• byadmin • InEmo rap, Pop Rock, Punk, Rock • Comments Off on I can’t grow a mustache and I ain’t got no season pass
There was a time in my life that I was embarrassed by how much I loved Bowling for Soup, but now I embrace my nerdiness. I think it helps that I may be the least socially awkward at work, which never happens – but I can’t keep up with these people that have dedicated their life to being nerds – at least I have tried to resist.
The I catch myself going and doing some shit like this:
Here I was working on my video editing. I couldn’t help but think about the night at Showdown that I know I bucked up when some guy was flirting with her in front of me. We have a very unusual relationship and as the years passed, I realized why we never went in public – but I could care less at this point.. I wonder if Candace noticed, I can only imagine it lead to the comment about that we should date. Anyway – back to my story, as she flooded my mind, I decided to send her a message with only a heart. I didn’t think that she would see it until tomorrow, but she saw it pretty quickly. That’s really all the attention that I needed to warm my heart – and I have no idea what she even thinks – but I am just happy that she notices me.
Last night, I was reminded that if I had a theme song, it would probably be this:
Every time I go to my psychiatrist, which is usually like every 3 months – he asks, how are you sleeping – how are your dreams? I usually don’t have a lot to say – but I know he thinks I have trust issues with him so I suppose I say plenty through things other than my words. He always extenuates that it is important to pay attention to our dreams and a specific theme of dreams came up last night – my least favorite – running* from gangsters**.
The basics in the dream were that I was at a party that turned out to be something that I didn’t expect it to be. Through a series of events I was being chased by gangster drug dealers at this party that wanted to kill me. The car was parked really far away so I had to make a run for it through the woods at some point. In the end, I can’t say that I ever made it to the car but I kept stopping and looking back because I had left the baby with a close friend there – because I know that she was safer there than with me but I had a hard time walking away.
As I typed out the dream a few times, here and to her mother when trying to calm down this morning, I realized how symbolic the dream was. I had to leave the 4 year old behind with someone I know would take care of her in order to save myself, but I still couldn’t bring myself to trust someone else and kept lingering.
*To dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.
**To dream that you are confronted or threatened by a gang signifies circumstances or situations in your waking life that are becoming overwhelming. You feel that you are being “ganged” up on.
To dream that you are at a party suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is a bad one, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.
The other night, I had a dream about her again. I didn’t write about it at the time because it may have been the following night after I had the dream about driving around with Matt and I just wanted to calm the fuck down. I try not to wander into the wrong places in life so often.
In my dream about her, she was doing something – presenting to a group. I can not even place it. We were all sitting in a circle on stools of some sort. She may have been painting. She may have been cooking. At the time I was aware of what we were watching. I sat like a stranger in the group. At the time, I knew that it had to be that way.
Mid – whatever we were learning, she smiled at me and I know that my life froze in the best way possible. I don’t remember much else from the dream. There were about 5 other people in the group besides us. They were all to my right.
Last that day I got in a conversation with a trans-man friend of mine. I suppose he is more than just a friend, he is my ex girlfriend from about 2004, so we go way back. He was expressing his struggles with finding decent people to date. He has usually found himself in very small towns, growing up in Southern Oklahoma – he has dealt with a lot.
The more he spoke, the more I realized I can empathize a lot. Lately, I have grown complacent to being misgendered, almost to the point that I am I unphased when my name is spelled wrong – I decide that is my fault and move on.
One reason that I think that I am so passionate about our friendship is that I truly believe she is one of the only people in my life that truly accepts me and when you have lived your entire life on the outside looking in, it is really nice to finally meet someone that accepts you and doesn’t just tolerate you. Up until this point in life, I was thrilled with people tolerating me and trying to understand – it was a lot better than the alternate.
Yesterday, I read this information online about Hyperthymesia and then I went to take a shower. In the shower, I didn’t even realize that I was thinking about it, but it occurred to me that when she said the thing about painting herself into a corner, it may have been about this one thing I read that left me perplexed and second guessing myself worse than ever – but somehow I found some way to get over it emotionally because I don’t think about it much at all. In the information about people that exhibit signs of hyperthymesia are often people that spend a lot of time replaying events in their head. The reason that I can repeat things like they happened yesterday is because, for me, they did happen yesterday and the day before that and the day before that – all so quickly in my mind I don’t even realize that I am thinking about it but I can practically tell you what that post said and I know that it was in December 2013 – probably on the 17th but that could be a guess. I always feel weird on that day so if its not that day, i seem to think it is. It had been months since we had talked. I’d say in October before she went to San Francisco, but I am getting old, I could be wrong. I know it had been months and I can remember the way my heart lit up when I saw her pictures. I replied instantly and do not have the courage to cross-reference my records in Gmail to see what I even said, but it was bad. I am sure it was along the lines of – To the extent that I understand love, I believe that I am completely in love with you – I am sure there is some logical excuse why you diapered and if there is not tell me anything because I will believe whatever you say. Clearly, I am way smoother than that but I am quite sure she saw right through me before I saw anything coming.
Then I read the post. The title is carved in the side of my forgotten memories. At this time I can only remember playmate, but I would have to shamefully say it is only because I was so jealous after I realized or tried to realize what was going on.
We never talked about it. I never wanted to make her feel uncomfortable and I just decided to leave it alone but somehow my subconsciousness wondered over that way as I thought I was relaxed and not thinking in the shower.
I write too many words so I just think I am going to stop now, but this is the song that was that last thing that played as I drove up to work this morning. I have been listening to some 99.9 and it must be some what local but has good music.
Is it strange that I have so many dreams about moving? My psychiatrist always asks me about how I sleep and my dreams, but I never remember anything important when I am talking to him. He says that it is really important to pay attention to your dreams and that they have deep meaning. His name is Dr. Wilson, so I can stop calling him my psychiatrist. I really have no idea what he is but it’s who I see for my medication now – because I wanted to prove a point to someone.
None of the professionals I have seen seem to think that anything is wrong with me. They follow the same stance that Teal does, anyone would feel the same way in such situations – but that doesn’t make me feel any better. My new medicine works really well, until I forget to take it. One missed dose is quite apparent to all around me.
Last night I had a dream that I was moving into a new house. It was huge and had 4 bedrooms. This next part will make no sense but often times, my dreams do not. It seemed to be a house that was built inside a grocery store. I only noticed the store when I walked in. It was like we entered the house through glass atuomatic doors and lived in a 1990s Wheasts. I don’t even know how to spell it but it was some what dark and old timey. We walked to the left and went through an industrial type door and there was our house. I wasn’t happy, because I didn’t like walking through a grocery store to go into my house. The 4 bedrooms were interesting and it was 2 stories. In my bedroom, there was a huge loft and I discussed how the 4 year old could live up there. No adult in their right mind would have let a 4 year old go up in this open loft little alone live up there, so I can not explain that much but somehow everyone had separate rooms and my brother lived downstairs in some office. I was clearly not with my ex but she was there picking out her separate room too.
The next thing I know, I’m walking out side with one of my friends that was helping me move in. Then a car pulled over and picked up up. It was Matt C. and some other random guy. We drove around with them for a while and ended up at a Victorian style house and went inside. We were hanging out in some sort of garage type room when they started talking about art and showed us some small closet that had the strangest paper cut out art I had seen. It was set up like a doll house and the art wasn’t that well done but they loved it and we laughed. I started to ask him some sort of question about if he knew how to do something and it started with, “Do you know..” and he cut me off by saying, “M and kinda laughed.” I just said no in a super embarrassed way but couldn’t remember what I was going to say at that point.
We moved past that quickly and were just smoking when he asked me what my name was. I answered but was somewhat confused. C walked in at some point but nothing noteworthy happened after that – at least not that I recall. It just sort of fades out about that point, maybe that is what happens when you wake up. The 4 year old was at my house last night because apparently she was asking to come over but it was probably more of her mom was tired of her but she woke me up about a million times this morning so I can only imagine that could be it.
I had to take my car to get a few hoses replaced today and as I was driving to pick up the parts and drop off my car, I started to think about the dream. In thinking about the details, I realized that it is not the first time that I have had a dream like this. The driving in the car part was new but the other part seemed quite familiar.
In the end I was left thinking.. I am glad that she doesn’t have to live with all of those guys anymore – I am sure she is much happier that way.
Sometimes, I can hear a song a thousand times and never care about it, but if i I hear it at the right moment, I’m like.. fuck yeah.. today, it was Beverly Hills by Weezer. Amara loves Weezer, I never understood it, but this is how I feel today.
And no, I’d never want to live in Beverly Hills but my first favorite movie was “Troop Beverly Hills” for whatever weird reason. I can not tell you how many times I watched that movie and “Field of Dreams”. If my grandfather’s Hollywood Video account was available we would see he spent hundreds of dollars renting those 2 movies for me. “It’s a Wonderful Life” was the next movie I got extremely attached to.
Where I come from isn’t all that great My automobile is a piece of crap My fashion sense is a little whack And my friends are just as screwy as me
I didn’t go to boarding schools Preppy girls never looked at me Why should they? I ain’t nobody Got nothing in my pocket
This song came on next and it always cuts me to the core. I am a firm believer that everyone in your life is there to teach you something. I am quite sure that Maddison taught me that I am not as mature as I would like to be. I have a lot of mental growth to come and I would never want – to project my issues on my favorite person.
I can’t even pinpoint why I am so persistent and I can’t just walk away, forever, just to leave her alone. I don’t want to be a problem for her. My life is full of defense mechanisms and I can walk out on almost anyone… because I typically do not allow myself to care too much. I feel like I have basically walked out on my mother, but the fact that she did it first to a 2 year old child helps me get through the guilt I feel in that. However, I just can’t – and I am glad she always finds a way to let me know that its okay. Sometimes, just the though of her voice comforts me. I am still quite stuck on wondering what it was she said she was going to explain to me – but I am sure its for the better. I am going to go walk this hyper ass dog, and that the worst path possible, because I lack self control and live in a dream land where magic still happens.
How should I feel about the YouTube videos this algorithm is choosing. I just let it play and think too much. I am sure its because I listen to these songs way too long but why do I even have emotions? I am an aspiring robot but must be failing at that venture.
Yesterday was one hell of a day. I didn’t even have the energy to write about it. My new primary doctor told me that the medicine that I take that is called buspiron is like xanex but without all the negative side effects. At the time she just moved my mid day dose to at night because I was having issues sleeping after losing my job. I went to her on Jan 9. I scheduled it the day after Maddison’s birthday when she brought that girl over to her house for her birthday. I was scared. This dumb as chick loves to threaten me subtly. She posts pictures on her instagram with a gun on her.
So instead of staying home freaking out, I went to talk to the doctor to get more Xanax. At that time, she said that before I take a Xanax try taking the Buspiron which can be taken up to 3 times a day but I am prescribed 2 already so that’s not much room for freak out. The only reason I am saying any of this is that I have been taking 3 for 2 days, but I forgot to take my medicine at all on Tuesday and Wednesday. I should have noticed on Wednesday when my spacer, that I put in my ear because I am a tool, came out and got stuck in my ear canal while I was at work. It came out and I didn’t die but it was a rough hour.
Somehow I noticed that I hadn’t been taking my medicine, which is usually when I start crying over little things but fast forward to Friday. I started taking calls at work which was fine. It was the “lead” that pissed me the fuck off. That’s the person in charge of the 8 of us. She seems to think I am stupid as fuck but my old counter part at work, Kelli, pointed out that she may be intimidated by me. That lead me to do a little research. I found her on LinkedIn and laughed at her work experience. I found out she graduated high school the same year I was born and has been working in I.T. help desks since 2008. which is the last year that I worked I.T.
I was a few calls in, with absolutely no training and she didn’t like the order I was doing things in. Her approach was awful, offended me and made me realize – she really doesn’t know how to do her job. She knows how to do my job just fine – but her skills transfer skills are lacking. I am a bit critical because this is something that I have been doing repeatedly in my former role since 2014, which is longer than she is even been at this job at all – so once again, I am going to need to put my pride and ego aside and remember my place.
I know that my pride and ego get me in a lot of trouble, which is weird for someone that struggles with self esteem so much. It’s easy to believe my case is different. I spend hours a week reminding myself to calm the fuck down and remember my place. Every time my mind drifts off to somewhere, even slightly romantic or intimate – which i do not mean sexual – and I know that it is completely in appropriate, I have to kick my own ass. It isn’t fun. Can you believe that YouTube would move to to Goo Goo Dolls from 3 Doors Down like that?
Today, I picked my music by playing the song that I woke to my brother playing on the guitar and singing, which was “If I could be like that.” The titled seemed like my theme song for the week. I feel like I am so much more, but I keep getting kicked to the bottom and told to start over again. In 2008, I lost my first long term job and first serious relationship that I deeply cared about.. we all know what that means. That’s when I stopped saying those words. It took forever to convince my self that I could do it again. I started at CLINK in 2010 and it was about 2012 before I enjoyed my job and felt comfortable again. It was mid 2013 before I met someone that I truly cared about.
There was a day that I accidentally told her that – That I finally felt like I had my life back. She must have known what was going to happen next, because she didn’t respond as I expected. She paused. We were walking down… her current street towards my current house – nearly 6 years ago. She looked at me, with this very sad look her eyes. I don’t think she said anything next – but I guess she knew what she had to do.. It seems like so long ago, but I know how my heart felt in that very moment.
I must be incredibly distracted today. On March 2nd, I let my ex borrow $900 because she is a con artist and knows just how to manipulate me. She was going to pay me back on the 7th and then the 8th and then yesterday when I got home from work, the minute I got home she asked if I could watch her kid. I said yes, bring the kid and my money over. Somehow that turned into her not talking to me and saying she was going to pay me back at all. Currently, she owes me about $1500 between that and her phone bill and car insurance. She has already got her own car insurance but she has not paid a dime for her phone bill which is more than $100 a month. She took her 4 year old and left for the night. The baby was sad and wanting to hug me. I wish I would have just watched the kid – she says I went psycho but I don’t even know when. Most people would get pissed if someone was refusing to pay them $900.
At the moment, 2 other friends both owe me $300 each… That is over $2000 that people owe me. I am about to send my brother after those motherfuckers. Anyway, people at work think that I am stupid. People that I help think I am stupid.. and I am sad and mad. The end.
Today, YouTube picked the music – But I guess I listen to these songs a lot.
Yesterday was so bad.. her best friend talked to me all night until I fell asleep – giving me little pieces of information to try to help me stay one step ahead.
It made me sad to know that I grew up to be that person. I grew up watching my dad be the woman on the floor.. My mom met her, she stayed at her house for a few weeks and I tried to figure out what I was going to do with her. My mom said – if you stay with this woman, you will live a miserable life. I should have realized, I was hearing this from an expert.
Today, I sent hera message contemplating my bizarre timing since I saw her. I don’t know how she really feels about it because we mostly communicate telepathically and I haven’t mastered the skill yet. I also think that I am funny and probably haven’t mastered that either.
I went to see my grandma today. Somehow, there was enough time to think about the things that I appreciate about her partner.. my life if very complicated.
As I got home, my phone rang and I accidentally answered it. It was my mother. She said that she had been afraid to contact me because she knew how stressed I had been and she did not want to add to it. I ended up getting stressed and asking her to call me back when she knew what she was asking me to do.
I needed a song for this random post so I went on YouTube and clicked on the first thing that appealed to me. I can’t say I specifically enjoy the song but I love the decor in her apartment and I suppose it’s appropriate.
It has been really nice to receive a few reassuring messages that sooth my heart.
Have I mentioned that I am terrified to start a new career tomorrow? I had 25 days off of work and I have been home for 35.
