Today, I was driving to work and having a mock conversation in my head – quite sure that is an autistic thing but I try not to think about it. I have made plans to hang out with her friend in Sunday before she moves in with her boyfriend. She made a comment to me that her other lesbian friend will be there. So as I drifted off into though on the high way this morning – I though about how I should tell her that I am not a lesbian anymore – I was a lot of trouble when I was a lesbian but now I am demi sexual – still not into penis havers but not into women either, only one woman. It’s practically next to asexual in my book these days. Well as I was day dreaming about how I want to tell people I am demi sexual, this song came on. It keeps playing on the 90s station and bringing me back to middle school but today ‘it was right on time’ and made me smile so big. By lunch I found myself in a panic messaging her to check on her. By the time I was on the way to my grandma’s house to visit her – the lady of my dreams was restoring my faith in humanity and though I do not think its her job to do so, she is the only person that really can.

When I was in middle school, I was big into MTV and because of that, R&B. I would have said I was into rap and R&B because that is what the station was called but turns out – I still can’t stand rap.

A few days ago, Brandi and Monica came on the same station. I chuckle at myself to think about the song – but I just shake my head and I am happy that I am not that person anymore. I wonder what my future girlfriend would think if she knew that I have held on to our relationship 3x longer than any relationship that I have ever actually be in. She might realize I am just as pathetic as my mild obsession with sarah mclachlan and being able to cry. I don’t know why but its nice to be able to cry and be in touch with your emotions. I spent at least the first half of my life thinking it was a weakness only to find out how truly tough it was to actually feel everything without trying to mask or bury it.

Also, I must say, she really knows how to touch my heart. Its all too often that she says something that I never knew she read. I slight embarrassment comes over me and then I feel brave all over again because she never ever has made me feel crazy and I can promise that she has seen it all. I set off many years ago to show her who I really was. I wrote her every day for years even with no reply – wondering what she thought but knowing – I just wanted her to know me – on a level that no one else did. ..now here we are and I feel that I have been more open with her than anyone in my life.

Today I talked to my grandma about Roe vs Wade being over turned. I told her that I always believe there will be a hero that follows closely being any tragedy like this and will fix it before it has the chance to affect too many people. I presented this theory with positivity but my hope was fading fast. My grandmother is 90 years old. She has seen a lot being born in the early 30s. I was a bit surprised at how well educated she was on the subject and though I come from quite the conservative – straight out of the 50s family, she was very aware of all of the dangers. Was quick to assure me that she did not agree with the decision and she was terrified for all of the babies that would be born into awful situations. We spoke about what my experience was with the foster system and how bad it was for my younger siblings that we less than fortunate to have a family behind them. There is no question that nurture and nature both play an enormous part in psychology – I know 4 examples that paint a very interesting picture. I am the oldest so I have seen it all. If my father was someone else or did not have the support of his family, I have no idea where I would have ended up. My parents were both 22 when I was born, my mother was about a month shy of her 22nd birthday. I really don’t know how I survived abortion but somehow I did and so did my 3 siblings. The problem was that my mother wasn’t mentally stable but my father was not aware yet but he would become painfully aware within a few years. When it was clear that she was not fit, my father stepped up and took over. He didn’t intentionally keep us from her but she would come in and out of our lives depending on her living situation or lack there of.

She cheated on my father with someone she worked with from what I know. I have been against cheating my whole life and not that quiet about it. That just throws in a new dynamic that I am not even sure how to tie in but I can start by saying that I honestly do not feel like I have done anything wrong. It may be an early sign of some severe mental illness (in my mind it must be bad) or it may come down to that ethical question, I cant place the term I am searching for – I have never been the best at philosophy if that’s the correct subject. It centers around the idea of the greater good. Maybe its because I do not believe it is a real relationship, more so, I mean, consensual. I have asked her such offensive questions accidently when all I really was trying to ask was “…Why are you there?” I don’t know how to politely ask – ‘how did that dumb ass ever capture your attention’ but it seems THAT is where I feel I have crossed the line.

There is this picture of him in my middle school yearbook, he was such an awkward ugly boy – like bad. She is being loud and obnoxious with the theater teacher in the photo – that’s all I can really remember, maybe its at lunch, I really have no idea but when I think about how I was probably about twice his size back then – and I was right there. It’s really taught me that I should beat some random dudes ass if I can just in case he deserves it in the future.

Also, new revelation. The day I found out that she was living with HIM (I don’t remember what else was going on or know any other detail, I am quite great and staying oblivious). Well anyway, the minute I read that Planet K app, I went to facebook and messaged my friend. I was in a bit of a panic so I mixed up her and her best friend’s bfs names. I asked her what he was like to date and she said ‘a normal hs boyfriend, nothing special.’ and I asked, ‘nothing alarming?’ and she agreed – from what I remember – I don’t look back. Super embarrassing to me. Well, I took that as a relief and reminded me that he was mediocre at best and his parents were only from Spring Branch, no Bulverde. That’s one of the moments I realized how much this situation brought back high school trauma that I had not even recognized yet. I’m well aware that his parents have more money than either of mine. She’s probably quite aware of how unstable my mother is, I don’t really try to hide it anymore but I have come accustomed to not talking about it based on people’s reactions. In the end, I do not think that she really cares about that but like any intelligent human, I can only imagine that what you know feels more secure than what you don’t know. The biggest problem with my anxiety at this point is the fact that I see my friend’s children all the time. My friend that was murdered by her husband of 13 years because she was leaving him for real this time. He shot her in her neck and she died right in front of her 19 year old daughter. He ran out the back door and they caught him right then and there because she watched her mother die. I really avoid taking this there but the anniversary is – in a few weeks. I lived with them – her and her husband. Well they stayed in a spare room when I lived in a house with way too many people. I gave him shit for his shit attitude.

Oh my revelation was – that asking that girl I went to high school with how he was in HS left so many gaps and I just took it as he was safe just probably disappointing but I didn’t think about what alcohol and drugs could add to anyone’s personality and then I thought about her super normal looking family and realized she probably wouldn’t know misogamy if she saw it. There I was like: Fuck.

Would I have stepped in long ago if I didn’t really think she was confused as to who she wanted – I don’t believe that she has feelings for him at all anymore but maybe that is just my lesbian coming out. It’s actually my complete trust. I typically do not believe people can handle fragile objects like myself but she seems to take the greatest care to the point that I can even calm myself down.