Music

Got to be true to myself

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock •   0

It’s been a while since I have posted anything. Tonight on the drive up to Austin, I heard this song and it took me back to the day that it has always reminded me about:

I wondered more than ever, what the words even meant. As I thought more and more about that day that she left me standing by my car as she left.. Then I thought.. “yeah and then I went all Melissa Etheridge on her.” It’s not something that I am specifically proud of, but I won’t deny it all the same. I started flipping through the radio stations when I ended up on one playing this song. I didn’t even have to change the station more than a few times.

The reason that I was in Austin, was for a concert. I saw Dashboard Confessional and 3rd Eye Blind. It was a good show. There was something missing and I was pretty sure that it was her.

Then on the way home, this song came on and I sang it until I lost my voice..

Tell me why it took thinking about her when I heard this song to make me realize that I may be a bit emotional today. I know that she is and I want to — make her smile.

It’s about that time.. when my dog wants me to come to bed.

And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?

• by admin • In Music, Pop •   0

Today is my grandmother’s 83rd birthday, so I took off of work. This whole situation with K helps me put things with M into perspective somehow. Yesterday, I decided that I am not really frustrated with the individuates involved but its more about the larger problem. Now I am battling social and feminist issues. I have always tried to keep my personal beliefs out of it, but it seems that you can not separate such things.

I’m just another soul for sale… oh, well

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

There was a time that I composed lengthy emails to M and I truly believed that they went unread. She has this sweet way of letting me know that is not the case. You would think that after the same thing happened time and time again, it would get easier. It doesn’t. It actually gets more frustrating every time that it happens. I cannot count the number of times that I have had to think, “I thought that we were over this” to myself.

On this Monday in history, I was lucky enough to combine the disaster that is my personal life with what was supposed to be a great day at work. When I am upset, there is no hiding it. I don’t mask my emotions well and every facial expression that I give will remind someone that I am not happy.

The gist of the situation was that just like with M, I met a new friend, I thought she was super cool and fun and faster than before – her jealous boyfriend put a stop to that. It’s the longest non story that could ever exist. The complexity of each situation makes it near impossible to explain why I take it so personally. My ethics — well — no one gives a shit that I am a good person, not to mention that I am far to shy to make the first move with anyone ever.

One of my friends that was trying to make me feel better about everything made me laugh by saying, “If any of these men knew just how innocent you were, none of them would even have a problem with any of it.”

I take it completely personally because I feel like once that they find out that I am a lesbian – it’s over. I had no idea that being a single lesbian was so difficult. Maybe it would be different if I had ever tried to “take someone’s girlfriend” or well done anything else wrong. I still can’t keep up with how I am supposed to know when some guys think its okay when their girlfriends mess around with other girls and others seem to have completely different ideas. I never understood that at all. The fact that I would have a near heart attack just imagining my lady with someone else keeps me from actually ever crossing that line. Life is so complicated and I am so lost. I would rather just never flirt with another girl again just to be able to have true, quality friends.

What hurts most is when you realize that your friends didn’t stand up for you to your boyfriend – I guess it’s just easier to let me take all of the blame since I am not there. It sure makes me look like a terrible person, but why would I care if I know the truth? This is still bullshit and I expected more out of each of them.