Music
there’s no point in trying to pretend
Facing my fears was not easy, but I did it.. and even though everyone kept telling me how many people would be there and how it would be impossible for me to accidentally see them.. I did, at the very end. It was hard, but I survived.
Today is the day..
that I have been fearing and excited about for months. I will get to see a band I have wanted to see live for over 15 years.. at the expense of possibly seeing other things that I tell myself that I can handle. Those close to me know the truth.
I used to run it all, I used to be somebody
I have been spending time with her and it’s amazing, I couldn’t ask for anything more. The concert that leaves me with the fear of anxiety and the ‘unknown’ is approaching at alarming rates.
Then maybe you would understand why I feel this way about our love
It’s really no secret that I love 90s rock alternative. Today a song that I have always loved came on the radio right before I arrived at work. It played perfectly up until the point when I had to turn off my car and the song was just ending. I like when that happens. On the subject of secrets, it was months after she told me not to talk about our relationship to others that I realized just why it was a bad idea to share concerns and worries with your friends instead of the lady that causes the feelings..
All of my friends judge me and well.. her, terribly — because they just don’t understand. How could they? I hardly understand, but I continue to believe that I have a firm grip on what’s important.
As my friend gives me a run down of the drama that has ensued in her life lately, it really gave me a perspective as to how she might feel about the situation that we have ended up in.
It’s easy to feel like the victim when you feel like everything is going wrong and you just can’t understand why, but it’s much harder to step back and realize how your words and actions affect others. She has seen the fear in my eyes, but she has also seen the love.
Where did that point and purpose scurry off too? It is about that time where it has become lost again. There has been a few sayings that have given me hope and motivation lately. Last night I heard one in reference to my friend that is having some issues with her own romantical life… I know that is not a word, but it should be..
Someone told her, “If you are in love with two people at once, you should probably choose the second one.. because something was wrong with the first one to allow this to happen in the first place.” Now I don’t think those quotes should be on there, because the world knows that I can’t remember exactly what was said, but I heard what I needed to hear.
The other quote was in reference to enlightenment. I couldn’t even get close with that one because it was days ago but the gist was that one becomes enlightened when they can stop worrying about everything and start letting things take its course.. or thats what I got out of it anyway. Now it could just be the pills talking, but I have been feeling a lot better about things the more than she tells me, even if its hard to swallow at first. ..Everything happens for a reason.
In exciting news, I have plans to meet with my favorite lady today after work to get drinks at the coffee shop and go see her rockin new car today. Normally I would be more excited about the car.. but that’s not the case – that’s how you know it’s real.
and as for this lovely song.. She has never told me that she loved me before, except in my dreams.. hilarious but that’s a literal statement, however, if my opinion counts for anything, she’s told me that she loves me in so many more ways.. including a silent, wonderful look..
You know my heart’s a stereo that only plays for you
Today when I was on my way to work, one of my favorite cheesy songs came on. I emailed her the first day that I heard the song on the radio and told her that it made me think of her. From what I know it’s been out for a while but I heard it for the first time about a year ago.
No matter how I feel about our situation, when I hear this song, I get so excited and smile and remember why I think she’s so perfect for me… I’m gay like that.
One of my favorite lines is “And all I ask is that you don’t get mad at me, when you have to purchase mad D batteries”
It would be so hard to put my feelings into words about this song but that line reminds me of … well, how much trouble I can be.. I hear “Dating men is so much simpler” Since when was simple better. I’ll keep my D batteries, thanks.
I just want something I can never have
I left a concert once because I was feeling sick, the next act was Flyleaf, but I didn’t know who they were. I saw Kill Hannah, a band that is probably not around anymore. This morning when I was looking for a song to listen to, I stumbled upon this gem. It reminded me of the time I missed out on seeing a bad ass show by taking the easy way out.. I’m not sure why I think that’s pretty relivant. I guess it’s one of the small things that I’ve always regretted. I prefer the Trent Reznor version, but she’s easy on the eyes.
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
There is so much that I could say about this, but I still decide it is best to stay as quite as possible. I know how I feel and its hard to ignore all the ideas that cross my mind. After an unexplained chain of events, each of our last names are on my mailbox. It’s something that will make me smile to myself each day that I check the mail, until I realize it is just a piece of paper in a mailbox. I’ve had the best, most confusing feelings. My desire to do right and my passion for her seem to conflict quite often.