Music

I’m driving myself crazy and I’m making you insane

• by admin • In Blue Rock, Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music, Soul music •   0

The song that I am adding tonight is more of a compilation of the past, not complete relevant currently but I love it so it is the night’s theme.

I would imagine I mentioned in my last entry that I got a huge splinter, passed out a few times and was taken to the hospital by a friend – in the middle of the Covid-19 shit, which I can’t even stand the word so I only type it for clarity. I had to get a tetanus shot and the spot still hurts on my arm. I guess it had been about a day and a half now but today I start getting a terrible head ache as the rain came in. I reminded myself it could be allergies, it could be pressure change – but of course IT COULD BE COVID-19!

This shit is crap because everyone is all over the place about it. My county is up to 42 cases which statistically sounds really small mathematically, but I remind myself that those are confirmed cases and everything just seemed to always be changing so I can’t even believe anything. I am just staying home and going to the grocery story every few weeks when my dad can take me. A few people have been coming over to my house, but I guess I will see how that ends up for me. Going to the hospital is the move that I would not have made if I could help if and its more than embarrassing that I went for a splinter, but I was freaking the fuck out.

The more I thought about it – this would have never happened when I was poor before I had health insurance. If my brother was home, when I passed out, he would have removed it – saving me the hospital visit, the $150 co pay and possibly any infectious diseases I could have contracted from walking through those doors. But he was not – and the person around me was not someone I need performing medical tasks on my sleeping body, so to the dirty hospital we go. It was actually completely empty. I was screened at the door. It was the fastest visit I have ever had – so around here we are actually doing pretty good compared to most people.

When checking the news, it says 4 people remain hospitalized and 10 have recovered. There were some tents set up to the side of our hospital and from what I understood from people later is that is where they had the Covid-19 patients at. The problem was that I only had ibuprofen at my house and I read some crap that it could cause complications if you were to get the virus – so just to be safe I didn’t want to take it but after my head ache was throbbing and I decided I was more likely to be having side effects to the tetanus shot than anything else, I took the medicine, talked to the woman I love and cried sweetly to her about how much extra attention I needed – and thankfully the medicine kicked in and started working because I am the worst when it comes to feeling bad. I used to get sick a lot but now that I have changed jobs, I really haven’t been sick at all. I had been working in the same building for 15 years before – there is no telling what was going on in that old moldy thing.

On to the song, an internet friend of mine, Bree, of which I met around 2004, introduced me to Doria Roberts. The song tonight comes from her album, Restoration and is the only one I have actually listened to but to my completionist partner, she will be happy to know that I listed to it from start to finish many times. And note to future self; I meant future partner – just slips sometimes. That woman I love. whatever it is that I should say.

Before the song starts, I want to say that she was more like 1000 miles away – but I survived somehow and she came back and my life is so much fuller with her in it. She is currently six blocks away in the least creepy way of saying that, which is less than half of a mile according to the internet. I just want to run to her. I haven’t seen her in so long – but I remind myself – I am lucky to have her in my life and then I continue being grateful, but today I was feeling so sick, scared and alone, it was pretty bad. She found a way to comfort me. I have never believed in metaphysics more in my life.

Basically, I hope she is my twin flame. I’m not even scared.

Doria Roberts – Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought (1999)

I will go down with this ship

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   0

The last week and a half has been incredibly frusterating for me. After my car broke down late at night, with help from my dad, I had it towed to my house. After 2 people have messed with in for over 4 days off and on, I am back to waiting until the weekend for the hope that something will go right. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be looking for a new car soon – and I have that feeling.

I have been fortunate to have plenty of people willing to help me get back and forth to work. With my job, I am completely prepared to work from home at any given moment. Just a few days ago, I picked up four hours that I was able to work from home to cover for another employee. Where that becomes a bad thing is when my car is broken, I am struggling so get up the courage to ask my boss if I can work from home for a few days and he declines.. because he doesn’t want people to take advantage of it. He knows damn well my car is very broken – so that translates to that he has no control of the team, to me.

I had a performance review with said boss today and he had nothing but positive and kind feedback. He paused to try to come up with something that needed improving and laughed his way out of the fact that he had none. He told me that I was up for a promotion but that we didn’t get the raises until September. I will almost feel bad if I am the only one that gets promoted out of the 3 of us in the position but I guess that’s what it’s like when you are working on such a small team.

As I floated my way through my day dream – I joked with myself on the way to a bathroom break later in the day; “Now if my future-girlfriend would just promote me.” I can’t imagine that she would know that I call her that but it’s been going on for way longer than I would be willing to admit. Calling her my ex gf would be completely confusing. I try not to even refer to her by her first name most of the time because of this one time this one thing happened. Basically, if she has ever raised her voice even the slightest when talking to me, I immediately attempted to stop doing whatever it was I was doing to cause that. Then I remind myself that life was a lot different back then but I just try to keep my excited girl self quiet HOWEVER the need to refer to my future girlfriend comes up now and then and that’s what comes out.

The first time someone hears me say it they ask questions like, “…What?!?” Then I simply give a sentence or two statement and act like it’s completely normal. Then I just accuse them of not understanding lesbians if they even think twice about it.

Later in the day, a friend called me on the phone. We talked about a site that I am working on for his job and we moved on to him offering me a place to stay if need be when the time comes. I should handle these situations better because I never do it right but somewhere in there I said that I wasn’t looking for a roommate because my girlfriend would be moving in with me at some point. It just slipped out because.. I didn’t really think that he knows much about my life and just seemed easiest but suddenly he got really excited for me and I had to explain that I had no explanation as to why I said that… but she was just still my future girlfriend. Who needs labels anyway. she knows that she is my love and I think that’s all that matters.

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still

I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Music •   Comments Off on I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands

When Ani announced her tour this year, I looked at the tour dates and picked Meow Wolf or Lake Tahoe to attempt to attend. Both are over 500 miles from my house – one 3 times that. With the budget and inability to see my love, the plans fell through but here is Swan Dive from a show I dreamed of attending.

It’s also a song that’s really special to me from an album that I have grown to love.

The other night I made this art as the second piece in a series that I call Ani DiFranco Paint Splatter. It was displayed on my Deviant Art account.

I’ll be the one, if you want me to

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on I’ll be the one, if you want me to

There is this new polar bear commercial that uses this song, but less than 30 seconds of it. They are about to ruin this song just like they did the Sarah McLachlan song that no one will ever hear the same again.

They keep playing it on the local channels that I have and it leaves a feeling in the pit of my stomach that would be hard for me to explain to most. If you read the other posts with it in them – I should it would be a start.

It leaves me grateful of where I am in life and it reminds me of how offended I was when it came out. I scoffed at the song and took it as a challenge. Over 6 years ago, I knew – that I wasn’t going to give up on her but I did have moments that I was desperate to hear from her and this song carved scars in my bones. Tonight, she tells me that she wants to bathe in the universe with me and I feel complete. Then I suggested that I would climb through her window for her. I sure hope that she always finds my quirks endearing and that I never cross over any weird lines.

My heart was broken before this song ever came out, so when it did – I was already ‘vying for her touch.’ With every note of the piano, my heart breaks a little more. The first few years that I heard this song was more than painful. I would listen to Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball, Rihanna’s Stay. I was the toughest of lesbians. Passenger’s ‘Let Her Go’ frequented my playlist – but there was something about this song that brought me to a halt every single time.

I am so certain of the way that it made me feel, I know that if I were to look back on old posts, I would mention that I wouldn’t really give up on her – but maybe I should stop emailing her.. daily.

There were times that I convinced myself to stop. There were moments that I let my friends convince me that I was bothering her and completely wrong not to mention the epitome of assholes. There was extreme guilt involved coming from multiple directions – but she had a way of always letting me know that was not the case.

Say Something

With you I’d walk anywhere.

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   Comments Off on With you I’d walk anywhere.

There are a few songs that I have known my whole life – most being Jimmy Buffett or some variation of country from the mid 80s or earlier. It seems as though he has gained notoriety in recent years but he didn’t used to be that popular. I can remember being embarrassed that I listened to him, but many of those were my teenage years where anything would have embarrassed me. It was great exposure therapy and helped me get to the point that I am at now. I used to be incredibly shy and most people wouldn’t know it except that one lady that makes me question everything I know just by entering a room.

When it comes to Jimmy Buffett, there are a few songs that I feel get too much attention and this is one of them, but today it touched my heart all the same. She sent me a stunning photo and it lead to me quoting the following song. As I typed out the line and stopped, the song continued in my head. The next line was about California – which I thought was cute so then I wanted to listen to it. I forgot that the first line includes San Francisco, which happens to be where she was at that second in life and it just made me twinkle a little. Then I told her all about it and went on.

The other day, a friend posted this on the Internet and I joked with her that it was going to get me in trouble. This is completely unrelated to the post and kind of the song, but in my heart, its so related.

https://youtu.be/omnDcaEX7ZI?t=227

To hell with the consequence

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock •   0

The night before last, (writing this on 2/3 about 2/2) I had an incredibly realistic dream that kept me in bed most of Sunday. How you might ask? When you are so relaxed and exactly where you want to be – it’s hard to wake up and walk away from that. I can’t say that I ever got back to my dream but I was relaxed and on cloud nine all morning – until I woke up and started to question everything that was life.

It woke up from the dream, which was only a few hours after I went to sleep and texted her to say something cute and suggestive. That would have never occurred during normal hours. So far, I am convinced that at that moment, I was still giggly and thought I realized it was just a dream quickly, I wasn’t convinced that it wasn’t somewhat real – which is damn near crazy and I know that but it’s what I have and I am not complaining.

Well in this dream., it was about so much more than I could possibly write. I couldn’t tell you where we were but she was laying up against me telling me the sweetest things she has ever said then she leaned in and started kissing me. This wasn’t like any dream kiss that I had ever had – not that I can really think of any others but there were sparks. In the next dream sequence something happened that upon recalling I don’t know how I would remember such a thing and then dream about it so many years later but is seemed quite accurate and then it advanced past any memories on to moments that have never happened before. In the dream, it was even a big deal to me.

That all ties back to a conversation we once had – one that I didn’t know how to respond to or what to say but something that seems to circle my hottest dreams. That is about all I am willing to say about those dreams – but it lead me to question a lot. I said a few things to her in real life that I probably wouldn’t have normally said including my initial text about the dream. This is where I will politely trail off.

And that’s the trouble with me

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Dreams, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on And that’s the trouble with me

As February steadily approaches, I am reminded about my ridiculous emotions, the ones that try to over power with my rational ones. It’s been quite apparent that she is going through much more difficult challenges than I am. I just want to be loved and cared about – which I am. I don’t even pretend to know what’s going on over there – because there is what I believe and the truth and I know that they are not one in the same, so I really have no idea how I should think or feel – so I try to do what’s right all of the time and keep my lesbian beliefs and reactions to a minimum.

The above is all that I completed on January 31st but then I walked off to go busy myself at some point and never finished – so I will cut this short and say this:

On this day, I woke up to see that 7 years prior – I had a dream that I still vaguely remember. My turtles were roaming all over my house. There may have been snakes too but since I didn’t mention that, I am sure that was a different dream but I have had dreams of both. I will go back to dream dictionary today and post what the turtle symbolism is in full but I thought that it was quite interesting that I met the woman that I love just a few minutes later. This tells me that deep down in my heart, I knew that I was feeling withdrawn and really wanted to meet someone that I could really connect with – and then I did.

Here is the post that I woke up to on my facebook memories.

Turtle

To see a turtle in your dream symbolizes wisdom, faithfulness, longevity, and loyalty. It also suggests that you need to take it slow in some situation or relationship in your life. With time and patience, you will make steady progress. Alternatively, a turtle indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life. You are putting forth a hard exterior and not letting others in. As a result, you are feeling withdrawn.

To dream that you are being chased by a turtle indicates that you are hiding behind a facade, instead of confronting the things that are bothering you. 

For today’s music or shall I say yesterday’s – I will be random as hell and put the first turtle song that entertained me.

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Yertle The Turtle