Tonight, was one of those nights that restored my faith in at least one human being – well, there was really no restoring to be done – it has been just fine but I was trying to be cleaver somewhere in there.
This morning, I had to wake up early to go a couple blocks away to the psych doctor – I just do it for cheap medicine and so that I can assure anyone that thinks I am unhealthy that I see tons of doctors in all sorts of fields so I must have my shit together, right? I clearly don’t know how that works but I did bake cookies today after work – that’s kind of epic.
I was planning on mixing stuff together from a box like brownies until I realized it didn’t seem to be that easy. I looked at the ingredients on the chocolate chips for the cookies and decided the would probably prefer I didn’t screw it up so I opted for cookie dough and I think they turned out well. I didn’t eat any but they weren’t burnt.
The rest of that story will stay in my memory but I can say that I turn into the oddest little bird for her.
On my way to work, Brooks & Dunn’s “Red Dirt Road” came on the radio and I stopped to listen to it for whatever reason. I heard a line in it that made me blush and think about it for the rest of the day.
I really don’t give myself that much credit but I appreciated the radios encouragement. At this point, I am thrilled that she knows who I am and cares enough to keep me company when I message her just to hear from her.
This song stayed on my mind until I had to post about it. Why did I stop on this song? Country is usually one of my last choices, but I am partial to early 90s country because of my grandparents. We would listen to it at their house during nap time. I grew up in a home daycare and I am quite sure that it is where I learned my first leadership skills.
I found this cover of the song interesting, but I am going to post the original also since it is the one I heard and then I am going to go a few more years back with another vague story that may serve a purpose one day.
Now that I have seen the video, I can’t stop watching it. That’s the kind of love that I want. I want to smile like that and I want to see her smile. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone noticed – when I used to go into this bakery that she used to work at. I would get stuffed beagles on my lunch break. I would usually take them to go, but I had to wait for them to be heated up. I always wondered what my facial expression looked like when I would hear her laugh in the back. I could feel my heart smile – so did anyone else notice? I saw her once when she was there, I acted like I didn’t. I was paying or walking in, I am not sure. Our lives are strange. Half the time I was nervous as hell. Right before I left to Guatemala, I stopped in there to tell her I was leaving. It was the only time I ever asked about her, the nice guy working told me that she had just left. That was one of the last times that I went in there.
A few years back, I was travelling to Shreveport for work and as I drove on I20 between Dallas and Louisiana, my radio stations would get interesting. There was a night that I stopped on this classic Garth Brooks song because of the first few lines. My brother and I have later talked about how dated the song is with a few lines, but for a country song, it is one of my favorites.
I had to share this guy’s version, because the rest just made me laugh – at the video and at myself. That’s one thing that draws me to her – the way that she makes be feel different than anyone ever has. I would have to describe it as quite feminine because I don’t know a better word. I have never been so interested in someone else. I feel myself giggle when I think about her. My heart skips a beat when she smiles at me – even if she is walking next to him.
I really hate to say it, but I start to notice when I have forgotten to take my medicine just a few days it. Today makes 3. I cleaned the bathroom and apparently, if its out of site, I forget about it. If only life were so simple, but once again – I really won’t ever wish for that again.
Emotions and feelings seem to be a big struggle. It seems easier to just take medicine and avoid them at all cost, but what about when you start to miss them? Then there is always the moment when you are reminded that those are what seem to get you in trouble.
For some reason, I am back to where I was about 20 years ago – feeling like my family is completely embarrassed of me and that I would be better off if I just didn’t like / care about anyone at all – but I remember that and it was a sad pointless time in my life.
Today, when I saw this video again, I wondered if I was the boy or if I was the dog. It felt all too familiar – and something that I don’t even want to talk about and don’t share with anyone. There is actually not a person in the world that I tell them how I feel about them. Though I do my best to be as open as possible with one – then I always start to panic – because what if.
I have never heard this song before, but I guess I found it tonight. I really would never listen to it but I guess I need some songs that I have never posted before.
Now how about some more gay ass music since I am secure in my sexuality – when I don’t think about it too long, that is.
Laugh if you but this is the best one yet.
I like it when she sings other people’s music – but hers is awful. But damn, I do love Sarah McLaughlin. I never really understood exactly what this song was all about – but I have always been quite partial.
I saw Aaron Lewis once, back in about 2003 in Dallas. I never understood why he would be the one to open for Marilyn Manson at the Freaker’s Ball show. Back then I used to be so brave and carefree. During that time, I had been dating Mindy, who is now Kristopher. That is a complicated conversation, but she had already started talking to Pam. I wasn’t having it. I lived here. Mindy lived in Oklahoma and Pam lived in Washington State at the time. I drove my happy ass to Davis, Oklahoma in hopes that she would go with me to this concert. I had a back up plan to take one of her friends if she refused, but she agreed to go with me and we had a great time. Just like everyone one, we had a complicated relationship. She left me for Pam, who was much more feminine. Since I had no limits back then, somehow – I ended up with Pam. She ended up coming to visit over spring break of 2004 and then she moved to Texas to live with me for the next few years.
It all ended when she went back to WA to go to her step-sister’s wedding. Some jealous mutual friend of ours told her that she saw me take someone home from Lucy’s – which was a complete lie. She was so distraught, she ran to the one person that I told her to stay away from back there and then what I knew would happen did – and well, I used to be, a lot different.
When she left, I told her, if you touch Aimee while you are there, you will never touch me again – and I held true to that.
I used to be very passionate and romantic. Now I try my best not to be either. I feel like it’s forbidden and I try my best to just stay away.
Lately, I have felt like my emotions have been quite… present. I am not sure what to say about this, but I have found myself following in love with albums that touched my soul as I tried to figure things out just out of high school. Here I am, still trying to figure out how to act with other people.
I guess it doesn’t matter that I’m sayin’ that I love you Because you don’t believe me anyway But still I’m screaming that I love you and I’m driving myself crazy And I’m making you insane
Doria Roberts, Restoration Album
You know, it is those silent moments that leave me in the deepest thought. I try my hardest to avoid it. I try to stay away from the sweetest words that I have ever read. There are all there in my email, but I don’t go back, because I am usually just embarrassed of myself. When I came across a screenshot from an email that she sent me on 7/20/2014, I only read her reply. I didn’t read the two I sent before or the one that I sent after, or I would just feel ridiculous, because I know that I am – but I feel like she understands. If she doesn’t, she tries her very best to. It doesn’t help me love her less.
She played this last night in Green Elk, IL but the quality was not as good. If I was hooked to a computer through some microchip inserted into my brain, then someone would be able to track how many times my heart-rate spiked today. On my lunch break, I decided to tell her that I had another blue tank dress dream again. You know – I didn’t even know what a tank dress was before that day and I remember enough to know that she told me it was knew. I must remember her telling me to get in the car, I feel like I walked out to the main road and I know she said something about the car being dirty but that was the last thing I noticed. I also remember her walking up to my house, so she must have just parked out there. This was years ago – so many years ago, but I think about it more than I should. I wonder what my facial expression must have been. At this point, I feel like it was the last time my breath was completely taken away – I guess, just because I didn’t expect it.
I actually feel incredibly guilty about it all. I suppose she knows that. At this point, I try my best not to be attracted to anything or anyone because it just gets me in trouble, but there I am. heart racing, when I feel brave enough to say something that I feel I shouldn’t. I wonder if she remembers the conversation the same way that I do, or if it is just because I talk about it when I get too day dreamy. I never felt like she meant to say, “We should move here.” She had a way of making me feel hyper feminine in an emotional way that wanted to run off and.. you know, do those things people do when they run off. I wouldn’t know because I have never gotten to live that adventure yet. …it’s always been too soon.
When I saw this pop up on my suggested videos, I was surprised to see there was an official video and had completely forgotten about a song that used to make me feel quite tough. It doesn’t make me feel the same way it used to. His image also takes something away from it for me.
I feel like I have more to say about this but no time at the moment.
There are two man-children living in my house. The first one is my fault, he is my brother, and after several tragic events in our lives, I take pity on him and try my best to ensure he sticks around for the rest of our family, and myself of course. The other, is getting on my last nerve. He is a long time acquaintance. I can’t say that we have ever been really good friends but due to my many defense mechanisms, I can’t say I have many real friends these days. This post is going to be about that one, his name is Harley. It is actually James but he goes by a nickname or his middle name, I am not even sure – but that alone is slightly shady if you ask me.
He finds himself in the strangest predicaments and I don’t think his attitude towards life helps him much. He needed a place to stay last January because his polyamory relationship with a married couple, that he was living with started to decline quickly. I can only imagine he started acting like he ran the place without paying for a thing, but that’s just an educated guess – I really have no idea what the issue was.
We met back in 2001, when I was working at a Subway in a gas station in NB and he was working at the Hastings. The population of NB was just under 40K back then and there were far less options when it came to shopping. He ate at that Subway and I shopped at Hastings so much, we became friends.
He and I didn’t really keep in touch but ran into each other from time to time. He was living in my neighborhood, next door to a friend many years later and we ran into each other again. Now that Social Media was prevalent, we kept in touch.
Fast forward several years to where he is now my resident couch boy. He was doing the dishes and mopping the floors incessantly, but something changed that and he stopped abruptly. He has been asking me for money nearly daily for vape juice, coils and kratom but I finally put my foot down when I accidentally bounced a rent payment because so may people were “borrowing” money from me, I couldn’t even keep up anymore. I was fortunate to have the needed money in uncashed checks, but my broke as friends were starting to take advantage of me.
He hasn’t asked me for money since, but whenever I say something, he argues. This guy is a self proclaimed feminist, so I badly want to call him out when he mansplains why it is okay for him to smoke his vaporizer in my closet next to hand-made 30 year old dresses that my grandmother made me that I do not plan to ever wash again. My take on that is, if you are in my house for free, have your office set up in my closet and vape constantly to the point where all of my clothes smell now and I ask you to stop, you should just fucking stop, even if you are the scientist behind vape juice and know that it ‘disappears’ and leaves behind no residue.. I don’t want to hear about it, I want you to listen.
I may have an inferiority complex, I may be controlling – but I am not a charity that is obligated to care for disrespectful men that feel they are better than everyone else but can’t even support themselves.
He used to donate plasma for his income but since my subsidies were cut off, he got a job at AJs BBQ. He owes me quite a bit of money since he claimed he was borrowing those daily $30 transactions but I have not seen a dollar yet. He doesn’t buy food for the house. He doesn’t share and no longer cleans. I hate to break it to him but he is not here so I can check out his fine midget body. Pardon my unruly attitude but he better start doing something to make himself useful.
Today the argument was because at 3 PM I turned some faint lights on in my living room so that I could walk through there without tripping. He had the audacity to ask me if he could turn them off and when I said no and explained I want to be able to walk through my house without tripping he tried to explain to me that I am never in there – I had to bit my tongue not to be more rude. The reason I am never in there is because its pitch black and full of all of his shit. I feel like I am losing control over my house and this type of thing just stresses me out.
