I’m feeling a bit down tonight. The more that I think, the worse that I get… I guess that’s where having a live-in friend is a good distraction.. She’s on her way back for all parties in interest. Right now I am filling my lungs with smoke and my ears with that music. I made it about 15 minutes into their Japan tour and realized that this music is not helping. It’s just reminding me that I have a terrible concept of music or people think I listen to bad music anyway. I like lyrics and well, I haven’t heard and that I understand yet, so it’s time to go back to the standard Ani Difranco, but that won’t help either.

I am about to start and I always tell my self that’s the reason I am missing her so much, somehow it happens every time. Maybe that’s just part of being a woman.. that is in love with another woman, and the rest of the story is irrelevant.

This is where most anyone else would stop me and say, “No, Jen.. the rest of the story is very relevant.” I suppose this is where I get irrational.. I’m like, “No we are just friends.” and that self control that I think I have flies right out the window. It’s not that I don’t have full psychical self control but that emotional self control is non existent.

Every other word circling in my head right now has been said time and time again. How did I end up feeling like this, in this situation.. and I am so certain that I am in the right..

Last night, in my dreams, we had a real conversation.. it wasn’t in the direction that I was expecting, or wanting. I convince myself that it is just my fears manifesting.. Over thinking tends to lead to such things. Sometimes I just want to stare into her eyes.. I feel like we could have a whole conversation without any words. I’m pretty sure that it would end up with her smiling and kissing me.. or maybe I am just slipping off into a day dream again. Actually, I’m certain that I have drifted that direction.

The truth be told – soon enough she will text me and want to hang out. It will be like nothing ever happened.. and I will be completely okay with that. Because my life is pretty fantastic anytime that she is around. My life is so confusing.

This is exactly why I gave up feelings so long ago. Now if I could only remember what it was like to not care about any damn thing right about now. It’s weird how that works.