There is this dream that I had – it must have been weeks ago. I know that I wrote about it but I won’t link back to it at the moment. The way the dream starts seems to vary because I remember multiple beginnings but in the end I am always at her house.
There’s a part that is becoming more prominent that wasn’t in the first dreams. While we are sitting on the couch right as I get there – the couch is back against the wall that would lead to the kitchen. I have never been there but I have been in the house before so that leads to a whole new level of confusion for my little brain.
As I am sitting on the couch, I look up and concentrate on the beams above me and then look over at the wood burning stove, almost as a way to remind me that this is something very familiar and not to be nervous or afraid as I feel myself – questioning my decision. She seems to be out of the room in those seconds – as I don’t seem to feel the same way when she is near, only in those silent moments in between.
There was a point in time that she would come and go in my life every so often and every time I had managed to grab her attention – in those moments before seeing her, I would be more than nervous. One of my friends, Crys, was over quite often at the time and she would always have a great way of asking me what I was worried about and reminding me – that that something. It reminds me of those moments.
The main point of all of these words is that in my dream, we hang out in the living room for a while. In my dream last night, she turned to me and kissed me somewhat out of nowhere. I feel like I would have noticed if that had happened before. This time she looked at me and smiled. She said, “I know that you think this is a bad idea, but will you come lay down with me.” Her facial expression said a lot more than her words did. I couldn’t help but smile because it was one of the sweetest things I had seen.
I followed her into the dark where there was a TV lighting up the room. He was there, slightly propped up in the back corner of the room on the bed. Watching the TV which was near or in the closet. She laid down, with a good human’s width between them and then I laid down on the edge on her shoulder and she was on her back. From that point it is always the same. She touches me softly and I can’t stop attempting to control my heart rate because I know that she can feel it against her. It may just be getting more detailed each time. The first dream was so fast I nearly had to put a few pieces together.
Maybe – I should just stop thinking about how much I want to fall asleep in her arms every night and maybe then I won’t have such weird dreams.
Just as I expected – the pizza is missing and no one that had access to my freezer had anything to do with it. The deep freezer that it had lived in for a few years was moved out a few weeks ago. I personally moved the pizza to my freezer and put it up behind a turkey to hide it because I had a daunting fear that this exact thing would happen. No one one will admit to it – no one had touched the turkey, my missing historical pizza or my ice cream that I JUST realized is also missing. I hope this mystery person ate my Valentino’s pizza and contracts Valentino’s Revenge. I was so proud of my last piece of Valentino’s pizza too bad it had to grow legs and walk away. Maybe someday I will tell that woman of my dreams about the time I kept the pizza she made me in the fridge for 5 years or so. She would probably appreciate that somewhere deep in heart and feel my extreme disappointment in the people around me that saw nothing ever at all – they don’t even know what a freezer is at this point.
Now, I have not been shy about asking about my pizza. Most of them didn’t even question it because they expected and absurd answer. I originally noticed when my dad was here and he only made comments on the fact that I probably could not encase it in epoxy to preserve it. Possibly on purpose, before I confirmed that it was in fact gone – he convinced me hat there was probably no good was to preserve the last piece of pizza from my favorite pizza. I moved on quickly before we started working where exactly the line for romantic ended. I haven’t found the answer yet.
The a series of clicking, I saw this photo. It looks like a painting but it is actually a time lapse photo over 100 sunsets. This is the type of photography that I want to get better with – there is something about abandoned buildings that really draw me to them. I would love to travel down the back roads stopping to photograph placed long forgotten.
I haven’t talked to my mom in ten days and I can only hope so hard that I will it into existent that she is doing what she needs to do to finally be able to support herself, again – not that she had ever done it well for long. That’s why she has so many last names. There was a time in my life that I was embarrassed that my mom had 4 kids but as I get older, I realize that I am sure that it wasn’t an easy decision to make. She grew up Catholic but I can’t imagine that ever affected her future decisions – but it could be why I have 3 siblings.
Now that there are three of us left and I pretty much take care of my brother (though many people have strong opinions about that) and my sister’s husband thing would never allow her to come stay with them, she still has no one to help her. My dad would if he could because he is one of the most giving people I know – but he has tried many times and he is too old to take the mental and physical abuse that she puts him though.
He hasn’t spoken to her since I sent her to GA with a one way plane ticket to live with a childhood friend that agreed to take her in after whatever abuse story she told him. There was a point my dad was worried that one of my mom’s drunk friends would believe her and come to retaliate. I am sure that he has PTSD from all that she has put him through. I am the only one of us that she has never physically assaulted but the one time she came close it absolutely terrified my dad.
We were in the kitchen that I grew up in. It was just over 20 years ago right after my grandfather passed away on June 30. She was in town for some child support hearing. I had ran out of gas coming from somewhere. My dad showed up to help me and she was with him. I know at that point I was extremely standoffish but there is no telling what out dynamic was. That was when my siblings were in foster-care and I was too young and far away to do a thing about it. They were in MO. My brother and I were allowed to call them once in a while. I feel like I just talked about that.
I really held a grudge and I didn’t know what had really happened or why they went. In the end, some people say that my sister came out to a psychiatrist saying that she lied about mom pushing her down the stairs. It was a steep wooden staircase to a basement, I can’t imagine that professionals couldn’t tell the damn difference. My sister says that she aged out of the system and that she threw a fit until my brother who was 12 months younger was allowed to go with her.
Back to the original point, the time I nearly fought my mom may have been the day after they put gas in my car. I was still living at home – was about to start my freshman year in high school. It was about the time that I started to get a little taller than my mom and though she was a gymnast that nearly went to the Olympics – I was in much better shape than per alcoholic 35 year old self. I was making waffles or something at the toaster and she said something that she knew would piss me off about my grandmother and everyone in the room knew exactly how I felt about that. It was the only time I had seriously bucked up to someone and I was about her fight her right there in the kitchen. My dad quickly begged me to ignore her with fear in her voice somehow reminding me that I was better than that.
I walked away and went to my room but I never forgot the day that I nearly beat my mom’s ass and I think my dad knew it. No one else in my family will hit her back and you bet she has physically abused every one of them. Brian only after her was an adult because my dad protected us well.
It’s true what they say about support systems. Though I often feel like an outsider as an adult – mainly because I think they judge Brian and I for my mom’s mental illness. They would probably rather our last name vanish with our generation than either of us pass on our last name – but who cares – not me. There is a lesbianesque story in there somewhere but I am not ready to tell it and I know better than to say such a think to such a person but yesterday I was having a conversation and I so badly wanted to say things that I found myself looking at myself in the proverbial mirror thinking what in the actual fuck.
Now for some music because I have lost my train of thought. Some really great things happened today and I almost wanted to tell her about the pizza that I was afraid someone threw away out of the freeze. I will tell one last story before I move on to songs that I listen too way too often.
Chronologically It’s some year long ago. I am sure there is arecord of the event but until then – it was around 2014 or 15 or some year. I call up the local pizza place where I happen to admire a pizza artist manager. She answers the phone to take my order and she may be away of such admiring so she doesn’t ask my name, possibly because I had invented a code pizza since I too am forever 14.
I go to pick it up and she doesn’t let me pay for it so as I float on cloud nine for a few days or however long. The uneaten pieces of my birthday pizza (I forgot that important part of the story it was on my birthday) stayed in my bachelor-like fridge for way too long. A friend of mine – who was too aware of the whole pizza love – was cleaning out the friend and told me to just put a piece in the freezer – so I did.
It stayed there for years to come until I had to move. I really didn’t want to move and I tried everything to find a way to stay but one by one every reason disappeared and I gave in. There was one big reason that I didn’t want to leave and the pizza in the fridge wasn’t it at all but it symbolized something to me that I thought a slice of pizza in the fridge that could contain biological warfare at this point would do something about. Eventually I moved that pizza into a deep freezer in the garage of the house I was staying in. No idea when, how I did such a thing without anyone noticing because if I have ever been called a hoarder – this one was not going to slide by anyone. I have now confessed to said pizza because I thought it was missing and promptly asked everyone about it not thinking about having to explain my question.
What I think makes the story worth mentioning is that sometime last year this classic pizza shop ended up closing its doors abruptly, so I do not think that many people had the chance to get their final slice. It is not edible by any means and my dad laughed and no one actually asked – probably because anyone that knows me know exactly why I have the last piece of Valentino’s pizza in my freezer.
Now for some music that tugs at my soul.
Fuel
This was the first song that I loved off the album but never understood it the way I do now.
As Is
I really appreciate the passion the live version.
Two Little Girls
Loom
Pixie
I don’t think war is noble And I don’t like to think love is like war But I got a big hot cherry bomb And I want to slip it through the mail slot Of your front door You can’t leave me here I got your back now You’d better have mine ‘Cause you say the coast is clear But you say that all the time So many sheep I quit counting Sleepless and embarrassed About the way that I feel Trying to make mole hills out of mountains Building base camp at the bottom Of a really big deal
Ani DiFranco – Independence Day off Little Plastic Castle released in 1998
Independence Day
You can’t leave me here I got your back now You’d better have mine ‘Cause you say the coast is clear But you say that all the time
I could never vocalize how this song makes me feel.
I don’t want to be afraid.
Photos from Bella Concert Hall in Calgary by Josh Platt
My favorite album of all times has been Pretty Hate Machine by Nine Inch Nails for as long as I can remember. Today I looked up the release date and – well there is no and but it was released October 20, 1989. I have heard all of the songs way too many times and feel quite connected to most of them. The Fragile is also on my list. There’s so much that I could say about life and fear but I just don’t know how to put it into words right now.
Five years ago, today, I saw Nine Inch Nails with Sound Garden – both for the first time. I don’t really remember what was going on at that time but I knew that she was going to be there with C and I was terrified of seeing them. Maybe I was still worried about my heart breaking into millions of pieces. I know it was before I decided that as long as she is in my life, I am happy with the rest. I am not the most open minded lesbian in the world, but I give it my best. Texas has made its way into my inner core at times. In the weeks leading up to the show, I convinced myself that it would be near impossible to accidentally run into one person in the mix of all of those people. In the end, I was only really worried about one of them. I made it through the whole show, made it outside of the venue and much to my dismay, some woman that came with my friend decides that we need a shuttle back to our car. If I know me, I am sure that I threw some sort of fit about having to stand in line to wait to right a bus or something back to our car that was in the closest lot possible. The trolley finally stopped and I made it clear that there was no way in hell that I was getting on that small thing with a bunch of sweaty people and told them I was going to walk – wouldn’t you know that it was at that very moment that I would turn around to be face to face with the one person I was not going to see at the show. Thankfully, he had no idea that he hated me yet and that wouldn’t be the first time that I would see the woman that I fell in love with so many years ago in public with her boyfriend and have to turn and walk away like I didn’t. It’s not a pain that I can describe to many. No one should mix shame with guilt after a shot of excitement. I used to think that I would have reacted differently in such a situation. Society taught me that I should be angry and want to fight, but somewhere along my journey, I realized that the last thing I wanted to do was cause her pain and if I were to react in any other way – I am sure that it would, so I just do my best not to react – but now I look like an insensitive asshole.
The day before I somehow ended up hanging out with and then suddenly in a relationship with Madd – I got drunk and sent her a text. My drunk ass asked if she remembered when I had said something, just a line from this song, clearly struggling with my emotions and showing the world that I am a light weight when it comes to drinking. She simply replied with no and that was enough to leave me mortified. It wasn’t much later that she explained that she just didn’t remember – I don’t know how I can embarrass myself so much in front of one woman that I feel so connected to. I am sure that it’s some defense mechanism, I am the worst with those. I am scared of the world and trust fully with my heart and trust no one with my brain. It leads to complex days for all parties involved.
I am not sure how the next day is probably the day that I ended up in the sandwich shop over-tipping and showing that none of us were tough enough to eat jalapeno poppers. What if they were poisoned? It’s all coming together now. This is what I mean, I am so sick of my competitive, jealous nature. It runs everything in my life and I think that just by recognizing that its present, I can fight it, but it still seems to be a struggle. Sometimes I just need to be able to turn my imagination off and stop thinking for once. Today, I decided I might need a harder job. I have found the down side to doing a cushy job that pays moderately well – too much time to think. I never had time to think about anything but work at my last job.
I have been tired all day, so I am going to try to get some sleep. The dogs woke me up around 6 AM and demanded my attention. As I walked them in my half asleep stuper, my dream replayed in my head.
It was enough to keep me up for a few minutes and against my better judgement, I sent her an email about it – expressing my deepest fears and opening the way that I know better than to do, but here I stand, believing that she is different than anyone else and I can stand defenseless and survive. Its nearly a masochistic test from an observers standpoint. It’s not one that most would commend or recommend.
My dream was quick or at least when I recall it, it equates to seconds. I can’t say that many of my dreams are from an outside perspective but this one started that way. She and I were talking in my alley way of the house that I used to live in. As we talked, we got closer to the street. I had no idea what we were saying, until I asked her if I could walk her home. That was most of my dream, the seconds in which she said No, that she had to go alone. It was more the way she shook her head, nearly in pain. It was the crack in her voice that would tell most that she was fighting back tears. I stood there and watched her walk away.
When I woke up, my heart was racing, there was a lump in my throat and I got up to take the dogs out, because even though I didn’t realize why I had felt that way at the time, I knew there was no laying down and going right back to sleep after that. There is something disheartening about finding math in everything – it leaves you paranoid. I think that is what the movie, The Number 23 is all about. You start to see patterns and probably make up things that aren’t even there. I hate it. I refuse to do the math most times, but due to that mental math that was drilled into my head, a lot of times, I can’t even help but do the math.
I emailed her before trying to lay down and do to sleep, because there is nothing like showing the lady you love that your brain doesn’t quite work right and you’re pretty much special needs at this point – but luckily for me, I am sure that she is well aware.
You know, I am just going to change this up a bit before I go to bed. There is a song that I haven’t hear in a while and though it is old, the first time I ever heard it, was in the last 6 or so years.. I know that there is so documentation about it somewhere, because I didn’t keep my thoughts to myself. I was pulling up at work when the song came on. I sat in my car and listened to the whole thing and declared my feelings immediately following – for the 1000th time I am sure. I mean – what if she didn’t know..
Couch boy is the damn girlfriend that I never wanted. My friend’s make tiny jokes about him but if he didn’t make my brother so damn mad, I could probably handle him but he has a way of getting under anyone’s skin, which is possibly why he is homeless and has been my couch boy since January and he had lived at my ex’s for some time while I was living with her in Kyle but he got himself kicked out of there somehow and now he has gotten himself kicked out of here also.
This fight — is all over a damn light. The way my odd house is set up, there is one main room, we facetiously call it the lobby, and all of the other rooms branch off of that. There is no hallway and there are several lights in this lobby. Since the couch is directly below the fan, I lived with him turning that one off – but I could not even see to walk through my house. He sleeps all day because he works “nights.” His latest shift ends at 3 am and that’s not even technically 3rd shift but whatever, if he wants to pretend that he is a vampire, he will have to do it somewhere else.
My brother struggles with severe depression among other things. We have both been turning the lights on as couch boy turns them off. I eventually installed a florescent light so that I could see in the the walk way and in the last few days, my brother has opened it up and disconnected the switch, however one does that. This lead couch boy to unscrew the makeshift outlet I had installed in a light socket. I don’t think these adapters are used much anymore, but I have a cache of vintage items that I should probably never actually plug in – but since my house is from the 80’s. I am sure it is all compatible – I am 1980’s safe around here, don’t tell my renter’s insurance though.
This set of events lead to my brother messaging me mid day telling me that I needed to get couch boy out of the house. As always, couch boy has a ton of explanations and excuses – which makes it impossible for me to get him out and on his own or draining someone else financially.
Now for a few words from our sponsors. Today, I have been kind of sad.
Today, I fell asleep while she was out and tried not to tell her ‘goodnight’ because I felt like I was a burden and I can feel myself get defensive. At work today we watched a video about recognizing the symptoms of the flight or fight feeling and attempting to control it instead of let it control you. I can say that I am using hat training sooner than I thought. I can’t say that I really have a fight or flight feeling but I have a ‘Please don’t let her disappear again.” feeling because I am so afraid of patterns and love.
She is so busy, I know that it’s not me and I know better but as I feel her distance, I panic and respond in an opposite way. In a week, it will have been 6 months since I saw her. In 8 days, it will be 6 months since I accidentally parked next to her a C at the pizza place. I don’t know what happened that day, but I am sure that I screwed something up when I panicked.
It kind of hurts to pretend like you don’t miss having someone in your life. We talk all day long through message but I can’t help but want to hold her hand and see her. It’s like we are in a long distance relationship blocks away from each other. I have never had such an invisible force field keep me from such desires. Anyway, I can’t really sleep and I am worried that she will tell me that we can’t talk again and I just hate that feeling.
I was in my bathroom when I remembered a quick dream last night, I suppose the dream was most likely much longer but what I remember lasted all of a minute if that.
In my dream, we were standing in my bathroom, which was exceptionally clean (it’s amazing what I can achieve when I care – my biggest challenge). I was standing there in my blue shorts which are some PGA style – I consider them nice. I was wearing a white tank top and there were a few of us standing around. My brother and M were in the group. I picked up this white long sleeve button up that has tiny blue dots on it and asked her if she would be mad if I wore this? She audibly laughed at my question and my brother just said “No.”
When we go to the local gay bar, the young gay boys love to wear shorts with dress shirts and it drives me fucking nuts. I have no idea why I would dream about that but I had worn the pants after my shower the night before my dream and the shirt was hanging in my bathroom on the towel rack because I went to wear it with jeans one day and I didn’t have a white shirt to wear under it – so I changed. I decided my grey tank top showing through was less than professional.
Where were we going? What were we doing? Who cares? I really appreciated the response of laughter to a ridiculous question.
There is no need to go into that last mistake I fell into and how I was reminded as to why I am so scared of women. In the first few months of my last relationship, that I never really wanted to be in, my mom had a crisis. During the crisis I put her at said girlfriend’s house when I ran out of money to keep her in a hotel. This was early July 2016, it started on June 30, that half way point of the year that is painful for many.
One day my mom said. if you ever want to be happy, don’t stay with this bitch. The only point to these comments in a completely unrelated post, is that its not. Within 2 months of my relationship that drug on for years due to manipulation with young children that I could not bare to abandon – my mom, the worst person for a relationship, could tell me that I needed to run. I knew she was right but thought it was a mean thing to say. I thought I could change people, for the better. Teach them that they shouldn’t act like that – but it wasn’t that easy and when I thought I had achieved anything – it was all fake, so just like in 2005, I just held out until they cheated on me. It’s not the best tactic, but I escaped, and that is my story about a bad relationship, but I can’t help but pity here and somehow we remain friends because I will support anyone that will be part of my life – I just have to set boundaries and keep my distance. Her kids and I are close. The nine year old had told me he hates me for more times than I can count.. that’s how you know a kid really cares. They love everything: rocks, toys, everyone they meet, dogs, cats, any animal – but they only scream they hate you when you put them to bed and tell them you love them when they really care.
Back to my real post – every time I play a video on YouTube, this video is one of the 12 squares that remain at the end. I always click it – and I always love it.
And for whatever reason, I felt the need to post another classic.
This morning I woke up with a swollen eye that hurt and itched. I called into work and went to the doctor. I haven’t been to the doctor since January when I lost my insurance, so I actually forgot who my ‘current’ doctor was. Through prescription medicine, I was able to track her down but I ended up going to the walk in clinic anyway because this town is getting too big.
When I was searching through my prescriptions I ended thinking about my psych doctor, which I don’t even completely understand. I have never been to one so I probably don’t even know what to expect. I thought about how we really don’t talk about a whole lot and remembered how he says I don’t trust him, but he is a really nice guy and says it in a nice old man way.
In Late January or February – somewhere in where when everything was falling apart but nothing had started to come back together yet, he said something that I didn’t really understand but it stuck with me. He said, “Well, you have situational depression – anyone would feel this way.” It stood out because it seemed like a dumb comment to me at the time, but for some reason, I felt hope when I realized that might be different than clinical depression – why does it even frickin’ matter… It doesn’t but most people that know me well, know that I fear ending up like my mother in any form or fashion, so maybe finding ways to separate myself from her just helps.
I escaped that conversation in my head and went into the doctor now that I can again. She seemed to think my eye looked pretty bad and inadvertantly made jokes about there was no way in hell I would be able to put this ointment in my eye. She did have to touch it and that was nearly as embarrassing as my annual exams – they tell me to relax.. whatever that means. There is no telling what my file says.
But most importantly, on the way to the doctor, this song came on and I could not help but sing it. Apparently, I know all the words. weird.
