Music

The silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload

• by admin • In Glam Metal, Hard Rock, Music, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on The silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload

One of my reps said something on Friday that I have been reflecting on all weekend. She was just making a joke but it was all too true.

I have been having a lot of emotional issues.. They come to light in the means of.. what my “recovery coach” calls ’emotional outbursts.’ We are working on trying to reduce the amount I have per day.. like I am an alcoholic or something. They don’t even know the amount of self medication I do… I limit that conversation to – I have tried it before… little do they know I try it every waking house that I can.  Little shit sets me off.  I feel swamped at work because, since I am skilled with computers and relatively smart – I have made it to some type of coordinator position.  I coordinate about 20 people.. and well, since I can barely coordinate myself.. there are struggles.

A lot of people rely on me and when it all happens at the same time, I freak out.  I loose all professionalism, but I am normally very nice so most people overlook it.

Only one person has ever pointed it out and tried to help me with it.  He said.. When you are the captain of a ship, you have to remain calm in a disastrous situation.  If the captain freaks out, so will the crew.  

He was my last supervisor with tons of experience.  I tried to control myself in front of him.  Then he was promoted and now my supervisor is 8 years younger than I am with even less experience.  He’s a smart guy that can keep his cool but I don’t think that he can teach me how to, so that’s why I ended up seeking professional help.  I get embarrassed.  I have ignored it and worked around it for the last 34 years of my life. Okay, we can shave 5 or 6 of those years off but I have always had oddities about me.  I would have been labeled as high functioning autism so quickly if I was born 30 years later.

Anyway, it all started when she called me at work saying that I had the car seats in  my car and she needed them because the 3 year old had therapy.  I went and asked to go to lunch about 10 minutes early to resolve the issue and as I got out to the car, I realized that I had forgotten some papers that she had emailed me that she needed on lunch break.  I called her to make sure that I had to go back and get them: I did.

From that moment on, it was an emotional roller coaster.  I ran back up there to get my papers, rushed home driving recklessly.  Its not safe.  It’s not good for my vehicles.

My grandma always jokes that my cars never work.  Between my budget and the way I treat them.. its really no mystery.

Well – what my agent said, was that the worst time to ask me for help is Monday morning.  She said I was usually better after lunch.  Little does she know I can’t drag myself out of bed in order to smoke enough to go to work on Monday’s so I have to catch up on lunch.  Today, I took my medicine and an extra Xanax (prescribed) to help a little.  After I calmed down, I started crying.

What I thought about over the weekend is about how I never remember to take my medicine on the weekends, so that Monday morning is the 48 hours without it.  I take 2 anxiety/depression medicines daily and one is supposed to be twice a day.

Since people usually have new year’s resolutions, I guess the day after your birthday is as good as any.  I really need to start taking my medicine right.  I think I am fucking myself up more that I am helping.

And these foolish games are tearing me apart

• by admin • In Folk, Grammy Nominee, Pop, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on And these foolish games are tearing me apart

For whatever reason, I hear this song nearly daily and think about her every time. I think back to the conversation when she told me that she may regret some decisions that she had made. I always read too far into anything that she said. I wanted to think that she regretted choosing C over me when faced when the situation so long ago – though I am sure that she didn’t think that I was a possibility.. seeing that she lived with him and I had no idea.. It’s weird to think about a lot of things like that.

My brother met her once, she came over and we hung out in my room. He had already had preconceived notions about her and it all changed when he met her. He would say things like, “She is just not into you… you’re just going to have to find a way to get over her.” and from time to time, before he knew her at all, just thought she was a stuck up bitch taking advantage of the fact that I was completely head over heels for her.. typical reaction from a brother, but when he met her… he said he really liked her ans she could see why I was always.. caught up in her. I guess he just saw our connection, which is not normal for a brother that could careless about what I do in that manner.

I always wondered what it would have been like to be able to meet her father.  What would it have been like in an alternate universe?

And to express my ever changing mood, I will throw in one more random song that I feel like listening to:

This song was popular as my heart originally broke. I wouldn’t changing meeting her if I had the chance. I might change the way that I reacted.

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Death metal, Industrial rock, Music, Nu metal •   Comments Off on Broken, bruised, forgotten sore

Today when I accidently googled 512, I came across this song.

I felt like I needed a little Lamb of God on my site.  I couldn’t tell you what the hell they are saying but I am sure it’s good.

When I was younger, I used to go to every Kittie show possible.  I must have seen them 10 to 20 times.  I ran a website called KittieIzGod.com based off the name of their first demo tape.  It was called Sex Iz Hell.  I realize that doesn’t really translate but I was like 15 years old.

There used to be a good Sweeny Todd version of Somewhat Damaged on YouTube but I couldn’t find it today. This will have to do.