Music

Someone said it’s all right

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There was a time in my life that I thought that The Offspring and Sublime were quite similar in my eyes, no necessarily their music but my thoughts and feelings towards them both. At this point, The Offspring has by fast surpassed Sublime on the list of things I enjoy listening to – many of my friends would disagree. Sometime in 2005, I made an MP3 CD that would not be surpassed for the foreseeable future – it included my two favorite Offspring songs: “Bad Habit” and “No Brakes.” That CD stayed in that car for the rest of that car’s existence as I knew it and might still be in that CD player to this day depending on how much luck the man has had that I sold it to for a disappointing and desperate $500.

If you are a human and reading this – there is a good chance you understand how I feel about the foreseeable future. It has made it way into the list or words I would rather not repeat so forget that I even brought attention to that for no reason at all.

I was angry for the next decade. It would take some deep soul searching and maybe a few gmail searches to reflect back and try and figure out when I lost the chip on my shoulder and decided to concentrate on the future instead of the past. I am not sure if anyone else in my life noticed but I would guess it was somewhere around 2015 give or take some years.

I won’t turn this into a Garbage post and I will give it all to one 90s band but it is true to say that I was angry when I met her.. and I try really hard to convert that anger into understanding now. Once I reach the level of understanding, I just want love, attention and a little comforting – so I don’t even know how far I have come but I like to think that I am much better for her now than I was before. Plus, my ticket for no registration didn’t go to a collections agency.. it was everything else in recent times that has.. That is just another petty remark that shouldn’t be said and appears to have absolutely no basis at all and should be laughed at in good humor but it reminds me that I am not as mature as I want to be, no matter how hard I try.

Just hearing these songs reminds me about how mad I used to be at life.

No Brakes (1998)

I might suck at it, but the important part is that I try

Bad Habit (1994)

But I know I’ll do the right thing if the right thing is revealed

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This morning, I woke up and up on Adele. I sung a few of my favorites as I for ready, “One and Only” being one of them. I lead to a text I sent, and somewhere in there the phrase in the title echoed somewhere deep inside. What I was able to articulate from what I was getting was not quite the same but somewhere after lunch it came to me. I could feel the tone of the song and I knew the emotion but I couldn’t place the actual words or even the song itself. Somewhere in the bank just before getting my third Dr. Pepper, it occurred to me, it was revealed not presented. Somehow I was able to piece together, ‘right thing is revealed’ and from there, goggle was able to tell me what I was thinking.

Staind – Epiphany (2001)

I saw Staind live with Marilyn Manson before the next song had even come out yet. It was on Halloween of 2003 in Dallas, TX. I drove all the way up to Davis, Oklahoma to pick up a friend and then we went back to Dallas (I lived a few hours south of Dallas) to go to the Smirnoff Music Center. I was not prepared for the traffic that I was about to run into that day and am lucky that I didn’t die in an awful car wreck. We missed Sevendust but made it in time to see Staind and then Marilyn Manson.

Staind – Right Here Waiting (2005)

One of my favorite Staid songs is actually a Metallica Cover, but I think it is worth throwing in here. I don’t remember which yeah I have been putting, so I will go with the year the song came out on the next one – not the year it was recorded.

Staind – Nothing Else Matters

And that’s what tortures me

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Tonight, as I was aimlessly clicking around on the Internet and reading things that don’t matter – I realized that someone that has been on my friend’s list for a while seems to be a professional musician. That’s kind of cool, so I decided to look into her music.

I am pretty sure that I mat her through an Ani DiFranco group but who knows. She had posted something about her bus that was stolen 6 years ago and it was a 70s model VW so I watched it. Then she talked about touring a lot. After a search or two I heard a few songs but enjoyed the Johnny Cash cover the most.

Also, last night was a moment in history – but that’s between me and the future.

Folsom Prison Blues

Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

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The dreams continued last night, so much so that I slept until nearly 3 PM. I woke up plenty of times but didn’t want to get out of bed, so I just kept going back to sleep. I felt like I was having a good dream but it may have been a mixture of sorts. I could not tell you where one dream started or stopped, so as far as I know, it was just one big dream. I will grace over s few themes that I felt were important.

This was the second dream to include a bicycle in the last few nights. Each time the bike looked similar. Last night it occurred later in the dream. I was alone and going down a steep bike path. It was rocking and all over the place. I seemed to be doing just fine but when I got to the bottom of the hill it seemed to be a dead end into someone’s house. I started to crawl under a fence and a small dog came up to me and growled. I stepped back and eventually an old man on a golf cart came up on the side of the fence with the house. He told me that I passed the last exit back there about a half of a mile. I looked back up the hill trying to figure out how I could ever get back up there when my friends showed up on the other side and the guy left me go through his fence. At this point in my dream, I didn’t know if she was still with my friends, but there she was with the rescue crew and I was so excited to see that she had not gone home yet.

Prior to that I had been in a panic. My grandmother’s house was being sold and I could not afford to buy it. I was beyond distraught. That is about where my love entered the dream. She was always right there with my trying to help me come up with a plan.

There were several other scenarios in the dream but I can’t even think of them right now. We kept getting separated but every time that I would meet back up with my friends, she was always right there with them smiling at me.

Tonight, I read this article and took a pretty nice picture of the full moon.

How to Photograph The Moon (With 10 Great Examples)
Taken with my Canon EOS DIGITAL REBEL XT which is 8 MP because it’s old.

According to Dream Moods, Dream Dictionary:

Bicycle

To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own. If you are riding a push bike, then it means that you want to move forward at your own pace and by your own power.

To see a  bicycle in your dream indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.

If the color of the bicycle was particularly important or memorable, then the dream often relates to specific childhood memories. If you had a yellow bicycle or the neighbor down the street had a red one, then the dream is about what you were going through during that period of your life.

The bicycle in both dreams were grey or silver but I don’t know what that would mean.

House

To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. In general, the attic represents your intellect, the basement represents the subconscious, etc. If the house is empty, then it indicates feelings of insecurity. If the house is shifting, then it suggests that you are going through some personal changes and changing your belief system. To dream that a house has no walls represents a lack of privacy. You feel that everyone is looking over your shoulder or up in your business.

Rock

To see a rock in your dream symbolizes strength, permanence, stability and integrity, as conveyed in the common phrase “as solid as a rock”. The dream may also indicate that you are making a commitment to a relationship or that you are contemplating some changes in your life  that will  lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation. Alternatively, a rock represents stubbornness, disharmony and unhappiness.

To dream that you are climbing a rock signifies your determination, ambition and struggle. If the rock is particularly steep, then it refers to obstacles and disappointments.

If you are walking on rocks in your dream, then it indicates that you are on shaky ground. You may be involved in an uneasy situation. The dream may also be telling you not to get too comfortable or too arrogant.

As they turn your dream to shame

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Leave it to me to yell at myself in my sleep. I would love to say, I used to struggle with a few things – and then I remind myself.. that when I least expect it, my sub-conscience makes sure to jump in and make sure I don’t forget. I guess the trust is, I am completely scared of life and most importantly genuine emotions.

On a short drive to a friend’s house, I reflected on how I least expected that in my dream. I can only tell that by my reaction. I seemed confused and completely off guard which wouldn’t be the case at all. I usually proceed with caution – but this time it wasn’t at that house, it was somewhere else, that I have not seen before.

When I got to Jeremy’s, he was watching Les Miserables. I walked in seconds after this song started and like the drama music boy that he is, he paused the movie to tell me the long back story and make sure that my heart was completely broken before I watched the following scene. I caught myself thinking, “I don’t usually pay attention to the crap on his TV, but when I do, of course it’s something like this.”

I Dreamed a Dream

It was the single most depressing scene to hear about. I didn’t see much else of the movie because I was not there very long. Well – she dies, that was sad. It was enough to set the perspective straight for a little while at least.

I promise you I’d never give up

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That dream played over and over in my head today, even though I was quite busy, I still couldn’t shake it. When I first woke up from it, I was still pretty nervous – feeling like I just got screamed at in my face extremely aggressively but the more time passed, the more I just felt the elated emotions of her reaction.

There were moments in the day when I had the attitude of, “What the hell is he doing in my dreams? This is not how that is supposed to go.” I feel pretty stupid when I enjoy my dreams so much. There I was, in dreamland spending time with my dream lady – and there comes Mr. Ironic to fuck everything up. He isn’t quite a ‘beautiful wife’ by any means but that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t feel like it once in a while. Let it be known that my dream self does not plan to be submissive again. HAH okay I am joking – even if my compartmentalization game is strong, I can’t actually control my dreams or the way they leave me feeling.

This morning was actually my psych appointment. I have to go every 3 months because in early 2018. I decided to try going to MHMR since I felt the need to prove to everyone that I was trying not to be a raging asshole all of the time. Since then, my job has chanced and I escaped the abusive relationship that I ended up in so there really isn’t much left to talk about. He asks me about my dreams. I have shared themes of my reoccurring dreams with he, he confirmed they were anxiety dreams but I don’t typically share many details with him about anything. He knows that I am in love with someone that isn’t allowed to see me. On that front, he has actually been quite supportive. He has never told me that I should stay away from her or distance myself as he had about my ex and my previous job. He had wanted me to seek employment somewhere else, but I told him it simply wasn’t economical for me to do so – but then last year, they laid me off, so that took care of that problem.

Today, I told him about how the baby screaming and Shawn’s dogs whining really got to me the other day. I didn’t tell him that I took a Xanax over it and went to sleep. Those are supposed to be for emergencies – but when I was doing my best to be nice to a screaming kid that wanted the exact keyboard that I was using for more than an hour straight, I just couldn’t deal anymore.

What I want to know is why my dream self sheepishly just walked away when I was told to? Shouldn’t I be some sort of badass in my dreams? Couldn’t I have extended my overly muscely arm over and picked him up by the neck and told him, “If you fucking hurt her, I will kill you.” That’s what my dream self should do. Instead, I stood there as he screamed in my face telling me to get the hell out of his house. Once I was not frozen with fear, I started to leave, only pausing at the door to walk back and ask her is she was okay. That’s when she begged me just to go and said she would catch up with me shortly. I think one of the hardest parts about the dream is the her facial expressions that are stuck in my mind. She seemed so afraid and panicked. I just had to walk away, because I thought it was what she wanted – and it was so hard. The dream ended when I rode a silver mountain bike a few houses down to my own house.

After she said she would meet up with me soon, he added that she wouldn’t. The next moment is actually the most important part of it all because she very sternly said that she was not with him and he would not tell her what to do anymore. The strength in her voice allowed me to walk away knowing that she could emotionally handle the situation. It didn’t really make it easier, but I did walk away – because she asked me to.

If It Makes You Happy (1996)

Not a trace, of doubt in my mind

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Last night, I was at HEB when I heard this song. It may have been the Smash Mouth version, but I found myself bouncing to the beat. When I got home, I told her about the french toast bread that I bought and that I got my dog dog treats. All of it seemed to be pointless information, but when I miss her and want to talk, I tell her the dumbest shit.

Then a bit later in the night, I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream. It’s not often that C enters my ‘dreams’ but it happens once in a while and he scared the crap out of me last night – though I think she was more irritated or embarrassed in my dream – I was startled and surprised.

Like – what did I think would happen? I am not even sure how I ended up there in my dream, I just kind of walk up on her and a few friends doing something in a garage type room. I say something apologizing for just walking in but I didn’t know how to knock. It seemed to be a big open room. She laughed and told me it was fine. There were several people in the room and I don’t even know what we were doing but there was a table and we were looking at and talking about whatever was on the table. It seemed to be some sort of vintage technology that impressed us all but I can’t place what it actually was.

At some point, her and I were sitting in a car listening to something on the radio but that didn’t last long and we were back inside again. There was nothing suggestive or anything more than friendly in the dream but when C walked in the room, he looked straight at me and started screaming asking why I was there. Her face looked horrified, mine looked terrified. Everyone else looked extremely confused. He insulted my car, told me he was going to slash my tires if I didn’t leave right then and as I started to leave, I walked out of the room and then right back in looking straight at her asking if she was okay or if she wanted to come with me. She pleaded with me to just go. She told me that she would see me soon and she was just trying to make this as easy and painless for everyone. Somewhere in there he replied to her saying that she would see me soon – saying she wouldn’t – but she was quick to interject that they were no longer together and he would not be telling her what she could and couldn’t do anymore. He was still screaming for me to get out at the top of his lungs. I just kinda disassociated and stared off as I walked away.

There was no car outside. It was a bike and it was Emily’s bike in my dream. I got on it and rode about 4 houses down and entered my house tat was on the other side of the street. Then I woke up.

So of course, I thought it was a good idea to message her telling her I had a weird dream and telling her to come hold me. That is a rhetorical come hold me. But one all the same.

I’m a Believer (1967)

Been Waiting for Tomorrow

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This morning, I woke up from a dream – my whole body was tense and it felt like I had been having the dream for hours. I knew who it was about but I couldn’t place any details other than I was trying to get her to tell me something.

A few hours after I had been awake, some of the dream started to come back to me. My love and I were talking to my grandma and my grandma made jokes asking when I was going to get married so that I could have her a great-grand baby. My love chimed in and said, “Yeah, you better hurry up, you aren’t getting any younger.” She giggled a little and I didn’t respond right away but when we were alone, I asked her what she had said when we were with my grandma. She shied away and wouldn’t tell me what she had said but smiled and said that I knew what she had said.

That’s really all that I remember but I think it was so much more than that.

Somewhere in Between (2000)

According to SoundFacts.com this is what the song is about.