aren’t even there. I hate it. I refuse to do the math most times, but due to that mental math that was drilled into my head, a lot of times, I can’t even help but do the math.

I emailed her before trying to lay down and do to sleep, because there is nothing like showing the lady you love that your brain doesn’t quite work right and you’re pretty much special needs at this point – but luckily for me, I am sure that she is well aware.

You know, I am just going to change this up a bit before I go to bed. There is a song that I haven’t hear in a while and though it is old, the first time I ever heard it, was in the last 6 or so years.. I know that there is so documentation about it somewhere, because I didn’t keep my thoughts to myself. I was pulling up at work when the song came on. I sat in my car and listened to the whole thing and declared my feelings immediately following – for the 1000th time I am sure. I mean – what if she didn’t know..

I’ve never wanted something rational

• by admin • In Music •   0

I was in my bathroom when I remembered a quick dream last night, I suppose the dream was most likely much longer but what I remember lasted all of a minute if that.

In my dream, we were standing in my bathroom, which was exceptionally clean (it’s amazing what I can achieve when I care – my biggest challenge). I was standing there in my blue shorts which are some PGA style – I consider them nice. I was wearing a white tank top and there were a few of us standing around. My brother and M were in the group. I picked up this white long sleeve button up that has tiny blue dots on it and asked her if she would be mad if I wore this? She audibly laughed at my question and my brother just said “No.”

When we go to the local gay bar, the young gay boys love to wear shorts with dress shirts and it drives me fucking nuts. I have no idea why I would dream about that but I had worn the pants after my shower the night before my dream and the shirt was hanging in my bathroom on the towel rack because I went to wear it with jeans one day and I didn’t have a white shirt to wear under it – so I changed. I decided my grey tank top showing through was less than professional.

Where were we going? What were we doing? Who cares? I really appreciated the response of laughter to a ridiculous question.

There is no need to go into that last mistake I fell into and how I was reminded as to why I am so scared of women. In the first few months of my last relationship, that I never really wanted to be in, my mom had a crisis. During the crisis I put her at said girlfriend’s house when I ran out of money to keep her in a hotel. This was early July 2016, it started on June 30, that half way point of the year that is painful for many.

One day my mom said. if you ever want to be happy, don’t stay with this bitch. The only point to these comments in a completely unrelated post, is that its not. Within 2 months of my relationship that drug on for years due to manipulation with young children that I could not bare to abandon – my mom, the worst person for a relationship, could tell me that I needed to run. I knew she was right but thought it was a mean thing to say. I thought I could change people, for the better. Teach them that they shouldn’t act like that – but it wasn’t that easy and when I thought I had achieved anything – it was all fake, so just like in 2005, I just held out until they cheated on me. It’s not the best tactic, but I escaped, and that is my story about a bad relationship, but I can’t help but pity here and somehow we remain friends because I will support anyone that will be part of my life – I just have to set boundaries and keep my distance. Her kids and I are close. The nine year old had told me he hates me for more times than I can count.. that’s how you know a kid really cares. They love everything: rocks, toys, everyone they meet, dogs, cats, any animal – but they only scream they hate you when you put them to bed and tell them you love them when they really care.

Back to my real post – every time I play a video on YouTube, this video is one of the 12 squares that remain at the end. I always click it – and I always love it.

And for whatever reason, I felt the need to post another classic.

I grow fonder every day

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music •   Comments Off on I grow fonder every day

This morning I woke up with a swollen eye that hurt and itched. I called into work and went to the doctor. I haven’t been to the doctor since January when I lost my insurance, so I actually forgot who my ‘current’ doctor was. Through prescription medicine, I was able to track her down but I ended up going to the walk in clinic anyway because this town is getting too big.

When I was searching through my prescriptions I ended thinking about my psych doctor, which I don’t even completely understand. I have never been to one so I probably don’t even know what to expect. I thought about how we really don’t talk about a whole lot and remembered how he says I don’t trust him, but he is a really nice guy and says it in a nice old man way.

In Late January or February – somewhere in where when everything was falling apart but nothing had started to come back together yet, he said something that I didn’t really understand but it stuck with me. He said, “Well, you have situational depression – anyone would feel this way.” It stood out because it seemed like a dumb comment to me at the time, but for some reason, I felt hope when I realized that might be different than clinical depression – why does it even frickin’ matter… It doesn’t but most people that know me well, know that I fear ending up like my mother in any form or fashion, so maybe finding ways to separate myself from her just helps.

I escaped that conversation in my head and went into the doctor now that I can again. She seemed to think my eye looked pretty bad and inadvertantly made jokes about there was no way in hell I would be able to put this ointment in my eye. She did have to touch it and that was nearly as embarrassing as my annual exams – they tell me to relax.. whatever that means. There is no telling what my file says.

But most importantly, on the way to the doctor, this song came on and I could not help but sing it. Apparently, I know all the words. weird.

She’s got a smile that heals me

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

Thank you, BOB FM, for introducing me to such music right before bed.

It takes a special type of recluse to be introduced to a song that was recorded over 10 years before you were born. I suppose, that wouldn’t be common knowledge.

Today, I tried my best to tell her something really deep in my heart, as much as you can over a text type communication. There were moments after we said goodnight that I wanted to tell her, “I care about you deeply” because I just feel like there are so many emotions loaded into those words, but maybe it’s just me. It my memory is as accurate as I think it is, the first time that I told her that was right before she left to San Francisco. It meant – I loved her but feared the shear idea of such a thing. Tonight, I felt the need to say all that, but instead, I said goodnight.

Then there are the songs that I have been listening to for as long as I can remember. I have always heard the words but never understood what they could possibly mean – tonight, I realize – every pop song can’t be speaking to me – but I have decided to turn off BOB because apparently, my mind is else where.

I hate when I have to ask what the difference between creepy and romantic is and so far everyone can only tell me, it depends on if they like it. How terrifying is that when you have no idea. Luckily for me, I don’t think I was creepy but I was always afraid that pure human emotion was a thing of the past. This song has always seem somewhere in between to me.

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Dreams, Music, Pop Rock, Post-Grunge •   0

The last couple of days have been challenging because I have a heart and now I know that some people will push you for all that you are worth, but hopefully that is all over. I haven’t had any free moments in peace, so this will be written a day after it is posted for.

Monday night, I had a dream that has only grown in detail since I first woke up and started remembering piece. It feels more like a distant memory. It was enough to make me look up vivid dreams.

When I looked into it, I only confirmed that they are in fact vivid dreams to say the least, which is why CouchBoy has said that he forgets his dreams nearly instantly where I have found myself thinking about a dream that I had days later, only to finally look up the basic themes to then laugh to myself and crawl back into my bed with my loving dogs but not without my attempt to show that I care about her deeply in different words.

So my dream the other night:

We had been talking on the phone, or talking verbally, I am not sure. I could hear her voice and she asked me to come over for a little while. I tried to make a light joke or two about why that would not be a smart move on my part but in just a few words she talked me out of common sense by reassuring me that she would never put me in harms way and I trusted her blindly and proceeded.

There was an ominous feel to walking up to her house. It was that of the knight walking up to an evil castle hesitantly. I looked back down the hill, knowing better than to proceed, but without much though – I walked up to her house and knocked softly. She opened the door near instantly. She hugged me and whispered that it was okay and lead me to the couch where we watched TV and played a game together that involved dice. I can’t remember a single detail about the game besides it involved multiple regular dice.

Eventually we stopped playing and started to nearly fall asleep watching TV. She told me that she was going to bed and I could either come with her or she’s understand if I wanted to go home. I looked at her confuse, as to ask her – why would I want to do that and nearly at the same time, we both looked back to the dark cave-like hallway. Our eyes met, neither of us said a thing, there was an exchange of facial expressions, she took my hand and lead me back to her bed. I can’t explain how emotionally seductive this moment was but it brought back feelings in my dream that I didn’t remember that I had.

Just as I expected, the elephant in the room, but she just climbed into bed with obvious distance from the elephant wanting TV and then pulled me close. I laid with my head on her chest and watched whatever was playing on TV. It didn’t seem as either of us were very interested in what was on TV but we tried ever so hard to act and be interested. It was silent besides a few giggles. I feel like I must have fallen right to sleep because the only thing that I remember about that part besides reminding myself that this was how people got murdered and there was just something symbolic there that can’t be found in a book but the one detail that I do remember was that I had my left hand up her shirt slightly, touching her stomach softly as my heart raced – because, once again, I thought – I might die if I do this – but I did it anyway. That’s what being gay in the country used to be like.

Let me tell you about how I have seen Boys Don’t Cry 1.5 times. That is because I was by myself the second time that I watched it and I did not make it through. I turned it off. It was a DVD or it would have still been at the half way point.

When I woke up and though about it more – I didn’t really think anything about playing games but DreamMoods.com seemed to think that was relevant. There was an entry on bedroom but I felt that was too generic and I am not about that life and then, since the most remember-able part of the dream is touching her stomach, careful not to move wrong while my heart raced – I decided to look up stomachs and then I wondered about how I would come up with this stuff.

The other day, I was fighting with Madd because she was bitching that she needed help packing and she wouldn’t be done in time but she was able to run off to some chicks house and stay out to whatever time the next day. I gave her hell about it because she expected me to pick up her slack and I wasn’t having it. At some point she called me jealous and I just dropped it because the last thing I wanted was for her to think I wanted her – then I realized – fuck – I am jealous. Not jealous of what she thinks I am. I was jealous that she could run off and see who ever it was she was going to see when I know that I shouldn’t even ask to see that lady that I can’t keep off my mind.

Board Games

To see or play board games in your dream signifies your progress in life. How you do in the board game is analogous to the setbacks and accomplishments in your waking life. Consider the name of the board game you are playing in your dream for additional significance.

Dice

To see or play dice in your dream suggests that you are taking chances and playing with fate. It refers to the unpredictability of life. The dream may also be a pun on  a situation that may be getting too “dicey”. Consider the significance of the numbers reflected on the dice or how many dice were thrown.

Stomach

To see or touch someone’s stomach in your dream indicates that this person is trying to reach out to you. He or she is trying to connect o you on an emotional level.

Here are a few songs off of No Name Face a sound track that no one wants.

If it was the early 2000s, I would be so much more of a pain in the ass.