Once upon a time thoughts of you
Are picketing my brain
They refuse to work
Such long hours without rest
In unstable conditions at best
They’re out there every day
Holding up there signs
And thoughts of no other man but you
Could possibly get through
The picket lines to enter into my mind
Listening to the songs below just remind me of the days that I longed to be in love. I couldn’t wait until these songs meant more to me and now, I am deathly afraid of it, so much so, that I have grown complacent and have no desire to talk to others. Throwing me into a room full of men and a butch lesbian and a ghetto 50 year old married woman was a cruel and unusual punishment, but it will ensure that I do not fall victim to whatever manipulator roles up into the local phone company. I have so many mixed feelings that I feel awful saying, but I fell in love with the young kids soon – and I an afraid that was the plan all along.
Anyone would be mad at how many Melissa Etheridge cruises I could have gone on if I wasn’t supporting so many people. Somehow there is always a leach and I feel like it is getting painfully obvious.
I feel like my brother is feeling guilty for his mental state and dependency on me so he is leaving to Seattle and I can only support him and hope he makes good decisions. I am going to make sure he gets a roommate place when he gets there and pay for the first month and I sure as hell hope he can take it from there because a room for rent up in Seattle is $700 and if I am paying for rent in Seattle, it is going to be real painful to pay my rent here too. Then there is my ex and the kids – they should be leaving by July 25th, because from what I understand there is someone waiting to move in there. That will be a relief and a stressed too. I will be worried about my minor and adult children as they are out of site, but that’s fine really. I need a damn break.
I have talked to the person that recorded this a few times online. She talked to me about my Melissa Etheridge videos from New Braunfels, but I have started to notice that she has thousands of videos. She is clearly no amateur. I want to ask her what she does but I am not that assertive. I couldn’t even bring myself to send it to her, I only mentioned it as casually as possible. The truth is, when I stumbled across it, I felt my pulse accelerate until I could feel my heart beat in my throat. Due to currently technology, my brain deiced to measure it, because math and history – well, 120 bpm is how this recording makes me feel even though the sound quality is tricky. It’s on a cruise ship, think about the limitations.
I shall now refer to Bishop as the great divide.. not really but tonight I will.
When I was younger and started to listen to what I would call Lesbian Music despite the fact that many were not lesbians at all, I meant wymen rock or something – I don’t know the correct term but I have seen it come up in Ani Difranco’s book, however the other term seems more derogatory to me – this isnt the WNBA here, these are international rock stars.
This is the first time I have listened to these songs in the last 6+ years… I am sorry that they mean so much to me. I guess this is what sorry – not sorry means.. I really can’t put into words how listening to these songs feels and I know that I shouldn’t – so there’s that.
What is San Francisco like this time of year? Are pitbulls welcome?
I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don’t know how far I’d go
To ease this precious ache
You don’t know how much I’d give
As I listened to the album, Dilate, way too many times, I start to pay more attention to a few lines at the end.
Somehow, all of my thoughts flow as I drive in my car, but at home I am rarely alone with my thoughts these days, so they will have to wait, I guess.
My brother is planning on leaving to Seattle in a week. I have mixed feelings about it all – but I am keeping on my attempt to trust people in what they need, so I am supporting him and helping him get on his feet there. All while fearing that something will happen to him or Grandma while he is gone. That may be that PTSD limiting my life again. I am glad that he can get past it or doesn’t have a fear of loss, whichever it is.
I have had tons of things to say but nothing I have felt like writing down.
When I was at the concert, I had the same realization – what if she did come with me. How would I react if she was standing with me when I heard a song like this for the first time. There was that moment in each show, plus the multitude of deeply seeded emotional songs that I didn’t even realize were ingrained in my being.
Ultimately, it was a stark reminder of my place. I constantly remind myself too. Thankfully, she has never actually told me that she didn’t love me and I am comfortably numb believing that she does.
In the moments that I stumble across the confusion as to how I ended up with such feelings.. I would never expect to find myself in such a situation. I know better – but then I remember – the path in which got me here.. I wouldn’t change anything in fear I would have never met her.. I would love for life to be easier on us both, but if it can not, I appreciate her in my life any way possible.
Anytime I feel like a horrible person, I think about that one post that I read that one time.. yeah the one that I most likely won’t ever forget, but that time I replied before I read it was one of the most embarrassing things that has happened to me – so I suppose it stands out. At the time I felt discriminated against. The older I get, the more I feel protected by the decission..
Emily knows me well. We have been friends since about 05 and she has seen me through my two major relationships. She saw both extremes and supported me through the heart break of my first love. When she was here a few weeks ago, she asked if I still loved Teal. I explained why I didn’t think that I did. I told her that I had seen both Teal and the woman that I have accidentally fallen for and have not seemed to find a way to get back despite great efforts.. and well – we talked about that for a while. She reminded me that it may have been her own decision that it wasn’t best to see me. It made sense..
I really appreciated it when she said, “It sounds like you are handling this very well and being very mature about it – you have grown up a lot.” It was true, but there was a level of respect here that I have never had for someone before, and the worst part is – I often wonder – …what she thinks.
The Garbage concert was one of the best concerts I have been to, somehow they just keep getting better and better, but I was slightly distracted and found myself wanting a pause between songs so that I could check my messages… that never happens – and that is one of those reasons…
When the first song was #1 Crush, I think I blushed a little and thought the same thing I thought at the Melissa Etheridge concert… what would I have done if she had come with me, then she would be standing next to me as I felt some songs that meant a lot to me – it felt like quite the vulnerable place that I still did not know how to handle just yet.
There were a few songs that they didn’t play that I really wanted to hear, but it was a 2 hour set and she is 52… so I really can’t ask for anything more. If I were choosing a set list for San Antonio, Texas – I would probably think to leave Queer and Androgyny out too.. but it was an amazing show and they played a lot off of their self titled album and version 2.0 which are my favorites.