Music

The more it shows you really care, Right?

• by admin • In Music •   0

It is no secret that I flock to the hippy type girls. I may have no idea what they are talking about but I sure want to. The problem is, when they tell me to go read something, I do – until it freaks me out. Then I stop and decide that I don’t like that part. Decide this is different and well, we are already past that part. Well today, a former co worker, posts a the below and gets my attention. I start commenting with other people and she posts this video after explaining a few things. Well – I have an Offspring song for this but if she is my twin flame, I am honored to take every bit of pain I can for her. I wonder when she will realize that second to a hopeless romantic, I am somewhat masochistic in a very non sexual way – mental and physical pain are just a part of life – I am not afraid of them even if I cry like a baby the entire time.

She words shadow work keep coming up with me lately. My friend Nikki, joined me for karaoke last night and she pointed me to some reading that she thought would benefit me. The word trauma sure gets thrown around a lot in my research.

I am about to schedule an appointment with a new doctor at some fancy wellness center – that’s where my shadow work will start (I haven’t really read much so I have no damn clue like normal).

Lately, I have been craving the strangest thing. I have dreams that she is reading a book to me and I don’t even know what book yet but it keeps going. All I want to do is bury myself in the story just to listen to her voice. She is ridiculously sweet to me throughout the dream – nearly child like.

As stupid as it is, I never even get this shit, even though I think about it all day for days until I actually type it out. It wasn’t even that long ago that I popped off with, “What are daddy issues anyway?” when a blunt friend explained it very clearly. It went something like:

“Well, a lot of people have absent fathers. (Pause) You know how you and your brother have mommy issues, well its like that but with guys”

I don’t think that they meant to be so offensive but it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I actually wanted to start crying and ask if I really felt like this because my mom left me when I was so little. I know it still makes my dad cry if it ever comes up but somehow I was a hardened child and didn’t really think I cared but I knew what the alternate was so I was okay with her being gone – but I guess that was the older years. Anyway – I guess I have abandonment issues and now beautiful women that are nice to me have to deal with it. That’s certainly not something I am going to stand for. I will not be the abusive side of the twin flame or anything else, so here I am scheduling an appointment at some new place that will scan my brain and shit and give me medicine and therapy. I am sure I will hate it but I am committed to not being that asshole or an asshole at all. and.. I tried retaking my medicine on my own and have been sick as shit for days so if anyone is curious, I am not a qualified doctor.. Weird.

So there you have it on why I need to be a better person and go learn what shadow work is so that I can do it because I am not someone that will abandon her just because life is difficult. I welcome it. I may cry, but I will face our demons and try to keep them all on my side, because, I will find a way to be a protector somehow.. the right way.

Also, I am starting to get kind of hungry – have plenty of food but this weird thing happens. Someone told me it was autism but I don’t really know about that, it’s not all of the time. But between my medicine and everything else I just can’t eat and when I do, I can barely finish my plate. I just look at it, pick at it and then eventually let it get cold and throw it away.

This is when bean and cheese tacos from taco c come in handy but i have had those a few times. Carnation cookies and cream breakfast has been helping – I think, is this more than sugar? I am not sure. I know someone’s mom that probably not approve. However I am cold a lot now. When I shiver randomly this late at night, I go to turn the AC up and its already at 75. I wonder if she is falling asleep right now. I wonder if she is cold. I try not to wonder too hard because I need to keep my words on this side of 35 – and I am failing miserably.

As for my movie clip of the day, today, it was Oliver Twist, when I jokingly told Tamlyn that I was going to send the lady a message saying: Please Sir, May I have some more

Oliver Twist Please Sir Blank Template - Imgflip

It was after she had messaged her crush saying “excuse me sir” so I quickly retorted that I was going to start addressing M that way exclusively. and well, it morphed into a sad little orphan.

and if you must know how deeply seeding things can be, is when I see this, I am taken back to a paper cut out of a little news boy and the conversation that surrounded it. damn, I don’t even know how to explain that I am ridiculously into her masculine side in a unfamiliar way.

And one last thing, since this post seems to touch on metaphysics or whatever it may be called, I feel like this is a good place to write that when I asked her to pull a card for me the day that i got the message from M, she pulled the empress which was followed by a lot of uncomfortable questions that I answered matter factly as if I would even know.

She strayed away from the subject when she noticed that i wasnt handling the conversation well. She shifted into statements like it was a fluid card and it didnt necessarily mean that it could be symbolic. Then she said, well. it could be a reversed empress – and well, i havent a clue what that means but she showed me a list of things. It seemed pretty telling except the one I was avoiding. I ignored it for days and eventually asked her if this had anything to do with babies, but it was on IG and she doesnt read my messages anymore and I am sure that I have since deleted it or it has at least buried itself in good mornings and goodnights.

The Empress: Tarot Card Notebook: The Ghoulish Garb: 9781675646212: Amazon.com: Books

and lastly, on a person and knowingly weak note: I tried to start taking my medicine again and it made me so very sick. I just want to be held now.. and I wont even let myself day dream of being cuddled up to her. I sure wish I had an imagination that would just let me cuddle up to anyone, but no, I actually just want permission to day dream. If he only knew.

The darker it is around me

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music •   0

the easier it is to see inside

outside the glass
the whole world is magnified

and it’s half an inch
from here to the other side

I have yet to mention the shift in all the random ass memes and shit I have been seeing. Talk about my poems suddenly shifting from in love to devastated, how can accounts that I am following even do that?

This here was posted by some random human that I actually don’t know but I just had to save it somewhere – you know, in case I needed the perfect outline for any future letters. This is not some weird confession that I am bisexual, but don’t think I haven’t considered trying it several times over if it meant that I was treated like a normal human, but that all stems back to something old, from a post a read – that, I just don’t think goes on anymore, but as you can imagine, I never even asked.

But anyway.. this is my life and why I can’t have real friends. Well, it’s not like I do this often, but when I do – her boyfriend tells her to tell me to go fuck the right off.. it’s complicated..

May be a Twitter screenshot of text that says 'Lane Moore Washington DC Augus... @hellolanemoore bisexual friends be like "I value ur friendship and I am not objectifying you, and also you are so hot it makes me want to cry and I genuinely want to marry you, but only if you WANT to! and if you don't want to that's ok and I'll respectfully pine for you always, as a friend!!!" Posted in r/bi_irl by u/lack-of-identity reddit'

They think I make a big deal about nothing

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   0

It was today that all of these things crossed my mind:

Maybe she was showing me the ring in the photo of her blazer, I just told myself it was the same one that i already knew the story about

Letters Unsent:

Then I scrolled through all of our exchanged photos briefly – there were many highs and lows – I made it to the end and knew that you were not completely gone. I know you will come back someday.

I still cry a lot – but its been a long time. Well since the freeze, I am sure I cried during the freeze…

I have 2 friends trying to help me. They both seem to understand me, at least somehow – even though they have about 20 years between them. The younger one, Nikki, has been messaging me and seeing how I am doing – she has me reading about shadow work and sent me some link so I decided to go ahead and read it since I really have no room to be picky right now.

Tam, is who I asked to go to the concert with me, we met up with my friend, Jess from Houston and she gave an extra ticket to my sister so there were 4 of us. She has been a big help, she has been softly supporting me when I have no one to talk to. She’s homebound with a brain tumor, so I guess I felt like she was safe since she didn’t know other humans and lives in new braunfels. she’s the twin flame, tarot card hippy friend. she decided to inform me that she failed to fully explain twin flames and said it was much less romantic than i was expecting, so there’s that, for things I don’t know about but want to believe in, I know nothing.

This morning I woke up to a message of her quoting my IG saying, “Aspiring sensitive artist, more like inspiring sensistive artist” and that really hit me where it counts. I explained to her where the phrase came from and she said a few more things that I needed to hear. She has no idea why is he no longer her and certainly doesnt know its something so close to her but she loves my love for you and I can’t say that I get that often.

but I just really miss the connection we have and cant calm myself down thinking that ive just lost you forever and dont even know how or why.

i feel like if I even tried to completely open up, it would just be completely sad and I cant even allow that. but I dont need romatic love – its nearly a forien concept to me at this point, but I need unconditional love — or at least a little friendship like because you’d think that I lost my only friend over here and somehow – I am right back to hating my sexuality and excitement.. It’s a strange place to be.

there are tons of people in my life and I cant deny that but just because i know someone does not mean that I can stand them and it certainly doesnt mean that they mean a thing to me. I am not sure where I am going with this but I have decided that I am not going to send it so away it goes into the internet until I decide that it looks better in the trashcan.

And I will swallow my pride

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music, Pop, Rock •   0

What would she think if she could see me right now.. she’d be impressed that I could scream every word to these terrible songs that I have listened to since I owned my first CD…

and I do know.. deep down inside, she would be rooting for me.

but I am still crumbling.

YouTube picked every one of these damn songs – which only proves that I was never cool – only, extremely excited.

I stopped it after that one because it freaked me out. I have seen The Social Network and the way my random poems have changed is really fucking weird. A post with those to come because I have been saving them just because its unbelievable. I guess you notice what is on your mind.

I dress my face in stone

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

Last week, I worked from home the whole week because someone’s wife had covid. Today, I was one of the lucky ones that got to go back into the office because I wasn’t actually present for whatever meeting they were all ‘exposed’ in. Luckily for me, I have only been working in the office for half of the day and only about 2 of those are hours with other employees. It limits my exposure to all but about 3 people. It also leaves me with very little human interaction, which I usually do not mind at all but after the last few weeks I have had, I just don’t even know what to do to distract myself anymore.

It’s a stark reminder of why I can’t handle being in love. I need someone to talk to but I do not want to talk to anyone but her. Last night I kind of opened up to a random friend that knows a little because I had to explain to her what I meant when I told her that I was in love with someone. This friend happens to be someone that used to like me when we worked together before. She was a teenager so my first reason was that but later I explained to her that despite her age, I was still not interested because of my emotional involvement – it was a common thing to explain to women that thought I was making it all up but I kept it short and sweet and when they realized I was insane – they just left me alone anyway. Well, since she has been hearing about this for several years by now – since it seems faker then longer i said it to people – she was sweet about it. Reminded me that it was probably just as hard in her too and that if she wasn’t reading my messages there was most likely a good reason and the good reason certainly wasn’t that she hated me. I don’t know why it helps when people help me destroy irrational fears, but it does. So I have spent the day trying to remind myself to act my damn age and remember what was important. I still cried way too much but I think I did better. I really have no idea, I actually want to kick my own ass.

I stopped taking all of my mental health medication during covid because it didn’t seem like I needed it anymore. I never had anxiety attacks when I didn’t leave my house. Eventually I quit going to the doctor all together because I got a call from my counselor person saying that she took another job so someone else would be contacting me for my next appointment but then I decided that if she could quit, so could I and since my emotional outbursts were down like we have wanted to do, it seemed successful and I thought I was done. I can’t even remember which came first but here I am, in a new house, completely alone and I haven’t taken any of my medicine in months and I don’t even remember my last psych appointment but he was terrible at phone appointments anyway. In person he could ramble on and on and teach me things about myself that I didn’t know but once it was over the phone, he just asked a few basic questions and took my non answers and refilled the prescription. No one even called me to make that next appointment, A lot of people that go there really need it more than I do, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was worse off – but all that to say is that I guess I am worse off.

I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dream

But as bad as I am
I’m proud of the fact
That I’m worse than I seem

I guess I need to ask the lady if I am not as bad as I think…

Right now I feel pretty fucked up. After my friend reminded me that is probably just as hard on her that is on me – I have just wanted to protect her from me.

I am going to go take my medicine now – but I am going to continue to listen to songs that tear me to pieces.

But oh baby, maybe someday
Maybe somehow.

When my conservative aunt found out that I was a lesbian, she cried and the apologized. She said that she didn’t care that I was gay but that my life was already so hard, it just hurt her to know that it was only going to get harder.

At the time, I brushed it aside thinking that was just a nice thing to say – but the more social situations that I fail at, the more I think about her words and what she meant.

She wasn’t saying it because so many people hate gay people like I thought.

She was saying that she saw the sea of heart break coming my way.

I used to fight back.

I don’t even want to anymore. Now I just want to hang my head in shame and wonder why I ever thought love was possible. I am all over the place and all alone. Hungry and can’t it. Isn’t it Ironic… I don’t think.

Last thing, of all the songs at the concert that I knew would make me cry, this next one was not one that I had ever paid attention to before that night and well, its been haunting me since.

https://youtu.be/1veYTsVMsI0

And that is why I just want to cry and apologize for being such a damn lesbian all the time.

I don’t think war is noble

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   0

The last couple of weeks have been really difficult on me. I was left stunned and completely speechless when I read her message and then as the day went on and she never returned, my anxiety started to build. I must have been in some sort of denial telling me that she would come back and at least read my messages – but she still has not.

Everything she has said to me over the last three years or really the entire eight and a half years doesn’t just go away. I can’t forget the incredible things that she said nor can I shake the moments that were on the more tragic point in life.

When I woke up in the beginning of August, I knew that it was just a matter of time before she took a phone break for his birthday – now I am left hoping that it only lasts a month or even a year this time.

I am not sure what I was supposed to think or do. What did walking away even mean? Why did she say she wanted to live with me? Why oh why do I let this hurt so damn bad.

Last night I went to Austin, trying to go out with my sister. Things didn’t go as planned. I ended up crying in a gas station parking lot when my car didn’t start right away and almost drove off without taking the gas pump out of my car. A guy saw and ran over and stopped me – I was still crying at that point. I drove home from south Austin crying and not knowing what to do. That’s what I kept thinking about why he would be extra mad when he found out it was me and not the other way around. I thought about how I betrayed him – because I was so excited to know her – and now, I am not even allowed to know her.

I have been screaming every pop song that’s been speaking to me – and crying a lot. I am not cut out for war.

If shame had a face

• by admin • In Alternative, Music •   0

I didn’t see that coming at all – now I wish I never even bought these tickets.

I expected to listen to Jagged Little Pill tonight but it keeps making me cry.

Also, I almost died yesterday, accidently from being distracted. It would have been real bad for many. Thank you to the powers that put that second between me and the truck.

I wondered if she heard him lay on his horn. I had walked closer because it was the first time I had not seen her car – and it scared me. When I walked closer – I saw his so I turned to leave.. too quickly.