‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles

Today, I sent her a message contemplating my bizarre timing since I saw her.  I don’t know how she really feels about it because we mostly communicate telepathically and I haven’t mastered the skill yet.  I also think that I am funny and probably haven’t mastered that either.

I went to see my grandma today.  Somehow, there was enough time to think about the things that I appreciate about her partner.. my life if very complicated.

As I got home, my phone rang and I accidentally answered it.  It was my mother.  She said that she had been afraid to contact me because she knew how stressed I had been and she did not want to add to it.  I ended up getting stressed and asking her to call me back when she knew what she was asking me to do.

I needed a song for this random post so I went on YouTube and clicked on the first thing that appealed to me.  I can’t say I specifically enjoy the song but I love the decor in her apartment and I suppose it’s appropriate.

It has been really nice to receive a few reassuring messages that sooth my heart.

Have I mentioned that I am terrified to start a new career tomorrow?  I had 25 days off of work and I have been home for 35.

A Minute of Silence

There she was like a picture
There she was, she was just the same
There she was, he just had to know she had not forgot his name

Trying his best to forget her
Trying his best to just keep his stride
Kept his word, but he knows he heard

Ulay, ulay, oh

I’ve gotta keep the calm before the storm

I fell asleep watching TV at her house last night.  She’s diagnosed bi-polar and has not found a medicine that works well for her, but I don’t know how much more I can take.  I made a folder on my computer were I saved her phone call recordings and messages in today.  She made so many threats to “fuck up my life,” I have no idea what she is planning.  She constantly calls me a psycho bitch and I am just tired of it.  I had a lot to do today, but I still stayed up with her at her house watching TV.  She sleeps all day and doesn’t work so she can’t sleep at night and wonders why.

Even when I am asleep, she talks to me all night long.  The last thing that I remember her saying was that she had to be up in a few hours.  Before any alarms went off, her 4 year old climbed in bed with us and laid in the middle.  She woke me up to tell me she peed.  She is potty trained but has been peeing the bed a lot lately, so pull ups it is.  I got up, changed her, she thanked me and went to sleep.  Once her brother was up by 6:20 getting ready, she was bouncing off the walls and I was not ready for all that.

I was trying to sleep, so I can’t even place when it all went wrong.  I think I offered to get her dressed so that I could leave.  She complained that it was no help to get her dressed early because she would just lay down (mom) and fall asleep instead of taking her to school.  Apparently this is now my problem, I try to offer to call her to make sure she is up and things because she constantly complains about her life and it’s just who I am to offer suggestions.  She was screaming at me so much, I can’t even remember what she was saying.  I wanted to leave but then she starts screaming about how I am abandoning them and walking out of their lives and all of this incredibly dramatic things for me just wanting to sleep because I had to take my swab mouth test today and I was not going to smoke all day – so sleeping would make that a whole lot easier.   Instead, I woke up at 6:20 AM to get screamed at for an hour – guess what didn’t help me not want to smoke – that.

Eventually I just walked out because I couldn’t handle it anymore.  She proceeded to send me facebook messages that were less than nice.  Luckily, I was able to fall asleep and I thought that I would at least have a little bit of peace because I thought we were no longer speaking.

I had a vet appointment for my dog.   Turns out she busted a ligament in her knee which is why she has been limping for a few weeks.  The options were surgery or medication to keep her comfortable.  With a price tag of $2,600, I had to decide against the surgery – but I am not really into surgery unless its required.  There are too many risks involved, especially at her age.  I have had her for about 8 years and she was not a puppy when I got her.  They gave her medicine for inflammation and joint health.  I was headed home from the vet when she starts asking me what I ordered and said it looked like drugs.  I assured her that I did not order drugs.  She had been going through my mail and decided she needed to know what something was she found in a package.

The truth was, I had no clue what I ordered.  Sometimes, Ebay is dangerous.  I haven’t bought much on it in years – but in 2019 – I have bought a few things, just because I can.  Once I realized what she was talking about, I told her they were just some rock thing.   Then she wanted to know what I was going to do with them – once again, I had no answer.  Art…

This leads me to ask her why she is going through my mail if we are no longer talking.  She denied that was ever the case.  She still has my mail at her house and will not respond to me to give it back.  Mainly, I also had this NES game that I have been waiting on and I would really like to play it – but now it is being held hostage because “of my attitude.”

I have put a call recording app on my cell phone, because of the things that she says to me.  Today she kept saying that if I am going to keep playing these games, she is going to fuck up my life more than I could ever imagine.  I asked her why she was threatening my life but she just said, I’m not threatening your life – you will still be alive.

She has claimed that she is going to pay her cell phone bill back to December once she gets her tax return, but she hasn’t even filed yet.  The phone is still on, I am still paying it for her – because I am scared of what she will do if I stop.  When she gets mad, she tells me that she is never going to pay her part of the phone bill.  It is getting close to $500 at this point because she wanted unlimited and a Note 9 – and what did my dumb ass do?  I had already bought her a Galaxy S7 Edge but as soon as that was paid off she needed a Note 9 and more than $500 is still owed on that as well.

When I talked to the prosecutor and signed the Affidavit of non prosecute, it asked if I had lost any money due to this – I really wish I remembered exactly what it said.  I kept trying to get her out of trouble, so I would answer the obvious answer on everything.  I don’t think that I should have tried so hard to sign that.  It wasn’t easy but she pressured me every day and acted like we were friends.  She actually acted like we were in a relationship.  I signed it on December 13th.  I thought we were together.  It was January first that I was made aware that we had broken up in November.  I couldn’t even remember how we got back together to start with because I had left for several months after the fight happened.  I am scared of her.  Scared because she is so unstable and does not seem to think about real life consequences.  She doesn’t think that rules apply to her.  She does not have a drivers licence.  Her registration is expired but she drives daily.

The day that she started to retaliate because I made it clear that I was aware she was going to the new girls house to have sex while she manipulated me in watching her children overnight – I went up to victim services.  I told them that she may make fault claims against me because she is mad at me.  Her best friend feels bad for me and tells me things once in a while so that I don’t get completely taken advantage of.  She warned me that Maddison was going to ask me for money.  Apparently she thinks that I have too much money and she doesn’t have enough.  I almost gave her a few hundred too.  She told me she had $7 to her name and she would pay me back by the 7th, but at this point, she owes me so much money for the damn phone bill – how can I ever trust her to pay me back at all.

At least a year ago, I put my name on her Chase bank account because I needed to deposit a check from my 401K and my credit union wasn’t on their list.  To be safe, the banker put my name on multiple accounts – I think it was 2 that she had.  In January, when she started seeing this girl – she went crazy with her money.  I don’t know exactly what she did but I think that it involved the square app and PayPal but somehow she over drew each of these accounts at least $1000.  I have no idea what happened because I do not have access to these accounts, but I am getting calls now and they are going to close the accounts if I don’t make a deposit in full – so I guess I will deal with that when it hits my credit.

It pissed me off when her friend told me that yesterday, as she was spending all of her money, she said – “I will just get money from Jen, she has 9 grand.”  Number one – I don’t have 9 grand and number two, why would she know how much money I have… It just makes me mad.  Then she screams at me that I never want to help when she needs it – referring to me wanting to go home at 7 AM instead of 7:30 because she thinks I need to personally make sure she wakes up and takes the kid to school.

I do believe I passed my mouth swab and the strangest thing happened.  The lady said – “If you do smoke, just know they will give you a UA again when you are hired on.”  I appreciate the warning but the hiring manager also covered that with me.  I guess they really want me to study for that test.

Not really sure how to feel about it

I watching Grown-ish and this song came on.

I used to listen to this song a lot.

The episode that I watched included this:

and then there was this:

I have been stuck in my head thinking about what happened at the Pizza place.  I haven’t heard from her sense.  I’m afraid that either C noticed and is mad or she was hurt by seeing me with Maddie, which I think would be unlikely – because I am sure that she knows how I feel – but I can’t help but wonder or worry that I screwed up some how.

At least she reads my messages – I am just more concerned that something is wrong but I ignore it because I don’t want her to think I am weird.

I will be brave

Nothing makes me feel tougher than listening to this song when it comes on.

I was buying shoes for my job interview when I received some words that made my heart beat a little differently.

When you are the weird kid in life, there’s nothing better than someone that believes in you.

I don’t even know who Christina Perri is – I always think this song is Paramore.

If I were gay I would listen to must like this – kidding, I wouldn’t..

The only reason that I like the last video is because of the first lines in the song.  Okay, well – maybe it’s not the only reason, but I would have not gotten as far into the song without the start.

Oh my life is changing everyday

Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.

I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.

Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.

When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.

The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.

Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.

Never opened myself this way

It took a lot to remain calm after the way my ex was talking to me today. She thinks that is it okay to call me asking me to help get her kids ready for school, only to complain about how I am doing. We are working on separating our things, including the phone bill, but in between, its a constant struggle to remain polite without being taken advantage of. I love seeing the kids and spending time with them but I want it on my own terms, not to benefit her.

There was plenty of crying and raising voices today, just like any other day. The four year old has started saying that mommy was loud and Jen cries. It’s sad.

Everything changed when I opened my IG this evening. I saw a red dot and didn’t know what it means, so I clicked it. It was only the best surprise and the last thing I expected.

Now I am holding my breathe until 2 PM tomorrow and smiling more than I have all year.

This song doesn’t have much relevance to much. At some point when I was trying to cheer myself up, I remembered a burned CD that I found in a computer at work back at TNI. I was pretty sad at the time and decided to listen to it to see what it was. It was some Coconut Records album. It was the first time and possibly only time I had heard of them – but I like the way it makes me feel. When I think of the West Coast, I think about when She landed in San Francisco and called me.  I may never forget that and can’t wait to see her tomorrow.  I might even sleep tonight to celebrate.  There is a part of me that wondered if I would ever hear from her again.

The Internet played this song a few minutes later and it is one of my favorite covers.

I wouldn’t mind visiting Lake Tahoe either, and this cover is pretty great too.

I saw Staind in concert with Sevendust and Marilyn Manson on Halloween of probably 2004. Was an interesting show. I missed Sevendust due to never driving on a 6 lane highway before. It was intense, in Dallas.