Music

Wait by the light of the moon

• by admin • In Folk Rock •   0

It would be great if I wasn’t the most awkward person ever.

I have only been awake for a few hours and today has been quite interesting.   For self preservation reasons, I turned my ringer and all volume off so that I could enjoy my last few days of not having a job.  Around 2 pm she comes calling my name at my window.. she’s not who I wanted to come to my window.  It was the neighbor / ex saying she has been trying to call me.  She asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her.

As I was in the restroom, the 4 year old came banging on my front door.  My brother started yelling because he thinks she takes complete advantage of me and he’s tired of it.  I didn’t have a shirt on and I was on the toilet, so I yelled to Harley to let her in.   I don’t think that she delivered the message that she came to deliver due to all of that excitement.

Moments before this – her mom was chasing the cat that had gotten out and fell.  Apparently she couldn’t get up on her own.  She gets a bit dramatic but what do I know.  I called to complain about her sending her kid to my house and she was screaming in pain so I ran over there.  I questioned if it was to get attention because she knows where I went yesterday and she has acted a bit jealous but why would I care.  I am clear that she is just my friend but she teases and – well, knows me.

I helped her get up and calm down and then we went to go get food after her oldest got off of the bus.  He wanted to go to Olive Garden, so I have to have an economics lesson with him. He started to throw a fit so I threatened to never go to Olive Garden again.  Damn I am such a mean non parent. I offered up Chuy’s and then Maddie suggested Blaze Pizza.  Since the 8 year old was throwing a fit, I asked the 4 year old where she wanted to go.  We ended up going to Blaze.   I parked across from the steps and she claimed I was trying to kill her because the walk was an extra 100 ft, so she pointed out an empty spot in front.

I don’t know how the world does these things happen to me, but it was pretty much like when my friend’s friend wanted to wait for the shuttle bus at the NIN concert and made me wait there forever just to turn around at the wrong time.

I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking about or what we we were talking about, but I can tell you that I looked up – saw her smiling at me and panicked.. just a little.  Of course, I felt the need to yell out, “Omg That’s M and her boyfriend…” you know, because that is the mature, adult thing to do.  Then I proceeded to try to get the kid out and act like I didn’t know them, though that felt rude as hell, I thought it was the correct thing to do.  The kid had conveniently taken her shoes off and I couldn’t function to save my life.  Trying to get those toddler shoes on seemed to take forever.  Then I realized I was standing in their way, but it was way too late to fix that.  I could only hope that she was giggling to herself and slightly amused.

Then of course, I get lost in my own thoughts.  We walk inside and Maddie is asking me a million questions like, “do you want to split a pizza.  What do you want on your pizza?”  The kids think the railing is a monkey bar and that drives me fucking nuts.  I’m over here like, ‘oh shit, she saw me with my ex – I hope she doesn’t think anything crazy..’ like anyone would ever care what I do, but I like to think so.  I through our a few answers.   She laughed at me and said I was dumb.. but I knew that and totally agreed at that moment.  The worst part was feeling like I shouldn’t say hi to my favorite person in the world.  No one taught me how to react in that situation.

We ate lunch.  She kept talking about it and asking me questions and making snide remarks that I just ignored.

I feel like it went something like: So that’s M.  Exchanged comments about thinking she was on my FB as I explained she didn’t have one as far as I knew.  Maybe she had seen it in the past but I never gave her the satisfaction of confirming that.  She asked why I was so hung up with her.  I said I didn’t know, maybe I was supposed to say I am not.  I followed that by saying she is just a really good friend and I enjoy spending time with her because she isn’t like most people I know.  She just looked at me weird.

She’s like my mom in the way that she will use anything that she has ever heard against you in the right moment.  She was acting nice in this conversation, but I knew she was using it to insult me.  By the way she was talking, I could tell that she.. I don’t even know, thought there was a lot more going on that there is.  I guess she doesn’t believe that I can actually just have close friends.  Or maybe she knows that I can’t help but smile when I think about her…

I am quite framiliar with feeling embarrassed when it comes to her, but why did I have to drive up that very second.  I am glad that we saw each other yesterday and that she smiled at me – because I am just so weird.  I don’t act this way around anyone else.

But I don’t need the same

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk Rock, Music, Pop Rock, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

When I was watching the news today, I saw coverage on a fatal shooting that happened out in Hills of Hays.  I guess it’s a pretty big deal – but the news clip reminded me about what exactly I feared.  The clip was talking about warning signs of domestic violence and I am sure part if it goes along with caring about her so much and wanting the best for her, but I have always feared that I would ignore obvious red flags just because I didn’t want to be too pushy or over step anything.  I remind myself that I could be paranoid because of the way I grew up with my parents.  My dad was subject to physical, emotional and mental abuse for as long as I can remember.  He kept trying to help my mom because he loved her and she was his kids’ mother.   I had not been around that type of manipulation in a long time, so I forgot what it was like until Maddie started treating me like I owed her everything and she could tell me what I could and couldn’t do.  It just made it all so much more real for me.  I realized that as much as I said I would never let anyone tell me what to do – there I was, following orders even though I didn’t agree.  Everyone would tell me to get the fuck out and I knew that I needed to but it wasn’t that easy.  It wasn’t that easy at all.  The harder it was for me and honestly, I am not completely free from it yet but I am trying really hard to distance myself as much as possible until she moves, but it made me realize that it could happen to anyone and that my fears weren’t that far fetched.  A few people really sat me down and talked to me about things when they observed concerning behaviors and it helped me some.  It really took her behavior with this other girl to finally upset me enough to not want to be part of any of it at all.  I don’t know why I am rambling on at this point but it’s important to me to say that I can handle anything and I’m not scared – ultimately. I cherish our friendship.

Here’s a random cute song to counteract that.

‘

How and why would the YouTube play a song like this next:

If I were tough, these songs would not frequent my playlist.

And one of my favorite songs of all time

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far

But I did it anyway

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

I love letting my mind wander and escaping reality for a moment.  Today, I couldn’t help but revisit old conversations and feelings that I have never forgotten.

Really, I know better – I should calm the hell down – but there’s just something about clichés.  It’s not like she doesn’t know that I have been hoping to hear from her for a while.  It’s too bad that she has to find out my world is crashing down around me – one pillar at a time.

My brother has been the most difficult to deal with.  In the depths of my thoughts, I realized that her friend may have mentioned my brother’s posts to her – if she knew that she cared and would want to know.  It’s been intense – more than I could imagine dealing with.  My dad doesn’t know what to do.  My aunt has tried to talk to him.  I just try to be available to talk to him but he doesn’t even think that I care anymore.  He was staying with my dad after he came back right before hurricane Harvey.  He has stayed with me in Kyle but he fought with Maddison and the first night that we met Sarah, her new chick, she came to our house to work on our cars.  My brother mad some sexist comment about her and Maddison has probably been into her since day one because she kicked him out that night, we went to a hotel.  I wouldn’t let him go alone.  I am sure that was the beginning of the end.  Well – the start really was but who knows.  It was all terrible and for some reason, i thought it would be a good idea.

Well when he left Kyle, he went to my dad’s house but they started to fight.  We moved here in April when I left Jeremy’s and he has been here since.  He has his good days and his bad days.  His dog drank beer as he was going through this shit with a girl that has him completely fucked up.  He tells me in detail about how she took advantage of him while he was sleeping, which he didn’t even really care about and then he just told me recently that she said, “Why are you here?” to him after that like she wasn’t expecting it to be him.  I would see where all that could be terrible and then she told all of Port A that he took advantage of her – so that’s the short of it, but now he sits in his room – which doesn’t have any widows – does some drugs and gets extremely depressed about it and lately he has taken to facebook in trying to scare everyone that he knows it seems.

Dealing with Maddison’s drama is difficult just because she is completely manipulative and finds ways to make me care anytime that I don’t.

Getting laid off came as a complete shock – I don’t think that anyone saw it coming.  The good thing is that I have plenty of money and if I get this job coming up in March, then I will be able to save plenty of it or use it for something important – like sweeping a lady off her feet or whatever happen in tragic comedy fairy tales.  When people my age talk about fantasies – I don’t think they usually want to be prince charming.. but I kinda think I do.   Maybe I watched too much Disney but right now, I feel like I have reacted incorrectly to all of me instincts and when I say that I regret decisions that I have made, I don’t only mean that I regret dating someone when I was not actually into them, I mean – I regret backing off every time that I did because I thought that it was the right thing to do.  There are many days, I don’t think it was the right thing to do.

Don’t judge the music selection in this out pouring of my heart – it was courtesy of 99.5 while I was in the car.

This is a girl girl thing

• by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Music, Soft Rock •   0

Tonight was Lez Prom.  Months ago, I was under the impression I was going, then she was taking the new girl, then she said I was the back up if the new girl didn’t want to go – and then she ended up taking her best friend because she thinks I want to get back with her.  She doesn’t understand when I feel disrespected and used, she thinks that I am jealous, but really, I just don’t want to watch her kids so that she can go out with someone.

She ended up getting drunk and asking her best friend to take her to the new girl’s house.  The best friend texted me asking if I was up because she was crying because Maddison was being a bitch to her and didn’t give a fuck about her feelings. It’s pretty bad when you exes best friend confides in you because she’s so mean.

It was nice to not care in the least.  I expected to feel a little left out, but instead, I went to a friends house and helped them pack.  I couldn’t keep M off my mind or the few words that meant more than I could imagine.   I woke up feeling stronger than ever.  I’ve resisted saying much to her, because I am sure that her situation is quite sensitive and I want to be aware so that I don’t cause any trouble.

My friends used to joke that the only way to get me to clean my house was to say that M was coming over.  It was a running joke, apparently I don’t give a fuck quite often.. and then there she was.  Everything else disappeared.  Either way, I feel like cleaning my room and have been doing a great job.. I guess I just don’t want her to ever see what a mess I can be – but I am sure that she is quite aware.

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time
‘Cause I like you

You make me stare, when I should not

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

I’ve developed a habit of staying up all night and sleeping all day, as if I was on summer vacation.  The ex has developed a habit of calling me, waking me up and asking me for something ridiculous.  Today – I said no.

Since I was woken up and asked a question, I was a bit confused.  I thought she was telling me that her son (8) was home alone and wanted to go play, but I had to be aware to check on him and she was asking if I would. I said no, I’m sleeping and went back to sleep.  This was at 1:15 PM.  There’s something that makes me feel really bad to saying no to something I am physically capable of doing, soon enough, I couldn’t sleep anymore and got up by 2.  I texted her and told her that he could go play outside because I was awake.  Little did I know, she was either home or bringing him home to stay alone (with me next door) and somehow through the next exchange of messages that came out. After minutes of being awake – I knew that I didn’t want to be here anymore. There is a lot going on with my brother and it’s intense.  Everyone else is silent or asleep here and I owe LMC a little money, so I ask the ex when she will be back because I want to go to Lisa’s.  She says they are going to Austin and it will be a few hours and not to leave him alone for more than an hour at a time.   This is where it starts to feel like I am watching her kid for her and she treats me like complete shit, so I was not willing to do that.  She already called me at 9 something this morning asking me to go sit with her kids while she went to go get sodas.  When I got there her 4 year old asked me to make her food, if that tells you anything about how much I do for the kids.  Why couldn’t her mom had made her food?

I asked her to get me a soda while she was out, because I thought it would make me feel better about doing things for her.

When I went back to bed, I had a hard time falling asleep right away.  I laid there and thought about this one time that M and I met at Jo’s.  That day was the first time I saw her after she got back from out of state.  She had left right before I met Maddison.  When she returned, I felt like I had so much explaining to do.  I knew that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.. but I really did.  I had been completely in love with her for 3 years, she leaves, returns and I had a girlfriend.. that I hated, but I am not sure if that point came across.  I think I was able to at least express that much to her.  I needed her to know that I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend, had no interest in her and had a very inactive sex life – which took effort, but I blamed my medicine and distanced myself.  When I saw her, I got so nervous/excited, I have no idea what I said that day. I can tell you what table we sat at.  I can tell you that my back was to the wall and hers was to the counter.  We normally didn’t sit over in that little area, but today we did.  I feel like she could see through my eyes to what I was trying to express and I feel like she understood more than anyone would and accepted that I did what I did for whatever reason I did it, and I don;t think she was worried at all.  I wondered if she still knew that she was everything that I had ever wanted.. but could never ask.

I have always tried to respect her situation – and I don’t know why – but I can’t refer to it as anything other than that.  I’ve never wanted to make anything worse for her.  There has been things that she has said that have sunk deep into my heart.  I have beat myself up for not being more assertive and asking more questions.  When I think about an example of what I am talking about, the first thing that comes to mind is – I don’t even know when we were having this conversation – but she said that her parents would not have even noticed if she had been kidnapped.  We had been talking about when she left home.  It always made me feel uneasy to think about. She looked down and her tone changed in a way that told me this was significant, but I felt like she didn’t want me to ask, so I never did.  It’s strange to me that I can be so shy with her yet so incredibly open.  In the end, I always feel very protective of her and the rest just gets complicated in my head.  Watching  my brother breakdown has made me question my sanity a time of two, but luckily. I have her in my life and she is always there just in time.

This song popped up and I have not heard it before.  I am going to leave this here.

I wanted to talk about something very specific and forgot it when my dad showed up.  I need to reread this and see if it comes back to me.  For now, I suppose this is all.

I will be brave

• by admin • In Music, Pop •   0

Nothing makes me feel tougher than listening to this song when it comes on.

I was buying shoes for my job interview when I received some words that made my heart beat a little differently.

When you are the weird kid in life, there’s nothing better than someone that believes in you.

I don’t even know who Christina Perri is – I always think this song is Paramore.

If I were gay I would listen to must like this – kidding, I wouldn’t..

The only reason that I like the last video is because of the first lines in the song.  Okay, well – maybe it’s not the only reason, but I would have not gotten as far into the song without the start.

Hopin’ that the sun will keep on shinin’

• by admin • In Country, Music •   0

My brother – is having a very hard time. Its a part of the equation that I have not mentions, maybe because it is the most serious and severe. I should not ignore it, but people act like I do. He gave me a bass guitar a few years back, right before I did Guitar Girl. He taught me one song. I doubt that I could play it again without a lot of practice. I think it would help him if we started playing again.