Someday, YouTube will tell me how many times I have listened to these song – it if was a tape, I would have worn it out by now. At this point I am just clicking on my favorite suggestion to the rights for the next song. It is possible to sit here and do nothing else but listen to the toughest music that I could think to listen to. I check my phone more often than I should and tell myself that she is probably a sleep.
Well, you see her when you fall asleep But never to touch and never to keep ‘Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep
Passenger
I feel like I am only about two steps from Tailor Swift and I have already seen Sarah McLachlan grace the suggested list as if someone is picking the songs for me. It would be nice if these algorithms would just stop – I have seen The Social Network and its working.
Tonight is the first time I have heard this song in a different light.
I am supposed to work about 12 hours straight tomorrow but I can’t seem to force myself to go to bed.
And suddenly.. after the next song, I want to go to bed, I just hope she visits me in my dreams. I try not to ask much.
I wonder if she knows how much I fear July 27th after I spent to many hears missing her. I was walking on the inside of the square nearing her bakery at the time. I paused in my tracks – suddenly wondered if anyone could see me – felt like I was in a horrible movie and was in disbelief a that. She used words that scared me for her so I just backed of quickly but I just don’t think that I should do that anymore – but what can I even do?
It took me eight years to realize that the end of July terrifies me. I wonder if it has always been when her lease was up. The first emotional moments with her that I had, were in late July. Then about 4 years later, I was inviting her to eat lunch with me, which we had been doing nearly every day and she informed me that we couldn’t see each other anymore and we couldn’t even communicate – it was a lot to deal with and lasted nearly two and a half years.
I had felt really secure and though that she had been out of that sham of a relationship that she had been in, but recently, I realized that was not the case. I had thought that she had been single since we started talking again because of the things she would say to me but at some point that must have changed. I try to conceal how badly that hurts because I really don’t want her to know.
I have been in a whirl wind of emotions and I am just so afraid to lose her. I don’t even know what to say or do but I never want to hurt her or make it harder so I try my damnedest not to pull.
I am going back into the office after working from home for more than a year, somehow, I thought this would be the hardest thing I had to do today. I just want to cry and I don’t even want her to know – but she knows. I know she knows.
She is still playing the martyr I am still praying for revolution
You get down, real low down You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train Well, who hasn’t been there before? I come ’round, around the hard way Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread And serve you French toast again Well, okay, I still get stoned I’m not the kind of girl you’d take home
I nearly feel guilty for feeling some songs – but I felt it hard.
I hate when I get lost in songs like this. As I left work, it was playing. Of course, I had to roll down my windows and scream it to myself – it makes me feel better – about doing nothing. I know that she wants me and she even confirms everything that I want to hear but I just feel like I can not complete the puzzle and I do not know what to do.
Some nights, its harder than others. But when I feel like this, I feel like I act like this every damn night.
This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for? Why don’t we break the rules already? I was never one to believe the hype Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard, and I’m half as liked But here they come again to jack my style
Fun.
And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again
Sometimes the words between the lines scream out at me. That’s when I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me. How many patterns can you recognize and disregard before you realize that you aren’t quick or smart – possibly closer to fucking stupid but that is an argument with myself that I hope I never have to truly have.
Current political issues have me fearing the future. As Texas makes abortion less accessible – I fear what next. When “If These Walls Could Talk” came out on HBO, I watched them. The look into the history of abortion terrified me but I didn’t think that it applied to my life at all. Its been over a decade since I have watched either but I know every critical scene because they all got through to me. Now that I have experienced life for about 20 years or more since each, I realize how much the right to an abortion is critical and could affect my life drastically if the circumstances were grossly aligned.
The second one has always been deeply rooted in my heart. I was about 16 or 17 years old when I realized why having a marriage license was so important and at the time there was no hope it sight. I never even fathomed the idea that I may have the possibility to get married in America. Eventually I knew a few counties that I could but that would never help me here. Since then, I have met the one and that was before it was even legal. I celebrated her home state allowing same sexed married months or years after we met. After it was federally legal, my mind tended to drift. It’s kind of cool to have never really believed I would marry anyone but one person, as before her – I never knew it could happen. Enough about the gays, we all know about that and today its more about Demi Moore and 1952.
All those thoughts made me connect each song to each other. When the song below plays, I have equal and different emotions in the same direction as the last, I should probably go to sleep soon, she might miss me in our dreams.
He says I know you have to go You have gone before We are fighting on two different fronts Of the same war But no matter what else I will do I will wait for you
Ani DiFranco
My boxer neighbor was over tonight and saw me writing, she asked about the site. She was so impressed, and said things that really made me feel better about my situation. Sometimes I think I vent to her and just tell her how hard it can be and she really can only listen because she has no personal experiences like that and is so sheltered its nearly an innocent opinion.
People act like caring about someone makes you crazy and sometime that can really hurt.
Here is a song that graced my screen today, its a song that goes so far back in my little heart but it never meant this before. This feeling gets stronger every time i hear it as many months usually pass first. Most sound minded lesbians avoud Sarah McLachlan at all cost, Plus we all see those poor pups on TV at the mention of her name.
‘Hold on, for this is going to hurt like hell’ its actually:
I have seen this movie and this combination hurt before I ever hurt play. Sometimes – I feel like I am stuck in a movie.
It’s 1:11 am, do I get to make a wish? I’ll make half of one – that important half.
I can’t explain why but sometimes I really want to be held by M – and lately it’s been bad. I haven’t seen her in years. I walked away from her in fear that day that we parted at the coffee shop, and though its been just over 2 years – she has never told me that she can’t talk to me since and that really puts my heart at ease. I can’t say that it’s not something I spend way too much time worrying about. I have gotten much better about that now.
My friend’s murder trial is today. Her children, mother and best friend are down in San Antonio in a hotel, waiting to attend tomorrow. That all makes me sick. I still can’t believe that her husband killed her. It really enforced deep seeded fears in my heart. My father’s family was always afraid that my mother would kill him. He endured horrific domestic violence for years. When my brother turned 18, my grandmother cried tears of joy explaining that she had spent the last 20 years worried that something would happen to my dad and we would be taken away. That is a horrible fear.
Times like these make me wish that my future girlfriend could come over once in a while. I want to be tough and handle everything on my own but sometimes I just want her to run her fingers through my hair and let me fall asleep with my head on her chest. I’ve never really gotten that opportunity and if I have it was always cut short.
When I realized that one of the last Sundays that I will be in this neighborhood will be June 13th, it makes me want to cry. I feel helpless and scared. I don’t know why being blocks away makes me feel like I can be there for her if she ever needs me. I don’t know why I am so convinced that she would ever need me but I just struggle with it and I really wish she could move with me.
Today, my dog had to go to the vet. She got preseribed pain medicine and how she can barely walk. Her age is showing and it hurts to be alone right now, I will come back to a place that has helped me many times before and talk about the music.
Today, songs that Jimmy Buffett has covered when my dad mentioned that he had covered some Grateful Dead songs that had surprised him.
My father was a big Jimmy Buffet fan, growing up, I can’t say I knew much music that was not Jimmy Buffet from him or 90s country from my grandparents, well then and older. My grandmother loved Eddie Arnold. When I knew one of his songs, I had no idea why.
My dad explained that Jimmy Buffett’s version is skewed about his daughter at least in the first verse.
Through coincidence, I now own an album that has Eddie Arnold’s version on it – It would be lying if I said I don’t have a set of records with some songs I play that tear me apart. I realize, it’s really not true but I wish we had records.
I believe Patsy Cline’s version may be the original – either way, I have now pulled at my own heart strings so I will continue to post those random add songs from my record collection that I play to loud and feel too hard to.
