This is a list of rock music genres consisting of subgenres of popular music that have roots in 1940s’ and 1950s’ rock and roll, and which developed into a distinct identity as rock music in the 1960s, particularly in the United Kingdom and the United States.
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Today, I got myself so worked up and I don’t even know how or why but I could not calm down for anything. It lasted all the way through work and even got me talked to at work. My boss did a very good job at not completely embarrassing me. He even complimented my normal calls which is exactly how to get me to do something. He was disappointing and not mad, which I respond to much better. I assured him that it wouldn’t happen again but I just still could not calm down.
My friend’s brother tested positive for covid 19 today and I was at his house yesterday. That introduced new fear in me. I was supposed to go see my sister and her kids today. Its my oldest niece’s 13th birthday today but I didn’t go because I was afraid that I could be carrying the virus once I heard he tested positive. He was getting tested so that he could return to the tour bus life with his band. They were all getting tested as a precaution – which didn’t work well for him, or maybe it did because he gets an extra week off of work. Fortunately, he has been getting paid this whole time, so I guess Shane Smith and the Saints have got it like that.
Towards the end of my day, I worked in a ‘just avoid him’ type statement to the lady and she responded in the best way. She really gets me and I want to be perfect for her one day – so I work on myself every day and try not to get overwhelmed like I do. Today was a rough day, but she had the nicest things to say to me and it really helped a lot.
Last night, I had the sweetest dream that is still giving me slightest chills when I think about it.
I seem to wake up with really strong emotions and only remember seconds of my dreams. This morning, I woke remembering her straddling my back and touching me softly. She squeezed my shoulders and then leaned in and softly kissed up the middle of my back near my shoulder blades as she ran her hands down my shoulders. The rush of endorphins seem to be what always wakes me up. I actually believe its more of a repeat of something that has happened before based on other dreams like that. She is the most sensual.. most delicate.. I am typically not into anyone touching me but I’d like to think that I was never like that with her.
It’s all a little funny when I think about it – though I try to stay out of those compartments in the brain. If I would have known the half of it, I would have reacted completely different and ruined everything – so in the end, I am delightfully happy that everything went the way it did and I became ridiculously attached to a woman that I can’t get enough of – I can’t imagine that was really her goal but I hope she enjoys it as much as I do.
I am left wanting her to teach me what I need to know – 7 years ago, I was not in the position to be everything I needed to be. Yesterday, I was driving, and thinking, because I can’t help that. I was scanning the radio stations and stopping at whatever caught my attention. I listened to several classic country songs that — okay one brought a tear to my eye so I will post it below the lesbian music of the post. Anyway, it left me thinking about The Field of Dreams. A movie that I insisted on watching a million times. I had about 3 I was stuck on. Now I have read that anxious children will do this. The world knew that I had everything against me – but I think that I am doing just fine and I believe that I have someone that loves me, despite her limitations and its more important than anything else in this superficial world to me. So – I convinced myself that I need to drag myself out of whatever depression that I have fallen into and redirect my energy.
Also, I drove to San Antonio and back twice yesterday because I left water boiling on my stove and remembered while I was at my grandma’s house. I called my dad and it was a whole ordeal but everything was fine. I learned that I need to stick with steal pots. Last time I left an aluminum pot on the stove too long, it melted. Nothing bad happened but I had hours of driving and thinking –
When left me telling myself, “Build it and She Will Come” which isn’t as easy as just building a baseball stadium like in the movie.. okay I guess that is not easy but – I need to continue to make the needed changes in my life so that I am not embarrassed if she randomly shows up. I need to live life as if I am ready and quit moping around all the damn time because I think I can tell the future based on a couple random things that could mean anything.
Anyway, I loved the moments of thinking about her lips gracing my back – the hair on my legs stand up if I even think about it. I am glad no one is counting how long it has been since someone has touched me. Most would think it was pathetic, I prefer to consider it wholesome. I am kind of grossed out when people try to get me to distract myself with someone else. I simply say, “but I am in love with….” and they follow it up with soo.. and try to convince me – but I have no desire what so ever and I often question what is wrong with people, but I suppose I should wonder – what is wrong with me? I don’t care – I don’t mind it at all – and maybe that is why my dad never dated again. Maybe when you are raised without so much sexual influence, you don’t feel the same as other people.
https://youtu.be/Z4IiRR__DWg
This song followed on YouTube.. so I kept it.
Then I learned a new song from YouTube
Country song that made me emotional because I’m a wuss.
One day. I heard a line in this song that stole my attention. so I listen to it once in a while.
Last night I threw an emotional fit, alone – because the Alanis Morisette concert that I have been waiting for since December.
I signed up to get a pre-sale ticket and those went so fast, I thought that I would be able to get a ticket with seats after pre-sale was over but those also went so fast that I ended up buying lawn tickets for $120 each – when the pre-sale lawn tickets that I thought I was too good for sold for $43 each. I was so pissed at myself – and NOW – I won’t even get to go. I didn’t really have the $240 to spare at the time but I did it because I thought that I would finally get to go to a concert with her. Hell, at the time, I thought that we would be living together by now and practically married – but I guess that is what happens when you life in a fantasy world and forget to ground yourself with reality.
Ultimately, I know not to depend on anyone but myself and to never get too excited over anything. When I get good news, I try my hardest not to tell anyone for fear that it will disappear before it ever happens. I grew up knowing that marriage wasn’t for people like me. I knew that my father would never be able to afford a wedding before I even understood that I was gay and once I realized I was not only poor but gay too – I knew there was no chance at ever having a normal, happy life – but it hasn’t kept me from dreaming about it.
In 1999 when I realized that I was only interested in women, there was no hope of legalized gay marriage and I thought that legal marijuana was just something people talked about – like feminism. The concept was great but the world would never stand for any of that. At the time, I didn’t even smoke but my dad did and I knew that it was enough to cause worry for my family. I knew that it made me have to lie to people that I loved if the topic ever came up. It was controversial before my sexuality ever existed.
Last night, I decided to complain about the supposed delivery time for my pizza to her. I had been smoking for hours with my 21 year old neighbor – basically I am a terrible influence. Then I proceeded to relentlessly flirt with that woman that I love, if anyone could ever perceive it as such.
I made an off handed remark about Stoner Pie and she asked if that is really what I had ordered – which it was. I was trying to introduce the neighbor to french fries on a pizza and then I mentioned that I also liked the jalapeno popper pizza – even though actual jalapeno poppers are usually too spicy for me. In this book that is my life, I was alluding to that time I went to the sandwich shop, dude was there and took my order. He is always pleasant with me because he is or at least was a but clueless – but there I was freaking the fuck out on the inside completely conflicted by my core values – but I knew what I had to do and I was fake as fuck, for her sake.
I had still felt bad and completely guilty, though that has been fading the more than she opens up to me, though I don’t know a thing about what goes on with them, which is fine with me because I couldn’t handle it anyway and she probably knows it. Basically, I over tipped him because I am awkward as fuck and I don’t know what the etiquette is when confronting enemies at the counter. So – I threw my money at him. What better way to say fuck you then handing someone a ten just because you can. I really have no idea what I tipped him but I am an asshole that always felt a but superior walking up in there, usually dressed for work, ordering food from him – but that really just makes me a jerk and it was really just over compensating for the inferiority that I actually felt because I knew damn well that he had what I wanted and there was nothing that I was going to do about it. At this point in time, she had just left the state but I didn’t seem to think I had a chance for what ever reason because 4 years ago today – I made a huge mistake by hanging out with Maddison, which is still negativly affecting my life – but I have her kids and especially the little one that still does not understand – and I just can’t abandon her and it is the most complicated.
Thankfully my love still talks to me and I like to believe that she understands because she too might have ended up in a situation that she just doesn’t know how to get of out – but that is my wild lesbian opinion and I try to remind myself of that. I used to be so extreme that I stopped trusting my own opinion. I am not stupid, just opinionated. As I was all the other extremists in any direction, I see the need for waiver. There is no need to be extreme in any direction, which is why I have been trying to step back since the day I realized it. It was somewhere around a fishing trip she had. Probably a day that pushed her away – as it should, but at the time – I was afraid to be close to anyone – so maybe it was subconscious on my side as well.
My lunch break is ending and I am rambling so I will connect the dots before leaving. When I saw the date, I realized that it had been 4 years to the date since he had given my friends and I free jalapeno poppers – because after I over tipped, she over tipped and then I had to explain myself to her. Here is the entries from that time period. I just surprise myself when that kind of thing happens – I am slightly amazed with myself when I fact check and I am correct about an event. Then I go and tell her and remind myself how insane I sound – and somehow she trusts me and talks to me anyway. That is a level of support I have never known. I am fortunate to know such a little human.
I don’t know why my emotions are running so hard or why I choose to read things that will naturally make me cry. If I was trying to distract myself from how badly I want to be her girlfriend and just… shake this fear I can’t get past – it worked, for a minute, but now that I am alone and crying softly at 4 AM in the morning, I want to be held even more.
This is one of the last things my little brother said to me before he passed away in July of that year. It haunts my entire family and its hurting more than usual.
Reading over that message from him just made me breakdown. It’s not very often that I just want to curl up and cry but today its pouring down. I don’t even want her to know how bad I am hurting so I hope that I can conceal it well enough.
My dog seems to be bothered by my crying. She is circling and staring and I feel bad for even inconveniencing my pup at all.
I keep getting stuck in a conversation with myself about what if she thinks I am acting different for a reason that is not why. Why I am acting like anything? I don’t know. I am terrified in life. Maybe it’s really related to me not taking my medicine. I am sure that I am not. Since I have been working from home, my daily routine is all thrown off. Its been about a month and a half by now and I don’t even know how many times I have taken it. I know that I ran out of one of them a good while ago – maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. In high school, I had issues sleeping. I struggled with my dreams bothering me but I can’t even place what they were that was so bad.
Beware of the flood of Rob Thomas that is about to spill over:
I had just had a used transmission put into my Mazda 5 because my driver’s side drive axle went out. I had to have both front axles replace. That was about 100 miles ago. Less than 20 miles ago, I had one of my struts replaced that I skipped before due to a budget. I am disappointed in The Silver Bullet and miss The Deathsled. I was turning a corner after a stop sign. I was going up hill and took the turn sharper than normal. I really have no idea what happened because it seemed like I hit something big out of no where – and once I got out, I pretty much confirmed that theory. There was a rock retaining wall and it seems that one of the large rocks was somewhat in the road. I should not have turned so sharply but I did not expect that to stop me in my tracks. If you must know – I hit a lot of curbs.
During a recent conversation with my father, I came to realize that I do much better with rear wheel drive cars. For the longest time, I drove a Dodge Stealth and I loved the shit out of that car, until I could no longer keep up with it’s maintenance – not that I ever could but around 2014 or so, my 1991 sports car started to deteriorate fast.
In 2017, when I moved and was in a terrible place, I sold it for $500 – a decision I have regretted since. Today, my sister’s boyfriend sent me this picture of a car he saw that looked just like it – and little did he know, I am quite sure that it is my car. I can tell by the way the clear coat is peeling and I was the one that put those rims on the car. They are police interceptor steal rims. It excites me to just see the pictures and almost makes me want to cry. I have been the most sensitive lately and feeling ever so lonely – but I remind myself that I am much stronger that many people that are much more lonely through out this pandemic and nearly feel guilty for even being sad. I have been battling my ego and thoughts for a few weeks now.
Last night I had two very strange dreams but I think an interesting fact to add is that right before I fell asleep, I accidentally video called here and I was beside myself. I went to bed early just because I was embarrassed.
The dream that I remember from that night was probably related. It took place across the street from my childhood home that I lived in until about 2nd grade. We had walked across the road to the neighbors house and they had some sort of gym / obstacle course set up for the public. As I approached, I realized that C was in line a few people ahead of me and suddenly I was concerned that I was topless and I didn’t want him to see me. So I went home to put a shirt on. I seem to have a lot of dreams where I am completely comfortable being topless and then something happens and suddenly I am not confident anymore. Before I got nervous, I saw that he was there with 2 women – and as I started to get nervous, I realized that neither were here. I started to get defensive for her and then realized she probably didn’t care or at least didn’t want to care so I did not take it upon myself to tell her. In my dream, I guess I wanted to protect her and did not want him seeing me. Possibly common themes in my life. Once I got back after putting a shirt on, he was no where to be seen.
The is the only dream that I had at night. I was watching the kid and she was asleep next to me. She wakes up earlier than I do so when she does, she wants to watch ‘shows’ on my phone. I had given her my phone and put something on and fallen back to sleep. It may have been my guilty conscience yelling at me but the next dream that I had involved a bus. I had been driving the bus with her in it down the highway and we stopped at my house on the way to the destination. She is 5 years old which will be relevant in a minute. In my dream, I came inside and told her I was going to take a nap and then next thing I know is that she is missing and so is the bus. Somehow I am able to call this 5 year old and I have found out that she has made it back to the highway with this bus. I keep telling her to pull over and she keeps telling me that she doesn’t know how. For some reason I have no car so now I am stuck calling her mom begging her to come get me so we can go find the kid who is out driving this bus. Basically, I could not get her to cooperate or take anything seriously and I was freaking the fuck out. I am going to throw some words down here too look at later then head to bed.
I have someone to meet in dream land and I would hate to be late. Since my eyes are growing heavy – I know that she must be waiting to hold me close.
To dream that you are in a gymnasium indicates that you need to apply what you learned and incorporate it into your daily life. Alternatively, the gym may be telling you that you need to get more exercise.
Obstacle Courses
To dream that you are going through an obstacle course symbolizes the hardships and difficulties that you are experiencing in your waking life. It represents the things that you must overcome in order to reach your goals. The elements in the obstacle course is analogous to the barriers and problems in your life.
Nudity indicates fear of exposure:
Becoming mortified at the realization that you are naked in a public place may reflect your fear of being exposed and feelings of shame. You may be hiding something and are afraid that others can see right through you. Hence, you dream of yourself naked!
Nudity indicates insecurity:
Your naked dream may also point to insecurity issues. You feel that all eyes are always on you – laughing at you, judging you or criticizing you. Being naked magnifies the notion that everyone is pointing at you and laughing. Most of the time, it’s all on your head.
Bus
Dreaming that you are driving a bus means that you are a group leader and a trend setter. If you are driving a stolen bus in your dream, then it means that you are taking drastic measures to get control of your destiny. You are refusing to go along with the system.
To dream that you are a bus driver suggests that you are moving forward quickly. You need to show more patience and less force. In particular, if you are a school bus driver, then it signifies that through knowledge and learning you will advance rapidly in life. Your dream may be connected with a new learning situation.
A month and 2 days ago, we were still going into work. My car had broken down on February 29th. It took a lot to make any progress on the repairs but while we struggled through it – my friend took me to work and a coworker, that has become a friend, brought me home. I guess this went on the first week of March and half of the next. By Wednesday the 11th, my morning ride didn’t feel well and had to bring me home. We actually started to leave but he had to turn around due to stomach issues. I contacted my boss and asked if he wanted me to take the day off – that had been his preference if I couldn’t make it into work up until today,
Surprisingly, he was quick to ask me to work from home and to log in as soon as possible. I jumped online right when I got back and could hook up my computer. It was busy from the time I logged in for nearly a week straight after that. Little did I know, my corporation that employees just under 10,000 people were about to send anyone that could work from home to work from home. I am part of a 9 person IT service desk – so suddenly we were extremely popular. My team has a station set up to work from home when needed because we are are in the same area and the entire service desk can not close in the event of bad weather or anything else that could disrupt service.
I stopped writing last night and lost my place but I have been working from home ever since. A lot of people have lost their jobs if not permanently, at least temporarily. She was lucky enough to be able to go back to a past job where other people she knows work – but that gives me a sense of fear that I can just not explain.
I am a fear ridden adult if I have ever met one. In the last week, I have started to fear that my dog will die and I will have no one here through this. I remind myself of this fear every time I get annoyed with her following me from room to room. She never leaves the house and it seems that this is all getting to her too.
Today, I discovered my favorite Freddy Mercury quote. I usually wouldn’t add such personal information, but I read it and didn’t really want to share it with anyone. The difference is – I do my best to avoid all my lovers.. as in, I have none.
