I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don’t know how far I’d go
To ease this precious ache
You don’t know how much I’d give
Rock
This is a list of rock music genres consisting of subgenres of popular music that have roots in 1940s’ and 1950s’ rock and roll, and which developed into a distinct identity as rock music in the 1960s, particularly in the United Kingdom and the United States.
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
And it’s my first time for this kind of thing
As I listened to the album, Dilate, way too many times, I start to pay more attention to a few lines at the end.
Somehow, all of my thoughts flow as I drive in my car, but at home I am rarely alone with my thoughts these days, so they will have to wait, I guess.
My brother is planning on leaving to Seattle in a week. I have mixed feelings about it all – but I am keeping on my attempt to trust people in what they need, so I am supporting him and helping him get on his feet there. All while fearing that something will happen to him or Grandma while he is gone. That may be that PTSD limiting my life again. I am glad that he can get past it or doesn’t have a fear of loss, whichever it is.
I won’t be the one who’s going to let you down
I have had tons of things to say but nothing I have felt like writing down.
Not while I still feel like this
When I was at the concert, I had the same realization – what if she did come with me. How would I react if she was standing with me when I heard a song like this for the first time. There was that moment in each show, plus the multitude of deeply seeded emotional songs that I didn’t even realize were ingrained in my being.
Ultimately, it was a stark reminder of my place. I constantly remind myself too. Thankfully, she has never actually told me that she didn’t love me and I am comfortably numb believing that she does.
In the moments that I stumble across the confusion as to how I ended up with such feelings.. I would never expect to find myself in such a situation. I know better – but then I remember – the path in which got me here.. I wouldn’t change anything in fear I would have never met her.. I would love for life to be easier on us both, but if it can not, I appreciate her in my life any way possible.
Anytime I feel like a horrible person, I think about that one post that I read that one time.. yeah the one that I most likely won’t ever forget, but that time I replied before I read it was one of the most embarrassing things that has happened to me – so I suppose it stands out. At the time I felt discriminated against. The older I get, the more I feel protected by the decission..
Emily knows me well. We have been friends since about 05 and she has seen me through my two major relationships. She saw both extremes and supported me through the heart break of my first love. When she was here a few weeks ago, she asked if I still loved Teal. I explained why I didn’t think that I did. I told her that I had seen both Teal and the woman that I have accidentally fallen for and have not seemed to find a way to get back despite great efforts.. and well – we talked about that for a while. She reminded me that it may have been her own decision that it wasn’t best to see me. It made sense..
I really appreciated it when she said, “It sounds like you are handling this very well and being very mature about it – you have grown up a lot.” It was true, but there was a level of respect here that I have never had for someone before, and the worst part is – I often wonder – …what she thinks.
There’s nothing that can’t be turned around
The Garbage concert was one of the best concerts I have been to, somehow they just keep getting better and better, but I was slightly distracted and found myself wanting a pause between songs so that I could check my messages… that never happens – and that is one of those reasons…
When the first song was #1 Crush, I think I blushed a little and thought the same thing I thought at the Melissa Etheridge concert… what would I have done if she had come with me, then she would be standing next to me as I felt some songs that meant a lot to me – it felt like quite the vulnerable place that I still did not know how to handle just yet.
There were a few songs that they didn’t play that I really wanted to hear, but it was a 2 hour set and she is 52… so I really can’t ask for anything more. If I were choosing a set list for San Antonio, Texas – I would probably think to leave Queer and Androgyny out too.. but it was an amazing show and they played a lot off of their self titled album and version 2.0 which are my favorites.
It’s only fear that makes you run
Today – work was busy and went by fast. It was my first full time day, but I have been working 40 hours a week this whole time, but I didn’t get benefits before.
I got a surprise message today, asking if I had passed my tests. I told her that I had and about my new GoPro that I rewarded myself with for getting a solid job within 3 months – really, 5 weeks.
Somehow while screwing with my phone while working, I seemingly blocked her. I found this as I went to glance at our message and it wasn’t there. I was pretty proud of myself for calmly and logically addressing the situation instead of assuming the worst. I searched her name and saw a big ‘unblock’ on her profile. That was a scary 30 seconds. It reminded me about how lucky I am to have her in my life. I feel ridiculous and I hope that she doesn’t mind at all. It reminded me how much tiny messages here and there mean to me.
I ave been really getting into my YouTube and video editing, even though I think my stuff is crap – the only way to improve it is to keep trying. When I watch my old videos, I am reminded how much I have grown. Teal and Emily have both complimented me on how mature I have become. I can’t say that I am mature at all but I do last about 8 hours a day as an adult.
Last night, I noticed that my two most popular YouTube videos were private. Each video had more views than my entire channel. I made the random video that is really nothing at all, I simply took it for liability reasons had 7,222 views as of today. When I made it public, my channel views went up to 14,284 views. I am thinking about editing the company name out of the top video. I was asked to take it down by my former company because “it made the company look bad.” I will be posting that letter here, because it’s funny and I love talking about it – but since then, they have hired me to work for their company, promoted me to someone in management and then let me go in a reduction in force, so, yes, I think I will put the video back online without the incriminating company name in it just for fun, and to up my channel views to over 26,000.
All my dreams have started breaking
I had a pretty emotional week, both good and sad. I helped Emily go through her late fathers things. I don’t think that she made it very far – it was really hard on her. Yesterday when I was seeing what she was up to, she said she had to take care of a few things in Austin, and then I realized my ex was marrying her friend – so I am sure that is where she was, just didn’t think she could tell me.
I have also really been keeping my distance from my ex but with that comes the desire to cuddle with someone or be sweet and close. I never really miss sex specifically but I miss intimacy and I have no desire to meet anyone so that’s a disappointing feeling.
And this is the first time I have seen the clip, but I had been told in the past that after you ‘concert’ so many women, you get a toaster over. In that joke, I don’t think whoever was saying it realized I don’t convert anyone.. I just sleep with straight women and get my heart broken. I am almost tired of this preference by now. I still believes that she has always identified as lesbian.. I just wish I was the lesbian she identified with..