Today when I woke up, my exhaustion outweighed my motivation and as my co-workers talk to angry customers, I am updating my blog to myself with a song that I really liked as I was walking to Wake the Dead a few days ago to get lemonade.
Music
I could see, you home with me
There are a few songs that come on the radio that I just can not help but sing at full volume… usually with the windows down and somehow I feel like I always notice that I am driving past her street as I start to get into it… if she ever seems me.. it will be so embarrassing.. It’s not my fault that one of my best friends lives right down the road. She would probably just smile.
I’ve been called a hopeless romantic a lot in my life.. but I don’t think that it has ever felt this hopeless before.
While spending too much time looking at this computer today and listening to these songs.. I realized that this is my 105th post since I started writing on this site. It came after a day that she told me that we couldn’t talk anymore.. at all.. I’m just glad that that didn’t last forever. I would be her best friend over not knowing her any day..
As I read 9/11 stuff and was reminded of how important it is to tell people how you feel everyday – I have had a hard time not telling her that I love her. The closest that I have ever gotten was telling her that I deeply care about her. Besides this one email years ago when I told her that I knew that we were falling in love.. I say the dumbest shit sometimes, but I truly believe that she understands me and how I feel.
I’m not getting jealous don’t I like lookin’ like a clown
Thanks to public records and my curious mind, I knew exactly who had a birthday yesterday. Turns out, I’m 10 months older and 5 inches shorter… She cancelled on me twice in a row, I should probably just be used to it by now.
first a friend was coming down to hang out with her, I didn’t take that well. then she had to make ‘her friend’ a birthday cake.. yesterday. I will just keep hoping that he is really just her friend and move on. Maybe I will see her soon.. maybe I won’t. It’s nearly been a month.. but whose counting.
If I didn’t Say It, I Still Would Have Felt It
I don’t have to pretend, she doesn’t expect it from me
There are certain moments in our lives that make me see the progress. As long as I am moving forward, I am happy. We have had a history of… unconventional communication, to say the least. It had been about 2 weeks since we had gotten our hair cut together. I hadn’t really heard from her much, which is always hard on me. I am not sure how this song related at all, but it’s what is playing in my mind.
I feel like we get closer every day, even though I go weeks and sometimes months without even seeing her. Most of the talking is one sided but I truly believe that she likes my communication.. even though most would not agree with me.
Today I was reminded of how much I have grown up in the last 2 years.. I was at a local gas station.. read the condom wrapper next to me.. and I didn’t even puke.. exaggerated, maybe.. but yes, it happened. Then I contemplated sexuality and questioned my lack of desire.
Let me be your one and only
This morning, I almost told her that “Rumor Has It” by Adele makes me feel weird when I listen to it. I could have added that I still remember where I was and what I was doing when I noticed the lyrics… I decided not to. Instead I just told her about my dream that I had about her last night. We agreed to meet on Father’s day.. Sept 5th.. I’m an odd one.
I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
I Wish That I Had Charlie’s Girl
Today as I was driving home from work, I felt emotionally weak as I replaced Jesse’s name with Charlie in my head without intention.
I started feeling guilty and sad at the same time. Why do I have to love someone that is so taken.. and how will I ever know if she is happy or not.
The realization that I would rather live a life of solitude to ensure that the people that I love are truly happy, is not a foreign concept to me.
There is a lady that I would do anything for and I just want her to know that. No one would believe that I have no so much as kissed her since sometime in 2013 probably about mid October. The moments will last forever in my heart but I have since lost the date because the time frame no longer matters. There is no question, we have the most complex relationship that I have had with someone that is not related to me. That sounds weird as I type it, but it is not hard to tell I do not mean sexual relationship. I just wanted to broaden it to encompass every aspect of my life. There are so many reference points but its almost hard to keep them in order.
My thoughts have gotten so complicated on the matter. Things like the nine inch nails concert and the day she broke up with me play over and over in my head. Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about things that happened before I even met her, those are usually about him and so long ago. I’ve never thought so much or been so distracted by anyone. I honestly feel like she affects me in the most positive ways but I constantly worry that I negativity affect her life. The last thing I want to be is selfish but I also don’t want to be so passive that I see right past the truth.