Today, I took it pretty personally when she walked to the back as I came in to get my pizza. Maybe that’s what happens when I look forward to something too much. My friend that was with me stands with the idea that she never even saw us and I can only hope that was true.
When my friends and I saw this online while looking at tattoos yesterday, they said that I need to get a chicken, bacon, mushroom one. What she doesn’t know is that I have never had that pizza from anywhere but there. I just made it up to be different and awesome and well, it got me noticed, or something, not like she didn’t already know me, but she knows my pizza. I have never been like this over a person. It could be fun if anything were different but this is just extremely depressing.
It’s not hard to see that I’m in so over my head but I don’t walk away easily.
At this moment in time, I am so disappointed in myself for not being able to stop these feelings.
I’m the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I’m the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I’m what’s left, I’m what’s right
I’m the enemy
I’m the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees
• byadmin • InFolk Rock, Music • Comments Off on we just don’t run this place
When I took a shower, I heard two lines in two different songs that I had never heard before. That will be the last line in each of the Ani songs that I post. The Adele song separated them. All just as insightful.
The last lines seemed to hit so hard tonight.
This song has some of my favorite lines in it, one being at the 2 minute mark. Music gets me though me day.
• byadmin • InMusic, Pop • Comments Off on It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Last night, I sent an email that stepped a little bit across those boundaries that I have been trying so hard to determine. I knew it, I even said it in my letter. I felt like I was going to regret it and even woke up the next morning feeling like I should regret it, but guess what, she replied.
I also woke up thinking about my ex, the previous one, I don’t really consider M my ex, because we never had a fair chance.. but anyway, T had some calendar thing last night, she’s basically a model and singer, and I woke up thinking about something that happened weekends ago involving seeing the guy that she left me for for the first time since it happened, over 6 years ago. I told her what happened and how well I handled it, and then I closed facebook and never waited to see her response. That’s tough. I’ll check it later after I am loaded with anxiety medicine and such.
When I heard “What It Takes” and it reminded me about how it used to remind me about T. It did make me think about M when I heard it yesterday but I know that I am just a confused mess. If T had not gotten married to someone that I trusted and respected, because I knew that she did.. I don’t know if I would have ever gotten over it all.
But what do I know, I was probably still a bit confused about T until I met M.. she was the only person that could ever put everything in the past through a different perspective. No one could imagine how immature I used to me. If I told anyone about some weird things that happened with a close guy friend recently, everyone’s jaw would drop.. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it and I haven’t told a soul about it yet. I started to last night but I have to softly edit it because I couldn’t even speak the words. These two ladies are magical and I know and can not even thank them enough for all that they do for me. I take a little more effort than most, but once in a while, people realize that I am worth it.
The internet has convinced me that I have aspergers but I am almost too afraid to find out, and if I do, I know it is subtle, I have made so much progress in my life and I don’t think most people know the half of it. Now that I think about it, I don’t think that there is one person besides myself that knows most of it at all. Many people know about separate difficulties but each person knows about different thinks. I wouldn’t tell anyone about the domestic violence that I have lived with my whole life, but some people know. I know think my dad knows not to talk about it, or maybe I am the wrong one, feeling like I should keep it a secret. T and M.. both know, at least the present and somewhat present stuff. I try not to talk about when I was little, people get this look on their face and that’s not what I am going for.
It’s hard to tell if this is really the best pizza that I have ever had or if it’s just because she made it. When I called in my order, I spoke to a guy, and as I hung up, I wondered, “Will she notice my pizza?” I know that I am such a nerd. My heart may have melted a little when she told me that she thought she recognized that pizza. I am pretty predictable… Actually, I had been fighting the temptation since my last pizza, on my birthday which was over a month ago – so I would say that I am doing well.
When I got in the car to go home, this song echoed through my heart.
I can’t say that I knew who Bette Davis was. Actually, I was thinking about Betty Page but none the less.. I liked it. I couldn’t have asked for a better lunch break, and she even said something that assured me that she does read my emails, even if she doesn’t reply. Oh, I love that about her..
