Music

Oh my life is changing everyday

• by admin • In Country, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop, Pop Rock, Rap Rock, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.

I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.

Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.

When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.

The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.

Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.

Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life.

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

Every day of the thirteen days that I have been at home after getting laid off have really worn on me.  The other extenuating circumstances have not helped any.  What has helped is hearing from people that truly care.  I wish that I didn’t need a reminder, but it makes a big difference.  I have never been one to seek attention, but it seems that I appreciate it a lot more than I realize.

After not receiving my unemployment card and feeling like I have waited forever for my severance check, I decided to check on it.  The HR lady assured me that I would get paid this Friday with everyone else’s pay check so that helps me not have to worry about when I will see my next dollar.  It has been a hard lesson to learn that I accidentally get comfortable and I often take things for granted without meaning to. I thought that I was reminded of this when I went to Guatemala and couldn’t drink the water.

I’m finished making sense

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Rock, Words •   0

I have been doing a awful job at controlling my emotions today.  Just now, I got in a fight with Jeremy, deleted his number and blocked him on facebook per his request.  He has been asking me to come help him clean out his garage since I lost my job.  I don’t think he understands that I am usually either sleeping, talking my brother off a ledge, taking care of kids, or applying for jobs.  Today, will be the first day that I do something that I want to do and I am completely nervous, because I know that I should be completely mortified.  As I wrote it, I didn’t think anyone would take time to care to look. I know that in my darkest moments, I begged for her attention, and its not something I am proud of.

So – Jeremy wanted me to come over to help him move things out of his garage.  I am not his only friend, mind you.   While I was up from taking the 4 year old to school, I texted him asking if 10 AM was good.  I set an alarm and when it went off, he hadn’t replied so I went back to sleep.  He sent a message that said how about 11:30 that I read at 11:30, I replied telling him I was going to take a shower and then come by.  I called him because he didn’t reply.  He had called our mutual friend looking for me, which is creepy too because she lives in Kyle and I rarely see her – but she told him that I had plans to go to lunch later so somehow that made him think I was calling him to blow him off.  My plans weren’t for another hour and a half and he wanted me to help him move a few couches, so I can’t imagine how they are related in the least.

When I called him, he interrupted what I was saying and says in his diva tone, “Hana told me that you made other plans to go eat, Matt is here, don’t worry about it.”  Since I had been trying to contact him about coming over to help all day, I was extremely offended, so I said, “No I don’t have lunch plans, I was calling to come over and help you but fuck it.” and hung up on him.  Apparently he didn’t like that very much because he texted me and told me to lose his number because he didn’t deserve that treatment.  Now – that is debatable.  This is a guy that fights over my time more than any man has before.  We fought a week or two ago because I hurt his feelings by not hanging out enough. I explained to him that he is the only person’s house I go to at all.  The last thing I need is more controlling people in my life.

I have been fighting the good fight

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music •   0

This morning, my dog woke me up, I noticed my phone was glowing so I went to look at it. I had 6 missed called and 2 missed facebook calls. It was 7:00 AM.

She takes all of my money and when I am out, she goes and gets some from her grandma. I asked for some because she was spending it frivolously and I didn’t have any. That started a fight.

I was lured over to her house, next door, because she went to Wendy’s and said that she brought me some. I like to feel special, so I went to eat it, but I think it was a trap to put her 4 year old to bed. I struggled with the child and eventually asked her if she wanted me to take her to school in the morning. She agreed, became complacent and went to sleep.

Fast forward to this morning, my ex sure remembered that and expected it. Since we fought, I turned my ringer off. When I finally went over there to take the kid to school, she wasn’t even awake. If she was insisting I take her, that’s one thing, but this is just complete laziness.

On the bright side, I have plans today. However, I am nervous, like always. On my drive back from dropping of the kid, I hopped that she was not mad at me. I feel like she has every right to be. I’ve never really had someone like this in my life.

When I started this site, I needed some way to express myself. It was the first time that she said that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I was stuck alone, in my head.  I used to be a slightly popular blogger on this site, JournalSpace.com but there was some hack and the site was deleted – so that was that.  I am sure that lead to my decision to start a site to write to myself so that I would quit emailing her.   At the time, at some point, I told her about the site but no one ever visited it and I didn’t really think anyone ever would.  I made it through an entire relationship with someone that was extremely controlling and in my business and somehow she never saw it.

If I couldn’t stop thinking, I would come here and write.  When there was a song circling in my head, I would come post it here.   I have made slight changes to it over the years but it has served the purpose of giving myself somewhere to express my feelings.   I don’t have many people that I really talk to anymore.  Small talk – sure, but real discussions, no.  Currently the only conversations that people have with me is – how is the job search? – and well, I am done answering that one.  I hate that I get so stuck on ideas or just the fact that I can’t leave people alone.  I know that my inbox would prove that – or my sent box anyway.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I am glad that I have people that love me, because I really need it right now.

Never opened myself this way

• by admin • In Indie Rock, Music, Pop, Rock •   Comments Off on Never opened myself this way

It took a lot to remain calm after the way my ex was talking to me today. She thinks that is it okay to call me asking me to help get her kids ready for school, only to complain about how I am doing. We are working on separating our things, including the phone bill, but in between, its a constant struggle to remain polite without being taken advantage of. I love seeing the kids and spending time with them but I want it on my own terms, not to benefit her.

There was plenty of crying and raising voices today, just like any other day. The four year old has started saying that mommy was loud and Jen cries. It’s sad.

Everything changed when I opened my IG this evening. I saw a red dot and didn’t know what it means, so I clicked it. It was only the best surprise and the last thing I expected.

Now I am holding my breathe until 2 PM tomorrow and smiling more than I have all year.

This song doesn’t have much relevance to much. At some point when I was trying to cheer myself up, I remembered a burned CD that I found in a computer at work back at TNI. I was pretty sad at the time and decided to listen to it to see what it was. It was some Coconut Records album. It was the first time and possibly only time I had heard of them – but I like the way it makes me feel. When I think of the West Coast, I think about when She landed in San Francisco and called me.  I may never forget that and can’t wait to see her tomorrow.  I might even sleep tonight to celebrate.  There is a part of me that wondered if I would ever hear from her again.

The Internet played this song a few minutes later and it is one of my favorite covers.

I wouldn’t mind visiting Lake Tahoe either, and this cover is pretty great too.

I saw Staind in concert with Sevendust and Marilyn Manson on Halloween of probably 2004. Was an interesting show. I missed Sevendust due to never driving on a 6 lane highway before. It was intense, in Dallas.

It’s tearing me apart

• by admin • In Medical, Movies, Music, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on It’s tearing me apart

Tonight, I am up, watching my ex’s kid while she goes out with the new girl.  It was in the last year that I was diagnosed with PTSD, but it is also the first time I ever went to a psychiatrist.  I had my last appointment with him on Thursday.  He changed my medication from Lexapro to Zoloft.  Tonight, as I am reading about PTSD, I see that Zoloft is one of the four prescribed for it, so I can only hope that it helps.

Since I woke up this morning in a panic when Maddison came home at 6:11 AM from said girls house, I helped my brother by listening to him breakdown for a few hours and I can only assume that he is in there sleeping now.  I haven’t seen him in house.  I slept until about 4 PM and then eventually I went to dinner with Maddison, where she didn’t eat her food.  I spent my last $60 cash at Olive Garden and she bitched the whole time.  She wouldn’t hang out with me once we got back and then asked me to watch her kid so she can go out with this girl for a second night in a row.

She thinks I am being ridiculous and another word I can’t recall right now because I have turned my phone off.  I have cried so much in 2019, it is embarrassing.  There is this hysterical cry that I get into that makes my teeth feel numb from all of the air going across them – it was like that.  I don’t even understand why I care so much. I don’t know why it hurts so bad or why I feel so worthless all over again.

This morning when I was getting tacos and I started thinking about the fact that I couldn’t have been awake since 5:30 and that I must have been dreaming, I wanted to figure out how I woke up so awake and why I started crying so hysterically.  We watched “But I’m a Cheerleader” last night and they were talking about their root that made them gay. The movie is complete satire and I really want my hair like Clea DuVall all over again now, but anyway, it made me start to think about why I react the way that I do and trying to figure out what my triggers are.  I realized that I freak the fuck out anytime I go to bed while my partner, or in this case, ex partner is not home.  If I wake up in the middle of the night and they are not there, the reaction is both physical and mental in an extreme way.  I instantly imagine every possible, horrible situation.  The first time I really remember it happening is when Teal would go out with her co workers from Salt Grass and I would stay at home waiting for her to get home.  Once in a while I would fall asleep, and that was always worse.  I haven’t really had that many serious relationships, so besides Maddison staying out at the new girls house at all hours of the night, I don’t think that I have really had to deal with it too many other times.

When I try to figure out why this would happen, I keep going back to a memory that I can not even remember on my own.  Is it possible that a memory that you can’t even remember could cause awful PTSD issues?  I am sure there are more than one reason, many that are related but I’d imagine it all goes back to this one night, a night I have heard about my entire life.  It’s crazy how things like that can stick with you.  I can’t say the story is ever told in detail but it has come up several times in my lifetime.  It probably started with my mom hanging out with her work friends and partying.  I feel like she worked at a tool delivery company.  I don’t even really know what that means and one night she stayed out real late.  My dad couldn’t sleep and I was a young baby.  He slept on that couch waiting for her to come home and she never did.  That is probably the beginning of the end and may have a greater impact on my life than I had ever imagined.

I cried profusely when she made me take  her baby so she could go out with someone else.  I pro-actively went by a friends house to get enough green to last me though the long night ahead.  She texted me asking me if I knew where her black bra was, because I had helped her with her laundry.  That was twisting the knife that she had already stabbed in my back.  She lives next door to me.  I adore her children but I need to find a way to get away from her.  She manipulates me to the point that I am driving myself insane.  The psychiatrist asked me if I had any friends.  I felt like that was an embarrassing question, of course I have friends, tons.  The truth is, when I think about it, I know a lot of people.  A lot of people were sad that I got let go, but how many of them have come to visit or even messaged regularly?  She ran off most of my friends in the two and a half years that I was with her.  I don’t even feel like I like her as a person.  She doesn’t impress me and she constantly uses and hurts me – so why am I so worried about losing her in my life.

Promises of what I seemed to be

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Indie Rock, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on Promises of what I seemed to be

I’m not even sure why, but I agreed to stay with the kids while she went up to see her new girl again.  This time I didn’t freak out like I usually do, until she got home.  The only thing that I can imagine is that I must have had a dream between 5:30 AM when my alarm accidentally went of and when she got home at 6:11 because when the Alexa went off and said she was home, it woke me up. I felt like I have been up for hours.  When she walked in the door I asked her to bring me a drink.  I proceeded to cry hysterically and I didn’t even know why.  I was panicking and crying, telling her that I thought she was going to come home and hold me.  I explained that I thought that I was going to wake up in her arms and that she promised me she would be home in time to get her kids to school.

I left because my brother had sent me some strange messages. I got home and he was having his own breakdown.  He kept getting really mad at me and yelling at me like she does.  He said I didn’t care and I didn’t understand when I asked him if he would put the meth pipe away.  He continued to rant about how he could die at any minute and I needed to get a pen and paper to write some things down.  I couldn’t find one fast enough for him so he started telling me the same story that he has told me since it happened, nearly 2 years ago.

The only thing that was different this time, is that the girl that essentially sexually assaulted him as he slept in her bed, asked him what he was doing there after she did it.  She clearly thought he was someone else, that had been drinking.  I remember how mortified I was when someone accused me of saying in appropriate things to her at work and they were just words and she completely made the thing up.  With him, something physically actally happened.  I feel like she is gaslighting him making him feel like he did something wrong and it is tearing him up to the point where he will live in my house rent free as I am struggling mentally, emotionally and financially and smoke meth in my house without hiding it.  I never saw this coming.

I tried to talk to my psychiatrist about all of the problems that I am having. I explained my excessive and uncontrollable anger.  I told him about depressed I have been.  I told him about my excessive spending and increased sex drive.  He said it was all situational and anyone would have the problems that I am having right now.  It felt like when my ex, T, would tell me that I am not autistic and that I was just dealt a really hard hand in life.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I can’t change the family I was born into or the problems that they have but I keep doing my best to try to be strong and face everything head on.

What happened this morning must be part of having PTSD.  I have been trying to do some research, because it was a very strange occurrence.  At the time, I was quite sure that I had been laying there in bed awake since 5:30 when the alarm had gone off.  After I was with my brother and he was breaking down, I got away by saying I needed to go pick up my medication and get some tacos for us to eat.  As I was walking into the gas station, I remembered being startled awake by the Alexa.  If I was startled awake then there is no way that I was not sleeping at that point.  It all seems so blurry even though it was only this morning.  Maddison kept asking me why I was crying and I couldn’t even tell her why.  I have tried to explain to her that I would have the same issues with Teal when she would stay out with her friends late after working at Salt Grass.  I would cause the biggest scenes and I was completely un-medicated then.

This is what my PTSD looks like