Last night, I had the hardest time falling asleep.
I’ve been struggling with thinking about the fact that she is probably sleeping next to him every night and it’s been more agonizing than normal.
one and only
Trust me I’ve learned it
My day feels like a ‘Save the Polar bears’ commercial today and I would have to admin it is not my favorite.
Then I held my breath until she messaged me – and suddenly everything felt right again.
Sometimes the silence doesn’t bother me at all
Other times, it terrifies me.
I grow fonder every day
This morning I woke up with a swollen eye that hurt and itched. I called into work and went to the doctor. I haven’t been to the doctor since January when I lost my insurance, so I actually forgot who my ‘current’ doctor was. Through prescription medicine, I was able to track her down but I ended up going to the walk in clinic anyway because this town is getting too big.
When I was searching through my prescriptions I ended thinking about my psych doctor, which I don’t even completely understand. I have never been to one so I probably don’t even know what to expect. I thought about how we really don’t talk about a whole lot and remembered how he says I don’t trust him, but he is a really nice guy and says it in a nice old man way.
In Late January or February – somewhere in where when everything was falling apart but nothing had started to come back together yet, he said something that I didn’t really understand but it stuck with me. He said, “Well, you have situational depression – anyone would feel this way.” It stood out because it seemed like a dumb comment to me at the time, but for some reason, I felt hope when I realized that might be different than clinical depression – why does it even frickin’ matter… It doesn’t but most people that know me well, know that I fear ending up like my mother in any form or fashion, so maybe finding ways to separate myself from her just helps.
I escaped that conversation in my head and went into the doctor now that I can again. She seemed to think my eye looked pretty bad and inadvertantly made jokes about there was no way in hell I would be able to put this ointment in my eye. She did have to touch it and that was nearly as embarrassing as my annual exams – they tell me to relax.. whatever that means. There is no telling what my file says.
But most importantly, on the way to the doctor, this song came on and I could not help but sing it. Apparently, I know all the words. weird.
Nobody’s Perfect.. Trust Me I’ve Heard It
Tonight, I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the lady.. and by in front of — I mean that I sent her a text message that I questioned later – or 10. Drinking is bad m ‘kay. When you are sitting in a bar and something makes your think.. I should text the lady that I can’t get off my mind.. this text about an email that I sent her almost 2 years ago.. Don’t. You might spend the next forever and a half wondering what she is thinking.
Maybe I’m all messed up
Maybe I’m all messed up
Maybe I’m all messed up in you
I Grow Fonder Everyday Day,
Loose Myself in Time
Just Thinking of Your Name
baby it’s cold outside
It’s been a while since I have written. I tried to make some changes after I turned 31 and moving on was going to be one of them. That didn’t go as planned, but I did start dressing nicer at work, which flowed over into my daily life, because I am not one to change my outfit multiple times a day.
Since I last wrote, I started talking to a friend’s friend – and the entire time, I was more concerned with what M was going that what she was. She could obviously tell, asking if i was going on a date when I would see her.. I don’t know what it was that I did, but I made it suspicious and nothing was even going on. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I have had vivid dreams about her for the last 2 nights.
The first dream was us messaging each other online – which was supposed to be gmail in my mind, but it clearly wasn’t. It was more of a cheap version of instant messaging like you see on older movies complete with the Mac noise for message received.
In that dream, I asked something like “Does he trust me yet?” and she replied with, “There is no he.” Typing dialogue has always seemed difficult for me, so I will apologize now for blatantly ignoring grammar rules in this paragraph. I know how it is supposed to be but in my blog, it’s like this. I then made a half ass joke about respecting any pro nouns that a human wishes to use.. and she laughed, said she needed that and followed it by ‘That’s not what I meant.’
As I read her last words, my nervousness about her, that I was sure had faded – came right back – full force. I was nervous, shy and didn’t know what to say all of a sudden. She does that to me. I have been working for years to convince myself that she is just my friend and will never be anything else.. the sheer opportunity in my dream left me speechless.
That is actually a dream that I had last Friday night, because I was thinking about it as I was drunk and riding in my friend’s car home from a party Saturday night. I decided to keep it to myself, because – well, besides the fact that I deem it inappropriate.. I share way too much information with her and that is one more thing that I need to work on in this 31st year of life..
The dream that I had last night, leaves me thinking that I thought about that dream way too much over the weekend:
The dream last night was less detailed or I can not recall it as well as I can the other one. The part that stands out most of my facial expression and reaction. I really don’t think that there was more to the dream than this..
I guess I should start with saying that I haven’t talked to M much this month and last night she messaged me asking me how I was feeling. I have been sick. Simple things like a message or email from her leaves my head in the clouds for hours at least.. so that happened..
and then I had a dream at some point last night.
She seemed to be meeting me somewhere and said, ‘I’m still not really supposed to see you.’ I looked at her concerningly and said, ‘Okay.’ I have no idea what the next few words were but somehow she said, ‘Yeah, my new boyfriend’s name is Lawrence and he’s just not big on the idea.’ You can only image how much my heart sunk. It was so fast that it hit the floor and shattered and I know that it was all over my face. That is all that I can remember.. really – all I know is that she had a new boyfriend named Lawrence – the rest of it, I haven’t a clue. It was enough to bring my world to a crashing halt, thus reminding me that just because I can ignore my feelings if I want to, it doesn’t make them any less meaningful or extreme, they come right back the minute that I stop actively trying to ignore them.
Let me be your one and only
This morning, I almost told her that “Rumor Has It” by Adele makes me feel weird when I listen to it. I could have added that I still remember where I was and what I was doing when I noticed the lyrics… I decided not to. Instead I just told her about my dream that I had about her last night. We agreed to meet on Father’s day.. Sept 5th.. I’m an odd one.
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I painted a birthday card for her, or more like I painted on one.. it couldn’t be more perfect, if you ask me. Which leads to the next perfect thing:
and then my phone played this next:
On that note, I have never seen the notebook but I have heard that it is an incredibly romantic movie. Some people say I am a bit romantic.. though, I always wonder what she actually thinks about it all. It’s all – a little – irregular….