Music

If you knew what I’m left imagining

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When I say that I am always completely honest, that is a lie…

I always keep her feelings in mind. It isn’t always the first thing I think about and sometimes I have to calm down and remind myself what’s really important before I stop acting so childish.

If I told her how I really felt….

I would be afraid that I was providing a bias opinion. I know that no one would would give a shit about that but her feelings and best interests are what seem to be most important to me.. Which is exactly why at this point I just want her to tell me that she’s fine but she’s too busy to talk to me. Why is that comforting? I have no clue but I get pretty scared of some irrational things.

Do I really believe all of the things I imagine? I sure as fuck hope not, but crazy shit does happen. I never thought I would end up in such a situation. Just thinking about it all is enough to make me want to cry right now. One can imagine what I was like when I actually did read that post.

Did I say that I read it over and over again? Just to make sure.. that’s what it said. It never changed, and stayed up for so long.

When I think about that – I wonder how she felt when she read my reply – it actually devastates me to think about it. Just recently I was thinking about this, in a, I know its not easy being her either, type way…

This is when I just wish that I could sleep.

So perhaps I should leave here

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The song must have started just as I got into the car to go to work, because it played nearly the whole way to work. I had found another song that I had heard a million times. but I had never listened.. Maybe because if had never meant a thing to me. There were a few lines that really stood out to me.. and I was convinced, once again, about the radio conspiracy.

At the time, I didn’t think there was a better song to explain how I felt. Then I had to come home on lunch and listen to one of my classic favorites. I stumbled across this lovely live version of “As Is” by Ani and the slight alterations made me smile, so here it is. At least she admits that she’s an asshole. Who am I to judge?

Giving away promises I know that I can’t keep

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I’m feeling a bit down tonight. The more that I think, the worse that I get… I guess that’s where having a live-in friend is a good distraction.. She’s on her way back for all parties in interest. Right now I am filling my lungs with smoke and my ears with that music. I made it about 15 minutes into their Japan tour and realized that this music is not helping. It’s just reminding me that I have a terrible concept of music or people think I listen to bad music anyway. I like lyrics and well, I haven’t heard and that I understand yet, so it’s time to go back to the standard Ani Difranco, but that won’t help either.

I am about to start and I always tell my self that’s the reason I am missing her so much, somehow it happens every time. Maybe that’s just part of being a woman.. that is in love with another woman, and the rest of the story is irrelevant.

This is where most anyone else would stop me and say, “No, Jen.. the rest of the story is very relevant.” I suppose this is where I get irrational.. I’m like, “No we are just friends.” and that self control that I think I have flies right out the window. It’s not that I don’t have full psychical self control but that emotional self control is non existent.

Every other word circling in my head right now has been said time and time again. How did I end up feeling like this, in this situation.. and I am so certain that I am in the right..

Last night, in my dreams, we had a real conversation.. it wasn’t in the direction that I was expecting, or wanting. I convince myself that it is just my fears manifesting.. Over thinking tends to lead to such things. Sometimes I just want to stare into her eyes.. I feel like we could have a whole conversation without any words. I’m pretty sure that it would end up with her smiling and kissing me.. or maybe I am just slipping off into a day dream again. Actually, I’m certain that I have drifted that direction.

The truth be told – soon enough she will text me and want to hang out. It will be like nothing ever happened.. and I will be completely okay with that. Because my life is pretty fantastic anytime that she is around. My life is so confusing.

This is exactly why I gave up feelings so long ago. Now if I could only remember what it was like to not care about any damn thing right about now. It’s weird how that works.

Things that I am not even allowed to say….

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I don’t even know who King Crimson is…

If I really wanted attention, I would just say that directly to her.. and she’d be like what the hell Jen…

No more computers for you.

…I get bored – and seek the information out for myself.

I just get surprised when the answers are so easy to find.

It’s getting late or I could say it’s early depending on how I want to look at this day

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Last night I emailed her around 5 am my time.. it was 3 am where she is right now… A few of my words derived from this song. I used to love listening to Doria Roberts, Restoration but I can hardly find that full album anymore. I sure I hope I hear from this lady soon. It’s like I hold my breathe in between.. why? Not sure.

he didn’t understand me and I don’t know why I didn’t go

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If my life were a movie, this is where the sensitive ones would have started to cry softly to themselves.. It made me want to anyway. My friend, Torie, had wanted me to come over for a while. I was at another friend’s house but I left to walk to her house. I believe in perfect timing.. and well… not so perfect timing too.

As I walked up the major street that I live on, or I suppose I should say we.. I had my phone playing my MP3s on shuffle and just second after “Rush Hour” by Ani Difranco started to play, Just as the words “Did not tell him there were certain things he did not need to know” echoed through my ears. I was staring at the stars… because this song.. puts me in some kind of place… Just then this star fell straight down, right in front of me.

This lady that has stolen my heart lives within walking distance. If I would have kept walking down this street, I would end up at her house.. essentially.. I stopped dead in my tracks. I felt like the star fell forever. It burnt out much later than I expected. I stopped to text and tell her about it. It’s been days since I have talked to her. She’s on vacation. I try not to wonder with whom. My lunch break is almost over and this song is going to make me.. feel something. **Big Gulp**

Have I mentioned that I never thought that I could love again…

I’m pretty sure that I was wrong.