As we get uncomfortably close to one year since we have spoke..
I didn’t think the foreseeable future would be this long…
Time stands still
Music
Bob FM Introduced me to this
Just the other day, this song came on and read my mind
What’s He Doing in My World?
I went to another baby shower for another cousin. As I put my records away, trying to figure out which way should be up, I decide to send an email. While composing that email, I remember inviting her to my other cousin’s baby shower. She gave me the realest answer, which is all I ever wanted. She was too shy in a way and baby showers weren’t really her thing.. I wanted to remind her that they weren’t really my thing either – but I knew how my family would react if a brought a female guest, so I understood and went alone.
The last record that I put on the shelf before I sent the email was The Magic of Eddie Arnold. My grandma used to play his tapes in the car when we went on long road trips. He might be the most famous for “Cattle Call” but my favorite songs are below. Sometimes I wonder how M and T feel about the woman in my life.. I am sure they could care less, but what if I am wrong?
I’ve been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions
As I walked into my favorite Stripes, I saw there men crowded around this awesome old black Mustang. They were paying as I was using the ATM so I complimented them on the car. Turns out, it was the cashier’s car.. he is a nice guy, we all bonded over cars for a few minutes and it was a great moment and then I proceeded on with my day and came across this mix.
I was leaving the neighborhood as Santeria came on, and I played it way too loud and I passed her street..
And then Terrible Lie came on so I had to take a detour through the old neighborhood where we used to walk. That was be blasting 90s music from the minivan next to the elementary school today.
Then 99.5 thought that I needed a little Staind in my life after that.
Purely for camedic value, they through in Dirty Deeds..
I reached by destination by the time that Forty Six and two was ending. It felt powerful but no one would understand.
Opportunity Cost.
I have been an emotional mess lately but I think that I have also held it all together pretty well. It’s almost a shame that there is a pill for that.. well, at least a combination of pills, but I feel like it would be possible to do it without pills but I don’t know how to get the motivation and disciple that it takes so instead, I take pills, which take a level of disciple itself. It will be 4 years since I started this site next month. First, she told me that we couldn’t talk or see each other again and then a combination of a few calls and my supervisor at the time’s abrasive coaching method, lead me to walk out, schedule an appointment with my doctor and tell her that I needed to get back on my medicine. Since then she has added to it and on most days, I am just fine – but other days, even if I can stop the mental side of the anxiety, I still feel the physical affects and it lasts for days.
Today, I am struggling at work. There is someone that I really want to talk to and just walk with, but I can’t and that’s even more frusterating. Yesterday, I ended up getting stuck in Spring Break traffic on the way back from picking up a kid 300 miles away and nearly lost it. Some may claim I did lose it but I feel like that is all relative and the only witnesses are not the most credible for different reasons. The non verbal one has plenty of limitations but the other two, can’t share an unbiased opinion not to mention, one is eight years old. My free time has expired, so this will continue at a later date.
I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me
How can I forget you girl?
I thought I knew you…
Today, on my way to work, right before I arrived, Gwen Stefani graced my speakers with a long lost song – Sunday Morning. I jammed out as if I was still in 7th grade, though I was driving. The first 2 CDs that I ever owned were, No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom and Jewel’s Pieces of You. If you remember anything about CDs or I guess any album, is that sometimes.. most of the songs suck, so I didn’t listen to the Jewel CD in full very many times, but Tragic Kingdom is one of my all time favorites.
The more that I listened to the words, the more that I knew that I had to post it here. Eventually I started questioning a few lyrics, like.. what the hell does, “You’re trying my shoes on for a change…” mean, but I got past it and was left with a few lingering thoughts that were luckily lost until now because of the hustle and bustle at work. The more the song plays past that line, I realize that it actually has nothing to do with how I feel but there are a few lines that leave me reflecting.
Gwen didn’t always get my feelings right but she sure does have a pretty voice and I could listen to these songs forever. As I was making this S curve near the rail road tracks, I thought.. what if I didn’t ask to see her that day, she wouldn’t have messaged me saying that she couldn’t see to talk to me anymore, again.
It’s been over 6 months and though I am lucky enough to have forgotten how long the longest has been in the past, but if anyone is concerned about her dedication and follow through, it was quite impressive and speaks loudly for her character. I may be paranoid, but I often worry,but that gets more complicated than I can articulate.
I left work early to go get the new plates for my vehicle. It’s probably time that I get to that.
I would listen to that album on repeat in 1996 on a Discman that my grandparents bought me. We were so cool and could skip songs if we wanted to. The sony headphones that came with it were awful. They were the type with the foam that I am quite sure are no longer in production.
What have I become my sweetest friend.
doday, 101 X reminded me that Johnny Cash could put Trent Reznor in his place any day. This is only a compliment, I love Nine Inch Nails and I have a lot of respect for it all, when I was in high school, I didn’t understand and I was offended that a country singer would attempt a Nine Inch Nails song. A decade later, I hear it on the radio and it says something new that I have never heard before. I never thought that I would be the liar.
I must just be emotional today because the next song was Oasis’s Champagne Supernova which is another song that I have hear thousands of times, but it also seemed to send a message. Every day I feel like I learn something new about emotions. I wonder if I will ever understand.
Back in high school, I wasn’t really aware that Johnny Cash was a bad ass. I grew up in the country and despised much of the culture. It didn’t help that society had perpetuated that.
