Last night I didn’t want to fall asleep, but once she did, it was okay to.
This was written before work – a rarity.
Rock
This is a list of rock music genres consisting of subgenres of popular music that have roots in 1940s’ and 1950s’ rock and roll, and which developed into a distinct identity as rock music in the 1960s, particularly in the United Kingdom and the United States.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
There is this new polar bear commercial that uses this song, but less than 30 seconds of it. They are about to ruin this song just like they did the Sarah McLachlan song that no one will ever hear the same again.
They keep playing it on the local channels that I have and it leaves a feeling in the pit of my stomach that would be hard for me to explain to most. If you read the other posts with it in them – I should it would be a start.
It leaves me grateful of where I am in life and it reminds me of how offended I was when it came out. I scoffed at the song and took it as a challenge. Over 6 years ago, I knew – that I wasn’t going to give up on her but I did have moments that I was desperate to hear from her and this song carved scars in my bones. Tonight, she tells me that she wants to bathe in the universe with me and I feel complete. Then I suggested that I would climb through her window for her. I sure hope that she always finds my quirks endearing and that I never cross over any weird lines.
My heart was broken before this song ever came out, so when it did – I was already ‘vying for her touch.’ With every note of the piano, my heart breaks a little more. The first few years that I heard this song was more than painful. I would listen to Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball, Rihanna’s Stay. I was the toughest of lesbians. Passenger’s ‘Let Her Go’ frequented my playlist – but there was something about this song that brought me to a halt every single time.
I am so certain of the way that it made me feel, I know that if I were to look back on old posts, I would mention that I wouldn’t really give up on her – but maybe I should stop emailing her.. daily.
There were times that I convinced myself to stop. There were moments that I let my friends convince me that I was bothering her and completely wrong not to mention the epitome of assholes. There was extreme guilt involved coming from multiple directions – but she had a way of always letting me know that was not the case.
Say Something
With you I’d walk anywhere.
There are a few songs that I have known my whole life – most being Jimmy Buffett or some variation of country from the mid 80s or earlier. It seems as though he has gained notoriety in recent years but he didn’t used to be that popular. I can remember being embarrassed that I listened to him, but many of those were my teenage years where anything would have embarrassed me. It was great exposure therapy and helped me get to the point that I am at now. I used to be incredibly shy and most people wouldn’t know it except that one lady that makes me question everything I know just by entering a room.
When it comes to Jimmy Buffett, there are a few songs that I feel get too much attention and this is one of them, but today it touched my heart all the same. She sent me a stunning photo and it lead to me quoting the following song. As I typed out the line and stopped, the song continued in my head. The next line was about California – which I thought was cute so then I wanted to listen to it. I forgot that the first line includes San Francisco, which happens to be where she was at that second in life and it just made me twinkle a little. Then I told her all about it and went on.
The other day, a friend posted this on the Internet and I joked with her that it was going to get me in trouble. This is completely unrelated to the post and kind of the song, but in my heart, its so related.
To hell with the consequence
The night before last, (writing this on 2/3 about 2/2) I had an incredibly realistic dream that kept me in bed most of Sunday. How you might ask? When you are so relaxed and exactly where you want to be – it’s hard to wake up and walk away from that. I can’t say that I ever got back to my dream but I was relaxed and on cloud nine all morning – until I woke up and started to question everything that was life.
It woke up from the dream, which was only a few hours after I went to sleep and texted her to say something cute and suggestive. That would have never occurred during normal hours. So far, I am convinced that at that moment, I was still giggly and thought I realized it was just a dream quickly, I wasn’t convinced that it wasn’t somewhat real – which is damn near crazy and I know that but it’s what I have and I am not complaining.
Well in this dream., it was about so much more than I could possibly write. I couldn’t tell you where we were but she was laying up against me telling me the sweetest things she has ever said then she leaned in and started kissing me. This wasn’t like any dream kiss that I had ever had – not that I can really think of any others but there were sparks. In the next dream sequence something happened that upon recalling I don’t know how I would remember such a thing and then dream about it so many years later but is seemed quite accurate and then it advanced past any memories on to moments that have never happened before. In the dream, it was even a big deal to me.
That all ties back to a conversation we once had – one that I didn’t know how to respond to or what to say but something that seems to circle my hottest dreams. That is about all I am willing to say about those dreams – but it lead me to question a lot. I said a few things to her in real life that I probably wouldn’t have normally said including my initial text about the dream. This is where I will politely trail off.
And that’s the trouble with me
As February steadily approaches, I am reminded about my ridiculous emotions, the ones that try to over power with my rational ones. It’s been quite apparent that she is going through much more difficult challenges than I am. I just want to be loved and cared about – which I am. I don’t even pretend to know what’s going on over there – because there is what I believe and the truth and I know that they are not one in the same, so I really have no idea how I should think or feel – so I try to do what’s right all of the time and keep my lesbian beliefs and reactions to a minimum.
The above is all that I completed on January 31st but then I walked off to go busy myself at some point and never finished – so I will cut this short and say this:
On this day, I woke up to see that 7 years prior – I had a dream that I still vaguely remember. My turtles were roaming all over my house. There may have been snakes too but since I didn’t mention that, I am sure that was a different dream but I have had dreams of both. I will go back to dream dictionary today and post what the turtle symbolism is in full but I thought that it was quite interesting that I met the woman that I love just a few minutes later. This tells me that deep down in my heart, I knew that I was feeling withdrawn and really wanted to meet someone that I could really connect with – and then I did.
Here is the post that I woke up to on my facebook memories.
To see a turtle in your dream symbolizes wisdom, faithfulness, longevity, and loyalty. It also suggests that you need to take it slow in some situation or relationship in your life. With time and patience, you will make steady progress. Alternatively, a turtle indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life. You are putting forth a hard exterior and not letting others in. As a result, you are feeling withdrawn.
To dream that you are being chased by a turtle indicates that you are hiding behind a facade, instead of confronting the things that are bothering you.
For today’s music or shall I say yesterday’s – I will be random as hell and put the first turtle song that entertained me.
Red Hot Chili Peppers: Yertle The Turtle
But I know I’ll do the right thing if the right thing is revealed
This morning, I woke up and up on Adele. I sung a few of my favorites as I for ready, “One and Only” being one of them. I lead to a text I sent, and somewhere in there the phrase in the title echoed somewhere deep inside. What I was able to articulate from what I was getting was not quite the same but somewhere after lunch it came to me. I could feel the tone of the song and I knew the emotion but I couldn’t place the actual words or even the song itself. Somewhere in the bank just before getting my third Dr. Pepper, it occurred to me, it was revealed not presented. Somehow I was able to piece together, ‘right thing is revealed’ and from there, goggle was able to tell me what I was thinking.
Staind – Epiphany (2001)
I saw Staind live with Marilyn Manson before the next song had even come out yet. It was on Halloween of 2003 in Dallas, TX. I drove all the way up to Davis, Oklahoma to pick up a friend and then we went back to Dallas (I lived a few hours south of Dallas) to go to the Smirnoff Music Center. I was not prepared for the traffic that I was about to run into that day and am lucky that I didn’t die in an awful car wreck. We missed Sevendust but made it in time to see Staind and then Marilyn Manson.
Staind – Right Here Waiting (2005)
One of my favorite Staid songs is actually a Metallica Cover, but I think it is worth throwing in here. I don’t remember which yeah I have been putting, so I will go with the year the song came out on the next one – not the year it was recorded.
Staind – Nothing Else Matters
I promise you I’d never give up
That dream played over and over in my head today, even though I was quite busy, I still couldn’t shake it. When I first woke up from it, I was still pretty nervous – feeling like I just got screamed at in my face extremely aggressively but the more time passed, the more I just felt the elated emotions of her reaction.
There were moments in the day when I had the attitude of, “What the hell is he doing in my dreams? This is not how that is supposed to go.” I feel pretty stupid when I enjoy my dreams so much. There I was, in dreamland spending time with my dream lady – and there comes Mr. Ironic to fuck everything up. He isn’t quite a ‘beautiful wife’ by any means but that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t feel like it once in a while. Let it be known that my dream self does not plan to be submissive again. HAH okay I am joking – even if my compartmentalization game is strong, I can’t actually control my dreams or the way they leave me feeling.
This morning was actually my psych appointment. I have to go every 3 months because in early 2018. I decided to try going to MHMR since I felt the need to prove to everyone that I was trying not to be a raging asshole all of the time. Since then, my job has chanced and I escaped the abusive relationship that I ended up in so there really isn’t much left to talk about. He asks me about my dreams. I have shared themes of my reoccurring dreams with he, he confirmed they were anxiety dreams but I don’t typically share many details with him about anything. He knows that I am in love with someone that isn’t allowed to see me. On that front, he has actually been quite supportive. He has never told me that I should stay away from her or distance myself as he had about my ex and my previous job. He had wanted me to seek employment somewhere else, but I told him it simply wasn’t economical for me to do so – but then last year, they laid me off, so that took care of that problem.
Today, I told him about how the baby screaming and Shawn’s dogs whining really got to me the other day. I didn’t tell him that I took a Xanax over it and went to sleep. Those are supposed to be for emergencies – but when I was doing my best to be nice to a screaming kid that wanted the exact keyboard that I was using for more than an hour straight, I just couldn’t deal anymore.
What I want to know is why my dream self sheepishly just walked away when I was told to? Shouldn’t I be some sort of badass in my dreams? Couldn’t I have extended my overly muscely arm over and picked him up by the neck and told him, “If you fucking hurt her, I will kill you.” That’s what my dream self should do. Instead, I stood there as he screamed in my face telling me to get the hell out of his house. Once I was not frozen with fear, I started to leave, only pausing at the door to walk back and ask her is she was okay. That’s when she begged me just to go and said she would catch up with me shortly. I think one of the hardest parts about the dream is the her facial expressions that are stuck in my mind. She seemed so afraid and panicked. I just had to walk away, because I thought it was what she wanted – and it was so hard. The dream ended when I rode a silver mountain bike a few houses down to my own house.
After she said she would meet up with me soon, he added that she wouldn’t. The next moment is actually the most important part of it all because she very sternly said that she was not with him and he would not tell her what to do anymore. The strength in her voice allowed me to walk away knowing that she could emotionally handle the situation. It didn’t really make it easier, but I did walk away – because she asked me to.
If It Makes You Happy (1996)
Been Waiting for Tomorrow
This morning, I woke up from a dream – my whole body was tense and it felt like I had been having the dream for hours. I knew who it was about but I couldn’t place any details other than I was trying to get her to tell me something.
A few hours after I had been awake, some of the dream started to come back to me. My love and I were talking to my grandma and my grandma made jokes asking when I was going to get married so that I could have her a great-grand baby. My love chimed in and said, “Yeah, you better hurry up, you aren’t getting any younger.” She giggled a little and I didn’t respond right away but when we were alone, I asked her what she had said when we were with my grandma. She shied away and wouldn’t tell me what she had said but smiled and said that I knew what she had said.
That’s really all that I remember but I think it was so much more than that.