I woke up and started crying within 20 minutes. Today seems extra sensitive. I took a walk to clear my mind and just cried more. She is such a big part of my life and i miss her so much. Today, i am less tough.
Feels like reckless driving when we’re talking
It’s fun while it lasts, and it’s faster than walking
But no one’s going to sympathize when we crash
They’ll say “you hit what you head for, you get what you ask”
and we’ll say we didn’t know, we didn’t even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky
The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed. Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life. That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation. It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday. In my opinion, I handled it very well. That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well. The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up. I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.
In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it. With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life. In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years. Since then, I have been promoted at work. I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with. I feel that way anyway. It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.
When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left. I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to. My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way. I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things. My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why. Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic. There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel. They see my face when I talk to her. My attempt to smile as she leaves. It’s nice when someone actually understands you. It seems to be so rare lately.
While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:
These are not songs that I willingly listened to, but sometimes my rock star brother sets my play list for the day without any input from myself. I thought that we were going to play some Jimmy Buffett but now I am listening to 38 Special coming from the living room in the tune of my brother. He sounds better than the originals, don’t get me wrong, but I would choose something else – and then it made me thing.
For the first time, I heard every word. These are songs that he sings daily. Now I just wanted to be in her arms and know that – know that something. I’m pretty sure that my heart beats a little differently when I think about it too much.
Today, I was reminded that everything in life is going alright… as I watched my love walk away. It was impossible to even think about the fact that I wouldn’t see her tomorrow.. or anytime soon.. I couldn’t take a moment to realize that would be the last hug she gave me for quite some time. I feel like I stayed strong until after she left, even when I looked over and saw her friend driving. The only way to get through that was to block all of that out and remind myself that she was going to see her family and spend time with all the people that she has been missing. I reminded myself not to be selfish and as soon as she left, I started to cry, slow, soft tears.. in front of my dad and brother. They knew that I was going outside to tell her goodbye and neither one said a thing. It’s not the first time that my brother has seen me cry over her, mainly recently because she was leaving, but I don’t think that my father has ever seen me cry over any woman – so that happened. She is currently riding across country on her next adventure in life and I am sitting here, writing about it and wishing that she could hold me.
Will you search through the lonely earth for me,
Climb through the briar and bramble.
I’ll be your treasure.
They sang all the wrong words.
I’m waiting for you
Today, I drove out to my sister’s house to see her kids. The drive out there is about an hour so it gave me so much time to think. Before this week, there was so much doubt in my mind. Too many people had laughed at me, called me crazy amongst other things for believing in myself and my feelings.. After a while, I started to doubt myself.
Once I was on my way home, thinking about how everything worked out, I wondered.. what the hell did I wish on those falling stars.. you always have to be careful with those. That’s mainly a joke but I do wish on shooting stars and I try to word my wishes perfectly. Now, I really know better than to believe in things like that but I can’t help but entertain myself.
There was this time, when I heard ‘Rush Hour’ by Ani Difranco for the first time. The star fell right out of the sky, straight down, in the direction of her house. I watched in amazement because I was getting all emotional at the time over the song and I paused the music to make a wish. This was so long ago, she was in CA or something seeing a concert in San Fransisco I think, but my wish was for her to be truly happy and for her to love me and all that stuff too.. I really couldn’t say exactly but I know that is how most of my wishes start out and go. There was something about my long drive that made me think about that night and that this is probably just part of what she needs to be truly happy and that is the main thing that I care about. As I got near my house, I looked at this guard rail near my street and remembered that I was specifically there when I saw that star. I have no idea how I remember these things. She means the world to me and I would do anything for her.
Today has been the longest day in a long time. For some reason, I thought that it would be a little easier after she left, but it wasn’t. When I say that it would be easier, I mean, as I waited, for 2 weeks, for the day that she would leave – I wanted to see her change her mind and stay. It was a count down of when she would be gone and it was terrifying. I thought that maybe that fear would be gone once I knew that she was on her way to start the next chapter of her life, but I missed her terribly all day. She’s probably not even talk way there yet. Around noon, she stopped by to give me a picture that she made for me and then she left.
As I typed those words about the picture, I was looking at it and saw there was this charm and seemed to open and once I opened it, there was a note inside. It made me cry.. the sweetest tears. I am quite sure that I will marry that lady once day. This is the first time in my life that I ever thought that I would even consider marriage. She won’t ever know, but I already went to my company’s website and looked at local listings. I found a few nice once, it seems like there is a huge job market in her area for my work.
I am going to continue my day my going to tell my sister all about everything. She has been a huge supporter through out everything. That reminds me, in less than a week, this website will have been 2 years old. It was started after she told me that we couldn’t talk anymore.
Today, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye. As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.
They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.
This is what it thought that I should listen to:
…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..
I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.
As I sit here wondering which song I should listen to first, thinking about how I should take a shower so that I can breathe normally and contemplating the desire for my brother’s company. He hasn’t seen me yet and he doesn’t know. It’s almost guaranteed that he will say something insensitive and just piss me off anyway, but the distraction of his constant talking will help me avoid my constant thinking. He is right, we are good for each other.
Its my fault that I feel like this right now, she tried to give me one more peaceful day, because she just might know that practically freak out like the guy that leaves the lights on..
The first time that I watched that video, I emailed her about it. Why am I such a weirdo? When I cry over her, it always feels a little more real.. well, I don’t cry over things that aren’t real.. The way that I breathe out slowly and my chest shakes a little.. it always reminds me of the way that I feel about her, maybe there is a sense of trying so hard to understand the positive.
My dog has started to whine for this cold taco that probably sucks ass at this point. I feel like I ordered it over an hour an a half ago. back in the past.. ast.. ast.. ast..
There I was, sitting at Torchy’s Taco’s. They were particularly busy on this spring break night. She replied to my casual text telling me there was something that she needed to tell me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow.
Once we confirmed that one of my least tragic, worst fears were coming true, I tried to remain calm and not be bothered by such shocking news. Since I have been crying for over an hour, slowly and quietly, I do not think that I am doing the best job at that.
My brother has since walked in the room and has started playing the bass behind me. Like with everything, I will trust that this is for the best and then go forward the best that I can. Does she know how much this is crushing me. Is she moving back there with him? This hurts worse than I thought it would.
When I was younger and devastated, I would listen to Sarah Mclachlan.
Can I be the first to say that I fall in love with her over and over again. It’s been like this since the day that met her. She wouldn’t want to know that I often refer to her as ‘the woman that I am in love with..’ The next few words is always, ‘Well, what’s the problem?” That’s never fun to try to avoid.. time, life, people, love. you pick. They usually laugh and ask if she has a boyfriend. Sometimes I just say that I hope not.. I have a reputation of liking straight women.. if they only knew.. she just might love me too.
