Music

The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

• by admin • In Country, Music, Nashville Sound, Words •   0

I’m not sure if today got much better.  I went with my dad and brother to eat lunch at Industry, despite my lack of flexibility in my pallet.. I ate something there – and it wasn’t that strange.  Alright, so I ate a baked potato and picked the over priced chicken off of it but who cares, right?

When she came back from house hunting in Austin, she acted like she didn’t treat me like complete shit screaming at me in the middle of our small apartment complex in front of my brother after asking her to stop.  She came right in my house, without knocking and joined me and a friend in my room while we were hanging out.  My friend was about to leave, so she left and she stayed with her friend. At some point her friend brought her 4 year old over and I was trying to get them to leave because I did not want to hang out but they did not get a clue so I turned off the light in my room and walked out, leaving them sitting in the dark.  I started playing a PS2 game as if it didn’t just happen.

My brother and I played a few NES games until we couldn’t get them to work anymore – but I read something today about unlicensed games overheating in NES and it was this unlicensed game that is 143 NES games in one.  It’s nice but doesn’t always work – so then we switched to the PS2 and just like that our video game progressed 15 years.   The difference in the graphics and types of games are insane.  I can’t even imagine what the new ones are like – I can not handle them yet.  My newest system that I use is an original Xbox which was late 2001.

I saw this image on a friend’s facebook page.  I saved it on my computer to remind me.  It’s not that I need a reminder.  I need a spine..

I can’t remember the last time that it was said but one thing that she loves to say to manipulate me is – “You are just as crazy as your mom.”  It is so hard for me to open up to anyone about my mom because, its awkward enough for me to have to hear people react to things, but somehow, one way or another, it is always used against me.  I don’t think that I talk about my mom much.  Most people don’t know much about her.  When people that I went to high school with hear about my brother passing away or about my sister, they get confused and ask questions.  “I thought Brian was your only brother.”  Yeah – well, we didn’t really talk about them much.

I was in 5th grade when my dad decided to move us from New Braunfels to Canyon Lake to get away from my mother.  Before that, she was getting drunk and beating my dad, what felt like weekly, but I can’t say that I really know – I was between 6 and 12 years old.  I remember a lot of it in great detail, but I don’t know if it is because I lived it or because I have heard stories – but I am quite sure that I remember it.  My dad was offered a job by a man in Canyon Lake months prior and he took it.  His new boss was helping him relocate closer to the job but he knew that he had to be strategic with this move.  He found the smallest place possible, so that he knew that my mom and her kids couldn’t possibly follow.  It was a decision that was hard for him and may have haunted him since, but he knew that he had to do it to save us and himself.

The school district was about a year behind the one that we were in so we spent a year relearning the same stuff.  We were smart enough to realize this meant we were now behind and we hated it.  The kids in our new neighborhood were trouble makers and sucked my brother in quickly.  We did what we wanted and took care of ourselves.  My dad paid $14,000 for that lot and trailer.   I can’t imagine such a price tag, but we were poor and as soon as we entered middle school, I knew it.

My mom started showing back up after I graduated high school or as I was finishing it.  I believe there was some sort of child support for her younger two that was to blame for that.  My next memory of her was around 1999 when my grandfather had passed away.  She was never a considerate or compassionate person and we never really got along until I was the only one left that had any sympathy for her.  That day, in ’99, I was in my kitchen and she was at my house for whatever reason.  My grandfather had just died suddenly and she made some smart ass remark.  I don’t know if I raised my first at her or if I just bucked up to her but I was about to punch her in the face.  That is the only moment in my life that I have almost hit someone.  My dad was right there and begged me to stop, at the time, I outweighed her by at least 20 lbs and I had watched her beat my dad my whole life. It was not the moment to mess with me – she looked scared, and then I just walked away back to my room.

I have never actually had a physical altercation with my mother, but I am the only one that hasn’t.  She has tried to fight with my dad nearly my whole life and he has only defended himself, if that.  As we grew up, all of my other siblings have found themselves back under her roof for some reason or another (my father’s roof – she has never had a stable job).  She has ended up in jail after calling the police because she thought Brian was fighting with her.  The police seem to arrest the drunk one, and there she went that time.  They always let her out on a PR bond.  My dad thinks that they don’t want to put up with her.  She has fought my sister countless times, a few when my sister was pregnant.  Stephen.. left early, when he came here to get clean from heroin, but they couldn’t stop fighting so he went back and died within days of returning.

When Stephen died, she started to lose it.  We all started to question life and way too much.  My dad still struggles and feels like he abandoned them back in 1995, but what could he have done?  They ended up in foster care for several years.  The things my sister tells me is hard to even listen to.

By June 30, 2016 – which happened to be 32 years after my parents married and 17 years after my grandfather passed away – my mom was causing more problems.  The cops were called again, mid day and ended up telling my dad to leave “because he had somewhere else to go.”  Which meant he was the one with the car, but he was rightfully upset because it was also his house.  We talked to him on the phone and realized how upset he was – so my brother and I got in the car and headed to his house.  When we entered the house, we could hear my mom’s loud-drunk talking to herself but she had not realized it was us.  I called the police on my way out there so we were just waiting for them.  My brother made me wait outside because we didn’t want her to attack us thinking that we were our dad.  When the police showed up – she started spouting shit off.  I told them I wanted a psych eval on her or whatever they could do because she was a danger to herself and my dad.  She left in an ambulance for her second check now – I took her to the hospital after getting direction from the crisis line the first time only for them to force me to go pick her up the next day.  Same thing happened this time but I wouldn’t take her back to my dad’s house this time.

Every time, they would shoot her full of Ativan and then check her.. she was calm as fuck – of course they said she was fine and released her.  A sedated wild dog is fine too.. So I took matters in my own hands.  I put her at the Motel 6 and paid for it with help from my dad.  That only lasted a few weeks, because at $300 a week, soon, we couldn’t afford that anymore.  I was trying to get her into the woman’s shelter but both counties had some argument to explain why they couldn’t take her.  Eventually, some old friend from grade school that used to live next door to her said she could come live with him – because she lied and said how horrible her life was here.. at this point, I am sure he is very aware.

I have to look her up from time to time to see if she is in jail.  I have randomly checked multiple times after not hearing from her for a while to find out that she is in jail.  I have set up an account so that I can text her in jail. Last time I thought she was going away for a long time because she was told that the next time would be her 3rd strike, but that came and went.  https://www.columbusga.gov/sheriff/Inmates.htm 

There’s a reason I don’t talk about my mom much.  There aren’t many nice things to say about her and her life has turned out to be quite tragic and sad in my eyes.  I wish that I knew what to do for all of these people hurting for deeply around me, but if I watch too long, I just cry myself.

Watchin’ this story about me

• by admin • In Music, Pop Rock, Words •   0

Weeks ago, Maddison asked me if she could borrow rent money and a little extra until March 7th.  I agreed because she always makes me think that her kids will be without if I do not help her.  The reason that she is low on money is because she helped her new chick with $300 in rent and has sent countless amounts of money on her – so much so that she doesn’t have rent or any other money.  She knows that I have the ability to help, even though I have done my best to keep how much money I have a secret from her, because I know that she will try to find ways to spend it.

This new girl isn’t someone that she is dating, but someone that she sleeps with and spends all of her money on.  I would rather not know that but she makes certain to tell me every detail and gush about her way too often.  She is going to look at houses in Austin – I can only hope that she finds one and moves soon.  Her lease is up in July – but her grandma gives her whatever money she needs.

She came to my window – in the non sweet way, saying my name to wake me up to ask me to go get her money.  Out of laziness, I told her that I would give her my card to go get it but then couldn’t find my wallet.  She grew increasingly mad, even though it has been over an hour since that happened and she still hasn’t left yet.  She yelled at my window to open my door.  I walked to the front door and she started screaming at me outside of our houses.  She was yelling that I was a psycho bitch that needed to get help.  That was because I told her that she only needed to take out $800, which is $25 over her rent.  She asked how she would get through the week. I told her that I would buy her what she needed, but that was all the cash I was comfortable with giving her.  She said, “No, it doesn’t work that way.”  I know for a fact, that she is trying to get money out of me so that she can go buy things for this girl and I am not having it.  If she thinks that I am crazy for trying to protect myself from her than so be it.

Let the record show – she never “made me complete” but I really don’t think anyone needs me to point that out.

A Minute of Silence

• by admin • In Performance Art, Pop •   Comments Off on A Minute of Silence

There she was like a picture
There she was, she was just the same
There she was, he just had to know she had not forgot his name

Trying his best to forget her
Trying his best to just keep his stride
Kept his word, but he knows he heard

Ulay, ulay, oh

  • A Living Door of the Museum

I’ve gotta keep the calm before the storm

• by admin • In Pop, Words •   0

I fell asleep watching TV at her house last night.  She’s diagnosed bi-polar and has not found a medicine that works well for her, but I don’t know how much more I can take.  I made a folder on my computer were I saved her phone call recordings and messages in today.  She made so many threats to “fuck up my life,” I have no idea what she is planning.  She constantly calls me a psycho bitch and I am just tired of it.  I had a lot to do today, but I still stayed up with her at her house watching TV.  She sleeps all day and doesn’t work so she can’t sleep at night and wonders why.

Even when I am asleep, she talks to me all night long.  The last thing that I remember her saying was that she had to be up in a few hours.  Before any alarms went off, her 4 year old climbed in bed with us and laid in the middle.  She woke me up to tell me she peed.  She is potty trained but has been peeing the bed a lot lately, so pull ups it is.  I got up, changed her, she thanked me and went to sleep.  Once her brother was up by 6:20 getting ready, she was bouncing off the walls and I was not ready for all that.

I was trying to sleep, so I can’t even place when it all went wrong.  I think I offered to get her dressed so that I could leave.  She complained that it was no help to get her dressed early because she would just lay down (mom) and fall asleep instead of taking her to school.  Apparently this is now my problem, I try to offer to call her to make sure she is up and things because she constantly complains about her life and it’s just who I am to offer suggestions.  She was screaming at me so much, I can’t even remember what she was saying.  I wanted to leave but then she starts screaming about how I am abandoning them and walking out of their lives and all of this incredibly dramatic things for me just wanting to sleep because I had to take my swab mouth test today and I was not going to smoke all day – so sleeping would make that a whole lot easier.   Instead, I woke up at 6:20 AM to get screamed at for an hour – guess what didn’t help me not want to smoke – that.

Eventually I just walked out because I couldn’t handle it anymore.  She proceeded to send me facebook messages that were less than nice.  Luckily, I was able to fall asleep and I thought that I would at least have a little bit of peace because I thought we were no longer speaking.

I had a vet appointment for my dog.   Turns out she busted a ligament in her knee which is why she has been limping for a few weeks.  The options were surgery or medication to keep her comfortable.  With a price tag of $2,600, I had to decide against the surgery – but I am not really into surgery unless its required.  There are too many risks involved, especially at her age.  I have had her for about 8 years and she was not a puppy when I got her.  They gave her medicine for inflammation and joint health.  I was headed home from the vet when she starts asking me what I ordered and said it looked like drugs.  I assured her that I did not order drugs.  She had been going through my mail and decided she needed to know what something was she found in a package.

The truth was, I had no clue what I ordered.  Sometimes, Ebay is dangerous.  I haven’t bought much on it in years – but in 2019 – I have bought a few things, just because I can.  Once I realized what she was talking about, I told her they were just some rock thing.   Then she wanted to know what I was going to do with them – once again, I had no answer.  Art…

This leads me to ask her why she is going through my mail if we are no longer talking.  She denied that was ever the case.  She still has my mail at her house and will not respond to me to give it back.  Mainly, I also had this NES game that I have been waiting on and I would really like to play it – but now it is being held hostage because “of my attitude.”

I have put a call recording app on my cell phone, because of the things that she says to me.  Today she kept saying that if I am going to keep playing these games, she is going to fuck up my life more than I could ever imagine.  I asked her why she was threatening my life but she just said, I’m not threatening your life – you will still be alive.

She has claimed that she is going to pay her cell phone bill back to December once she gets her tax return, but she hasn’t even filed yet.  The phone is still on, I am still paying it for her – because I am scared of what she will do if I stop.  When she gets mad, she tells me that she is never going to pay her part of the phone bill.  It is getting close to $500 at this point because she wanted unlimited and a Note 9 – and what did my dumb ass do?  I had already bought her a Galaxy S7 Edge but as soon as that was paid off she needed a Note 9 and more than $500 is still owed on that as well.

When I talked to the prosecutor and signed the Affidavit of non prosecute, it asked if I had lost any money due to this – I really wish I remembered exactly what it said.  I kept trying to get her out of trouble, so I would answer the obvious answer on everything.  I don’t think that I should have tried so hard to sign that.  It wasn’t easy but she pressured me every day and acted like we were friends.  She actually acted like we were in a relationship.  I signed it on December 13th.  I thought we were together.  It was January first that I was made aware that we had broken up in November.  I couldn’t even remember how we got back together to start with because I had left for several months after the fight happened.  I am scared of her.  Scared because she is so unstable and does not seem to think about real life consequences.  She doesn’t think that rules apply to her.  She does not have a drivers licence.  Her registration is expired but she drives daily.

The day that she started to retaliate because I made it clear that I was aware she was going to the new girls house to have sex while she manipulated me in watching her children overnight – I went up to victim services.  I told them that she may make fault claims against me because she is mad at me.  Her best friend feels bad for me and tells me things once in a while so that I don’t get completely taken advantage of.  She warned me that Maddison was going to ask me for money.  Apparently she thinks that I have too much money and she doesn’t have enough.  I almost gave her a few hundred too.  She told me she had $7 to her name and she would pay me back by the 7th, but at this point, she owes me so much money for the damn phone bill – how can I ever trust her to pay me back at all.

At least a year ago, I put my name on her Chase bank account because I needed to deposit a check from my 401K and my credit union wasn’t on their list.  To be safe, the banker put my name on multiple accounts – I think it was 2 that she had.  In January, when she started seeing this girl – she went crazy with her money.  I don’t know exactly what she did but I think that it involved the square app and PayPal but somehow she over drew each of these accounts at least $1000.  I have no idea what happened because I do not have access to these accounts, but I am getting calls now and they are going to close the accounts if I don’t make a deposit in full – so I guess I will deal with that when it hits my credit.

It pissed me off when her friend told me that yesterday, as she was spending all of her money, she said – “I will just get money from Jen, she has 9 grand.”  Number one – I don’t have 9 grand and number two, why would she know how much money I have… It just makes me mad.  Then she screams at me that I never want to help when she needs it – referring to me wanting to go home at 7 AM instead of 7:30 because she thinks I need to personally make sure she wakes up and takes the kid to school.

I do believe I passed my mouth swab and the strangest thing happened.  The lady said – “If you do smoke, just know they will give you a UA again when you are hired on.”  I appreciate the warning but the hiring manager also covered that with me.  I guess they really want me to study for that test.

Confusion on the ground

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Soft Rock •   0

You know what they say about assuming.. I embarrass myself more than I would like to admit, but luckily for me, I really don’t open up to many people, so there isn’t a ton of opportunities. I feel like I need to put my friend on a payroll for all the shit she puts up with from me.

When I was younger, I would get confused.  Confused between really caring about someone as a friend and being in love with them.  Maybe I never for past it.  How do I know if I am attracted to someone as a person or more?  The good thing is, I would much rather a good friend than a girlfriend, because I just don’t trust relationships or love.  I tried it once or twice and it didn’t work out that well for me.

Last night, I had a weird dream.  I thought that it was real but never asked anyone – but I am sure it was not. In my dream, Maddison called me.  She said, “You’re not going to like this, but my girlfriend has something to say.” and then handed the phone to someone.  Then a more masculine chick got on the phone and said something like. “Yeah, girlfriend, did you hear that?  Stay away from my…” and then I hung up.  In my dream, I knew that it was Sarah.  I did get pissed off because, what the fuck.  I was really mad, but who knows why.  I get really sad when people don’t trust me.. but then I guess I see why.

I went to some Kid Fish with my nieces and nephew today.  It was on river road and there were a million people there.  I had terrible reception but managed to exchange a few important messages.  Tomorrow will mark a month since I left work.  I don’t think that I could ever work from home.  I need an escape and a distraction.  My mind has really played some tricks on me and I just wish I knew how to apologize properly.

She wanted to help me and I am a complicated mess that needs to learn when to stop.

Yet another song that I did not know before playing it. These electronics…

But somebody stole my silver shoes

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock, Soft Rock, Soul music •   0

It’s not every day that I hear a new Melissa Etheridge song – she’s like my fuckin’ idol.

I feel like there was just an Eminem reference in regards to Melissa Etheridge and there’s just something wrong about that.

The Internet thought I needed a few new songs in my playlist.

But if you break down
I’ll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I’ll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don’t come easy

The most interesting thing about this post is that I have never heard these songs before, listened to them back to back and didn’t plan them at all.  YouTube Conspiracy.

Correct me when I’m wrong.  Point me in the right direction, I will listen.  

It didn’t stop there.  I paused this video 55 seconds because I don’t appreciate the way that these songs are talking to me.  I wish that I were more confident in… something.  I am not used to being so confused about my feelings that I am quite sure about.  I guess, I don’t know what’s welcomed, expected or okay.  More-so I am concerned that I should be concerned – its all a perplexing feeling I have had for a while.

Not really sure how to feel about it

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Soul music, TV •   0

I watching Grown-ish and this song came on.

I used to listen to this song a lot.

The episode that I watched included this:

and then there was this:

I have been stuck in my head thinking about what happened at the Pizza place.  I haven’t heard from her sense.  I’m afraid that either C noticed and is mad or she was hurt by seeing me with Maddie, which I think would be unlikely – because I am sure that she knows how I feel – but I can’t help but wonder or worry that I screwed up some how.

At least she reads my messages – I am just more concerned that something is wrong but I ignore it because I don’t want her to think I am weird.

And these are the hands we’re given

• by admin • In Hard Rock, Music, Rock •   0

I went out to Stonewall tonight.  I said a few things to her throughout the day but once I started drinking – I knew it was best for me to shut the fuck up, so I didn’t say anything at all.  Well, I did say something after calling her pretty but I had barely started drinking at that point and there was no way it could have been inconsiderate or disrespectful.

It’s really important to me that I never make anything harder on her and that she knows that I have the purest of intentions.  I might get nervous as hell when I don’t know what is expected of me.  The world knows that I wanted to run up to her and hug her but I am guessing that is not the best thing to do.  Then I didn’t want him to see me and try to talk to me, there is no way that I could have kept a straight face if he would have introduced me to her.  I really don’t think that he would have said anything to me in that situation but the few times that I bought sandwiches where he worked, I was quite shocked at how well he remembered me.  I tend to believe that I can blend in and not stand out – but I have never really been that person.  I haven’t been able to follow gender norms since I was allowed to think for myself and around here that didn’t always go so well.

The more I drank, the more my mind wandered.  There was a bunch of kids with Xs on their hands at the gay bar – was very uneventful.  I questioned what I would ask her if I could ask her anything.  The first thing that came to mind was if she could go to that bonzi garden with me sometime next week but I told myself that the scheduled did not match up.  I’d ask her about what she was going to try to tell me about, just what has been going on and what can I do to make things easiest?  I’m afraid she thinks that I can’t handle it or something or maybe she’s just not ready.  It means a lot that she would even try or consider it.  I would ask her if she was happy, but I would want a real answer.  I’d ask her about her grandma, but I am always too scared to ask that question.  My heart sunk when she contacted me to tell me that she found out she was sick – then we lost contact and I thought about it way too often.  I had always wanted to paint those shoes in the barn, but knew I was not good enough and forgot what they looked like exactly, not that I ever really knew, but I did know why they ended up there and that’s what touched my heart.

Then I drifted off into, what would I want her to know.   I would want her to know that my feelings have never changed for her, though I had tried to change them many times.  If she ever needed a place to go, I would welcome her without question or expectation and give up my bed quickly if asked.  Maddison and I are just friends and will not be getting back together and she’s quite aware about how I feel but she tells me you have no interest in me, not that I listen at all, which if you didn’t that’s fine with me too but it turns out, I am quite interested despite my best efforts not to be.  I know that she cares about me.  I know that she cares about me a lot.  I’d never ask if she had any romantic feelings for me, because I just can’t justify that as appropriate.  Though I am sure most people wouldn’t believe it – I try my best to do the right thing.

Something funny did happen at the bar today.  Apparently, when I was up buying drinking, this gay guy saw me and got really excited until I turned around and he was I was a woman.. I totally missed it but my friend did not.  Gotta love that.  I really didn’t have a song so I just chose one.  My brother plays this song all of the time.