one last thing before I quit

October 12, 2014October 6, 2021 • by admin • In Music, Rock • Comments Off

I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head
I still remember every single word you said

While I was waiting for my friend, who was kind enough to understand why I really needed that pizza…

I got really nervous and tried to occupy my time on my phone, but I haven’t downloaded many apps on it.

This is what happened:

Well, I am sure that is real mature… but I guess that’s how I felt (in the shallow end).

Over all, I was really happy to know that she was okay, I just – get so confused and can’t make sense of it ever. It leaves me in a confused mess substituting facts for presumptions, never safe.

Things will get better. There is no doubt in my mind that she cares about me.

If you knew what I’m left imagining

October 11, 2014October 1, 2021 • by admin • In Pop, Rock • Comments Off

When I say that I am always completely honest, that is a lie…

I always keep her feelings in mind. It isn’t always the first thing I think about and sometimes I have to calm down and remind myself what’s really important before I stop acting so childish.

If I told her how I really felt….

I would be afraid that I was providing a bias opinion. I know that no one would would give a shit about that but her feelings and best interests are what seem to be most important to me.. Which is exactly why at this point I just want her to tell me that she’s fine but she’s too busy to talk to me. Why is that comforting? I have no clue but I get pretty scared of some irrational things.

Do I really believe all of the things I imagine? I sure as fuck hope not, but crazy shit does happen. I never thought I would end up in such a situation. Just thinking about it all is enough to make me want to cry right now. One can imagine what I was like when I actually did read that post.

Did I say that I read it over and over again? Just to make sure.. that’s what it said. It never changed, and stayed up for so long.

When I think about that – I wonder how she felt when she read my reply – it actually devastates me to think about it. Just recently I was thinking about this, in a, I know its not easy being her either, type way…

This is when I just wish that I could sleep.

Giving away promises I know that I can’t keep

October 9, 2014October 1, 2021 • by admin • In Music, Rock • 0

I’m feeling a bit down tonight. The more that I think, the worse that I get… I guess that’s where having a live-in friend is a good distraction.. She’s on her way back for all parties in interest. Right now I am filling my lungs with smoke and my ears with that music. I made it about 15 minutes into their Japan tour and realized that this music is not helping. It’s just reminding me that I have a terrible concept of music or people think I listen to bad music anyway. I like lyrics and well, I haven’t heard and that I understand yet, so it’s time to go back to the standard Ani Difranco, but that won’t help either.

I am about to start and I always tell my self that’s the reason I am missing her so much, somehow it happens every time. Maybe that’s just part of being a woman.. that is in love with another woman, and the rest of the story is irrelevant.

This is where most anyone else would stop me and say, “No, Jen.. the rest of the story is very relevant.” I suppose this is where I get irrational.. I’m like, “No we are just friends.” and that self control that I think I have flies right out the window. It’s not that I don’t have full psychical self control but that emotional self control is non existent.

Every other word circling in my head right now has been said time and time again. How did I end up feeling like this, in this situation.. and I am so certain that I am in the right..

Last night, in my dreams, we had a real conversation.. it wasn’t in the direction that I was expecting, or wanting. I convince myself that it is just my fears manifesting.. Over thinking tends to lead to such things. Sometimes I just want to stare into her eyes.. I feel like we could have a whole conversation without any words. I’m pretty sure that it would end up with her smiling and kissing me.. or maybe I am just slipping off into a day dream again. Actually, I’m certain that I have drifted that direction.

The truth be told – soon enough she will text me and want to hang out. It will be like nothing ever happened.. and I will be completely okay with that. Because my life is pretty fantastic anytime that she is around. My life is so confusing.

This is exactly why I gave up feelings so long ago. Now if I could only remember what it was like to not care about any damn thing right about now. It’s weird how that works.