Thank you, BOB FM, for introducing me to such music right before bed.
It takes a special type of recluse to be introduced to a song that was recorded over 10 years before you were born. I suppose, that wouldn’t be common knowledge.
Today, I tried my best to tell her something really deep in my heart, as much as you can over a text type communication. There were moments after we said goodnight that I wanted to tell her, “I care about you deeply” because I just feel like there are so many emotions loaded into those words, but maybe it’s just me. It my memory is as accurate as I think it is, the first time that I told her that was right before she left to San Francisco. It meant – I loved her but feared the shear idea of such a thing. Tonight, I felt the need to say all that, but instead, I said goodnight.
Then there are the songs that I have been listening to for as long as I can remember. I have always heard the words but never understood what they could possibly mean – tonight, I realize – every pop song can’t be speaking to me – but I have decided to turn off BOB because apparently, my mind is else where.
I hate when I have to ask what the difference between creepy and romantic is and so far everyone can only tell me, it depends on if they like it. How terrifying is that when you have no idea. Luckily for me, I don’t think I was creepy but I was always afraid that pure human emotion was a thing of the past. This song has always seem somewhere in between to me.
The last couple of days have been challenging because I have a heart and now I know that some people will push you for all that you are worth, but hopefully that is all over. I haven’t had any free moments in peace, so this will be written a day after it is posted for.
Monday night, I had a dream that has only grown in detail since I first woke up and started remembering piece. It feels more like a distant memory. It was enough to make me look up vivid dreams.
When I looked into it, I only confirmed that they are in fact vivid dreams to say the least, which is why CouchBoy has said that he forgets his dreams nearly instantly where I have found myself thinking about a dream that I had days later, only to finally look up the basic themes to then laugh to myself and crawl back into my bed with my loving dogs but not without my attempt to show that I care about her deeply in different words.
So my dream the other night:
We had been talking on the phone, or talking verbally, I am not sure. I could hear her voice and she asked me to come over for a little while. I tried to make a light joke or two about why that would not be a smart move on my part but in just a few words she talked me out of common sense by reassuring me that she would never put me in harms way and I trusted her blindly and proceeded.
There was an ominous feel to walking up to her house. It was that of the knight walking up to an evil castle hesitantly. I looked back down the hill, knowing better than to proceed, but without much though – I walked up to her house and knocked softly. She opened the door near instantly. She hugged me and whispered that it was okay and lead me to the couch where we watched TV and played a game together that involved dice. I can’t remember a single detail about the game besides it involved multiple regular dice.
Eventually we stopped playing and started to nearly fall asleep watching TV. She told me that she was going to bed and I could either come with her or she’s understand if I wanted to go home. I looked at her confuse, as to ask her – why would I want to do that and nearly at the same time, we both looked back to the dark cave-like hallway. Our eyes met, neither of us said a thing, there was an exchange of facial expressions, she took my hand and lead me back to her bed. I can’t explain how emotionally seductive this moment was but it brought back feelings in my dream that I didn’t remember that I had.
Just as I expected, the elephant in the room, but she just climbed into bed with obvious distance from the elephant wanting TV and then pulled me close. I laid with my head on her chest and watched whatever was playing on TV. It didn’t seem as either of us were very interested in what was on TV but we tried ever so hard to act and be interested. It was silent besides a few giggles. I feel like I must have fallen right to sleep because the only thing that I remember about that part besides reminding myself that this was how people got murdered and there was just something symbolic there that can’t be found in a book but the one detail that I do remember was that I had my left hand up her shirt slightly, touching her stomach softly as my heart raced – because, once again, I thought – I might die if I do this – but I did it anyway. That’s what being gay in the country used to be like.
Let me tell you about how I have seen Boys Don’t Cry 1.5 times. That is because I was by myself the second time that I watched it and I did not make it through. I turned it off. It was a DVD or it would have still been at the half way point.
When I woke up and though about it more – I didn’t really think anything about playing games but DreamMoods.com seemed to think that was relevant. There was an entry on bedroom but I felt that was too generic and I am not about that life and then, since the most remember-able part of the dream is touching her stomach, careful not to move wrong while my heart raced – I decided to look up stomachs and then I wondered about how I would come up with this stuff.
The other day, I was fighting with Madd because she was bitching that she needed help packing and she wouldn’t be done in time but she was able to run off to some chicks house and stay out to whatever time the next day. I gave her hell about it because she expected me to pick up her slack and I wasn’t having it. At some point she called me jealous and I just dropped it because the last thing I wanted was for her to think I wanted her – then I realized – fuck – I am jealous. Not jealous of what she thinks I am. I was jealous that she could run off and see who ever it was she was going to see when I know that I shouldn’t even ask to see that lady that I can’t keep off my mind.
Board Games
To see or play board games in your dream signifies your progress in life. How you do in the board game is analogous to the setbacks and accomplishments in your waking life. Consider the name of the board game you are playing in your dream for additional significance.
Dice
To see or play dice in your dream suggests that you are taking chances and playing with fate. It refers to the unpredictability of life. The dream may also be a pun on a situation that may be getting too “dicey”. Consider the significance of the numbers reflected on the dice or how many dice were thrown.
Stomach
To see or touch someone’s stomach in your dream indicates that this person is trying to reach out to you. He or she is trying to connect o you on an emotional level.
Here are a few songs off of No Name Face a sound track that no one wants.
If it was the early 2000s, I would be so much more of a pain in the ass.
Last night, I had a dream that I decided to keep to myself. I can’t imagine that it symbolizes anything more than my immaturity.
I was sitting in homeroom in high school. The classroom was so detailed that I could see the teacher’s (Mr. Algebra II / fencer / computer nerd) Pascal Programming books on the shelf. He was demanding our attention in a way that it was clearly homeroom and not Algebra II, which I often slept through, but he handled it pretty well. He would scare me with grades like 67 but never actually failed me to the point of where it would affect me.
In this dream, I was sitting about 3 rows from the teacher’s desk, which was on the far end of the room. Mr. M had just walked back to his desk and started to sit down when he started to try to tell me something.
There was a rowdy group of boys playing paper football or something, causing a ruckus to the point where I couldn’t hear him. Being the passive man that he was, he just calmly closed his eyes and seemed to hold his breathe until they realize they were being disruptive. As Mr. M did this, my eyes shifted from the teacher down to the left to be met with someone looking at me like that had something to say but we just stared at each other for a second or two until Mr. M asked me the question about something I had no interest in – but I took the book that he was suggesting, politely and started to read. I feel like it was long after the dream was over and I had already woken up that I realized who the disruptive boy was.
I wasn’t particularly phased by the boys playing paper football loudly in between us. I probably envied them and wished that I was playing paper football loudly, instead of my Algebra II teacher attempting to get me into computer coding that has since been rendered obsolete. I am pretty sure he was Budist, but I didn’t know more than I had learned in po-dunk geography class.
That teacher later got fired for jokingly pulling a pocket knife on a student. My brother was actually present for that situation – I don’t think I could make this redneck stuff up – but anyway, as I was driving to work, I suppose my mind was aimlessly wandering, because I think that’s when I realized – it was C. He was in my homeroom class too.
Why?
This is all I could pull out of it and I wasn’t thrilled with the results – maybe I should just not.
School
To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities.
Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a “spiritual learning” experience.
Today, I decided to choose a song in a more random fashion. I can’t say I picked the first one that I heard, but I picked the first one that I liked. I completely intended on coming home and rollerblading on this smooth blacktop since I really haven’t yet. I have not moved on to that next fun exercise yet, because I don’t really want to fall on my ass and I am not putting anything more than a helmet on for protection. It’s really not that bad but suddenly no one is home and I decided its less than safe – and I like safety. Maybe I don’t like safety, but I play it safe because I prefer not to get hurt. It’s a boring life that I live – I am working on that.
Tomorrow is a day that I fear will take away my best friend, and it is such a ridiculous fear that I even know there is no evidence that shows that anything of the sort could happen – but it happened last year and for some reason, I believe that’s significant. Most people would be irritated that I even knew that. Today, my ex (Madd) asked said, “Please tell me that you don’t send her texts professing your love to her.” With an embarrassed for me undertone. I paused, laughed and said – not currently, I don’t think… she’s very aware. When I saw MLE last, she had a few questions of her own. I couldn’t tell you what they were or how I answered but in the end, she said, “Good, so you are leaving her alone – I am proud of you.” Then I confessed to the fact that might be up to interpretation and depend on what you’d consider bothering her.. but MLE was still proud and said that I had grown up a lot, but I am quite sure that even she has seen me grow up plenty – much due to trying to do what’s right. So desperately so.
This is the first time that I have ever considered how my actions, typically emotional outbursts – if you ask the professionals, affect others. There was this day, I remember where I was standing, I remember how hard it hit me and I hope that I have never made her feel the same way again. We had just met, I had a much younger and immature perspective on relationships and fear brought out the worst in me. She had gone to SB to go fishing and I really couldn’t tell you what lead up to it but I am sure I called her way too many times and when she answered – who knows what I said – but she responded perfectly and made sure that I knew how much the way I was acting affected her. It stopped me in my tracks. I never forgot that moment but I hope that I have never done that again.
I just realized that I still have not picked a song nor mentioned my method. Usually its a song that has spoken to me throughout that day, but I only listened to the Out of Range album by Ani Difranco today because it’s the 25th anniversary of its release but nothing stood out to me so I am going to throw it back 15 years and add a few more options in there. I used to explore my music by downloading a ton of music, loading it all into WMP and then shuffling it all. Today, I will do the same. When going to press play, I realized it is still trying to add all of my songs as I have not loaded my music directory into WMP.
The fact of the matter is that I used to be really jealous, clingy and controlling and I have come to believe that it is due to my fear, ultimately losing someone that I consider so close and special to me. The more I get knocked down and find a way to get back up – I seem less scared. It doesn’t mean that I am not, but less is better in this situation.
The more I think about 7/27, the more I realize that I seem to know exactly where I was when I received that text too. I was walking on the square for some reason – probably on my lunch break asking her if she wanted to me. At the time I had moved to Kyle and she had just gotten back from out of state. Since I had no where to go on my lunch break without living locally, I started inviting her out and we had several lovely lunches together. There’s a well defined patter at this point and I felt like I should have seen it coming. If something is too good to be true, brace yourself – because it is, and I’ve already given my damn hopes up because I live with my head in the clouds day dreaming my days away while preforming mindless tasks to keep reality flowing.
I responded as casually as I could without showing that I was devastated. It was easy to convince myself at the time that it was just every other time and remind myself that it was possible she could see me. There’s no need to cry in public. I always save that for later. The days turned into months and soon I questioned what publicity stunt I was going to pull off to get her attention. I have always buried every comical idea I have had, because I know initially she would hate it – but deep day, I tell myself.. its endearing. Some day my endeering is going to get shot. Maybe I should spray paint something cryptic on the street at the intersection that we met at; it just so happens to be an intersection that we both probably pass often. Maybe I should spend an entire day people watching at the tables outside of the bakery… but that one just didn’t seem to do the trick – modern people make romantic things seem creepy so I would have to move on past that one.
I kept it more my style – radical honesty. Stumble upon something I shouldn’t online – tell her immediately, via email of course. How else are nerds expected to communicate? That all started when I was leaving my friend’s house one day and I caught the darkness permeating from her house. I couldn’t help but glance over and it was completely dark, I had never missed a blue glow so much. My heart raced. I was afraid I would never see her again – but in that moment, I felt like such a small child, I can’t explain it. The panic that sets in when you realize you are moving across the country and leaving everything behind, unwillingly. I think it was the lack of control in the situation that gave me such a helpless feeling.
It took days before I realized that the house was actually empty but I had a sense of faith to me. Eventually I ended up on google. What else are you supposed to do when you have a mystery to solve? I was surprised how easily her name came up but then again, I know her middle name and how to use a computer – so I believed what I read and thought she left the state.
In the end, I was lucky enough to have her in my life again – but I am so afraid of causing her to leave again and struggling with the fear of regret. Will I find the right balance?
Windows Media Played choose “I Remember You” by The Ataris but I couldn’t handle listening to that one so I decided to take it back a few years. It seemed appropriate. Now my choice in music but my brother loves it.
This morning something quite unexpected happened. I doubt that I will forget it so for now the details won’t be anywhere but in my heart but I will leave a few notes for myself for when I decided I need to know, years down the line.
To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. Alternatively, a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner. In particular, if you see a freight train, then it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around. It is also symbolic of manual labor. If you see a passenger train, then it relates to mental work.
To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life’s journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end.
To see hair in your dream signifies sexual virility, seduction, sensuality, vanity, and health. It is indicative of your attitudes. If your hair is knotted or tangled, then it is symbolic of uncertainty and confusion in your life. You may be unable to think straight. If you dream that you make a drastic change to your hairstyle, then it means that you are taking a drastic, new approach to some issue in your waking life.
To dream that you are combing, stroking or styling your hair suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking. You may be putting your thoughts in order and getting your facts straight. A more literal interpretation suggests your concerns about your self-image and appearance.
To dream that you have long hair indicates that you are thinking long and carefully before making some decision. You are concentrating on some plan or situation. Dreaming that you have hair so long that it gets in your way suggests that your thoughts and/or ideas are preventing you from moving forward. Perhaps you are doing too much thinking and not taking any action.
To dream that you are reaching for or running your fingers through someone’s hair suggests that you are trying to connect with that person on a spiritual or intellectual level. It also refers to sympathy, protectiveness, and fraternal love.
Today, I did and said things that I thought twice about, thought I should keep to myself but shared with her anyway. There was something in the back of my mind in my brother, Stephen’s voice, saying that I may never get the chance that I wait for. He would have told me to live in the moment if he was here and I saw him days before he died – so that changes ones perspective.
I told her about my dream and we were both a bit surprised when our dreams over lapped. That’s the only words that I have for it right now. My dream was quite life-like, the type that get my attention and are stuck echoing for days leaving me questioning if it actually happened or not. I couldn’t tell you where I was or what I was doing specifically. I can say that I know how I was laying in the dream, how I felt, who I was with and that I had started to fall asleep in the dream and it seemed as if I woke up for work as I fell asleep in my dream. It’s moments like this that remind me that there so so much more to life that I am giving it.
I started talking to Couch Boy about BladeRunner today and he said a few things about the premise and it made me want to see it even more and left me questioning how she would feel about BladeRunner 2049 or whatever year that new one is. I will find a moment to ask.
I’ve got better things to do than survive I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands And I’ve got a vision of blue sky and warm land I’m cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hands
On the playlist for the show, these two songs are listed together. I could only imagine it is because of the commentary in between that speaks right to me.
Today, I was listening to my Melissa Etheridge concert from 3 months ago – because I am a strange bird, I noticed – I think she is talking to me – or about me – are all lesbians really that similar?
It was about that moment when I realized, what if she had been able to come with me? How would I feel listening to all of these songs with her life. She would probably hold my hand like she did during that sex scene in that movie and then everything would be better.
Gruene Hall
When I saw this at the first show, you can hear me laugh in amusement. I really shouldn’t be amused with this – but at least I am not alone, right?
Something has got to change. I work too hard to feel this way about my house.
I started a list when I was upset about Couch Boy that I never intended to give him but more to collect my thoughts for when I could bring up such items, hopefully not all at the same time, that’s quite overwhelming for anyone.
Please Stop:
Leaving wet clothes in the washer
Leaving the coffee pot on when no one is home
Putting the toilet seat behind the metal bar of the shelf thing
Moving items to new locations like the mops
Putting plastic bags under the sink (roaches)
Please:
Take the dogs out before you leave the house
Lock the door behind you if you won’t be home before 8 PM
Leave the lights on in the living room between 10 AM and 10 PM on weekends
A friend was over and saw my list. She read it and laughed and said the he complains about half of the items I am irritated with. The thing is, I have set up my life so that I don’t need anyone else and by the looks of people around me, that doesn’t seem to be a common practice – so the fact that I help out nearly 6 other people on a daily basis is starting to get to me.
The reason that I mention this is that I have never asked for anyone that lives with me, 3 of those 6, for any money for bills or rent – I just pay it all despite their electricity consuming habits, internet addictions and disregard for manners when it comes to food that I primarily buy. I can’t tell you how many times I have come to eat something that I bought for the first time and it is already completely gone. At this point, I feel like i have 2 teenage sons – one with a part-time job that can not afford to pay him. The problem is that they are about 36 and 32 and I am not getting any younger either, but I am somewhere in between and should not have to deal with this shit from either of them, but definitely not Couch Boy.
The part that really bothered me was when she went on to tell me that he felt dehumanized because I let my friend, Willa, stay in my brother’s room for the night to watch some TV show that wasn’t kid appropriate. She was having to bunk with the 8 year old next-door because the 4 year old’s grandma was there and took the couch. I had plenty of room, it seemed normal to offer to let her stay in my makeshift room that I have organized for my brother.
I put a TV in there and she used the Xbox to watch some Zoo show. It was nothing the 8 year old needed to see – but somehow, I didn’t tell my guest that is wearing his welcome. I picked him up in January, so maybe it’s about that time. He used to be appreciative and clean. He would always do the dishes and mop the floor but now he is dehumanized when I let someone stay at my house without running it through him.
He must think that he has some sort of say around here. If I was staying somewhere for free, which I haven’t ever except when I lived with my dad until I was 21 because school said that I had to be there or in a dorm, and well, I was too straight-phobic for that. They would have probably hated me and I am not about to go somewhere I think someone will hate me, so I stayed home, but I have been working since I was 16 and I haven’t taken many breaks – ever, so when I see people spending years of their life living off of me, I start to get defensive.
I think that my psych would be proud. The only thing I got out of our visit the other morning was that I needed to set boundaries. He said it in a tone that meant he knew that it was easier said than done but at least we were on the same page. Every time I go in there – he asks me a series of questions about my sleep and my social interactions. I feel like he wants me to say more because then he says things like, “Sounds like you are married to your work, its okay, a lot of us are.” We talked about my mom – so far I have not found anyone that has given me any trouble about what I did – but I know people can tell it bothers me, because I have gotten plenty of reassurance.
Maybe jail is the best place for her. My texts have ran out and I don’t really want to spend the money that I have on them. Her last text said to use her card information to spend $50 out of her account, she insisted. She knows that our texts cost 50 cents each way, I remind her because sometimes each of us forgets, at least I do. I see her text and reply with my first sentence thought and then realize that I just paid 2 cents a character.
I can’t tell you how many times I have been called selfish in my life, even while over giving to help someone. It boggles my mind. I am sure that I am selfish, because that sounds efficient to me, but if I was so selfish, I feel like I would have a lot more at this point.
