Music

It’s not confidential, I’ve got potential

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Heartland rock, Indie Rock, Music, New Wave, Pop •   0

This song came on the radio this morning and before I knew it, I was thinking about the day that my sister had her first sisterly love talk with me.

We didn’t grow up together. I am the oldest and my father has a large family. I grew to resent my siblings at a young age because I was jealous and didn’t understand. My dad did his best to explain compassion and generosity to me but as a child that dealt with getting made fun of for being poor all my life only to transition into getting made fun of because I was a lesbian – it just didn’t seem fair that my dad helped kids that weren’t even his but that’s another long drawn out story – today, I just want to bring light to the fact that my sister spent about 10 years in foster-care until she aged out. This makes her view on family a lot stronger than mine – because I take everything for granted.

My sister moved in with me in July of 2013 because she had been living out of motels with her boyfriend while my parents struggled to take care of her kids for a few months. When she moved in with me – we were pretty close. She paid attention to things that a brother would never notice. She watched me fall in love with a girl and then she watched me fall apart with confusion. At the time, I had spent the last 5 years of my life protecting my heart and then I met her. Suddenly I forgot to play defense and it was over in no time – but my sister know what happened 5 years prior. She knew that I was not really interested in caring for anyone because I knew that they would just hurt me eventually, so she was shocked when I was quick to forget all of that just a month prior when I met her.

At this point a few months had passed. My sister knew lesbians better than I did by now just because she was a good listener – and a woman. There are not many people left that will try to tell me what to do or give me advice because they know that I will just do what I want to do anyway and this was no different but my sister tried her best to be the best sister possible and I feel like I pretty much called her a liar or suggested she was confused. Her facial expression said it all (Something like – well, I guess I will have to tell her I told you so later…) It was a sad defeated look. There are a few people in the world that absolutely hate when I get my heart ripped out and she is one of them.

She had been at Walmart that day with my oldest niece, which was about 5 at the time. They saw my love interest from afar and my niece yelled her name and wanted to chase her down – she was equally as excited about her.

My sister noticed that she was with a guy and as she gently put it to me, ‘she was sure they were more than just friends.’ I didn’t believe her and told her that she had to be wrong or misunderstood. We were no longer dating and hadn’t been for quite some time but I was still holding my breathe for the next moment I would get to spend with her and my sister was watching from a distance. At the time I had no idea. I couldn’t reference a time frame but it had to be within a few months of meeting her. By December, I had dug myself into an internet hole called craigslist and shot myself in the foot – but I learned a valuable lesson that day – well many. The first one is – Don’t get mad and leave work when your rebound tells you that you can’t be her side chick anymore. AND Don’t get overly excited when you see photos of someone that you are pining over and instantly message them without reading the actual post – because it might just surprise you. And you might wish you had just stayed at work with the other problem that you created. That was December 17, 2014. Next I will go see what I wrote about that.

Prior to that she was at Walmart buying a bike – and my little niece that loved her saw her and my sister started playing defense all around. Kid – don’t interrupt them right now. Sis – there’s something you need to know. At least the 5 year old listened. My dumb ass didn’t think twice about it and told said lady that they saw her at Walmart that day – excitedly – when she mentioned the bike… I may never learn.

Anyway – here is some damn song that made me think about that crap this morning.

Maybe the world is yours?

• by admin • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Grandma, Music, Rock •   0

It finally happened, somehow active shooter emergencies have made their way into my nightmares and to make it even worse, my grandma was involved. As far as I can remember – no one was hurt.

For some reason, there were several women from my family with me and we were sitting in bleachers that resembled a hockey stadium. We were pretty high up in the stadium and there was a barrier in front of us that was high enough to duck behind.

There was some sort of car theft involved and then someone came up to where we were and started shooting a semi automatic rifle into the stands. When we realized what was going on we got my grandma down and I braced myself on top of her, I clenched my teeth and held my breath and with every sound of the gun I expected to be hit.

I don’t remember the ending but as I ducked down there, I wondered when someone would come save us. Why didn’t anyone else have a gun? We were outside and could see where the car had been stolen from. In my dream, I knew the owner of the truck – maybe it was blue, but at this point, I can not recall.

Shooting

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation. If you dream that someone is shooting you in the back, then it means that you are involved with some questionable people who may be harmful to your well-being. It also implies that you are too trusting of others.

Stolen

To dream that something of yours have been stolen indicates that you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life. Alternatively, the dream means that someone has stolen your success or has taken credit for something you did. Perhaps you feel that you have been treated unfairly.

Grandmother

To see your grandmother in your dream represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother. She may also be the archetypal symbol of the wise old woman.

I’m tired of this town again

• by admin • In Heartland rock, Music, Rock •   0

This weekend, I decided to try to remove myself from the situation. I went up and cuddled with my favorite toddler. We went to eat and since I lost my debit card weeks ago and never replaced it, I got away without paying for everything. We dropped the sleeping baby off with a friend and went to 6th street. The drinks were too nasty and expensive to actually get drunk but we did have a 19 year old with us so we went to all the shittiest places that would let us in and I even got patted down to go in a club.

I didn’t distract myself well enough – if she doesn’t want to hear from me then I am sure that I was significantly annoying.

I also visited Zoo Keepers Exotic Pets but the distraction didn’t last long but I did see a sloth.

As I drove back home from Austin, I couldn’t get Tom Petty out of my head – it’s true. I am tired of my magnificent town again. Do you know what it is like to be terrified to park next to any black cars? It’s rough.

We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

• by admin • In Music •   0

Today, I haven’t felt that great but I have tried to keep my feelings to myself and stay busy. My grandma had been emotional because it was her wedding anniversary and that was enough to lead me to be emotional – it’s kinda rough being a lady at times.

I went over to my old friend, Amber’s, apartment today and she kept trying to hook me up with her sister even though she knows exactly how I feel. She laughed at me and had a few things to say that made me laugh and think too much. She told me that there was no way that he didn’t know at this point – which lead me to decide he’s going to be real mad when he realizes how many times we have spoken to each other in that time. What was I supposed to do? This is usually when my brother would say – “If you were a man, you’d end up in jail or murdered.” I am sure that he is right – so at this point in life, I am finally thankful that I am not. I can’t imagine what I would do with a normal life. Well my brother is a straight sis male and he doesn’t so maybe that is assuming too much.

At some point tonight, I decided that I should pour my heart out a little – because how else would you make a lady laugh? She’s actually the sweetest and had been the most delicate with this fragile lady the entire time. That is why I felt the need to explain myself – because, I just felt I had to.

The my brother introduced me to this child-singer from Europe. It’s quite impressive if I do say so myself. I have been particularly emotional today, so here is a set to reflect that.

A Whole New World

This has always been a rough one for me.

Let Her Go

Today, I heard this song on the radio and I was into more that I should be.

Stay

Students from the local high school associate this song with song due to some reenactment to remind them not to drive drunk. We didn’t have that in my school but I didn’t grow up in a college town. I don’t think it’s about drunk driving at all.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy

• by admin • In Country, Music •   0

When I was about twelve years old, I went on a road trip with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to Bybee, Tennessee. We all road in a caravan of suburbans pulling travel trailers through The Smokey Mountains. None of us had any idea that it would be our last big vacation but my grandfather, the leader of the pack, passed away about 3 years later and our family was never really the same after that but that’s not the point of this story today. We spoke on CB radios between the cars as this was many years before I had seen anyone freely use a cell phone without worrying about minutes if they happened to have one for work.

We had made it to ‘Aunt Joan’s’ house though – she was our great-aunt. That summer we explored freezing cold rivers that came from mountain run off, found some poison ivy, explored the tobacco far and climbed all through the loft in their barn. Somewhere around my house there is still a red-haired vintage G.I Joe that we found up there. I went to church with my dad’s cousin and though I knew that something was very different, I didn’t know what it was – but it seemed like something from a movie. He had taken me to a Southern Baptist Church and it was as authentic as it gets. I just observed and tried not to laugh but I had never seen such a thing and when you added their accents in, it felt like I was living s life of satire. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I told my dad about the time I went to church with his cousin, Jimmy, and what it was like and how confused I was as a twelve year old. He laughed and said, “Oh yeah, they are the real Southern Baptists from the bible belt – we don’t even have anything like that around here.” I might as well be in the movie Sweet Home Alabama.

The point of all this writing is to tell the world or at least my future self that it was about then that I had my biggest accomplishment in my dad’s eyes – I out-shot his brother-in-law in front of the whole family. That may be the only reason that he was able to over look the gay thing – because that wasn’t easy for him, BUT this is how that happened and there is a slight advantage that most shooters should recognize but I will let people figure that one out on their own.

There we were, innocently shooting at paper targets and then my uncle wanted to show off. I am not the one to challenge anyone to anything, so there is no way that it was my idea. He chose the guns, which were just pellet guns but he handed me the rifle and he took the handgun. We set the rules and made a bet. I don’t know how many shows each we took but I know that if my dad had any control of it, he still has that paper target.

The bet was, if he was able to shoot closer to the bulls eye out of however many shots then I would have to get him a beer whenever he wanted one for the rest of the trip. If I was the better shot (with the guns we were assigned) then he would have to get me sodas the whole trip. Well if you can’t see it coming that I won, then I should just stop here – but I did and I sure asked for sodas at all of the opportune times simply because even at twelve, I felt the societal constrains on my life and it was the funniest thing to everyone to watch this twelve year old girl boss around her uncle when really he wanted someone to go get his beers and his son wouldn’t and he knew better than to just ask – my grandma would have never stood for that.

Make The World Go Away
What’s He Doing In My World

And for some reason, this song might always make me think about that day that my sister approached such a difficult situation so well – and I told her that she was wrong and she didn’t know what she was talking about – only to be completely wrong and slightly embarrassed.

You Don’t Know Me

Hell I’ll hang on every line

• by admin • In Music •   0

I was pulling into my parking spot and getting out of my car when I realized that a reoccurring dream that I have quite often, is just a dream. It seems so real at the time – but its not true at all.

In my dream, I park my dodge stealth in a dark parking garage of an apartment complex that I am familiar with (in my dream – it does not actually exist to my knowledge). It wasn’t running well and I was planning on coming back for it later. MLE picks me up and takes me to work. I am not sure why we are both employed at actual jobs that exist in my town but they are in this fictional set up. When I am off work, I have her take me to my other car – which is my 1994 Honda Accord – that I did own at the same time as the dodge stealth but I know this specific situation never happened.

She takes me to my car and sometimes I have to walk. It seems as though I drive that car around for months before someone asks me where my other car is and I just can’t remember. At first I try to look for it but then I can’t find it and it’s not where I left it. That parting garage is rows deep with cars like they had in Guatemala. If you were in the first few rows, you weren’t getting out until the other cars moved. Everyone was double and triple parked. I had a flashlight looking at the hood of all of the cars but never found the death sled. Eventually, I give up looking and just tell people that I lost it, as if people just forget where they parked their car and leave it.

Sometimes I believe it’s been towed and I can’t afford to get it out. others I just come to terms with the fact that it’s just gone.

In reality, when I had to me – against my will, I really didn’t have a place to put my car and taking up most of my storage unit with a car seemed ridiculous – now, I wish that it was sitting in my storage but what can you do. I sold it for $500 because I knew that it wasn’t worth anything. It was painful and then I sold my next car for $400 when something went out while I was in Guatemala. Some say I was dealt a bad hand, I am not quite sure what I think.

I couldn’t tell you why but there are a set of Jimmy Buffett songs that have always been comforting to me. Maybe it’s because it’s what I used to fall asleep to when I was little – there is no telling.

A Pirate Looks At Forty
Wonder Why We Ever Go Home
Miss You So Badly
One Particular Harbor

This is not one of them but I am going to save it because I used to listen to this song by the Beetles in my dad’s car on an 8 track player. It may have been the only 8 track tape that he had. I found it in my search for a few good songs.

Yellow Submarine

And this is why I can not afford to see his shows