What would she think if she could see me right now.. she’d be impressed that I could scream every word to these terrible songs that I have listened to since I owned my first CD…
and I do know.. deep down inside, she would be rooting for me.
but I am still crumbling.
YouTube picked every one of these damn songs – which only proves that I was never cool – only, extremely excited.
I stopped it after that one because it freaked me out. I have seen The Social Network and the way my random poems have changed is really fucking weird. A post with those to come because I have been saving them just because its unbelievable. I guess you notice what is on your mind.
Last week, I worked from home the whole week because someone’s wife had covid. Today, I was one of the lucky ones that got to go back into the office because I wasn’t actually present for whatever meeting they were all ‘exposed’ in. Luckily for me, I have only been working in the office for half of the day and only about 2 of those are hours with other employees. It limits my exposure to all but about 3 people. It also leaves me with very little human interaction, which I usually do not mind at all but after the last few weeks I have had, I just don’t even know what to do to distract myself anymore.
It’s a stark reminder of why I can’t handle being in love. I need someone to talk to but I do not want to talk to anyone but her. Last night I kind of opened up to a random friend that knows a little because I had to explain to her what I meant when I told her that I was in love with someone. This friend happens to be someone that used to like me when we worked together before. She was a teenager so my first reason was that but later I explained to her that despite her age, I was still not interested because of my emotional involvement – it was a common thing to explain to women that thought I was making it all up but I kept it short and sweet and when they realized I was insane – they just left me alone anyway. Well, since she has been hearing about this for several years by now – since it seems faker then longer i said it to people – she was sweet about it. Reminded me that it was probably just as hard in her too and that if she wasn’t reading my messages there was most likely a good reason and the good reason certainly wasn’t that she hated me. I don’t know why it helps when people help me destroy irrational fears, but it does. So I have spent the day trying to remind myself to act my damn age and remember what was important. I still cried way too much but I think I did better. I really have no idea, I actually want to kick my own ass.
I stopped taking all of my mental health medication during covid because it didn’t seem like I needed it anymore. I never had anxiety attacks when I didn’t leave my house. Eventually I quit going to the doctor all together because I got a call from my counselor person saying that she took another job so someone else would be contacting me for my next appointment but then I decided that if she could quit, so could I and since my emotional outbursts were down like we have wanted to do, it seemed successful and I thought I was done. I can’t even remember which came first but here I am, in a new house, completely alone and I haven’t taken any of my medicine in months and I don’t even remember my last psych appointment but he was terrible at phone appointments anyway. In person he could ramble on and on and teach me things about myself that I didn’t know but once it was over the phone, he just asked a few basic questions and took my non answers and refilled the prescription. No one even called me to make that next appointment, A lot of people that go there really need it more than I do, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was worse off – but all that to say is that I guess I am worse off.
I smoke and I drink And every time I blink I have a tiny dream
But as bad as I am I’m proud of the fact That I’m worse than I seem
I guess I need to ask the lady if I am not as bad as I think…
Right now I feel pretty fucked up. After my friend reminded me that is probably just as hard on her that is on me – I have just wanted to protect her from me.
I am going to go take my medicine now – but I am going to continue to listen to songs that tear me to pieces.
But oh baby, maybe someday Maybe somehow.
When my conservative aunt found out that I was a lesbian, she cried and the apologized. She said that she didn’t care that I was gay but that my life was already so hard, it just hurt her to know that it was only going to get harder.
At the time, I brushed it aside thinking that was just a nice thing to say – but the more social situations that I fail at, the more I think about her words and what she meant.
She wasn’t saying it because so many people hate gay people like I thought.
She was saying that she saw the sea of heart break coming my way.
I used to fight back.
I don’t even want to anymore. Now I just want to hang my head in shame and wonder why I ever thought love was possible. I am all over the place and all alone. Hungry and can’t it. Isn’t it Ironic… I don’t think.
Last thing, of all the songs at the concert that I knew would make me cry, this next one was not one that I had ever paid attention to before that night and well, its been haunting me since.
https://youtu.be/1veYTsVMsI0
And that is why I just want to cry and apologize for being such a damn lesbian all the time.
The last couple of weeks have been really difficult on me. I was left stunned and completely speechless when I read her message and then as the day went on and she never returned, my anxiety started to build. I must have been in some sort of denial telling me that she would come back and at least read my messages – but she still has not.
Everything she has said to me over the last three years or really the entire eight and a half years doesn’t just go away. I can’t forget the incredible things that she said nor can I shake the moments that were on the more tragic point in life.
When I woke up in the beginning of August, I knew that it was just a matter of time before she took a phone break for his birthday – now I am left hoping that it only lasts a month or even a year this time.
I am not sure what I was supposed to think or do. What did walking away even mean? Why did she say she wanted to live with me? Why oh why do I let this hurt so damn bad.
Last night I went to Austin, trying to go out with my sister. Things didn’t go as planned. I ended up crying in a gas station parking lot when my car didn’t start right away and almost drove off without taking the gas pump out of my car. A guy saw and ran over and stopped me – I was still crying at that point. I drove home from south Austin crying and not knowing what to do. That’s what I kept thinking about why he would be extra mad when he found out it was me and not the other way around. I thought about how I betrayed him – because I was so excited to know her – and now, I am not even allowed to know her.
I have been screaming every pop song that’s been speaking to me – and crying a lot. I am not cut out for war.
I didn’t see that coming at all – now I wish I never even bought these tickets.
I expected to listen to Jagged Little Pill tonight but it keeps making me cry.
Also, I almost died yesterday, accidently from being distracted. It would have been real bad for many. Thank you to the powers that put that second between me and the truck.
I wondered if she heard him lay on his horn. I had walked closer because it was the first time I had not seen her car – and it scared me. When I walked closer – I saw his so I turned to leave.. too quickly.
It’s painful being a little lesbian. It is amplified when I start worrying about his feelings and needs. It’s then that I get embarrassed – not that I am a complete asshole – because I concern myself with his well-being too. Quite frankly it pissing me off in a weird way – like why can’t I just hate him? It’s weird.
