To hell with the consequence

February 2, 2020February 4, 2020 • by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock • 0

The night before last, (writing this on 2/3 about 2/2) I had an incredibly realistic dream that kept me in bed most of Sunday. How you might ask? When you are so relaxed and exactly where you want to be – it’s hard to wake up and walk away from that. I can’t say that I ever got back to my dream but I was relaxed and on cloud nine all morning – until I woke up and started to question everything that was life.

It woke up from the dream, which was only a few hours after I went to sleep and texted her to say something cute and suggestive. That would have never occurred during normal hours. So far, I am convinced that at that moment, I was still giggly and thought I realized it was just a dream quickly, I wasn’t convinced that it wasn’t somewhat real – which is damn near crazy and I know that but it’s what I have and I am not complaining.

Well in this dream., it was about so much more than I could possibly write. I couldn’t tell you where we were but she was laying up against me telling me the sweetest things she has ever said then she leaned in and started kissing me. This wasn’t like any dream kiss that I had ever had – not that I can really think of any others but there were sparks. In the next dream sequence something happened that upon recalling I don’t know how I would remember such a thing and then dream about it so many years later but is seemed quite accurate and then it advanced past any memories on to moments that have never happened before. In the dream, it was even a big deal to me.

That all ties back to a conversation we once had – one that I didn’t know how to respond to or what to say but something that seems to circle my hottest dreams. That is about all I am willing to say about those dreams – but it lead me to question a lot. I said a few things to her in real life that I probably wouldn’t have normally said including my initial text about the dream. This is where I will politely trail off.

And that’s the trouble with me

January 31, 2020February 1, 2020 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Dreams, Music, Rock • Comments Off

As February steadily approaches, I am reminded about my ridiculous emotions, the ones that try to over power with my rational ones. It’s been quite apparent that she is going through much more difficult challenges than I am. I just want to be loved and cared about – which I am. I don’t even pretend to know what’s going on over there – because there is what I believe and the truth and I know that they are not one in the same, so I really have no idea how I should think or feel – so I try to do what’s right all of the time and keep my lesbian beliefs and reactions to a minimum.

The above is all that I completed on January 31st but then I walked off to go busy myself at some point and never finished – so I will cut this short and say this:

On this day, I woke up to see that 7 years prior – I had a dream that I still vaguely remember. My turtles were roaming all over my house. There may have been snakes too but since I didn’t mention that, I am sure that was a different dream but I have had dreams of both. I will go back to dream dictionary today and post what the turtle symbolism is in full but I thought that it was quite interesting that I met the woman that I love just a few minutes later. This tells me that deep down in my heart, I knew that I was feeling withdrawn and really wanted to meet someone that I could really connect with – and then I did.

Here is the post that I woke up to on my facebook memories.

Turtle

To see a turtle in your dream symbolizes wisdom, faithfulness, longevity, and loyalty. It also suggests that you need to take it slow in some situation or relationship in your life. With time and patience, you will make steady progress. Alternatively, a turtle indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life. You are putting forth a hard exterior and not letting others in. As a result, you are feeling withdrawn.

To dream that you are being chased by a turtle indicates that you are hiding behind a facade, instead of confronting the things that are bothering you.

For today’s music or shall I say yesterday’s – I will be random as hell and put the first turtle song that entertained me.

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Yertle The Turtle

But I know I’ll do the right thing if the right thing is revealed

January 21, 2020January 21, 2020 • by admin • In Music, Pop Rock, Rock • Comments Off

This morning, I woke up and up on Adele. I sung a few of my favorites as I for ready, “One and Only” being one of them. I lead to a text I sent, and somewhere in there the phrase in the title echoed somewhere deep inside. What I was able to articulate from what I was getting was not quite the same but somewhere after lunch it came to me. I could feel the tone of the song and I knew the emotion but I couldn’t place the actual words or even the song itself. Somewhere in the bank just before getting my third Dr. Pepper, it occurred to me, it was revealed not presented. Somehow I was able to piece together, ‘right thing is revealed’ and from there, goggle was able to tell me what I was thinking.

Staind – Epiphany (2001)

I saw Staind live with Marilyn Manson before the next song had even come out yet. It was on Halloween of 2003 in Dallas, TX. I drove all the way up to Davis, Oklahoma to pick up a friend and then we went back to Dallas (I lived a few hours south of Dallas) to go to the Smirnoff Music Center. I was not prepared for the traffic that I was about to run into that day and am lucky that I didn’t die in an awful car wreck. We missed Sevendust but made it in time to see Staind and then Marilyn Manson.

Staind – Right Here Waiting (2005)

One of my favorite Staid songs is actually a Metallica Cover, but I think it is worth throwing in here. I don’t remember which yeah I have been putting, so I will go with the year the song came out on the next one – not the year it was recorded.

Staind – Nothing Else Matters

I promise you I’d never give up

January 9, 2020January 9, 2020 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop • Comments Off

That dream played over and over in my head today, even though I was quite busy, I still couldn’t shake it. When I first woke up from it, I was still pretty nervous – feeling like I just got screamed at in my face extremely aggressively but the more time passed, the more I just felt the elated emotions of her reaction.

There were moments in the day when I had the attitude of, “What the hell is he doing in my dreams? This is not how that is supposed to go.” I feel pretty stupid when I enjoy my dreams so much. There I was, in dreamland spending time with my dream lady – and there comes Mr. Ironic to fuck everything up. He isn’t quite a ‘beautiful wife’ by any means but that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t feel like it once in a while. Let it be known that my dream self does not plan to be submissive again. HAH okay I am joking – even if my compartmentalization game is strong, I can’t actually control my dreams or the way they leave me feeling.

This morning was actually my psych appointment. I have to go every 3 months because in early 2018. I decided to try going to MHMR since I felt the need to prove to everyone that I was trying not to be a raging asshole all of the time. Since then, my job has chanced and I escaped the abusive relationship that I ended up in so there really isn’t much left to talk about. He asks me about my dreams. I have shared themes of my reoccurring dreams with he, he confirmed they were anxiety dreams but I don’t typically share many details with him about anything. He knows that I am in love with someone that isn’t allowed to see me. On that front, he has actually been quite supportive. He has never told me that I should stay away from her or distance myself as he had about my ex and my previous job. He had wanted me to seek employment somewhere else, but I told him it simply wasn’t economical for me to do so – but then last year, they laid me off, so that took care of that problem.

Today, I told him about how the baby screaming and Shawn’s dogs whining really got to me the other day. I didn’t tell him that I took a Xanax over it and went to sleep. Those are supposed to be for emergencies – but when I was doing my best to be nice to a screaming kid that wanted the exact keyboard that I was using for more than an hour straight, I just couldn’t deal anymore.

What I want to know is why my dream self sheepishly just walked away when I was told to? Shouldn’t I be some sort of badass in my dreams? Couldn’t I have extended my overly muscely arm over and picked him up by the neck and told him, “If you fucking hurt her, I will kill you.” That’s what my dream self should do. Instead, I stood there as he screamed in my face telling me to get the hell out of his house. Once I was not frozen with fear, I started to leave, only pausing at the door to walk back and ask her is she was okay. That’s when she begged me just to go and said she would catch up with me shortly. I think one of the hardest parts about the dream is the her facial expressions that are stuck in my mind. She seemed so afraid and panicked. I just had to walk away, because I thought it was what she wanted – and it was so hard. The dream ended when I rode a silver mountain bike a few houses down to my own house.

After she said she would meet up with me soon, he added that she wouldn’t. The next moment is actually the most important part of it all because she very sternly said that she was not with him and he would not tell her what to do anymore. The strength in her voice allowed me to walk away knowing that she could emotionally handle the situation. It didn’t really make it easier, but I did walk away – because she asked me to.

If It Makes You Happy (1996)

Been Waiting for Tomorrow

January 5, 2020January 5, 2020 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Pop Rock, Post-Grunge • 0

This morning, I woke up from a dream – my whole body was tense and it felt like I had been having the dream for hours. I knew who it was about but I couldn’t place any details other than I was trying to get her to tell me something.

A few hours after I had been awake, some of the dream started to come back to me. My love and I were talking to my grandma and my grandma made jokes asking when I was going to get married so that I could have her a great-grand baby. My love chimed in and said, “Yeah, you better hurry up, you aren’t getting any younger.” She giggled a little and I didn’t respond right away but when we were alone, I asked her what she had said when we were with my grandma. She shied away and wouldn’t tell me what she had said but smiled and said that I knew what she had said.

That’s really all that I remember but I think it was so much more than that.

Somewhere in Between (2000)

According to SoundFacts.com this is what the song is about.

Phew, for a minute there

December 27, 2019January 5, 2020 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Rock • 0

The woman that I love and I live blocks apart with a main road between us. I try to stay on my side.. but when I turn right to go down the hill, I often catch myself looking to the left where I can see up here hill. I actually feel some sort of guilt every time I catch myself looking in her direction – so often throughout history I have done everything possible to avoid it, but currently I don’t feel that bad and I don’t think she would mind if I looked her direction and saw what I perceive to be her car every once in a while.

Most everyone in my life knows that I am weird at this point. I have done my best to try not to share the details of my love affair with the world – and it really is no affair at all but it seems that everyone knows a little here and there and the small details that I do share usually leave me looking like a real fuck up – but… I could care less because the only opinion on the matter that I am concerned with is hers and I would like to think that I know a little bit about that by now.

Today, I came home on my lunch break which is a rarity but it seems that no one works on the Friday between Christmas and New Year’s Day so it leave the help desk a very slow and boring place, so I left. Somewhere in there I recognized that I am extremely spoiled but I moved past that quickly because it is all a matter of perspective.

On my way home, this time coming up the hill, I caught myself glancing right – only to see a van or something there. There is some sort of defense mechanism in my mind that leaves me making fun of myself – to myself but in an imaginary conversation with someone else. Today’s imaginary conversation was me telling her that someone is parked in her spot – because to me that is creepily hilarious.. but I only assume that she would laugh too. I hate when I am wrong about those things.

That conversation clearly didn’t happen because I appreciate her enjoying my company, but she is all too aware of my quirkiness. She may be the only person in the world that enjoys it – which leaves me the luckiest. She’s probably at work and I am here gushing about her on the internet to myself because that is totally normal. With all things considered, I just embrace it and in my heart, she does too.

If anyone else doesn’t like it – they can go fuck themselves. And that’s how I feel about that.

Creep (1992)

Karma Police (1997)

It was just the other day that I was thinking about how many times, I have accidentally said something just to have someone close to me look at me like – wow I had no idea you were a complete asshole. I suppose it affected me because I seem to think about it at all. I wouldn’t even try to explain myself because it is no one else’s business but I can assure the world that their original opinion of me is accurate as it just appears that way. I have my reasons and it is not what it looks like but there are levels to like that some people will never understand. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like I do.

On My Island of Hope

December 26, 2019January 5, 2020 • by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop Rock, Soft Rock • Comments Off

This is a new complicated emotion that I am feeling and I must say, it is interrupting my sleep – which I love. I am actually still struggling with what I am even feeling but there must be something about the holidays that makes me want her close.

I actually try my best not to think about it. Sometimes I think that it is completely stupid that I tell myself a pacifist would wait at a distance and keep a close eye – because, how can you not when you love someone and worry about them. Does she know that I hold my breath?

Time means nothing to me, but what I fear – is standing by silently – trusting I will know if something were really wrong – and what if I am wrong. She once told me that she wasn’t the kind of person that needed to be checked on. It must have been a pretty serious situation, because I never forgot those words – however, I have found myself growing increasingly protective as I fall deeper in love with her. As a friend took a jab at me over something I said, she laughed and pointed out how must her own kids has grown up since then. That’s a hard thing to dispute as I see it in my nieces all of the time, but I have learned to have comebacks. This time I just smiled and said, “Yeah well, it happens to be my longest relationship – so you better respect it.” She shrugged and agreed because she has been there from the beginning. I gave her shit for asking her questions that I refused to when we hard first met. It’s interesting to think about those moments. I was so shy and nervous. I am not sure that she even knew yet. Damn, I miss her so much. I hope that I don’t make it to February 20th without seeing her. I don’t know why dates stay with me for so long, but there is something about sitting with her and talking. As I left, I asked. “Will I get to see you again?” She said yes…

I Love You (2006)

Memories trapped in time

Possession (2006)

Through this world I’ve stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word
To find the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
You speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath
Your words keep me alive
Mirror Ballroom

I had no choice but to hear you

December 18, 2019January 5, 2020 • by admin • In Folk, Music, Rock • Comments Off

I would like to think that she thinks about me when she hears this song.

I am ridiculous sometimes but we have tickets to see Alanis Morissette in June. The concert happens to be the day before the 7 year anniversary of the day that we met. It will be a good show. I might get emotional.

Rock