This song means a lot to me, I have so many words for this post.
I wish that you could go to the show with me.
Music
You Pretend It Doesn’t Bother You
Today was the first time I noticed the word Omaha in one of my favorite songs. It reminded me that she never told me her mom’s name.
I’ve got your picture, he’s got you.
When I suddenly ended up with more free time than I knew what to do with, my friends tried to help. Maddie had heard me talk about records. I didn’t know much about them. It was only in the last year that I ever sat down and listened to a record. When she saw my interest peak, she gave me a small Jensen record player that she had extra. It had internal speakers and she thought it sounded like shit. I showed her the connections on the back and told her how to hook up real speakers to it but since she already had a better one, she said it was all mine.
I have collected some records from half priced books and bought a few from my friend that used to own the hemp store downtown. Torie gave me my most recent record. It’s called The Original 22 Countrypolitan hits. It’s about as emotional as the greatest hits of Eddie Arnold that I bought because I used to listen to it with my grandma in the car. I guess I had never had my heart broken at that time because I hear a lot more in these songs now.
I would be lying if I said each of those didn’t make me think of someone and cry just the slightest tear.
Staring at the bottom of your glass, Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
I have been trying so hard – to love her the right way. It isn’t ever easy loving someone that you can’t be with, but it gets even harder when you have to face the reasons why you can’t.
Yesterday I spent a few moments complaining to my best friend from high school, that I was certain her boyfriend is Charlie and I explained how I came to that conclusion. I think her response was something along the lines of, “Jen.. what did you think paying attention would get you?” So I listened and I remembered, I typed some words in youtube and I watched every video that I found on that channel. Well only most of them, and then followed that up by an explanation to her via email. I am so nerdy sometimes.
I just said, “Amy.. I am sure she is dating Charlie… and I am pretty certain that he is the one that won’t even let her be part of my life…” If anyone knows that I have difficulty making real connections with people, its her. She’s been my best friend since about 1997.. around the same time that I met Charlie. I am pretty sure that he was in my computer lit class.. the last year that I had a crush on a boy. It was 7th grade.
When you grow up in the middle of no where going to a conservative ass school… you get to know the people you grow up with. If the guys you live with dont know who I am, its only because they are so full of them selves and stuck up, they have forgotten or something.
She asked, “Does he know that it is you that he is saying that she can’t talk to?” Like I know.. but she was just as shocked. I don’t know why I feel so entitled to be in contact with my friends that mean the most to me… but people just don’t tell me who I can and can’t talk to. A strong woman taught me that years ago.
PS, I didn’t run over the hairy faced guy riding his bike up the street last night around 11 as I was headed to the gas station. I felt like someone should have been proud. It was dark and I honestly didn’t see his face but in my mind — he could have been the offending party.
And for the record.. I would never hurt anyone, not even someone that would purposely hurt me, but at 11 at night I will make jokes to myself in my head about it.
Tomorrow makes one year since you called me your girlfriend as I was taking you home. I will never forget that night.
‘Staring at the bottom of your glass, hoping one day you’ll make a dream last’
Today my song didn’t come to when I was driving back to work but when I was coming home from the hospital after visiting my friend, Ronnie… She had to have some random surgery, pretty scary stuff, but when I left.. I was still reminded her by that damn radio.
Last night, around midnight, I got a call from Ronnie. She had already told me that she had to leave work early because she was sick and that she had to get surgery today. When she called me back later, she asked me if I would come stay up there with her.
It was the first time that I had ever slept at a hospital before. As I was driving up there, I was convinced that there was no way that they would let me even go back there to see her. I’ve seen ‘If These Walls Could Talk 2″ and I have felt.. very much in a patriarchy world lately, but much to my surprise, no one batted an eye and everyone was really nice. The chair made into a bed and they gave me a blanket a pillow. She is just a friend that has become important to me.
When you sleep at a hospital, you don’t. When I am woken up every hour for whatever they are doing, it takes me that long to get back to sleep. Around 5 am I decided to get up and go home. She was getting blood work done and I don’t need to see.. blood. My sister dropped off my niece and I slept until I had to put her on the bus at 6:45. My bed has never felt so inviting. It couldn’t have hurt that I had to wash all of my sheets and blankets on account of my dog becoming tragically ill during this lovely week. So after the kid was on the bus, of course I had to sleep just a little longer.
The dream seemed so real so I couldn’t even imagine how it started. When I have a dream that all of my teeth are falling out, it always happens the same way. It’s always a jagged, bloody mess. I can’t say that there is ever any physical pain but always a feeling of panic and embarrassment. This morning in my dream I was wearing some kid of retainer and my teeth were all just so loose. Something happened differently this time. From past dreams, I never remember trying to do something about it, just putting my broken teeth in my pocket or something. Today in my dream, I had called my grandmother to ask her if I could borrow money to go to the dentist. It seems so strange like, what the heck is the dentist going to do but.. it’s what happened. I don’t remember how she responded at all but I remember specifically telling her that I only had $200. From what I know about dentistry, I wasn’t going to get much for that $200.
My alarm had been set, but somehow I had turned it off, maybe just to lay down for one more minute. Something suddenly woke me and work had started 15 minutes ago. More concerned that I had all of my teeth, I went and brushed my teeth and rushed off to work. My hair may have looked like… well awesome. and I was in the clothes that I slept in at the hospital, but I went to work.. and I had all my teeth.
That moment that I realize the song I referenced has nothing to do with my post at all, but was part of my day and I am pretty sure that is completely related. We all know that I have no clue what I am talking about at this point anyway.
Updated: March 2018 – Link to video, image and tags
‘I am alone with my feelings and I can finish my thoughts’
Tonight an album that I used to listen to a lot crossed my mind. It was called Restoration by Doria Roberts. It doesn’t seem like I can find most of my favorite songs from that cd but ‘Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought‘ (Listen to) was the song that I thought about when I looked at the clock and say that it was 3 am, but it was a completely different song that I was actually thinking of. I ended up listening to ‘Thinking of You‘ (YouTube) which was.. not something I was specifically looking for but suiting.
Doria Roberts is most famous for her song ‘Perfect‘ and is one of my all time favorites.
The song that lead me to thinking about all of the above songs was actually called ‘Dying Man’s Wish‘ (YouTube) and I was completely wrong about the lyrics that made me think of it all from the start. The line is “It’s 5 AM and I’m drinking coffee with my girlfriend.” It was only 3 AM so… I should have been thinking about Matchbox 20 all along.
I have no idea why that song is titled that. I feel like I am going to be awake for a while.
‘I could leave but I won’t go, it’d be easier I know’
Getting out of bed in the morning is always the hardest part. Maybe I should change the time that I have been taking my medicine. People say it can make a difference. I strolled into work a casual 20 minutes late but no one complained. Luckily, last Thursday I went straight into work and took the next available day off. Thank you last week me for knowing that this week me would still not want to have anything to do with work. It’s almost like I have been here before and I just don’t want to see another self fulfilled prophecy, so I can’t even talk about that, but I plan on doing things a lot differently.
Last time I felt like I had lost everything that I had dreamed about for so long, I went a little… wild. I was on a search for something that is not easy to find and I went about it all the wrong way for so long. In about 2012 I had realized that it just wasn’t working for me and quit dating ladies.. I actually hadn’t called anyone my girlfriend since 2009, until I met her.
She called me her girlfriend first, and since I wasn’t trying to find myself in some weird embarrassing situation, I was sooo clear. I had asked her if we were actually together, you know, before I went and told the whole world. It was a Saturday, it was slow at work, and I actually posted it on facebook and oh did my friends react.. I never told her but she’s not on facebook and would probably have considered it all silly anyway. (To see the reactions) The first one to comment was a girl that I had started to talk to briefly in May. I had actually been at her mother’s benefit the day that I had met said lady. Every time i wear those jeans and button up shirt together, i think of that day. The shoes that I were wearing haven’t been worn since about that time. Maybe they didn’t make me feel sophisticated enough for her.
The point of thinking about that was that, I never changed my relationship status away from that. In July when she broke up with me, I left it stay the same for a while. My friend Amber said that if I didn’t change it I would look crazy.. So I made it private. I’m sure that’s less crazy. Now, every time I open my facebook, on the right it says “In a relationship” and I get just a little sad thinking about how absolutely excited I was when I believed that I had everything I had been dreaming about.
Which leads me to thinking about how she just made my heart flutter so much by just walking in the door less than a month ago. Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the yellow flowers. It does mean friendship, after all. They were the ones standing out like my animation reference. The denial was too strong. The fantasy was also. We have a way of seeing what we want to and ignoring the rest.
She is someone that I would tight rope walk on the bendy line of my out stretched morals while reminding myself to quit looking down so I’m not so afraid of falling. I am scared of heights but no afraid of falling.
Now if I can just convince myself to leave her alone until she wants to have me back in her life. Until then I am making changing to make sure I am easier to deal with. She shouldn’t have to deal with me and my jealousy.
If the question ever arises, “Why would I spend time messing with a website that no one may see?” The answer is simple: Someone may read it, and it may make a difference, specifically referring to only one person of course. And if not, what do I have to lose? It’s my attempt to do a little better about that walking away so tough and never looking back thing. I only expected it to last a few weeks but it seems that I never even made it to the first step.. for me to shut the heck up. It seems impossible. The forces at be are more powerful than my amazing will power.. That’s all.
Updated: March 2018 – Image and tags
‘But your thoughts will soon be wandering, the way they always do’
I went up to Austin to busy myself. Went to Central Market to meet Jenn for lunch. She wanted to know how things were going with us. The last she heard I was gushing about how great things were and how I thought things were going to be different this time. She had always seen something in us, ever since she met us at the party. It’s always nice to have people that encourage something that turned out to be so controversial.
While I was at Central Market, I stumbled into the isle that had all things that smell good. There may have been 2 or 4 isles. It got pretty over whelming. I knew exactly what I was looking for and had no idea all at the same time. Would you have found it endearing? This is something that I asked myself as I continued to search for the smell that I knew would bring me some peace. Why do I have to admit to being so weird? Why am I so open about all of this? No one would imagine how closed and scared that I tend to be. Okay, maybe someone would notice how scared I get. Back to my venture to determine, “What is that fragrance that I associate with her?” I never found it. After I developed a head ache from smelling every essential oil and natural bar of soap, I wondered off to the bathroom to go before I drove home. In my moment of weakness, I sent one of those shameless texts… Never expecting an answer, but thinking about how nice it would be if it was just that easy. Smells are powerful.. All that psychology and stuff. Since I have nothing left to lose but dignity (ha who am i kidding?) my bracelet still has that smell to it slightly. These are things that I am far too tough to think about ever, but I suppose you make me secure in my femininity, if it can even be called that.
After that I stopped at Goodwill on Lamar and bought this pretty cool camera thing for a bike. It has a fisheye lens on it and a strap. Once I got home, Lauren and her new girlfriend came over. Honestly, it reminded me of when we used to hang out with her and Rachel. Today no matter what I did to distract myself, I was left — with my mind somewhere else. I was determined to come back and write about something happy.
This post was an attempt of — something — but I am pretty sure I was all over the place with my tense and did a horrible job at expressing myself.
Today I spent a few moments in immature thinking land. While visiting I thought things like:
..Well I guess I didn’t buy the right car after all. (haha WTF is wrong with me)
..Damn Nine Inch Nails coming to concert and messing my whole life up. (Really?)
and the exceptional gem:
..I must have pissed the wrong guy off in high school. (Probably but I don’t think it lead to this)
There are equally absurd and I know that in my heart that she wouldn’t stop talking to me over a car. If it was about the Nine Inch Nails concert comments, then it was just the final straw, it wasn’t my first jealous outburst. As far as the guy part.. who knows, he may have been like “fuck that bitch,” I can’t say that I have ever been very popular with men. Especially in high school.. that was a really rough time for me and at least some of the people that live with her did not make that any better. In all reality, that would be just as crazy as the other two options but these are things that go through my head along with way too many other things.
Today I thought about the Saturday that she went to a party in San Antonio and how she said, “Oh I just assumed that you would go with me,” but I had to work. That was in person later followed by a text saying that her friends would’t let her stay home.. that day circled in my head for a while today.. I always came back to the same question, “What would have happened if I would have skipped work to go?”
I was just always waiting to go somewhere or do something with her but every time that I thought ‘this’ would be the time, something would change. It’s hard not to think that I was doing something wrong, but she was convincing the last night we were able to talk. She left me believing that it was never due to a lack of caring.. which means more than I can explain.
Updated: March 2018, Image, tags, embedded video link