which seems to be much more pleasant than the craigslist post that echoed in my head last December. One day things are going to change, I can feel it..
When I went on my lunch break from work, this was the song on the radio. You know that I blasted it in the parking lot.. shamelessly.
Today I had to go on another walk. I didn’t stop at the park like I normally do, because there were some kids playing there. I have listened to all of my Ani Difranco songs up until about the Ls at this point. This song hasn’t come up yet, but at 3 am this seems to make me feel better about something. I wish she wouldn’t blow me off the way that she does.
But I do look forward to seeing her again.
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one
This song means a lot to me, I have so many words for this post.
I wish that you could go to the show with me.
Today was the first time I noticed the word Omaha in one of my favorite songs. It reminded me that she never told me her mom’s name.
When I suddenly ended up with more free time than I knew what to do with, my friends tried to help. Maddie had heard me talk about records. I didn’t know much about them. It was only in the last year that I ever sat down and listened to a record. When she saw my interest peak, she gave me a small Jensen record player that she had extra. It had internal speakers and she thought it sounded like shit. I showed her the connections on the back and told her how to hook up real speakers to it but since she already had a better one, she said it was all mine.
I have collected some records from half priced books and bought a few from my friend that used to own the hemp store downtown. Torie gave me my most recent record. It’s called The Original 22 Countrypolitan hits. It’s about as emotional as the greatest hits of Eddie Arnold that I bought because I used to listen to it with my grandma in the car. I guess I had never had my heart broken at that time because I hear a lot more in these songs now.
I would be lying if I said each of those didn’t make me think of someone and cry just the slightest tear.
I have been trying so hard – to love her the right way. It isn’t ever easy loving someone that you can’t be with, but it gets even harder when you have to face the reasons why you can’t.
Yesterday I spent a few moments complaining to my best friend from high school, that I was certain her boyfriend is Charlie and I explained how I came to that conclusion. I think her response was something along the lines of, “Jen.. what did you think paying attention would get you?” So I listened and I remembered, I typed some words in youtube and I watched every video that I found on that channel. Well only most of them, and then followed that up by an explanation to her via email. I am so nerdy sometimes.
I just said, “Amy.. I am sure she is dating Charlie… and I am pretty certain that he is the one that won’t even let her be part of my life…” If anyone knows that I have difficulty making real connections with people, its her. She’s been my best friend since about 1997.. around the same time that I met Charlie. I am pretty sure that he was in my computer lit class.. the last year that I had a crush on a boy. It was 7th grade.
When you grow up in the middle of no where going to a conservative ass school… you get to know the people you grow up with. If the guys you live with dont know who I am, its only because they are so full of them selves and stuck up, they have forgotten or something.
She asked, “Does he know that it is you that he is saying that she can’t talk to?” Like I know.. but she was just as shocked. I don’t know why I feel so entitled to be in contact with my friends that mean the most to me… but people just don’t tell me who I can and can’t talk to. A strong woman taught me that years ago.
PS, I didn’t run over the hairy faced guy riding his bike up the street last night around 11 as I was headed to the gas station. I felt like someone should have been proud. It was dark and I honestly didn’t see his face but in my mind — he could have been the offending party.
And for the record.. I would never hurt anyone, not even someone that would purposely hurt me, but at 11 at night I will make jokes to myself in my head about it.
Tomorrow makes one year since you called me your girlfriend as I was taking you home. I will never forget that night.