Music

They sang all the wrong words.

• by admin • In Folk, Music •   0
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Today, I was reminded that everything in life is going alright… as I watched my love walk away.  It was impossible to even think about the fact that I wouldn’t see her tomorrow.. or anytime soon.. I couldn’t take a moment to realize that would be the last hug she gave me for quite some time.  I feel like I stayed strong until after she left, even when I looked over and saw her friend driving.  The only way to get through that was to block all of that out and remind myself that she was going to see her family and spend time with all the people that she has been missing.  I reminded myself not to be selfish and as soon as she left, I started to cry, slow, soft tears.. in front of my dad and brother.  They knew that I was going outside to tell her goodbye and neither one said a thing.  It’s not the first time that my brother has seen me cry over her, mainly recently because she was leaving, but I don’t think that my father has ever seen me cry over any woman – so that happened.  She is currently riding across country on her next adventure in life and I am sitting here, writing about it and wishing that she could hold me.

Will you search through the lonely earth for me,

Climb through the briar and bramble.

I’ll be your treasure.

They sang all the wrong words.

I’m waiting for you

Today, I drove out to my sister’s house to see her kids.  The drive out there is about an hour so it gave me so much time to think.  Before this week, there was so much doubt in my mind.  Too many people had laughed at me, called me crazy amongst other things for believing in myself and my feelings.. After a while, I started to doubt myself.

Once I was on my way home, thinking about how everything worked out, I wondered.. what the hell did I wish on those falling stars.. you always have to be careful with those.  That’s mainly a joke but I do wish on shooting stars and I try to word my wishes perfectly.  Now, I really know better than to believe in things like that but I can’t help but entertain myself.

There was this time, when I heard ‘Rush Hour’ by Ani Difranco for the first time.  The star fell right out of the sky, straight down, in the direction of her house.  I watched in amazement because I was getting all emotional at the time over the song and I paused the music to make a wish.  This was so long ago, she was in CA or something seeing a concert in San Fransisco I think, but my wish was for her to be truly happy and for her to love me and all that stuff too.. I really couldn’t say exactly but I know that is how most of my wishes start out and go.  There was something about my long drive that made me think about that night and that this is probably just part of what she needs to be truly happy and that is the main thing that I care about.  As I got near my house, I looked at this guard rail near my street and remembered that I was specifically there when I saw that star.  I have no idea how I remember these things.  She means the world to me and I would do anything for her.

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music •   0

400_WithFriendsWeAreNeverAlone_1024x1024Today has been the longest day in a long time.  For some reason, I thought that it would be a little easier after she left, but it wasn’t.  When I say that it would be easier, I mean, as I waited, for 2 weeks, for the day that she would leave – I wanted to see her change her mind and stay.  It was a count down of when she would be gone and it was terrifying.  I thought that maybe that fear would be gone once I knew that she was on her way to start the next chapter of her life, but I missed her terribly all day.  She’s probably not even talk way there yet.  Around noon, she stopped by to give me a picture that she made for me and then she left.

As I typed those words about the picture, I was looking at it and saw there was this charm and seemed to open and once I opened it, there was a note inside.  It made me cry.. the sweetest tears.  I am quite sure that I will marry that lady once day.  This is the first time in my life that I ever thought that I would even consider marriage.   She won’t ever know, but I already went to my company’s website and looked at local listings.  I found a few nice once, it seems like there is a huge job market in her area for my work.

I am going to continue my day my going to tell my sister all about everything.   She has been a huge supporter through out everything.  That reminds me, in less than a week, this website will have been 2 years old.  It was started after she told me that we couldn’t talk anymore.

You’re so adventurous, I’m so very cautious

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   0

6d43953951009d57ba94751a7a07720fToday, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye.  As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.

They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.

This is what it thought that I should listen to:



…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..

I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.

Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Rock •   Comments Off on Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell

She broke my fuckin’ heart today. on Pi Day.

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As I sit here wondering which song I should listen to first, thinking about how I should take a shower so that I can breathe normally and contemplating the desire for my brother’s company.  He hasn’t seen me yet and he doesn’t know.  It’s almost guaranteed that he will say something insensitive and just piss me off anyway, but the distraction of his constant talking will help me avoid my constant thinking.  He is right, we are good for each other.

Its my fault that I feel like this right now, she tried to give me one more peaceful day, because she just might know that practically freak out like the  guy that leaves the lights on..

The first time that I watched that video, I emailed her about it.  Why am I such a weirdo?  When I cry over her, it always feels a little more real.. well, I don’t cry over things that aren’t real.. The way that I breathe out slowly and my chest shakes a little.. it always reminds me of the way that I feel about her, maybe there is a sense of trying so hard to understand the positive.

My dog has started to whine for this cold taco that probably sucks ass at this point.  I feel like I ordered it over an hour an a half ago.  back in the past.. ast.. ast.. ast..

There I was, sitting at Torchy’s Taco’s.  They were particularly busy on this spring break night.  She replied to my casual text telling me there was something that she needed to tell me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow.

Once we confirmed that one of my least tragic, worst fears were coming true, I tried to remain calm and not be bothered by such shocking news.  Since I have been crying for over an hour, slowly and quietly, I do not think that I am doing the best job at that.

My brother has since walked in the room and has started playing the bass behind me.  Like with everything, I will trust that this is for the best and then go forward the best that I can.  Does she know how much this is crushing me.  Is she moving back there with him?  This hurts worse than I thought it would.

When I was younger and devastated, I would listen to Sarah Mclachlan.

Her text felt something like this:

It’s just you and me on our island of hope

and I’ll look out the window..

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   Comments Off on and I’ll look out the window..

.. making jokes about the way things are

Can I be the first to say that I fall in love with her over and over again.  It’s been like this since the day that met her.  She wouldn’t want to know that I often refer to her as ‘the woman that I am in love with..’  The next few words is always, ‘Well, what’s the problem?”  That’s never fun to try to avoid.. time, life, people, love. you pick.  They usually laugh and ask if she has a boyfriend.  Sometimes I just say that I hope not.. I have a reputation of liking straight women.. if they only knew.. she just might love me too.

This is what YouTube did to me tonight:

Outta this mess..

• by admin • In Music, Riot grrrl •   Comments Off on Outta this mess..

..baby, outta my head

I did something stupid.  It all started when I met this woman at the Ani Difranco concert, the I happened to get a bass guitar for Christmas from my brother.  Very shortly there after she was looking for people in class where she teaches a group to learn 3 songs in 6 one hour sessions.  Of course, I signed up for it without my though or research.  Here are the 3 songs that I am supposed to know how to play, by memory in less that a week.  If you’re wondering, no I don’t practice.  I have decided that these songs are so bad to start with, I can completely mess up and no one will ever know.. I don’t like any of these songs.


If you ask me, they get progressively worse in the order that I have learned them. I am using the term, ‘learn’, very loosely here. These videos are actually really odd. The first one did not seem to have an official video to it so I chose a Buffy one for her.  I want to do something like that with a song and TV show or movie one day.

baby it’s cold outside

• by admin • In Music, Traditional Pop •   0

It’s been a while since I have written. I tried to make some changes after I turned 31 and moving on was going to be one of them. That didn’t go as planned, but I did start dressing nicer at work, which flowed over into my daily life, because I am not one to change my outfit multiple times a day.

Since I last wrote, I started talking to a friend’s friend – and the entire time, I was more concerned with what M was going that what she was. She could obviously tell, asking if i was going on a date when I would see her.. I don’t know what it was that I did, but I made it suspicious and nothing was even going on. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I have had vivid dreams about her for the last 2 nights.

The first dream was us messaging each other online – which was supposed to be gmail in my mind, but it clearly wasn’t. It was more of a cheap version of instant messaging like you see on older movies complete with the Mac noise for message received.

In that dream, I asked something like “Does he trust me yet?” and she replied with, “There is no he.” Typing dialogue has always seemed difficult for me, so I will apologize now for blatantly ignoring grammar rules in this paragraph. I know how it is supposed to be but in my blog, it’s like this. I then made a half ass joke about respecting any pro nouns that a human wishes to use.. and she laughed, said she needed that and followed it by ‘That’s not what I meant.’

As I read her last words, my nervousness about her, that I was sure had faded – came right back – full force. I was nervous, shy and didn’t know what to say all of a sudden. She does that to me. I have been working for years to convince myself that she is just my friend and will never be anything else.. the sheer opportunity in my dream left me speechless.

That is actually a dream that I had last Friday night, because I was thinking about it as I was drunk and riding in my friend’s car home from a party Saturday night. I decided to keep it to myself, because – well, besides the fact that I deem it inappropriate.. I share way too much information with her and that is one more thing that I need to work on in this 31st year of life..

The dream that I had last night, leaves me thinking that I thought about that dream way too much over the weekend:

The dream last night was less detailed or I can not recall it as well as I can the other one. The part that stands out most of my facial expression and reaction. I really don’t think that there was more to the dream than this..

I guess I should start with saying that I haven’t talked to M much this month and last night she messaged me asking me how I was feeling. I have been sick. Simple things like a message or email from her leaves my head in the clouds for hours at least.. so that happened..

and then I had a dream at some point last night.

She seemed to be meeting me somewhere and said, ‘I’m still not really supposed to see you.’ I looked at her concerningly and said, ‘Okay.’ I have no idea what the next few words were but somehow she said, ‘Yeah, my new boyfriend’s name is Lawrence and he’s just not big on the idea.’ You can only image how much my heart sunk. It was so fast that it hit the floor and shattered and I know that it was all over my face. That is all that I can remember.. really – all I know is that she had a new boyfriend named Lawrence – the rest of it, I haven’t a clue. It was enough to bring my world to a crashing halt, thus reminding me that just because I can ignore my feelings if I want to, it doesn’t make them any less meaningful or extreme, they come right back the minute that I stop actively trying to ignore them.