Music

I know that you’re afraid I’m gonna walk away

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Last night, when this song came on the radio – I could hear her talking to me. Maybe – because she has said most of the words in the song that speak to me – on way or another.

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe
That we’re meant to be
But jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy
Get the best of me
Look, I don’t mean to frustrate, but I
Always make the same mistakes, yeah I
Always make the same mistakes ’cause

I know that you’re afraid
I’m gonna walk away
Each time the feeling fades

You know I’m bad at love

I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find the words to say, “I need you so”

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First, I got stuck listening to this song a few times. I knew that she would certainly think it was a little sad.. so I kept it to myself, but this is the song that would play in my head as I approached the location that I want to see her at, even for 5 minutes. Seems fitting.

I moved on past that quickly but thought about how badly I wanted to go on a Melissa Etheridge cruise with her and see Sarah Mc Lachlan and Melissa Etheridge – then life moved on.

Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think

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The other day when I was driving in the car and flipping through radio stations, I came across “Don’t Blink” right when it started. I listed to the whole song and cried quietly the entire time. Having an 88 year old grandmother during a pandemic has caused me a great deal of fear and stress. I have only seen her once – and that was mainly because I was needed for her mental health reasons – it is really hard for her to stay alone.

I have been trying to concentrate on taking my medicine daily. Once I went to work from home in mid March, my entire routine was thrown off. I no longer got ready for work – I just rolled out of bed. When I started to panic about her working with him again and being quarantined with him and just everything with him and nothing with me – I started to get really worried, jealous – I don’t even know what but I seem to be back to my ‘loving – I don’t care about any of the details as long as she is living the life that she wants to’ self.

Basically, why I mentioned this song, “Don’t Blink” is because it made me cry when I was driving. I rarely listen to an entire new song – things really have to grow on me, but it was reminding me of what I already knew. We had already been discussing how my niece, who was 1 when we met, is a whole ass kid at this point with a 5 year old little brother. It only added to the perspective.

When I found out that there was a cave less than 100 miles away that people got married in, first I joked to the original poster that I was going to get married in her cave and then I ran off to my love to tell her all about it. She responded perfectly, and I like to think that she knows exactly what I am shyly hinting at. Next month will be 7 years since I met her and though I know that it is insane by today’s standards, I really do want to ask her to marry me. I don’t think that either of us really live by anyone’s standards and you can say that we dance to the beat of a different drum, but I sure wish that I could pull off meeting her in the exact spot that we met 7 years ago – I would walk there all dressed up – hopefully she would show up unsuspecting, but I am.. predictable to say the least. I have never even thought about proposing to anyone before. I grew up knowing that marriage was not for me and it would never happen so don’t glorify it.

My mom left when I was 2 – that is many years of watching my father struggle and hearing that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. He was broken and couldn’t even consider dating or trying again. With that said, I grew up with a very young father that had little to no money. By at least 5 years old, I knew that no one had any extra money to give me for any reason – so don’t even think about asking.

In high school, my friends started fantasizing about their weddings, telling me all about where they were going to get married and what they were going to wear. These were all teenage girls that had no serious boyfriends but they knew that they were getting married one day and no better day than 14 years old to start planning it. At the time, I was realizing that not only was I poor but I was also gay – now I would never have money for a wedding nor was it even legal. I knew what a civil union was, this was the late 90s – but I also knew that I would never have any support from anyone.

So basically, I stopped thinking about it. I was actually already in love with this lady once it started becoming legal.

Well – there were a few states long ago. I remember hearing about Virginia on the radio when I was in the car as a kid, but that may have been the start of civil unions. When I saw that Colorado had legalized gay marriage, which it an awful phrase but it gets my point across – I texted her immediately. She told me something like ‘they know whats up in CO.’

At this point gay marriage and marijuana was legal in CO, I don’t think that many could disagree with whatever her statement was. Now it is still legal, even after Trump has ripped apart the nation, so I better jump on it. I can’t say that I don’t think of how I would ask her to marry me way more often that I would expect and it scares the shit out of me every time, but I think that is how it is supposed to go and we should probably go somewhere amazing to do it – not the side of the road but sometimes you have to work with what is possible. The dang Alanis Morisette concert was the day before that day so I thought it was guaranteed that I would spend it with her but those plans got jumbled to say the least.

Oh yes, and last night I had this dream that was replaying a moment from the past where I reached down to grab her hands and she interlaced her fingers in both my hands and – well – I must say, it’s what my dreams are made of.

Here are some sad country songs –

You always were two steps ahead, of everyone

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I absolutely love it when she calls me ‘Sweet Potato” or “Sweet P.” Today was the second day that I went up to the sandwich shop and bought a dozen cookies after I knew that they would be off of work. She had told me that she baked fresh ones today and they were everything that I could have imagined.

She may know by now that the cookies are all just part of my performance art. Craving to be as close as possible without disrupting the universe.

As I take my normal walking path and turn left on A Street – I thought about graphs of asymptotes and how the line continually approaches a given curve but does not meet it at any finite distance.

That must be incredibly frustrating for that cute little line.

So you wanna play with magic

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Last night I threw an emotional fit, alone – because the Alanis Morisette concert that I have been waiting for since December.

I signed up to get a pre-sale ticket and those went so fast, I thought that I would be able to get a ticket with seats after pre-sale was over but those also went so fast that I ended up buying lawn tickets for $120 each – when the pre-sale lawn tickets that I thought I was too good for sold for $43 each. I was so pissed at myself – and NOW – I won’t even get to go. I didn’t really have the $240 to spare at the time but I did it because I thought that I would finally get to go to a concert with her. Hell, at the time, I thought that we would be living together by now and practically married – but I guess that is what happens when you life in a fantasy world and forget to ground yourself with reality.

Ultimately, I know not to depend on anyone but myself and to never get too excited over anything. When I get good news, I try my hardest not to tell anyone for fear that it will disappear before it ever happens. I grew up knowing that marriage wasn’t for people like me. I knew that my father would never be able to afford a wedding before I even understood that I was gay and once I realized I was not only poor but gay too – I knew there was no chance at ever having a normal, happy life – but it hasn’t kept me from dreaming about it.

In 1999 when I realized that I was only interested in women, there was no hope of legalized gay marriage and I thought that legal marijuana was just something people talked about – like feminism. The concept was great but the world would never stand for any of that. At the time, I didn’t even smoke but my dad did and I knew that it was enough to cause worry for my family. I knew that it made me have to lie to people that I loved if the topic ever came up. It was controversial before my sexuality ever existed.

You sound so close but it feels like you’re so far

• by admin • In Country, Folk, Music, Neo-folk, Pop •   0

I flooded my house with the washing machine the other day. Since then I have been pretty tired and on the verge of tears. Visiting Grandma opened that flood gate for me. Since my car had been broken down since before the corona virus outbreak started, I hadn’t been able to go visit her. Finally they asked me to, so I took off a couple of hours from work and went to see her. I took a few pictures – just because I am so afraid of losing everything that I know and love. My life has been relatively stable lately so I don’t really know what is with the flood of emotions on top of my other massive water issues but I am so emotionally exhausted and would like someone to remind me how miserable I became when I did effectively block out most all emotions for about 5 years. Those 5 years practically vanished. I hardly have any reference points or memories at all. There may be a few small joys that come back when referenced or seen in pictures but for the most part – they are just gone.

I really never know what’s going on but ultimately trust her 100% but only trust myself about 85% – so that leads to an internal battle where I convince myself that I am wrong and that I need to just keep to myself and quit being so damn annoying – but this inner monologue is rough. I am my own worst enemy – and now I am stuck with me all alone in some quarantine bullshit while she is with dude.. most all of the time. I wish that I was secure enough for that not to bother me – but it appears that we all knew it. She probably didn’t even want me to know that she was working with him again because she knew that it would make me panic.

Taking my medicine regularly has been difficult too. I have my alarm set for 9:55 and I clock I clock in for work at 10:00 AM – this is another way that I have fucked up my life. We are going back to the office in about 3 weeks from what I understand. I suppose I should start waking up earlier seeing that I typically have a 30 minute commute.

I’m just sad and I don’t even know why but listening to this song did not help matters any.

The world’s a roller coaster

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Last night, I decided to complain about the supposed delivery time for my pizza to her. I had been smoking for hours with my 21 year old neighbor – basically I am a terrible influence. Then I proceeded to relentlessly flirt with that woman that I love, if anyone could ever perceive it as such.

I made an off handed remark about Stoner Pie and she asked if that is really what I had ordered – which it was. I was trying to introduce the neighbor to french fries on a pizza and then I mentioned that I also liked the jalapeno popper pizza – even though actual jalapeno poppers are usually too spicy for me. In this book that is my life, I was alluding to that time I went to the sandwich shop, dude was there and took my order. He is always pleasant with me because he is or at least was a but clueless – but there I was freaking the fuck out on the inside completely conflicted by my core values – but I knew what I had to do and I was fake as fuck, for her sake.

I had still felt bad and completely guilty, though that has been fading the more than she opens up to me, though I don’t know a thing about what goes on with them, which is fine with me because I couldn’t handle it anyway and she probably knows it. Basically, I over tipped him because I am awkward as fuck and I don’t know what the etiquette is when confronting enemies at the counter. So – I threw my money at him. What better way to say fuck you then handing someone a ten just because you can. I really have no idea what I tipped him but I am an asshole that always felt a but superior walking up in there, usually dressed for work, ordering food from him – but that really just makes me a jerk and it was really just over compensating for the inferiority that I actually felt because I knew damn well that he had what I wanted and there was nothing that I was going to do about it. At this point in time, she had just left the state but I didn’t seem to think I had a chance for what ever reason because 4 years ago today – I made a huge mistake by hanging out with Maddison, which is still negativly affecting my life – but I have her kids and especially the little one that still does not understand – and I just can’t abandon her and it is the most complicated.

Thankfully my love still talks to me and I like to believe that she understands because she too might have ended up in a situation that she just doesn’t know how to get of out – but that is my wild lesbian opinion and I try to remind myself of that. I used to be so extreme that I stopped trusting my own opinion. I am not stupid, just opinionated. As I was all the other extremists in any direction, I see the need for waiver. There is no need to be extreme in any direction, which is why I have been trying to step back since the day I realized it. It was somewhere around a fishing trip she had. Probably a day that pushed her away – as it should, but at the time – I was afraid to be close to anyone – so maybe it was subconscious on my side as well.

My lunch break is ending and I am rambling so I will connect the dots before leaving. When I saw the date, I realized that it had been 4 years to the date since he had given my friends and I free jalapeno poppers – because after I over tipped, she over tipped and then I had to explain myself to her. Here is the entries from that time period. I just surprise myself when that kind of thing happens – I am slightly amazed with myself when I fact check and I am correct about an event. Then I go and tell her and remind myself how insane I sound – and somehow she trusts me and talks to me anyway. That is a level of support I have never known. I am fortunate to know such a little human.