I woke up feeling better than I have in years. I don’t know how to explain it any better than light and happy. That is all I am going to say about that. I am a peculiar little human.
Go to the ends of this Earth for you
Music
This is a girl girl thing
Tonight was Lez Prom. Months ago, I was under the impression I was going, then she was taking the new girl, then she said I was the back up if the new girl didn’t want to go – and then she ended up taking her best friend because she thinks I want to get back with her. She doesn’t understand when I feel disrespected and used, she thinks that I am jealous, but really, I just don’t want to watch her kids so that she can go out with someone.
She ended up getting drunk and asking her best friend to take her to the new girl’s house. The best friend texted me asking if I was up because she was crying because Maddison was being a bitch to her and didn’t give a fuck about her feelings. It’s pretty bad when you exes best friend confides in you because she’s so mean.
It was nice to not care in the least. I expected to feel a little left out, but instead, I went to a friends house and helped them pack. I couldn’t keep M off my mind or the few words that meant more than I could imagine. I woke up feeling stronger than ever. I’ve resisted saying much to her, because I am sure that her situation is quite sensitive and I want to be aware so that I don’t cause any trouble.
My friends used to joke that the only way to get me to clean my house was to say that M was coming over. It was a running joke, apparently I don’t give a fuck quite often.. and then there she was. Everything else disappeared. Either way, I feel like cleaning my room and have been doing a great job.. I guess I just don’t want her to ever see what a mess I can be – but I am sure that she is quite aware.
Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time
‘Cause I like you
You make me stare, when I should not
I’ve developed a habit of staying up all night and sleeping all day, as if I was on summer vacation. The ex has developed a habit of calling me, waking me up and asking me for something ridiculous. Today – I said no.
Since I was woken up and asked a question, I was a bit confused. I thought she was telling me that her son (8) was home alone and wanted to go play, but I had to be aware to check on him and she was asking if I would. I said no, I’m sleeping and went back to sleep. This was at 1:15 PM. There’s something that makes me feel really bad to saying no to something I am physically capable of doing, soon enough, I couldn’t sleep anymore and got up by 2. I texted her and told her that he could go play outside because I was awake. Little did I know, she was either home or bringing him home to stay alone (with me next door) and somehow through the next exchange of messages that came out. After minutes of being awake – I knew that I didn’t want to be here anymore. There is a lot going on with my brother and it’s intense. Everyone else is silent or asleep here and I owe LMC a little money, so I ask the ex when she will be back because I want to go to Lisa’s. She says they are going to Austin and it will be a few hours and not to leave him alone for more than an hour at a time. This is where it starts to feel like I am watching her kid for her and she treats me like complete shit, so I was not willing to do that. She already called me at 9 something this morning asking me to go sit with her kids while she went to go get sodas. When I got there her 4 year old asked me to make her food, if that tells you anything about how much I do for the kids. Why couldn’t her mom had made her food?
I asked her to get me a soda while she was out, because I thought it would make me feel better about doing things for her.
When I went back to bed, I had a hard time falling asleep right away. I laid there and thought about this one time that M and I met at Jo’s. That day was the first time I saw her after she got back from out of state. She had left right before I met Maddison. When she returned, I felt like I had so much explaining to do. I knew that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.. but I really did. I had been completely in love with her for 3 years, she leaves, returns and I had a girlfriend.. that I hated, but I am not sure if that point came across. I think I was able to at least express that much to her. I needed her to know that I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend, had no interest in her and had a very inactive sex life – which took effort, but I blamed my medicine and distanced myself. When I saw her, I got so nervous/excited, I have no idea what I said that day. I can tell you what table we sat at. I can tell you that my back was to the wall and hers was to the counter. We normally didn’t sit over in that little area, but today we did. I feel like she could see through my eyes to what I was trying to express and I feel like she understood more than anyone would and accepted that I did what I did for whatever reason I did it, and I don;t think she was worried at all. I wondered if she still knew that she was everything that I had ever wanted.. but could never ask.
I have always tried to respect her situation – and I don’t know why – but I can’t refer to it as anything other than that. I’ve never wanted to make anything worse for her. There has been things that she has said that have sunk deep into my heart. I have beat myself up for not being more assertive and asking more questions. When I think about an example of what I am talking about, the first thing that comes to mind is – I don’t even know when we were having this conversation – but she said that her parents would not have even noticed if she had been kidnapped. We had been talking about when she left home. It always made me feel uneasy to think about. She looked down and her tone changed in a way that told me this was significant, but I felt like she didn’t want me to ask, so I never did. It’s strange to me that I can be so shy with her yet so incredibly open. In the end, I always feel very protective of her and the rest just gets complicated in my head. Watching my brother breakdown has made me question my sanity a time of two, but luckily. I have her in my life and she is always there just in time.
This song popped up and I have not heard it before. I am going to leave this here.
I wanted to talk about something very specific and forgot it when my dad showed up. I need to reread this and see if it comes back to me. For now, I suppose this is all.
I will be brave
Nothing makes me feel tougher than listening to this song when it comes on.
I was buying shoes for my job interview when I received some words that made my heart beat a little differently.
When you are the weird kid in life, there’s nothing better than someone that believes in you.
I don’t even know who Christina Perri is – I always think this song is Paramore.
If I were gay I would listen to must like this – kidding, I wouldn’t..
The only reason that I like the last video is because of the first lines in the song. Okay, well – maybe it’s not the only reason, but I would have not gotten as far into the song without the start.
Hopin’ that the sun will keep on shinin’
My brother – is having a very hard time. Its a part of the equation that I have not mentions, maybe because it is the most serious and severe. I should not ignore it, but people act like I do. He gave me a bass guitar a few years back, right before I did Guitar Girl. He taught me one song. I doubt that I could play it again without a lot of practice. I think it would help him if we started playing again.
Oh my life is changing everyday
Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.
I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.
Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.
When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.
The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.
Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.
Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life.
Every day of the thirteen days that I have been at home after getting laid off have really worn on me. The other extenuating circumstances have not helped any. What has helped is hearing from people that truly care. I wish that I didn’t need a reminder, but it makes a big difference. I have never been one to seek attention, but it seems that I appreciate it a lot more than I realize.
After not receiving my unemployment card and feeling like I have waited forever for my severance check, I decided to check on it. The HR lady assured me that I would get paid this Friday with everyone else’s pay check so that helps me not have to worry about when I will see my next dollar. It has been a hard lesson to learn that I accidentally get comfortable and I often take things for granted without meaning to. I thought that I was reminded of this when I went to Guatemala and couldn’t drink the water.
I’m finished making sense
I have been doing a awful job at controlling my emotions today. Just now, I got in a fight with Jeremy, deleted his number and blocked him on facebook per his request. He has been asking me to come help him clean out his garage since I lost my job. I don’t think he understands that I am usually either sleeping, talking my brother off a ledge, taking care of kids, or applying for jobs. Today, will be the first day that I do something that I want to do and I am completely nervous, because I know that I should be completely mortified. As I wrote it, I didn’t think anyone would take time to care to look. I know that in my darkest moments, I begged for her attention, and its not something I am proud of.
So – Jeremy wanted me to come over to help him move things out of his garage. I am not his only friend, mind you. While I was up from taking the 4 year old to school, I texted him asking if 10 AM was good. I set an alarm and when it went off, he hadn’t replied so I went back to sleep. He sent a message that said how about 11:30 that I read at 11:30, I replied telling him I was going to take a shower and then come by. I called him because he didn’t reply. He had called our mutual friend looking for me, which is creepy too because she lives in Kyle and I rarely see her – but she told him that I had plans to go to lunch later so somehow that made him think I was calling him to blow him off. My plans weren’t for another hour and a half and he wanted me to help him move a few couches, so I can’t imagine how they are related in the least.
When I called him, he interrupted what I was saying and says in his diva tone, “Hana told me that you made other plans to go eat, Matt is here, don’t worry about it.” Since I had been trying to contact him about coming over to help all day, I was extremely offended, so I said, “No I don’t have lunch plans, I was calling to come over and help you but fuck it.” and hung up on him. Apparently he didn’t like that very much because he texted me and told me to lose his number because he didn’t deserve that treatment. Now – that is debatable. This is a guy that fights over my time more than any man has before. We fought a week or two ago because I hurt his feelings by not hanging out enough. I explained to him that he is the only person’s house I go to at all. The last thing I need is more controlling people in my life.
