The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.
Just when I think that I have my emotions under control, they consume me, keep me up all hours of the night and remind me of who I really am. Pills and busying myself only lasts so long. Em is at her fathers house, laying under a roof that he won’t sleep under anymore… I am sure that her thoughts are racing right now. It makes me completely guilty to be emotional in anyway at this point.
I’ll start with, I really dislike this video but love the song. It came on the radio as I was leaving work to go on my lunch break. It’s been a bad day. I always forget to take my medicine and today was one of those testing days. The agent that sits next to me left in tears saying that she needed to go to her doctor and I pretty much felt the same before 11. I am minutes before having to go back to work but here is my video for now.
Today, has been one of those days. A co-worker was out, so I was left juggling nearly 30 all center agents that all think they are the center of the universe. Really its probably only a quarter of them but it seems like a lot. I have been pissing people off left and right. After a long day of making my agents mad because they expect too much from me and getting yelled at and threaten by customers, I come home and have to deal with the two closest people telling me how much I don’t do for them. I offered to watch my sisters children during pride weekend and somehow ruined it and misunderstood when my brother wanted a ride to Subway so somehow I have ruined his night and he is going to starve. I didn’t respond appropriately, not that I even know what that would be. I cried some and then listened to the following songs. It started with a song that made me think about her the other day while I was in the grocery store. It reminded me of my blind and most likely stupid faith. The rest of the songs came on following it on YouTube. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt when she said, “I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you.” I suppose that would shock most anyone. Just give it time and I will find a way to fuck it up. I am pretty sure, I have always wished that someone thought about me when they heard this song..
For fun I decided to look up my horoscope today, because why not. I can’t feel like everyone hates me without blaming the universe or something, can I.
Since I am no longer a teenager, I was not sure where one would get a horoscope, so I just googled it and selected the Chicago’s news paper, because seems to be a legitment source:
Relations with others might be strained or aloof today. People are not sure which action to take or which direction to go. You probably feel the same way. Therefore, be ginger about whatever you do. Go gently. Avoid important decisions and avoid spending money on anything other than food or gas.
I have been an emotional mess lately but I think that I have also held it all together pretty well. It’s almost a shame that there is a pill for that.. well, at least a combination of pills, but I feel like it would be possible to do it without pills but I don’t know how to get the motivation and disciple that it takes so instead, I take pills, which take a level of disciple itself. It will be 4 years since I started this site next month. First, she told me that we couldn’t talk or see each other again and then a combination of a few calls and my supervisor at the time’s abrasive coaching method, lead me to walk out, schedule an appointment with my doctor and tell her that I needed to get back on my medicine. Since then she has added to it and on most days, I am just fine – but other days, even if I can stop the mental side of the anxiety, I still feel the physical affects and it lasts for days.
Today, I am struggling at work. There is someone that I really want to talk to and just walk with, but I can’t and that’s even more frusterating. Yesterday, I ended up getting stuck in Spring Break traffic on the way back from picking up a kid 300 miles away and nearly lost it. Some may claim I did lose it but I feel like that is all relative and the only witnesses are not the most credible for different reasons. The non verbal one has plenty of limitations but the other two, can’t share an unbiased opinion not to mention, one is eight years old. My free time has expired, so this will continue at a later date.
I am posting this dream a day later, so I hope that I have not forgotten much of it. The dream was the first dream in a series that I have had and been able to remember so well.
It’s hard to pin point exactly how it started, but I was over by a close friend’s house on my bike and somehow I ended up inside. I heard someone coming and knew that I wasn’t supposed to be there, so I hid in this room that seemed more like a pantry stacked full of random items. My friend’s partner came in the room and found me. I felt like I was hiding like a scared mouse. I was confused as to why I was in their house, but he seemed less than surprised.
I stood near the door way talking to him. The topic of conversation escapes me but it was a calm and casual conversation. She sat behind me shaking her head ‘no’ as if she didn’t want me to say something, but there was nothing controversial being said. I came to and left from the house a few times. The house was debilitates and the best way that I can describe it is it was like a rundown drug house. The front room was made out of a school bus that was falling apart and had been painted white. There seemed to be way too many people living there and I found out that she was sleeping on a pull out couch with several other people, so I urged her to leave with me. She never seemed willing to leave.
The area seemed like a war zone, I had to stay alert as I rode my bike over to her house each time. Once I was passing her house as I heard the car approaching, it sputtered and broke down right out side the house and I was attempting to help him fix it.
In one of the times that I was coming or going, I starting talking to this girl, she introduced herself with the same name as my friend. I didn’t think much of it but later I told my friend and she gave me a concerned look and told me that this girl’s name was Ophelia and she has no idea why she would lie and tell me otherwise. She suggested that I stay away from her because she was bad news.
Throughout the dream, I was trying to convince my friend that she should leave with me and that she deserved better than this. She continuously refused, but I could see in her eyes that she wanted to go.
At some point in my dream, I had had my bike right there with me and the next thing I knew, it was missing. I searched for it frantically for a moment and then suddenly gave up and just walked off.
After I told someone about my dream and started to think about it more, more details came back to me. I looked up a few things and I was surprised as to what I found.
The name Ophelia is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Ophelia is: Help.
To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own. If you are riding a push bike, then it means that you want to move forward at your own pace and by your own power.
Shack
To see a shack in your dream represents your undeveloped self. You need to expand your Self. Alternatively, the dream may also be a pun on “shacking up”.
Car
To dream that your car won’t start indicates that you are feeling powerless in some situation.
To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. However, you may be getting ready to reveal something and confess before somebody finds out. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher…), implies feelings of guilt.
To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life.
Tonight, I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the lady.. and by in front of — I mean that I sent her a text message that I questioned later – or 10. Drinking is bad m ‘kay. When you are sitting in a bar and something makes your think.. I should text the lady that I can’t get off my mind.. this text about an email that I sent her almost 2 years ago.. Don’t. You might spend the next forever and a half wondering what she is thinking.
Maybe I’m all messed up
Maybe I’m all messed up
Maybe I’m all messed up in you
I Grow Fonder Everyday Day,
Loose Myself in Time
Just Thinking of Your Name
This morning, I was day dreaming about the lady way too early. I listened to some Adele, sent her a revealing email and by that I mean completely sincere and open – nothing that modern day society may think.
YouTube took me to Tracy Chapman and then No Doubt. This is a song that I have known most of my life but today, I finally knew what it meant. I had been there. It described the last few years of my life.
The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed. Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life. That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation. It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday. In my opinion, I handled it very well. That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well. The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up. I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.
In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it. With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life. In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years. Since then, I have been promoted at work. I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with. I feel that way anyway. It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.
When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left. I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to. My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way. I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things. My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why. Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic. There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel. They see my face when I talk to her. My attempt to smile as she leaves. It’s nice when someone actually understands you. It seems to be so rare lately.
While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:
