I did something stupid. It all started when I met this woman at the Ani Difranco concert, the I happened to get a bass guitar for Christmas from my brother. Very shortly there after she was looking for people in class where she teaches a group to learn 3 songs in 6 one hour sessions. Of course, I signed up for it without my though or research. Here are the 3 songs that I am supposed to know how to play, by memory in less that a week. If you’re wondering, no I don’t practice. I have decided that these songs are so bad to start with, I can completely mess up and no one will ever know.. I don’t like any of these songs.
If you ask me, they get progressively worse in the order that I have learned them. I am using the term, ‘learn’, very loosely here. These videos are actually really odd. The first one did not seem to have an official video to it so I chose a Buffy one for her. I want to do something like that with a song and TV show or movie one day.
It’s been a while since I have written. I tried to make some changes after I turned 31 and moving on was going to be one of them. That didn’t go as planned, but I did start dressing nicer at work, which flowed over into my daily life, because I am not one to change my outfit multiple times a day.
Since I last wrote, I started talking to a friend’s friend – and the entire time, I was more concerned with what M was going that what she was. She could obviously tell, asking if i was going on a date when I would see her.. I don’t know what it was that I did, but I made it suspicious and nothing was even going on. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I have had vivid dreams about her for the last 2 nights.
The first dream was us messaging each other online – which was supposed to be gmail in my mind, but it clearly wasn’t. It was more of a cheap version of instant messaging like you see on older movies complete with the Mac noise for message received.
In that dream, I asked something like “Does he trust me yet?” and she replied with, “There is no he.” Typing dialogue has always seemed difficult for me, so I will apologize now for blatantly ignoring grammar rules in this paragraph. I know how it is supposed to be but in my blog, it’s like this. I then made a half ass joke about respecting any pro nouns that a human wishes to use.. and she laughed, said she needed that and followed it by ‘That’s not what I meant.’
As I read her last words, my nervousness about her, that I was sure had faded – came right back – full force. I was nervous, shy and didn’t know what to say all of a sudden. She does that to me. I have been working for years to convince myself that she is just my friend and will never be anything else.. the sheer opportunity in my dream left me speechless.
That is actually a dream that I had last Friday night, because I was thinking about it as I was drunk and riding in my friend’s car home from a party Saturday night. I decided to keep it to myself, because – well, besides the fact that I deem it inappropriate.. I share way too much information with her and that is one more thing that I need to work on in this 31st year of life..
The dream that I had last night, leaves me thinking that I thought about that dream way too much over the weekend:
The dream last night was less detailed or I can not recall it as well as I can the other one. The part that stands out most of my facial expression and reaction. I really don’t think that there was more to the dream than this..
I guess I should start with saying that I haven’t talked to M much this month and last night she messaged me asking me how I was feeling. I have been sick. Simple things like a message or email from her leaves my head in the clouds for hours at least.. so that happened..
and then I had a dream at some point last night.
She seemed to be meeting me somewhere and said, ‘I’m still not really supposed to see you.’ I looked at her concerningly and said, ‘Okay.’ I have no idea what the next few words were but somehow she said, ‘Yeah, my new boyfriend’s name is Lawrence and he’s just not big on the idea.’ You can only image how much my heart sunk. It was so fast that it hit the floor and shattered and I know that it was all over my face. That is all that I can remember.. really – all I know is that she had a new boyfriend named Lawrence – the rest of it, I haven’t a clue. It was enough to bring my world to a crashing halt, thus reminding me that just because I can ignore my feelings if I want to, it doesn’t make them any less meaningful or extreme, they come right back the minute that I stop actively trying to ignore them.
There are too many lines that speak to me in this song. Today I had my 5 year anniversary at work. Next week will be my 31st anniversary in this world. It’s strange to notice that I still learn and grow every day.
A few nights ago, I had a dream that I haven’t told anyone about. It was almost like if I just didn’t talk about it. It would just go away. Somehow that approach to things never works as well as it sounds. There is a song that hear on the radio and each time I do.. i think about the dream. This is where I must add some explanation.
From what I can remember, my dream started like a pretty standard night for me. I was pulling up to my mailbox to check the mail on the way home. This night was unlike most, because it was much colder than normal. I was wearing a heavy leather jacket and I could feel the cold on my face as I leaned over my passenger side seat, which for me is more like climbing, and reached for the mail. As I stuck my hand towards the back of the mail box to reach something that had been pushed all the way back of my mail box, I glanced up to see someone looking at me as he walked by. My immediate reaction was to ask if he needed a ride, as it was someone I recognized.. and I did. It was not something that I gave a second thought or even had a chance to consider what the next few minutes could be like. He hesitantly accepted the offer.
I pulled up a little in front of my mail boxes and he got in my car and pointed in the direction that he was going. I nodded and turned the radio back up slightly. It felt like forever and I was burning up in my jacket. The drive felt pretty real as I acted as if I was following his directions.. but I knew exactly where he lived. I never said a word, tried my hardest to keep a straight face as I drove. Most of the time I used the cold and the exaggeration of how cold it was to mask my facial expressions. I wasn’t sure what he would see, but I knew that it would be something.
This was fresh on my mind today as I drove to the store to get dinner. The Sublime song came on again and I just drifted off into thinking about that dream, my thoughts and how I felt. My heart races, I was so nervous, and of what. There were moments when I thought that this is how people get murdered.. Then I realized that he probably had no clue at all. What surprised me the most – is that the emotions that I was trying so hard to hide were shame and guilt. What would have I said if I would have said something? As I pulled up to the store, I thought about a lot of things.
When I went inside… I could have sworn that I saw her. There in line – checking out. My heart stopped and I froze. I was never quite sure but I walked away… What would I say to her?
I have felt like crying for weeks. This isn’t helping any. In a few weeks I will be turning 31 and I have never felt older. My youngest brother would be turning 26 this year. He hasn’t even been gone but a few months and everything has started to fall apart. I often wonder what he would think if he could see us right now.. He would say.. ‘Damn, they really did care about me.’ It all has made me sick.
and for the song that wouldn’t stay out of my dreams and keeps taking me back to them…
In watching both videos, I am quite sure that I did not mention how the dream ended. I pulled up to her house, parked where I normally would and glanced at him as he thanked me. I was just trying my best at this point at hiding my feelings of despair, defeat and some things that I’m just not used to. I drove away, trying not to cry, as I had many times before.
Today, as I drove home from work on my lunch break, the radio took me back… the first song is one that I have always loved… Here’s a little Sheryl Crow.
If I thought that I was going to escape that thought process quickly.. I was wrong. I may have woken up thinking about her… but it wasn’t going to end there. The next song that came on was a song that I started dreading about a year ago, when I actually had heard the words. I feel like it was about this time last year. I know that I was headed to get my hair cut and I even remember where I parked on the square to allow the song to finish before I turned off my car to get out… now I hear the words intensely, as if someone was speaking to me.. or more like.. her. It’s a good way to make me feel inadequate quickly. I am sure that it has nothing to do with what she meant the song to be about.. but it sounds quite clear to me.
Honestly, it hurts a little, every time that I hear the song..
You would think that I would stop listening to it. As I listen to it too many times and watch the words play above.. makes me realize – that we are all 3 so similar in personality, that it seems caddy but its really just this whole ball of tension that I will never be able to understand or explain. This song gets to me about as much as the Gotye song. and the last line. the last line always makes my stomach sink and picture what my own custom video would like look in that song. he would be singing the entire song. im not even phased that its a female singer – someone. i always see her face at the end, saying that all miley cirus wrecking ball style.. i should go watch that and cry.. i am so much more emotional that most people know. i feel like we all struggle with sexuality and gender in some way. i never really thought that about him but i know that growing up he was smaller than most of the guys and he’s not that tall now.. i dont know how being a guy works.. i avoid them most of the time. life has beome so complicated that i dont even know anymore. i just see patterns and try to come up with a reason. there is no reason or solution, just continue to do what youre supposed to be doing and everything will work out. it may be the biggest lie that i have ever told myself, but only time can tell.
Nearly two decades ago, our grandparents bought my brother, cousin and I the cassette tape of our choice. My cousin has Brooks and Dunn, Brian had the tape with “Jukebox Junkie” on it.. a one hit wonder, so I would have to look that one up and I had Collin Raye “I Think About You.” The thing about cassette tapes was that, you listened to the whole thing, so I knew every song on that tape.
Today as I thought about my late little brother.. Stephen… I think that’s what people say.. I start to cry. As I type and consider my sentence structure.. I can’t help but appreciate everything that, my absolute favorite teacher, Ms. Couch taught me.. It’s been a rough few months..
I was half way through work on Friday when I read the news about Ms. Couch’s passing.. Her daughter posted a message on her facebook. I read it during my lunch break. Brian was right next to me and saw my facial expression drop and tears come to my eyes. I turned to him and told him that Ms. Couch had died. He knew her.. he knew what she meant to me.. and he is the only person that knows what a difficult life I have lived..
There has been a few women that I have opened up to in my life. Most of them, ladies that I have dated.. a select few. Months ago, I did something stupid and pissed M off. She said something mean over email that made me cry instantly. This could have been a year ago – it feels like it has been some time. I had just finished season one of “Alphas” and was quite convinced that I could has Asperger syndrome and I decided to tell her. She was quick to say something sweet, which calmed me down quickly.. but I don’t really have many people like that in my life anymore. I have found ways to push most everyone away. It scares me to notice. I isolated myself for a while after T left but I had some good friends that didn’t let that happen. There has been so many people that have helped me grow up despite my obvious challenges.
That day, that M made me cry, I messaged T and told her what was going on, generically, I respect M’s privacy and try my hardest not to talk about her. That day I told her that I thought that I might have Asperger syndrome and she calmed me down by saying sweet things too. She convinced me that I have just been dealt a very difficult hand and that I have done the best that I can do handle everything that is thrown at me. She assured me that I was a unique and strong individual that just faces many more obstacles than most. I have no idea how all of this is connected, but I know that it is.
There are three songs that I will list here. The first one is my initial inspiration for writing today. The second verse made me cry. They are all very eye opening. The second one has always made me cry. I haven’t listened to it today but for some reason I am going to make myself. That country song “Holes in the Floor of Heaven” isn’t a song that I can handle either. It’s hard to imagine that I lost my grandfather nearly half of my life ago – it reminds me about how much time does not help.. any.
The third song uses genders that are not fitting to my fantasy world – but then again – neither does anything else, so I will dream and imagine a life where I have everything that everyone else does and that is in the least selfish way possible. There is something about being hopelessly sad that makes you wish that you had a loving girlfriend to hold you and touch your hair as you cry – much like that feeling I get when I am super sick. How does one day, I just need you to be sweet to me in the most platonic way possible. I am sorry that I am in love with you. I will put it all on pause, just hold me.
the youtube reminded me of a few more videos that i had to watch. would you know that I cried like a baby the whole time. I won’t be revisiting those videos options. The last song made me smile so much when I thought about how we met on this corner outside my house because she walked over. My heart did begin to rush the minute that I saw her. We went to IHOP.. I am pretty sure that I ate stuffed french toast.. strawberry.
being in love is rough… especially when.. why is life like this?
When I listen to the last song – the pronouns start to bother me. that same feeling that I get from the last words in “Rumor Has It.”
