I have had tons of things to say but nothing I have felt like writing down.
Music
Not while I still feel like this
When I was at the concert, I had the same realization – what if she did come with me. How would I react if she was standing with me when I heard a song like this for the first time. There was that moment in each show, plus the multitude of deeply seeded emotional songs that I didn’t even realize were ingrained in my being.
Ultimately, it was a stark reminder of my place. I constantly remind myself too. Thankfully, she has never actually told me that she didn’t love me and I am comfortably numb believing that she does.
In the moments that I stumble across the confusion as to how I ended up with such feelings.. I would never expect to find myself in such a situation. I know better – but then I remember – the path in which got me here.. I wouldn’t change anything in fear I would have never met her.. I would love for life to be easier on us both, but if it can not, I appreciate her in my life any way possible.
Anytime I feel like a horrible person, I think about that one post that I read that one time.. yeah the one that I most likely won’t ever forget, but that time I replied before I read it was one of the most embarrassing things that has happened to me – so I suppose it stands out. At the time I felt discriminated against. The older I get, the more I feel protected by the decission..
Emily knows me well. We have been friends since about 05 and she has seen me through my two major relationships. She saw both extremes and supported me through the heart break of my first love. When she was here a few weeks ago, she asked if I still loved Teal. I explained why I didn’t think that I did. I told her that I had seen both Teal and the woman that I have accidentally fallen for and have not seemed to find a way to get back despite great efforts.. and well – we talked about that for a while. She reminded me that it may have been her own decision that it wasn’t best to see me. It made sense..
I really appreciated it when she said, “It sounds like you are handling this very well and being very mature about it – you have grown up a lot.” It was true, but there was a level of respect here that I have never had for someone before, and the worst part is – I often wonder – …what she thinks.
There’s nothing that can’t be turned around
The Garbage concert was one of the best concerts I have been to, somehow they just keep getting better and better, but I was slightly distracted and found myself wanting a pause between songs so that I could check my messages… that never happens – and that is one of those reasons…
When the first song was #1 Crush, I think I blushed a little and thought the same thing I thought at the Melissa Etheridge concert… what would I have done if she had come with me, then she would be standing next to me as I felt some songs that meant a lot to me – it felt like quite the vulnerable place that I still did not know how to handle just yet.
There were a few songs that they didn’t play that I really wanted to hear, but it was a 2 hour set and she is 52… so I really can’t ask for anything more. If I were choosing a set list for San Antonio, Texas – I would probably think to leave Queer and Androgyny out too.. but it was an amazing show and they played a lot off of their self titled album and version 2.0 which are my favorites.
It’s only fear that makes you run
Today – work was busy and went by fast. It was my first full time day, but I have been working 40 hours a week this whole time, but I didn’t get benefits before.
I got a surprise message today, asking if I had passed my tests. I told her that I had and about my new GoPro that I rewarded myself with for getting a solid job within 3 months – really, 5 weeks.
Somehow while screwing with my phone while working, I seemingly blocked her. I found this as I went to glance at our message and it wasn’t there. I was pretty proud of myself for calmly and logically addressing the situation instead of assuming the worst. I searched her name and saw a big ‘unblock’ on her profile. That was a scary 30 seconds. It reminded me about how lucky I am to have her in my life. I feel ridiculous and I hope that she doesn’t mind at all. It reminded me how much tiny messages here and there mean to me.
I ave been really getting into my YouTube and video editing, even though I think my stuff is crap – the only way to improve it is to keep trying. When I watch my old videos, I am reminded how much I have grown. Teal and Emily have both complimented me on how mature I have become. I can’t say that I am mature at all but I do last about 8 hours a day as an adult.
Last night, I noticed that my two most popular YouTube videos were private. Each video had more views than my entire channel. I made the random video that is really nothing at all, I simply took it for liability reasons had 7,222 views as of today. When I made it public, my channel views went up to 14,284 views. I am thinking about editing the company name out of the top video. I was asked to take it down by my former company because “it made the company look bad.” I will be posting that letter here, because it’s funny and I love talking about it – but since then, they have hired me to work for their company, promoted me to someone in management and then let me go in a reduction in force, so, yes, I think I will put the video back online without the incriminating company name in it just for fun, and to up my channel views to over 26,000.
All my dreams have started breaking
I had a pretty emotional week, both good and sad. I helped Emily go through her late fathers things. I don’t think that she made it very far – it was really hard on her. Yesterday when I was seeing what she was up to, she said she had to take care of a few things in Austin, and then I realized my ex was marrying her friend – so I am sure that is where she was, just didn’t think she could tell me.
I have also really been keeping my distance from my ex but with that comes the desire to cuddle with someone or be sweet and close. I never really miss sex specifically but I miss intimacy and I have no desire to meet anyone so that’s a disappointing feeling.
And this is the first time I have seen the clip, but I had been told in the past that after you ‘concert’ so many women, you get a toaster over. In that joke, I don’t think whoever was saying it realized I don’t convert anyone.. I just sleep with straight women and get my heart broken. I am almost tired of this preference by now. I still believes that she has always identified as lesbian.. I just wish I was the lesbian she identified with..
Our thoughts compressed
Today is that day that we used to get so excited about, throw parties. skip work.. and here I am, on a Saturday, with a bad full, alone – because I am lame. I really can’t stand a lot of people, that’s why I meet someone that I could never get tired of being around, its a pretty big deal.. but then I usually have sex with them and make it weird somehow – and now I have no friends, because no one can handle dating me – and I don’t want to be around most people – at all. What a realization.
I think I am so hard on myself about that because, what if we never had dated, what if we had been just friends – then could we still hang out? Even though those are moments that I would never want to take back, if it meant that I could have someone like her in my life, I would. She knows that I had no idea at the time and I certainly didn’t know who. I had no idea there was anyone else at all; male, female or otherwise. And I know that there wasn’t at the time, which matters to me, but when we fast forward to the future that I could not have even imagined back then – here I am, reminding myself the same thing that I have been told for years.
Our thoughts compressed,
Which makes us blessed,
And makes for stormy weather
When my aunt found out I was gay, I was really young and she was heart broken. She said = I am not sad that you will never had children, because there are ways. I am sad that you will live a very difficult life and you have already had to deal with enough. At the time, I thought I was tough as nails. I had perfected some coping mechanisms that I would later be told were incredibly unhealthy – but it got me though. That took decades to undo, but I can cry plenty again.
My friend confessed she passed the test,
And we will never sever
When I met the lady that I try my best not to think about, I had done a pretty good job of distancing and disassociating. It had been about 5 years since I had felt anything real. After something really tragic happens, its nice once you can finally not feel anything. I guess that’s why people do hard drugs.. or anything for that matter but smoking does not make me forget things anymore. It lets me relax so that my mind wanders, right back to where it should not be, contemplating things that will probably never matter and no one understands. Why would I want to try to make sense out of something that will never have an answer? Mary Jane. That’s why. Funny right? But yes – it had been a few years. I had met women, I had been caught up in the attention, but it was nothing that I could not forget in a month of less. When I say it was the minute I saw her, I am not joking.. why would I – I am pretty much talking to myself here. I really didn’t know what to expect, the pictures she sent me were cute but I was not prepared for the feeling that I was about to have. I pretty much always have the same feeling but I am usually prepared for it now so when I walk into a wall of magic, I know what it is going to feel like.. unless – of course, I am being told to park closer, so I grudgingly comply only to glance up and find myself in the middle of a wall of magic and panic. We all know that I didn’t handle that well. I should have stayed in my original parking place and then we would have been walking up from the side as they went to their car and I would have seen first… though, when she smiles at me, my heart flutters.. I just wish I wasn’t such a damn nerd that acts like she has never seen a pretty lady before.
I was really embarrassed that day because I was with my ex and then I panicked and acted like a dumb ass..
Since I am playing Placebo here, I am going to throw in some Sleeping With Ghost and link back to the day that I bought the record and walked next door to get a sandwich.. I panicked that day too and over tipped him. My friend is as socially awkward as I am and saw so she over tipped him too. I later shared who he was and he brought us stuffed jalapenos that were too hot for us to eat but is was a sweet gesture because he is a sweet guy and even if he had poisoned him, sometimes I feel like I probably deserve it – but then it never stops me and they is what perplexes me. I am not that kind of person.
The craziest thing about that day is that I had drunk texted her the night before. I got really embarrassed by her reply. I ended up hanging out with Maddison for the first time that night. She laid it on thick and of course. Not much later she explained that it was nothing to be embarrassed about, she just didn’t remember what I was talking about.. but anyway it was just a big ball of fun – that is why I should not drink and text. I get all sad for no reason at all.
Just 19 and dream obscene with six months off for bad behavior
Wish You Were Here
Something, things are just too real to write about – so I just haven’t. Friday was my mother’s father’s birthday and she had plenty to say. Something has made me start recording my phone calls – mainly to protect myself – and by doing so, I captured a very heart-felt conversation from my mother that made me cry. I don’t know what to think about her leaving me as a baby but I can say that I feel like I am over it. She had horrible things to say about her parents, but then again, they did abandon her and her children. I am sure she has a lot of regrets about life but I didn’t really know what to say.
Then I have been fighting with Maddison constantly. I have been in a fit of rage all weekend. Just typing that makes me thing – yeah.. you should probably take your medicine and calm down… but I just won’t. When I feel like this, I feel like my medicine is a punishment and or an admittance to weakness or an issue. I know that no one likes me when I am mad.. so I keep to myself and it just gets worse.
Something about listening to my recorded concerts makes me feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like a tool when I am one of hundreds recording a concert – but I do put my phone away and ask friends to record once in a while – but it is hard to trust them to do a good job.. but unlike those other tools… I do a lot with my recordings. They help my practice my video editing, which I vowed to improve upon stumbling upon that one YouTube video so long ago.. and I have. I don’t use Final Cut but I think Filmora gets the job done. I would learn premier because I know it is a standard but I never have a computer that powerful so I settle..
I panic so much when too much of my money is out and being borrowed. I have been a mess and very vocal about it with maddison. She hates me right now and I could care less. For some reason I don’t even want to talk about anything directly – mainly because I don’t want to think about it. I hope that she moves soon.
She has spent hundreds on piercings and tattoos and still asks me for money. I try to say no but there is always some long drawn out sob story and she knows just how to get to me.
Today, I put my concert playlist on shuffle, and this song came up and since it couldn’t be more true… I used it. I went to the next video and it was a good one too.
She’s in love with herself
Some strange things have happened. It started last week when Maddison showed up with a random woman. We all went out to eat including the kids and Erin, the new woman, paid. Since then they have hung out a few times and I have been present for whatever reason and today, I find out that she keeps talking about how much she can’t stop thinking about me.
My ex mad sure to tell her that I was not interested in people or relationships but apparently she proceeded to talk about me all day – which I then had to hear about. When I got home, I asked, “Did you tell her I was in love with someone else?” That is totally my go to line even though I had told Maddison something different originally – we have joked about it plenty since. When I met Maddison, someone special had just moved to Colorado. I had spent a week off of work thinking about it and had what I considered to be a short, emotional conversation with her. It was the first time that she told me that she loved me and I didn’t really take that lightly, well..
Even though she was nothing of the sort and had not been anywhere near it for almost 3 years at this point, one day, when Maddison asked me why I looked sad, I simply replied: “My girlfriend-type-thing just moved to Colorado.” In my mind, I was saying that someone I felt very fond of and had a casual relationship with just moved away – that wasn’t even fact – but what she heard was, “said gf-whatever is far away.” So she started to try to find out how serious it was and I must not have kept up my act very well.
Maddison laughs and asks what she would think if she knew that I had said that. I think to myself that she probably wouldn’t be surprised in the least and I could only hope for a positive reaction.. well today as we discussed this woman, something made Maddison tell me she was interested in having a polyandrous relationship with me or something almost made her interested – well I suppose the confusion on my face lead her to explain whatever to me. I suppose I don’t understand a lot. I drifted off in thought and was no longer thinking about the people involved with what she was talking about. She used the word home base to describe something and I felt the jealousy remind me why no one would even consider making me a ‘side woman’ I suppose the cool kids say. I knew 3 women that were in a decent relationship. I always think about them.
I just like to remind myself, maybe I am just more important than.. those guys girlfriends or whatever I have concerned myself over.
I am glad that no one knows what I ask myself. Oh but the fun part. Somehow we circled back around to my question and she said, yes, I have told her that you are in love with Teal. I denied it but she never believes me. I told her that I have seen Teal many times recently and I don’t think I feel that way anymore, of course she didn’t believe me. I don’t know how she felt about what I did say – but I had to tell someone, and it was my ex.. I said.. I think I am in love with.. ___. She just said, “Oh…?” I just shrugged and said.. its not like it matters anyway. She thinks it’s funny. She said that she had never heard me say that before – the only thing that I could think was – yeah, because you wouldn’t have liked what would have happened if you said I couldn’t talk to her for some reason.. but anyway – there’s that.
It was about this time in 2016 that she left to Colorado. I wonder if she is thinking about me right now.. I wonder if I am awful for – whatever, everything. I try not to even look right as I turn left… doesn’t that count for something? If I had her willpower… our DM would be empty.
But this one time.. long long ago when I was a wild youngster – I saw Type O Negative at The White Rabbit.. I may have seen them there more than once. I know that one of the times Godhead opened for them.
One day I am going to get my ass kicked and I am going to completely deserve it. Today, I realized that I am far too comfortable in life – I take so many things for granted and I am incredibly lucky. Maybe that means my medicine is working well.. but anyway – in those thoughts, I stumbled across the ones where despite life, I trust him completely, and her completely and that’s super weird to say but if he makes her happy then I couldn’t be more appreciative. I still have extremely complicated feelings that I do not understand but I am not about to talk about them with anyone because – when she asked me not to, I stopped, and now – I just psychoanalyze myself and try to move past it without creeping myself out.
