Last night, I had the hardest time falling asleep.
I’ve been struggling with thinking about the fact that she is probably sleeping next to him every night and it’s been more agonizing than normal.
Adele
Trust me I’ve learned it
My day feels like a ‘Save the Polar bears’ commercial today and I would have to admin it is not my favorite.
Then I held my breath until she messaged me – and suddenly everything felt right again.
Sometimes the silence doesn’t bother me at all
Other times, it terrifies me.
Let me photograph you in this light
When she says that she wants to be next to me, I feel like I could wait forever – but I hope I don’t really have to.
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
Oh, I’m so mad I’m getting old
It makes me reckless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
When we were young
My birthday is on the horizon and I am afraid that it puts me in my late 30s.
I grow fonder every day
This morning I woke up with a swollen eye that hurt and itched. I called into work and went to the doctor. I haven’t been to the doctor since January when I lost my insurance, so I actually forgot who my ‘current’ doctor was. Through prescription medicine, I was able to track her down but I ended up going to the walk in clinic anyway because this town is getting too big.
When I was searching through my prescriptions I ended thinking about my psych doctor, which I don’t even completely understand. I have never been to one so I probably don’t even know what to expect. I thought about how we really don’t talk about a whole lot and remembered how he says I don’t trust him, but he is a really nice guy and says it in a nice old man way.
In Late January or February – somewhere in where when everything was falling apart but nothing had started to come back together yet, he said something that I didn’t really understand but it stuck with me. He said, “Well, you have situational depression – anyone would feel this way.” It stood out because it seemed like a dumb comment to me at the time, but for some reason, I felt hope when I realized that might be different than clinical depression – why does it even frickin’ matter… It doesn’t but most people that know me well, know that I fear ending up like my mother in any form or fashion, so maybe finding ways to separate myself from her just helps.
I escaped that conversation in my head and went into the doctor now that I can again. She seemed to think my eye looked pretty bad and inadvertantly made jokes about there was no way in hell I would be able to put this ointment in my eye. She did have to touch it and that was nearly as embarrassing as my annual exams – they tell me to relax.. whatever that means. There is no telling what my file says.
But most importantly, on the way to the doctor, this song came on and I could not help but sing it. Apparently, I know all the words. weird.
Turned my sorrow into treasured gold
Every time I go to my psychiatrist, which is usually like every 3 months – he asks, how are you sleeping – how are your dreams? I usually don’t have a lot to say – but I know he thinks I have trust issues with him so I suppose I say plenty through things other than my words. He always extenuates that it is important to pay attention to our dreams and a specific theme of dreams came up last night – my least favorite – running* from gangsters**.
The basics in the dream were that I was at a party that turned out to be something that I didn’t expect it to be. Through a series of events I was being chased by gangster drug dealers at this party that wanted to kill me. The car was parked really far away so I had to make a run for it through the woods at some point. In the end, I can’t say that I ever made it to the car but I kept stopping and looking back because I had left the baby with a close friend there – because I know that she was safer there than with me but I had a hard time walking away.
As I typed out the dream a few times, here and to her mother when trying to calm down this morning, I realized how symbolic the dream was. I had to leave the 4 year old behind with someone I know would take care of her in order to save myself, but I still couldn’t bring myself to trust someone else and kept lingering.
*To dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.
**To dream that you are confronted or threatened by a gang signifies circumstances or situations in your waking life that are becoming overwhelming. You feel that you are being “ganged” up on.
To dream that you are at a party suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is a bad one, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.
Go to the ends of this Earth for you
I woke up feeling better than I have in years. I don’t know how to explain it any better than light and happy. That is all I am going to say about that. I am a peculiar little human.
This is a girl girl thing
Tonight was Lez Prom. Months ago, I was under the impression I was going, then she was taking the new girl, then she said I was the back up if the new girl didn’t want to go – and then she ended up taking her best friend because she thinks I want to get back with her. She doesn’t understand when I feel disrespected and used, she thinks that I am jealous, but really, I just don’t want to watch her kids so that she can go out with someone.
She ended up getting drunk and asking her best friend to take her to the new girl’s house. The best friend texted me asking if I was up because she was crying because Maddison was being a bitch to her and didn’t give a fuck about her feelings. It’s pretty bad when you exes best friend confides in you because she’s so mean.
It was nice to not care in the least. I expected to feel a little left out, but instead, I went to a friends house and helped them pack. I couldn’t keep M off my mind or the few words that meant more than I could imagine. I woke up feeling stronger than ever. I’ve resisted saying much to her, because I am sure that her situation is quite sensitive and I want to be aware so that I don’t cause any trouble.
My friends used to joke that the only way to get me to clean my house was to say that M was coming over. It was a running joke, apparently I don’t give a fuck quite often.. and then there she was. Everything else disappeared. Either way, I feel like cleaning my room and have been doing a great job.. I guess I just don’t want her to ever see what a mess I can be – but I am sure that she is quite aware.
Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time
‘Cause I like you
I’m giving you up I’ve forgiven it all
This morning, I woke up to facebook sharing one of my ‘memories’ with me. It was a post about a text I received from her, 5 years ago. It was a text of frustration with.. my debilitating personality disorders. I don’t even know if that’s a PC term but I have determined that I am atypical or whatever that term is, this is where i take a moment to look it up.
So what I was trying to say, is that I have decided that I am not neurotypical… I did see a psychiatrist recently, and he referred me to try EMDR therapy. I haven’t even looked it up because he said it wasn’t worth looking up because there is a lot of BS online. A lot of doctors have been telling me this a lot lately. They say… don’t even look up the side effects.. it will make you paranoid – so I don’t, but that just doesn’t seem right.
Anyway, as I explained to him that I feel like I have an overwhelming fear of death, not for myself but for everyone that is close to me. He explained to me that what I was describing was a fear of loss, not death. I can relate to that. He thinks I have some signs of PTSD and when I did research the EMDR very briefly, I believe it can be related to recovering from trauma. I really don’t think that I have any trauma to recover from, but it seems like there is n army out there that disagrees with that.
Between my rough childhood due to my mother, bullying in school because I was gay and then the constant verbal abuse from customers.. the doctor really wanted me to consider looking into another career because, he pointed out that… it doesn’t help matters any. We talked about money and how important it is for me to feel financially secure and how I’d rather risk my sanity, to ensure that I have money.. anyway, that’s how that went and I picked a therapist based on being downtown and I am quite sure that he is gay, but I guess I am only assuming based on his photo and voice over his voicemail.
When I left work to go on my lunch break, Naked Eyes were filling my head.
Then Adele took that nostalgia and trying to empower me.. but I don’t really think that worked.
There’s always so much that I want to say and an underlying fear that I am trying to respect your wishes, but what if you need me to step up instead…
Five years ago, I was in the dark. I didn’t understand what was going on. I blamed myself.
It was around that time that you bought your bike at Walmart. My sister has never had such a heartfelt conversation with me.
My niece say you and C at the store and wanted to run up to your in excitement. My sister saw yall and knew that yall were more than just friends and stopped her. She sat me down and tried to explain it to me. I told her that she was wrong and confused..
We were in the small bedroom when I mentioned that my neice saw you at Walmart, because I was always so excited and told you everything, you froze for less than a second.. that happened a lot, but I never realized why… until much later.
The same thing happened when we were walking down the road a few times on different topics…
Little did I know.
