Music

Not really sure how to feel about it.

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock •   0

I couldn’t make this up if I tried…. I had to get a ride to work today when my car wouldn’t start – making it a 2nd Monday in a row to be late.  The first song on the radio was eerie and the second wasn’t any better.. to make me not want to run to her crying..

I usually try to be a little tougher than this in public, but the radio did it – not me.

 

It’s going on 2 AM and I am supposed to be at work by 8:30 so I better find a way to meet her in my dreams.

Sometimes I don’t want to be tough anymore. I can’t wait for the day that she touches me softly….

one last thing before I quit

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   Comments Off on one last thing before I quit

I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head
I still remember every single word you said

While I was waiting for my friend, who was kind enough to understand why I really needed that pizza…

I got really nervous and tried to occupy my time on my phone, but I haven’t downloaded many apps on it.

This is what happened:

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Well, I am sure that is real mature… but I guess that’s how I felt (in the shallow end).

Over all, I was really happy to know that she was okay, I just – get so confused and can’t make sense of it ever. It leaves me in a confused mess substituting facts for presumptions, never safe.

Things will get better. There is no doubt in my mind that she cares about me.

What if I say I will never surrender?

• by admin • In Folk •   0

I socially engineered situations today in the name of sanity.. When my friend got back with my pizza.. we were both like.. we should have thought that through.. I have a unique favorite pizza and we were both sure that she saw right through us.. I know that she’s smarter than that and can see me coming from a million miles away.

As long as she knows it was nothing but romantic. Damn the things I get myself into.

I just want to cry..

and the results were even what I wanted.. just to know she was safe. I’m bad about that.

If you knew what I’m left imagining

• by admin • In Pop, Rock •   Comments Off on If you knew what I’m left imagining

When I say that I am always completely honest, that is a lie…

I always keep her feelings in mind. It isn’t always the first thing I think about and sometimes I have to calm down and remind myself what’s really important before I stop acting so childish.

If I told her how I really felt….

I would be afraid that I was providing a bias opinion. I know that no one would would give a shit about that but her feelings and best interests are what seem to be most important to me.. Which is exactly why at this point I just want her to tell me that she’s fine but she’s too busy to talk to me. Why is that comforting? I have no clue but I get pretty scared of some irrational things.

Do I really believe all of the things I imagine? I sure as fuck hope not, but crazy shit does happen. I never thought I would end up in such a situation. Just thinking about it all is enough to make me want to cry right now. One can imagine what I was like when I actually did read that post.

Did I say that I read it over and over again? Just to make sure.. that’s what it said. It never changed, and stayed up for so long.

When I think about that – I wonder how she felt when she read my reply – it actually devastates me to think about it. Just recently I was thinking about this, in a, I know its not easy being her either, type way…

This is when I just wish that I could sleep.

So perhaps I should leave here

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on So perhaps I should leave here

The song must have started just as I got into the car to go to work, because it played nearly the whole way to work. I had found another song that I had heard a million times. but I had never listened.. Maybe because if had never meant a thing to me. There were a few lines that really stood out to me.. and I was convinced, once again, about the radio conspiracy.

At the time, I didn’t think there was a better song to explain how I felt. Then I had to come home on lunch and listen to one of my classic favorites. I stumbled across this lovely live version of “As Is” by Ani and the slight alterations made me smile, so here it is. At least she admits that she’s an asshole. Who am I to judge?

Giving away promises I know that I can’t keep

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

I’m feeling a bit down tonight. The more that I think, the worse that I get… I guess that’s where having a live-in friend is a good distraction.. She’s on her way back for all parties in interest. Right now I am filling my lungs with smoke and my ears with that music. I made it about 15 minutes into their Japan tour and realized that this music is not helping. It’s just reminding me that I have a terrible concept of music or people think I listen to bad music anyway. I like lyrics and well, I haven’t heard and that I understand yet, so it’s time to go back to the standard Ani Difranco, but that won’t help either.

I am about to start and I always tell my self that’s the reason I am missing her so much, somehow it happens every time. Maybe that’s just part of being a woman.. that is in love with another woman, and the rest of the story is irrelevant.

This is where most anyone else would stop me and say, “No, Jen.. the rest of the story is very relevant.” I suppose this is where I get irrational.. I’m like, “No we are just friends.” and that self control that I think I have flies right out the window. It’s not that I don’t have full psychical self control but that emotional self control is non existent.

Every other word circling in my head right now has been said time and time again. How did I end up feeling like this, in this situation.. and I am so certain that I am in the right..

Last night, in my dreams, we had a real conversation.. it wasn’t in the direction that I was expecting, or wanting. I convince myself that it is just my fears manifesting.. Over thinking tends to lead to such things. Sometimes I just want to stare into her eyes.. I feel like we could have a whole conversation without any words. I’m pretty sure that it would end up with her smiling and kissing me.. or maybe I am just slipping off into a day dream again. Actually, I’m certain that I have drifted that direction.

The truth be told – soon enough she will text me and want to hang out. It will be like nothing ever happened.. and I will be completely okay with that. Because my life is pretty fantastic anytime that she is around. My life is so confusing.

This is exactly why I gave up feelings so long ago. Now if I could only remember what it was like to not care about any damn thing right about now. It’s weird how that works.

Things that I am not even allowed to say….

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   Comments Off on Things that I am not even allowed to say….

I don’t even know who King Crimson is…

If I really wanted attention, I would just say that directly to her.. and she’d be like what the hell Jen…

No more computers for you.

…I get bored – and seek the information out for myself.

I just get surprised when the answers are so easy to find.