This morning, as I headed to work, I wondered if her number was still the same because I plan on texting her tomorrow. It’s an important day.
I wondered how she felt about my current situation. The interruption of the work day put that though to rest.
It reminded me that life is never what it seems.
Youtube decided that I needed to listen to this song:
As I go to type some nonsense, this song plays in the back of my mind but I can’t quite recognize it. I am not sure what I finally typed in to find it, but I am glad that I did.
You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity, yeah
And then I took it from there –
And if I don’t make it known that
I’ve loved you all along
And since I have watched The Craft on VHS and DVD over 1,000 times, I will include this favorite.
This song came on the radio as I escaped the office to run home and get stoned on my lunch break…
…some day I will get my shit together, but not today.
My young, male boss cracks me up sometimes. He is inlove with Taylor Swift and plays her music on repeat at work, so I have accidentally let a few songs slip into my head. He is actually headed to the Taylor Swift concert, somewhere, tomorrow. Its for his birthday, so I am ‘in charge until Tuesday.
I have been having a pretty rough time lately, extreme stomach pain and such. I have appointments lined up through the end of the year so that doctors can tell me what’s wrong with me.
This song makes me think about one of the last serious conversations that we had over text. It seems like forever ago.
She said that she regrets decisions that she had made. I didn’t ask questions but I drew my own conclusions as to what she meant.
I don’t remember what I said that day, but I remember how nervous I was as I said them, and I knew better.
So every 80 songs or less.. I get reminded of that day but a lady that he calls T. Swizzy, completely joking but enough that he’s serious.
Just when I think that I have my emotions under control, they consume me, keep me up all hours of the night and remind me of who I really am. Pills and busying myself only lasts so long. Em is at her fathers house, laying under a roof that he won’t sleep under anymore… I am sure that her thoughts are racing right now. It makes me completely guilty to be emotional in anyway at this point.
The night before the concert, I was leaving my friend’s house when I glanced over and saw how empty it looked down the road. The porch light was not on. There were no cars in the drive way. Of course, I took the long way home to see why it looked so different in that direction. I haven’t had a chance to go back but as I passed, I felt relief that her bedroom light was on until I noticed that it looked nearly completely empty inside. I had the classic fear of being pulled out of your school and moved across the country, suddenly, I felt like i had lost a best friend.
With 700 miles of driving, I had plenty of time to reflect and think.. I am left hoping she is happy and enjoying life.
This morning, I woke up to facebook sharing one of my ‘memories’ with me. It was a post about a text I received from her, 5 years ago. It was a text of frustration with.. my debilitating personality disorders. I don’t even know if that’s a PC term but I have determined that I am atypical or whatever that term is, this is where i take a moment to look it up.
So what I was trying to say, is that I have decided that I am not neurotypical… I did see a psychiatrist recently, and he referred me to try EMDR therapy. I haven’t even looked it up because he said it wasn’t worth looking up because there is a lot of BS online. A lot of doctors have been telling me this a lot lately. They say… don’t even look up the side effects.. it will make you paranoid – so I don’t, but that just doesn’t seem right.
Anyway, as I explained to him that I feel like I have an overwhelming fear of death, not for myself but for everyone that is close to me. He explained to me that what I was describing was a fear of loss, not death. I can relate to that. He thinks I have some signs of PTSD and when I did research the EMDR very briefly, I believe it can be related to recovering from trauma. I really don’t think that I have any trauma to recover from, but it seems like there is n army out there that disagrees with that.
Between my rough childhood due to my mother, bullying in school because I was gay and then the constant verbal abuse from customers.. the doctor really wanted me to consider looking into another career because, he pointed out that… it doesn’t help matters any. We talked about money and how important it is for me to feel financially secure and how I’d rather risk my sanity, to ensure that I have money.. anyway, that’s how that went and I picked a therapist based on being downtown and I am quite sure that he is gay, but I guess I am only assuming based on his photo and voice over his voicemail.
When I left work to go on my lunch break, Naked Eyes were filling my head.
Then Adele took that nostalgia and trying to empower me.. but I don’t really think that worked.
There’s always so much that I want to say and an underlying fear that I am trying to respect your wishes, but what if you need me to step up instead…
Five years ago, I was in the dark. I didn’t understand what was going on. I blamed myself.
It was around that time that you bought your bike at Walmart. My sister has never had such a heartfelt conversation with me.
My niece say you and C at the store and wanted to run up to your in excitement. My sister saw yall and knew that yall were more than just friends and stopped her. She sat me down and tried to explain it to me. I told her that she was wrong and confused..
We were in the small bedroom when I mentioned that my neice saw you at Walmart, because I was always so excited and told you everything, you froze for less than a second.. that happened a lot, but I never realized why… until much later.
The same thing happened when we were walking down the road a few times on different topics…
Little did I know.
I’ve been having a really hard time lately. Its just been constant anxiety but I get through. Today, I found out that my mom is in jail again for ‘simple assault’ for the 3rd fucking time. I know that is not good but I can only hope that she gets the help that she needs.
On a completely unrelated note, my brother was singing to this song today and I fell in love with it. Now I am back to what I would consider imaginary issues that are nearly non existent at this point.
Now he is playing a song that I have seen send people into a PTSD breakdown.
Since I fear death for everyone around me so badly lately, just hearing him sing it brings tears to my eyes and a deep pain in my heart. My mother has suffered from alcoholism my entire life and all of my siblings have suffered from it in one way or another. I may not have a problem with drinking too much but I do have deep seeded issues with alcoholics.
His play list is getting to sad for me and leaving me crying… The only songs that I know that hurt more are in my brother’s memorial video. I can never hear those songs without difficulty.
