Music
Desperate for a revolution
You’re here, there’s nothing I fear
Spent 2.5 decades cringing when such songs played only to deeply listen and sing along as if the energy that is expelled will aid her on her tortuous journey.
I am quite convinced that my dream from last month is coming true and I don’t even care if that is slightly crazy one bit.
In other timely information, I started this site 9 years ago.
I left work crying that day.
She had told me that we couldn’t talk anymore for the first time. My world seemed to crumble. When I was at work, I got a call from a sweet older lady with the same name as her. I was in sales at the time and my boss must have been observing that call actively. The next call came in and my boss started trying to chastise me for not making a sales offer to the sweet old lady. It was hard enough to repeatedly say her name. I am quite sure that my next caller was able to hear me starting to softly cry as I was doing everything I could to make it through my day and then my boss was coming down hard on me for not making a sales offer to a sweet old woman that was probably telling me some heart breaking story in which I refused to accost her with an over priced service she doesn’t need – well – after that following call, I had made it to my lunch break, I walked straight up to my boss and told her that I wouldn’t be back after lunch, that I was sick and that I would get a doctor’s note. I am quite sure that my next move was to my primary doctor to get back on anxiety medication, which is usually my go to when I can’t handle life.
At the time, I would have never believed that I would be where I am 9 years later, in many ways, all of which I consider positive. (Somewhat – that is optimistically speaking). Either way, I would have been thrilled to know that she would even remember my name. As of 9 years ago, I was blindsided and expecting the worst and not seeing what was actually going on – that would take many more years or repeating this pattern before I would realize that it was not something I was imaging and my writing here helped that a lot.
The youtube playlist continued, so I will continue with the most nostalgic of music. This was one of the first 2 CDs I owned:
Livin’ a life that I can’t leave behind
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much
There’s that line in this song that takes me back to everything bagels and desperately listening. That laughter warms my heart more than I could describe. I’d do anything just to spend a little time with her.
Tonight has been hard and I feel I caused it with one bad decision and ridiculously terrible timing.
I should go listen to some Sarah McLachlan. There’s a woman that I can’t get off my mind. I just want to fight for her so badly.
Break free from the chains
It’s been really hard to write anything for the last year or so. It’s been far too imtemidating and quite honestly it is hard not to be fearful of everything that surrounds you at times.
On the first of this month, she surprised me by asking if I was okay. I had been feeling sick and probably was whining to her over messenger but I never expect that she will read it.
Despite monitoring my traffic heavily, I just can’t bring myself to express myself the way I once could – possibly a symbol of growth, but either way, my heart is content and I am searching for ways to untangle this mess.
Some travelling overground
Last night I had a dream about a snake. I was in a wooded area with 3 people. Someone moved something and a snake shot out. It was yellow and sped right for me eventually jumping and biting my hand. I yanked it off and started screaming for help. Someone came out of the house and the others ran towards me.
Please don’t take him just because you can
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
It has been too difficult to even write about. So many things have happened and I am left crying my eyes out in a house all alone. My puppy doesn’t know what to do but she is trying her hardest to comfort me.
I will skip ahead past all of the agonizing things I have been avoiding writing about. A few days ago I posted some meme about listening to Ani DiFranco and a random guy in my town said that School Night was one of the best songs ever. After I said that I would check it out as I did not know it, he warned me not to if I was having a good day. Since I had nothing to lose, I went straight for it after work. It took a few replays and reading the lyrics before it completely wrecked my world. I knew this movie and I did not know there was a sound track. There is a roller coaster of emotions that goes with this song and I am sure its easy to see which line digs the deepest – its the one that reminds me that no matter how soft I get, I am still a jealous lesbian and I don’t know that I can ever escape that.
I haven’t been able to talk to her in so long and its really getting to me. I feel like I did some stupid shit back on July 20th. It was an important day to me and the day prior I was at work and realized that it was the middle day between when my friend Jenn was murdered (July 15th) and the day my brother died (July 25th) so as I will, I took it as a sign that I had to find a way to check on her because I would not loose her to domestic violence or anything else.
Well things didn’t go as planned and I pretty much embarrassed myself while trying to be some super hero.
Here is my tragic song, though I consider it to reside around the middle of August 2013 so this will be a reflection of my agonizing past, and well, I really have no idea what the current reality is – I am so long and afraid of what I don’t understand, I just panic myself constantly while making all of the wrong decisions.
At this point I am putting my trust in her and believing that she knows best. It terrifies me to no end, but I just wait to hear from her, so patiently and possibly stupidly.
I’m already the asshole. I realized it just a few years ago, that he would be furious.. I knew it would be worse when he realized it was me. When I was younger, I was dilutional, I thought – he won’t hate me.. but at some point, it occurred to me that one day.. he would fucking hate me. and I feel.. that day has come.
That’s based on the information I absorbed mid panic attack at the Walgreen’s parking lot. I believe I referred to this Sunday adventure as in the CVS parking lot for the first month or so but once I calmed down I realized that.. that was clearly.. always a Walgreens but sure CVS when you can’t think straight.
It’s really hard that I only want to be part of one person’s life and somehow – I am not capable.