I’ll start with, I really dislike this video but love the song. It came on the radio as I was leaving work to go on my lunch break. It’s been a bad day. I always forget to take my medicine and today was one of those testing days. The agent that sits next to me left in tears saying that she needed to go to her doctor and I pretty much felt the same before 11. I am minutes before having to go back to work but here is my video for now.
Today, has been one of those days. A co-worker was out, so I was left juggling nearly 30 all center agents that all think they are the center of the universe. Really its probably only a quarter of them but it seems like a lot. I have been pissing people off left and right. After a long day of making my agents mad because they expect too much from me and getting yelled at and threaten by customers, I come home and have to deal with the two closest people telling me how much I don’t do for them. I offered to watch my sisters children during pride weekend and somehow ruined it and misunderstood when my brother wanted a ride to Subway so somehow I have ruined his night and he is going to starve. I didn’t respond appropriately, not that I even know what that would be. I cried some and then listened to the following songs. It started with a song that made me think about her the other day while I was in the grocery store. It reminded me of my blind and most likely stupid faith. The rest of the songs came on following it on YouTube. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt when she said, “I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you.” I suppose that would shock most anyone. Just give it time and I will find a way to fuck it up. I am pretty sure, I have always wished that someone thought about me when they heard this song..
For fun I decided to look up my horoscope today, because why not. I can’t feel like everyone hates me without blaming the universe or something, can I.
Since I am no longer a teenager, I was not sure where one would get a horoscope, so I just googled it and selected the Chicago’s news paper, because seems to be a legitment source:
Relations with others might be strained or aloof today. People are not sure which action to take or which direction to go. You probably feel the same way. Therefore, be ginger about whatever you do. Go gently. Avoid important decisions and avoid spending money on anything other than food or gas.
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought it down
I’m so quick to tell her everything. I hope that she doesn’t hold it against me. Her roommate posted that they were all going to see Smashing Pumpkins on a mutual friend’s FB. I am constantly reminded of high school and the challenges that it brought to my life. I would like to think that I am long past that, since I graduated 15 years ago, but I felt myself exploring some deep places in my heart and soul last night. In the end, I felt ashamed to be who I am and completed defeated, so I was painfully reminded that the pain from the past isn’t really gone. This is pain that was caused by my peers, completely separate from the difficulties I faced at home. I hope that one day, people like me will be able to live outside of this.
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
On my way to work this morning, the original version, by Stevie Nix played on the radio. It’s about a 5 minute drive to work, so any great song playing during this time really makes my day. It took me to a place that I really didn’t need to be as I walked into work. I think that I fought back a few tears, wished that she could see past the surface and hoped for the best. I know that she has a deep rooted soul and I ‘hope and pray’ that she understands my deep connection and I don’t look like the standard maniac.. I feel guilty so often, but other times I just feel extremely dedicated and trusting. I’ve been lectured by about everyone that knows. My girlfriend even makes fun of me for certain things, often.
I met her just after she left the state. I tried the line, “I am in love with someone else..” and I even said something like, “I am sad because my girlfriend like thing moved away.” Those conversations come up often when people want to make fun of me. I have learned to roll with it, but what really matters, is what she thinks.
As we get uncomfortably close to one year since we have spoke..
I didn’t think the foreseeable future would be this long…
Just the other day, this song came on and read my mind
I went to another baby shower for another cousin. As I put my records away, trying to figure out which way should be up, I decide to send an email. While composing that email, I remember inviting her to my other cousin’s baby shower. She gave me the realest answer, which is all I ever wanted. She was too shy in a way and baby showers weren’t really her thing.. I wanted to remind her that they weren’t really my thing either – but I knew how my family would react if a brought a female guest, so I understood and went alone.
The last record that I put on the shelf before I sent the email was The Magic of Eddie Arnold. My grandma used to play his tapes in the car when we went on long road trips. He might be the most famous for “Cattle Call” but my favorite songs are below. Sometimes I wonder how M and T feel about the woman in my life.. I am sure they could care less, but what if I am wrong?
As I walked into my favorite Stripes, I saw there men crowded around this awesome old black Mustang. They were paying as I was using the ATM so I complimented them on the car. Turns out, it was the cashier’s car.. he is a nice guy, we all bonded over cars for a few minutes and it was a great moment and then I proceeded on with my day and came across this mix.
I was leaving the neighborhood as Santeria came on, and I played it way too loud and I passed her street..
And then Terrible Lie came on so I had to take a detour through the old neighborhood where we used to walk. That was be blasting 90s music from the minivan next to the elementary school today.
Then 99.5 thought that I needed a little Staind in my life after that.
Purely for camedic value, they through in Dirty Deeds..
I reached by destination by the time that Forty Six and two was ending. It felt powerful but no one would understand.
I have been an emotional mess lately but I think that I have also held it all together pretty well. It’s almost a shame that there is a pill for that.. well, at least a combination of pills, but I feel like it would be possible to do it without pills but I don’t know how to get the motivation and disciple that it takes so instead, I take pills, which take a level of disciple itself. It will be 4 years since I started this site next month. First, she told me that we couldn’t talk or see each other again and then a combination of a few calls and my supervisor at the time’s abrasive coaching method, lead me to walk out, schedule an appointment with my doctor and tell her that I needed to get back on my medicine. Since then she has added to it and on most days, I am just fine – but other days, even if I can stop the mental side of the anxiety, I still feel the physical affects and it lasts for days.
Today, I am struggling at work. There is someone that I really want to talk to and just walk with, but I can’t and that’s even more frusterating. Yesterday, I ended up getting stuck in Spring Break traffic on the way back from picking up a kid 300 miles away and nearly lost it. Some may claim I did lose it but I feel like that is all relative and the only witnesses are not the most credible for different reasons. The non verbal one has plenty of limitations but the other two, can’t share an unbiased opinion not to mention, one is eight years old. My free time has expired, so this will continue at a later date.