• byShe Says • InGrammy Nominee • Comments Off on So it’s not hard to fall when you float like a cannon
My heart is racing and I don’t even know what to do with myself. There are two sides of my emotions and both of them are beaming but by the way I am just trying to stay calm really shows me how far I have come. It’s an energy that makes me want to run around in circles. Though the realist in me stops any celebrations until I knoiw that she is free.
After a long walk in the woods, I couldn’t be smiling more and I hardly even questioned if I failed once again because she has a way of telling me that I haven’t – though, there is a deep level of regret that I didn’t trust how I felt and wrote it off so many times before.
I don’t feel comfortable writing any meaningful words on here so I will add a handful of songs and then I’ll go and find some secure way to write down cherished memories.
In February 2022, days before the Russian and Ukrain war broke out, I hear Chris Cornell’s version of Nothing Compares to You. At the time I saw it called a Prince cover. Before that day, I did not realize that Sinéad O’Connor’s version was a cover. Now that all of the above have passed, I am going to see how Pink sounds covering it. Clearly all the lines are not applicable but I sure do enjoy a few of them. I cut and paste my pop songs the way that I like the best.
Driving away was so very hard today. I trust in the future completely and I get less afraid personally every day – globally, I can not say the same.
A touching performance after he just was told live in his concert.
When I see one of my snowflake obsidian rocks laying around, I think about how distraught I was just over 2 weeks ago. There I was, after a long day of helping a friend move. We had loaded a different friend’s truck full of trash that I was headed to go dump illegally at my old complex. My car had broken down the day before – so I knew that I better take advantage of my situation.
I stopped at my initials and saw the three rocks were still there, so I picked them up so they didn’t get left. One was a snow flake obsidian, one of a pyrite and I don’t remember the other one but it would have had some sort of protective property to make it into this mix. When I had set them there, I had known my time was running out.
When I turned left at the end of the street, I looked right and saw the Uhaul. I tried to distract myself as I approached my illegal activities. I pulled up to the dumpster, turned my lights out and started throwing trash bags into the dumpster. It filled up quicker than I thought. My friend met me there and unloaded her car as well and then we left back to go to my house – but I took a few detours. I knew that this may be my last chance with a vehicle for a while.
I didn’t have a plan but I had passion, I had fear, there was a sense of panic about me. As I approached the hill, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out 2 of my largest snowflake obsidian rocks. I held them tightly and thought all of the important words. As I got close to her house, I slowed down. I had planned to throw them towards the Uhaul in hopes that she may see them the next day and think about me a little – I was hoping to provoke a smile on a day that I thought may be extremely difficult for her. When it was time, I shyly through the rocks barely past the road if even that – I was afraid of hitting anything once it came down to it – I wasn’t throwing rocks to cause damage, I was throwing rocks to make her smile.
I may never know if those 2 rocks made it into her drive way at all. I am sure that I will never bring it up but in all reality – that is something that I would do. It just crosses my mind – and I am so thankful that it was not much longer later before my faith in humanity was restored. I shouldn’t be so flakey on such a thing – in reality – I believed in the future the entire time but the world knows that I was sincerely scared and quite the asshole from what I was told. Amazingly enough those claims stopped around the time my spirits were lifted. I’m well aware that I should be better at controlling my emotions, but I’m not and there’s that.
I didn’t stop there – as I went up the hill, I decided to deliver more rocks. It must have been about bar closing time because people were walking around and getting rides to their cars. I pulled up at her work and shamelessly walked over to a curb that I felt might be noticed and set 2 rocks. one was an agate and one may have been a sodalite but that is a guess. It still wasn’t enough. I had to calm my desire for her attention before I could ever go home – so I decided that it was a romantic idea to go over to the back door that she tells me she uses. I set a necklace that I have had for a long time back in a little crack or sorts behind conduit and then I set one more purple rock near it to grab her attention.
I’d like to think that it was much more likely for her to see any of than than my black rocks on asphalt getting ran over by cars. …and that is my story as to where my mind goes when I see one of my snowflake obsidian polished rocks.
In unrelated news – last night as I was trying to say something incredibly intimate, I accidently included – and I fantasize about you often in not so many words. It was at least 3AM many hours later before that occurred to me. She has very much already replied to my confessions in the most positive way but that didn’t stop it from keeping me up for hours realizing just what all those words actually said.
That night my heart was still echoing Uninvited
When that song started playing the night that I was at the show – I had the most 90s moment that I don’t even think that most people will understand so I will explain it to myself as this entire site is just documentation.
Somewhere as the confusion set it, wondering why I had never heard these words before on one my absolute favorite albums of all time. In that moment, the sound clip from the start of Rufio’s Like A Virgin from Pop goes Punk played in my head.
Actual clip because that’s no help:
And well, if you don’t know Dogma, then you don’t know. But I watched her sign Uninvited with so many questions about life and in that second, I would have sworn that I had never heard it before – just because I did skip a few of the songs. Perfect was too slow and sad for me as a kid too – but Mary Jane was just fine.
But don’t you worry, it doesn’t take very many electrons to make this unstable isotopes do a 360.
This week, I have been working from home because my car messed up last Thursday. I just parked it and didn’t look back – I had no time for bad news. Well, just before 5 PM I see that I have a text and check my phone and it is my aunt telling me that my grandma fell and hit her head and was on her way to the ER but my grandma wanted her to tell me. being stuck at home, trying to remain calm and work became extremely difficult. I didn’t really have any information and I knew that my aunt was busy dealing with that so I tried not to ask too many questions but I was in a panic. I certainly cried on many calls today – quietly but I think something you can tell.
Tomorrow, the 2nd is my grandmother’s wedding anniversary. I am pretty sure that it would be her 74th wedding anniversary but she probably only got to celebrate 51. He passed away a few months before their 52nd, unexpectedly – and I have been terrified of losing her ever since. None of her children thought she would live that long without him. They were so in love and the most positive influence in my life. For every time I have heard, “Damn, you’re pretty normal to come from all that” they have always been the reason. My father’s siblings included but I was a poor trailer trash kid that was barely making it that got to spend the weekends and summers in a very structured environment. It may have lead to plenty of psychological problems, but it wasn’t due to anything that ever happened there – I was very well taken care of. They all knew what my brother and I had to go through and they did everything they could to make sure that we had everything that we needed. My grandpa picked us up from school every Friday to go stay the weekend with them nearly until he passed.
Well, I am crying writing this and really need to get to bed but when I felt like I needed someone, I knew that she would be okay me with me needing a little support. I never expected her to actually read it past seeing it in a notification but she did more than that. I spent a few moments wondering if it was a dream but probably only due to my level of physical exhaustion and possible disbelief. I was actually getting into a U-Haul to drive it when I saw the message come in. I set my phone down nervously – I knew that I had to wait at least a few minutes before jumping to read it. That was hard but I am sure that I waited at least 5. Because – I was driving the U-Haul. When I looked at the notification, I had to screen shot it for that future love story that I am writing. It’s completely in my head but forming more and more every day. Today, during my attempts at being innocent, I used an octopus emoji and a turtle emoji – because how else will I say – all the things I wanted to say.
It wasn’t long before I thought about the irony in this match. How the turtle can hold its breath for many hours and is aquatic, it can not actually stay under the water forever. Then I had to go the other way, I have heard that an octopus can walk on land when it really needs to but it can’t stay out of the water long. It wasn’t long before I was wanting her to read The Little Mermaid to me and I don’t know the Disney version. I never even let my morbid day dreams of the drowning turning drift over to her digitally but I did spend the day writing up an email. There was lots of deleting – I wish I had a type writer so that I could rip the page out of it and crumple it up and throw it across the room each time I start over. Selecting all and deleting all of my words is just less satisfying.
My heart is beating a little different today. I don’t feel so alone. When I was stuck at my house – trying to work, thinking about my grandma in the ER, I was a mess. They sent her straight back and passed up everyone but I guess that is what 89 and 3/4 gets you. I actually can’t think about it at all without crying but I know that she is holding my hand and I am sure that she understands more than I do how important moments like this are. They wanted to keep her overnight because she has a concussion but my aunt didn’t want her staying in the ER with so many sick people – There are nearly 1,000 new cases reported in her county just in that day. It’s so sad that we are afraid of hospitals now – well, I always have been but I am afraid of most things. Like scheduling an appointment with a new doctor – that’s a catch 22 or something. The up side is that my boss thinks I am extremely dedicated when in reality, I am just afraid of getting kicked out of another one of my comfort zones.
On a completely different subject but related to an email that I sent that kind of makes me blush thinking back on it – I wonder if she knows that I haven’t been interested in a single woman since I met her? It’s a confusing fact because I have some self-defeating defense mechanisms and back in 2013 I was a much different person. I did run out to remind myself that people still wanted me. Then I ended up with Maddison because I thought that if I tried hard enough, I would eventually have feelings for someone – which in a way is true, I have plenty of feelings about her but none are romantic and they never were. I can’t find my point but in my email I am pretty sure that I told her that I had been messaging two girls to try to leave her alone. I hope someday she finds out how ridiculously innocent they were. To start with my profile only said friends because is by far all I want – unless our name is that one name, I will make any exception for her.
She is such an artist and with my heart is no exception. When I ended up reading the message that I spent about 20 days checking for, I just stared and read and reread. I told myself that’s not what she means by it. I reminded myself it was no accident and then I just let my weird R&B song that has worked it way into my days.
This is not my normal musical preference but in about middle school, I was all about r&b. There are 2 stations near me and when I hear a song I know, I stop to listen but when this one crossed my radio – it was the first time I could actually understand what the heck Nelly was saying but when I hear songs that speak to me like that, I just freeze – I can’t imagine who is picking out this sound track – they have me.
You win this time Nelly but I don’t plan to be touched by any more of your music.. but tonight, I am.
Then she said words to me. I need to go find her in dreamland. What will be the next 20 year old song that I ‘hear’ for the first time?
The last one was live and still has me slightly beside myself when I think about the way I felt as I understood the lyrics in the hardest way possible.
Sometimes I wonder about the subliminal messages that music has embedded in me: no reason.
Today, when I heard that she was sick, I was determined to learn to make vegetarian noodle soup, though I knew there wasn’t a chance that she’d ever get to try it – but before noon, I knew I was making soup for dinner.
I think I told her I was going to learn to make it for her or even practice, but I try to minimize my oddities that most laugh at – but the soup was good for anyone that would like to know.
Come Away With Me (2002)
Turn Me On (2002)
For the historical record and my future book, here is my first vegetarian soup, which I named noodle noodle soup.
This was the recipe (Classic Vegan Noodle Soup) that I based it off of but there were a lot of changes, because celery is gross and I don’t know how to buy onions. Did you know pearl onions are hard to dice? I thought it was a great idea so I didn’t have to store a cut onion. I also used egg noodles since I was not concerned about the vegan aspect only vegetarian.
Today, I sent hera message contemplating my bizarre timing since I saw her. I don’t know how she really feels about it because we mostly communicate telepathically and I haven’t mastered the skill yet. I also think that I am funny and probably haven’t mastered that either.
I went to see my grandma today. Somehow, there was enough time to think about the things that I appreciate about her partner.. my life if very complicated.
As I got home, my phone rang and I accidentally answered it. It was my mother. She said that she had been afraid to contact me because she knew how stressed I had been and she did not want to add to it. I ended up getting stressed and asking her to call me back when she knew what she was asking me to do.
I needed a song for this random post so I went on YouTube and clicked on the first thing that appealed to me. I can’t say I specifically enjoy the song but I love the decor in her apartment and I suppose it’s appropriate.
It has been really nice to receive a few reassuring messages that sooth my heart.
Have I mentioned that I am terrified to start a new career tomorrow? I had 25 days off of work and I have been home for 35.
As I go to type some nonsense, this song plays in the back of my mind but I can’t quite recognize it. I am not sure what I finally typed in to find it, but I am glad that I did.
You’re falling out of reach Defying gravity, yeah
And then I took it from there –
And if I don’t make it known that I’ve loved you all along
And since I have watched The Craft on VHS and DVD over 1,000 times, I will include this favorite.
doday, 101 X reminded me that Johnny Cash could put Trent Reznor in his place any day. This is only a compliment, I love Nine Inch Nails and I have a lot of respect for it all, when I was in high school, I didn’t understand and I was offended that a country singer would attempt a Nine Inch Nails song. A decade later, I hear it on the radio and it says something new that I have never heard before. I never thought that I would be the liar.
I must just be emotional today because the next song was Oasis’s Champagne Supernova which is another song that I have hear thousands of times, but it also seemed to send a message. Every day I feel like I learn something new about emotions. I wonder if I will ever understand.
Back in high school, I wasn’t really aware that Johnny Cash was a bad ass. I grew up in the country and despised much of the culture. It didn’t help that society had perpetuated that.
