This is a list of rock music genres consisting of subgenres of popular music that have roots in 1940s’ and 1950s’ rock and roll, and which developed into a distinct identity as rock music in the 1960s, particularly in the United Kingdom and the United States.
• byadmin • InMusic, Pop Rock, Rock • Comments Off on But I know I’ll do the right thing if the right thing is revealed
This morning, I woke up and up on Adele. I sung a few of my favorites as I for ready, “One and Only” being one of them. I lead to a text I sent, and somewhere in there the phrase in the title echoed somewhere deep inside. What I was able to articulate from what I was getting was not quite the same but somewhere after lunch it came to me. I could feel the tone of the song and I knew the emotion but I couldn’t place the actual words or even the song itself. Somewhere in the bank just before getting my third Dr. Pepper, it occurred to me, it was revealed not presented. Somehow I was able to piece together, ‘right thing is revealed’ and from there, goggle was able to tell me what I was thinking.
Staind – Epiphany (2001)
I saw Staind live with Marilyn Manson before the next song had even come out yet. It was on Halloween of 2003 in Dallas, TX. I drove all the way up to Davis, Oklahoma to pick up a friend and then we went back to Dallas (I lived a few hours south of Dallas) to go to the Smirnoff Music Center. I was not prepared for the traffic that I was about to run into that day and am lucky that I didn’t die in an awful car wreck. We missed Sevendust but made it in time to see Staind and then Marilyn Manson.
Staind – Right Here Waiting (2005)
One of my favorite Staid songs is actually a Metallica Cover, but I think it is worth throwing in here. I don’t remember which yeah I have been putting, so I will go with the year the song came out on the next one – not the year it was recorded.
That dream played over and over in my head today, even though I was quite busy, I still couldn’t shake it. When I first woke up from it, I was still pretty nervous – feeling like I just got screamed at in my face extremely aggressively but the more time passed, the more I just felt the elated emotions of her reaction.
There were moments in the day when I had the attitude of, “What the hell is he doing in my dreams? This is not how that is supposed to go.” I feel pretty stupid when I enjoy my dreams so much. There I was, in dreamland spending time with my dream lady – and there comes Mr. Ironic to fuck everything up. He isn’t quite a ‘beautiful wife’ by any means but that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t feel like it once in a while. Let it be known that my dream self does not plan to be submissive again. HAH okay I am joking – even if my compartmentalization game is strong, I can’t actually control my dreams or the way they leave me feeling.
This morning was actually my psych appointment. I have to go every 3 months because in early 2018. I decided to try going to MHMR since I felt the need to prove to everyone that I was trying not to be a raging asshole all of the time. Since then, my job has chanced and I escaped the abusive relationship that I ended up in so there really isn’t much left to talk about. He asks me about my dreams. I have shared themes of my reoccurring dreams with he, he confirmed they were anxiety dreams but I don’t typically share many details with him about anything. He knows that I am in love with someone that isn’t allowed to see me. On that front, he has actually been quite supportive. He has never told me that I should stay away from her or distance myself as he had about my ex and my previous job. He had wanted me to seek employment somewhere else, but I told him it simply wasn’t economical for me to do so – but then last year, they laid me off, so that took care of that problem.
Today, I told him about how the baby screaming and Shawn’s dogs whining really got to me the other day. I didn’t tell him that I took a Xanax over it and went to sleep. Those are supposed to be for emergencies – but when I was doing my best to be nice to a screaming kid that wanted the exact keyboard that I was using for more than an hour straight, I just couldn’t deal anymore.
What I want to know is why my dream self sheepishly just walked away when I was told to? Shouldn’t I be some sort of badass in my dreams? Couldn’t I have extended my overly muscely arm over and picked him up by the neck and told him, “If you fucking hurt her, I will kill you.” That’s what my dream self should do. Instead, I stood there as he screamed in my face telling me to get the hell out of his house. Once I was not frozen with fear, I started to leave, only pausing at the door to walk back and ask her is she was okay. That’s when she begged me just to go and said she would catch up with me shortly. I think one of the hardest parts about the dream is the her facial expressions that are stuck in my mind. She seemed so afraid and panicked. I just had to walk away, because I thought it was what she wanted – and it was so hard. The dream ended when I rode a silver mountain bike a few houses down to my own house.
After she said she would meet up with me soon, he added that she wouldn’t. The next moment is actually the most important part of it all because she very sternly said that she was not with him and he would not tell her what to do anymore. The strength in her voice allowed me to walk away knowing that she could emotionally handle the situation. It didn’t really make it easier, but I did walk away – because she asked me to.
This morning, I woke up from a dream – my whole body was tense and it felt like I had been having the dream for hours. I knew who it was about but I couldn’t place any details other than I was trying to get her to tell me something.
A few hours after I had been awake, some of the dream started to come back to me. My love and I were talking to my grandma and my grandma made jokes asking when I was going to get married so that I could have her a great-grand baby. My love chimed in and said, “Yeah, you better hurry up, you aren’t getting any younger.” She giggled a little and I didn’t respond right away but when we were alone, I asked her what she had said when we were with my grandma. She shied away and wouldn’t tell me what she had said but smiled and said that I knew what she had said.
That’s really all that I remember but I think it was so much more than that.
The woman that I love and I live blocks apart with a main road between us. I try to stay on my side.. but when I turn right to go down the hill, I often catch myself looking to the left where I can see up here hill. I actually feel some sort of guilt every time I catch myself looking in her direction – so often throughout history I have done everything possible to avoid it, but currently I don’t feel that bad and I don’t think she would mind if I looked her direction and saw what I perceive to be her car every once in a while.
Most everyone in my life knows that I am weird at this point. I have done my best to try not to share the details of my love affair with the world – and it really is no affair at all but it seems that everyone knows a little here and there and the small details that I do share usually leave me looking like a real fuck up – but… I could care less because the only opinion on the matter that I am concerned with is hers and I would like to think that I know a little bit about that by now.
Today, I came home on my lunch break which is a rarity but it seems that no one works on the Friday between Christmas and New Year’s Day so it leave the help desk a very slow and boring place, so I left. Somewhere in there I recognized that I am extremely spoiled but I moved past that quickly because it is all a matter of perspective.
On my way home, this time coming up the hill, I caught myself glancing right – only to see a van or something there. There is some sort of defense mechanism in my mind that leaves me making fun of myself – to myself but in an imaginary conversation with someone else. Today’s imaginary conversation was me telling her that someone is parked in her spot – because to me that is creepily hilarious.. but I only assume that she would laugh too. I hate when I am wrong about those things.
That conversation clearly didn’t happen because I appreciate her enjoying my company, but she is all too aware of my quirkiness. She may be the only person in the world that enjoys it – which leaves me the luckiest. She’s probably at work and I am here gushing about her on the internet to myself because that is totally normal. With all things considered, I just embrace it and in my heart, she does too.
If anyone else doesn’t like it – they can go fuck themselves. And that’s how I feel about that.
Creep (1992)
Karma Police (1997)
It was just the other day that I was thinking about how many times, I have accidentally said something just to have someone close to me look at me like – wow I had no idea you were a complete asshole. I suppose it affected me because I seem to think about it at all. I wouldn’t even try to explain myself because it is no one else’s business but I can assure the world that their original opinion of me is accurate as it just appears that way. I have my reasons and it is not what it looks like but there are levels to like that some people will never understand. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like I do.
This is a new complicated emotion that I am feeling and I must say, it is interrupting my sleep – which I love. I am actually still struggling with what I am even feeling but there must be something about the holidays that makes me want her close.
I actually try my best not to think about it. Sometimes I think that it is completely stupid that I tell myself a pacifist would wait at a distance and keep a close eye – because, how can you not when you love someone and worry about them. Does she know that I hold my breath?
Time means nothing to me, but what I fear – is standing by silently – trusting I will know if something were really wrong – and what if I am wrong. She once told me that she wasn’t the kind of person that needed to be checked on. It must have been a pretty serious situation, because I never forgot those words – however, I have found myself growing increasingly protective as I fall deeper in love with her. As a friend took a jab at me over something I said, she laughed and pointed out how must her own kids has grown up since then. That’s a hard thing to dispute as I see it in my nieces all of the time, but I have learned to have comebacks. This time I just smiled and said, “Yeah well, it happens to be my longest relationship – so you better respect it.” She shrugged and agreed because she has been there from the beginning. I gave her shit for asking her questions that I refused to when we hard first met. It’s interesting to think about those moments. I was so shy and nervous. I am not sure that she even knew yet. Damn, I miss her so much. I hope that I don’t make it to February 20th without seeing her. I don’t know why dates stay with me for so long, but there is something about sitting with her and talking. As I left, I asked. “Will I get to see you again?” She said yes…
I Love You (2006)
Memories trapped in time
Possession (2006)
Through this world I’ve stumbled So many times betrayed Trying to find an honest word To find the truth enslaved Oh you speak to me in riddles and You speak to me in rhymes My body aches to breathe your breath Your words keep me alive
• byadmin • InFolk, Music, Rock • Comments Off on I had no choice but to hear you
I would like to think that she thinks about me when she hears this song.
I am ridiculous sometimes but we have tickets to see Alanis Morissette in June. The concert happens to be the day before the 7 year anniversary of the day that we met. It will be a good show. I might get emotional.
Damn, tonight I am on a roll for wussing out. It started when I thought that I was going to write about “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie tonight but that switched gears when I got on a Mirror Ballroom kick about 10:30 tonight. By 11:00 I was messaging and asking her to come over (rhetorically – cam someone ever come over rhetorically? I may be altered) So I hypothetically ask her to come over – as in there’s no way in hell that I think there is a hundredth of a chance that she would, but for whatever reason, I think it’s fun to talk about.
Then when I got home to my silent house, I pulled up YouTube and one of my favorite videos were up on the front page which was Sarah McLachlan and Melissa Etheridge – so I clicked it. That is where the Mirror Ballroom spiral started.
There was a period of time that I was driving up to Southern Oklahoma and back. At that time, one of the albums in my car was Mirror Ballroom. I loved listening to a mix of Sarah Mclachlan, Ani DiFranco and Melissa Etheridge and I suppose that is resurfacing.
And then I tell her?! Maybe I should start writing a book on things that no one should ever do. I am quite sure that I am at least a few chapters in already. Tonight, I learn the value in my brother’s constant talking and interruption. I never have the time to drift down any rabbit holes.
My brother just said the realest shit to me and I don’t know why it is the first time that I have heard it. As he lectured me about things I shouldn’t do – I attempted to explain myself with the cliff notes version. I went back to December of 2013. The day I left work because I was mad about some other girl I didn’t even care about – but my pride was hurt because the cycle was repeating quickly. These were little cycles because I didn’t care, but I was trying to feel better about myself because I was confused and still didn’t understand much at all. I referenced the post that I stumbled across – so excitedly and replied to – and I know in that reply I brought attention to the fact that I had not read the post yet. When reflecting on this moment, I always feel her heart sink as she reads those words. Then we know what happens next, I read the post and a level of confusion that I had never experienced before surfaced. I was offended and wanted to know what was wrong with me. A question that I have decided to give up on because my brain has convinced me that it was so much more than that. The fact that I am where I am today only solidifies that. So in the end, why it happened doesn’t matter but what my brother said was:
You’re not emotionally stable enough to be a mess around with kind of girl.
Which I suppose I am fine with. I am much more emotionally stable that I have probably ever been and though a few people can push that limit when they actively try, I can’t say that he is wrong. I can tell myself one thing all day long but at the end of the day, those involved see that I am every bit of what someone would expect from me. A stereotypical Scorpio that has made every list of Scorpio traits nearly comical.
I try to remember my boundaries and stay on my side of the road but when I can’t resist, I make sure to be quite and respectful. I have so much to learn from her and I hope that she knows that I am more than ready for that adventure. I am no where near perfect but I have the desire and willpower to transgress into the next stage of my life if she ever decides that is something we should do.
This is one of the songs that my brother likes to play and sing, so I have heard it on repeat for years but when it came on the radio the other day on my drive to work – I paused all thoughts to listen.
