The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.
On his birthday, she read my good morning message and then took a phone break for the rest of the day which left me alone to think and worry about how romantic their day might be. I didn’t so much mind her not talking to me – I am not like that, I just get so insecure when I know that she is spending his birthday with him with her phone off and I can’t even see her for five minutes. It just hurts and makes me feel really unimportant in her life. I know that will fade as soon as she starts being sweet to me, but which she is distant, it lingers over my head and makes me feel like she doesn’t take me seriously.
I have to say that the isolation that this year has not made it any easier.
On Friday, I hope that she was having fun – even with him… It just broke my heart to consider that they would be having a romantic evening alone.
I truly believe they are not in a relationship anymore and it’s not like that but the fear seems to still be very real. I just want to be important to her.
It was mid week when a basic email, probably spam, sent a shock to my system. A few months had past since I had really felt my last surge of jealousy. At the time, I was standing in my kitchen cooking and flirting. I don’t know what was exactly said but that’s where I was when I found out that her job had closed down and she was back working with him. I felt a boulder of defeat fall on me that day. I knew there was no change that I would get to see her in any near future now.
Well around Wednesday, I was sleepily clicking through my inbox when today’s date popped out at me. Just when I least expected it, a flood of emotions starting with jealousy, envy, confusion and the slight anger and concern that follows that combination. I have no frickin’ cue what I am so worried about. It’s not like they don’t spend every waking moment together already but it was just a reminder that he gets to spend every birthday with her when I don’t even ever get to see her. It’s just disheartening to me.
I tried to keep my emotions under control, even though she has been quite distant, I just hope that she is doing okay and what makes her heart happy – that seems to be the end result of my minor panic episodes. It just feels so hopeless at times. I never came out and said it to her but I know that she is more than aware of my desires to be around her and most likely for my lack of desire for him to be around – but I try to keep that one under wraps but no one is fooled. In the last few days, I have found myself thankful that so many places are closed today and hoping there are no romantic plans – though – she has been pretty quiet so I can guess that they are busy.
I get this unreasonable concern that he is over there having the time of his life with the lady that I love like some tragic romantic comedy. The likely hood of that is probably quite slim and if that is the case, I will be painfully aware soon enough. Despite my ridiculous fears, I trust her way more than I ever expected to trust anyone. I would like to believe that they haven’t been in that type of relationship for a while but what do I know. Sadly, I know that staying home doesn’t make me any less lonely. That I don’t like being around most of the people that I spend time with to distract myself. The quarantine has already been hard enough. I just struggle with my immaturity in hoping they aren’t having too good of a time. Damn I am an asshole.. Damn, I just want to watch a movie or nap with her once.
It’s true, I am jealous of him a lot – but I try so fucking hard not to be.
Today, I met Jenn’s mom for the first time. We were taking the boys some clothes and food and then got stuck hanging out with her – which is awful for me to say. I should and am ashamed of myself. I am going to set some goals to try to get over this hurdle in my ‘personality’ and I am supposed to schedule a follow up visit with my “Coach” person at the mental health place so I will even talk to her about this. I had plenty of time to think about it because I was stuck driving in silence for hours.
A few days ago, Maddison asked if I would go with her to CC to take the boys their clothes and I agreed for some stupid reason. At the time I didn’t work but at the last minute, Lisa, my arch work enemy, had Internet issues and could not work. I offered to pick up the first half of her shift, because I was driving to CC after which is about 3 hours away.
Everything was broken at work. I took 16 calls before everything completely stopped working and it sounded like I was talking on VoIP on dial up or something. I absolutely detested cell phones when they first came out because most calls sounded like that. I don’t want a delay, static or packet loss on my phone calls. I spoke to 16 people telling me they couldn’t hear me and asking me if they should call back as I repeated, “Don’t call back – the phones are broken, send an email!” The only emails that I actually got were to say the phones didn’t work. I was able to gather enough information to get it reported just to argue with the networking guy telling me “Everything looked good over there.” Until my boss eventually woke up (literally – this was all happening around 8 am) and got someone to actually help. Eventually my phone stopped working and then they fixed the issue except I could never get back online so I ended up leaving for the day 2 hours after I came in and I spent at least 15 minutes trying to reconnect so most of that was in the first hour and a half. Let it be known that I do not function well before 10 – ever.
They tried to get me to come in the office around that time but I explained that driving 30 minutes to work for an hour and 30 minutes to drive home 30 minutes and then to CC and back for 6+ hours did not sound fund at all. Eventually 3 other co workers got online and helped so I could leave. I work from home now so leave just meant – turning off the damn computer and phone.
Maddison had a delay, so she got here about 2 pm. From what I understood, we were going there, spending about 2 hours there and coming home. That is home by 10 easily. If I could be home by 10 it sounded fine to me. I try to sleep on the way and I think she bitches about that so then I try not to sleep as I am trying to sleep, it was all very complicated. We get there and I have to carry groceries in, which I was pretty clear on that I was not there to do any labor but it’s very hard for me to stand around while other people work. Then Jenn’s mom wanted us to go to her storage unit and get things. I don’t know why – maybe Maddison has the keys. So then we were stuck doing that. I have no time to go to my own storage, yet here I am standing around one nearly 300 miles away. There I stand my ground and I am lazy and spend my time messaging the lady or at least playing pokemon.
I had asked Maddison if we could stop by the beach on our way out but I wasn’t trying to make an hour ordeal about it. I didn’t realize we were going to have to go so far for the water either, last time it was right in the middle of towns next to all the restaurants, this time they took me all the way across the bridge to go to port a and I was already over it. I wanted to take pictures and it was already dark. I don’t really want to walk in the ocean after dark, thank you. I did anyway and just risked it because no one cared about what I wanted, clearly. It was about 9 around this time and I had started to make things less than fun since I had expected to be home by 10. I kept making it clear that I was wanting to go home and that I didn’t want to be driving past midnight, but somehow I was not in on her mind games and the Jenn’s mom asked if we could go through downtown to take the scenic route – though it was clear I wanted to leave – so Maddison asked me expecting me to say ‘No.’ Of course I didn’t say no – I just got more frickin irritated because I wanted to go home and I had to go to the bathroom and now we are driving down some street to see something in the dark in the town that she lives in. I just didn’t understand – NOR do I understand why Maddion was making me say “No.” She was the one driving. It was her car and her trip. She is the one that used to live with them. She is the one that knew Jenn for 8 years, I was just there for support because I hate when my friends are brutally murdered – not that it has happened before but I do hate it – and I do hate that I can’t handle acting nice for that long. I am sure many people can act nice even when they felt like I did – but I could not and people don’t like that.
So once we drive around randomly, we went back to her house and she helped Jenn’s mom fill out some sort of application. There would have been another but the website was offline for hours. At this point, I was doing everything I could to try to stay calm because it feels like they are just trying to take longer.
We finally left around 10 but I went to the passenger seat, so she drove and then started bitching about it so I made her pull over to get gas. She said it was because I didn’t bring weed but really I just wanted to be home. I didn’t appreciate her keeping me out so late. I don’t even find it very safe to be driving on the high way after midnight – the worst new stories have articles of wrecks that happen hate at night. She will say that is stupid and insane but I am sure I know someone that would at least agree that could be right.
I don’t think I really understood emotional manipulation before I met her. She will say its all me, but everyone I know will back me up and reassure me that there is nothing wrong with me, even if I let her get to me – including that mental health “Coach” I mentioned. Her name is Sarah, she’s pretty cool. I actually met her at a drag show before I ever met her professionally. She’s actually met Maddison because she has been a patient there but as expected, she has not been consistent with her mental health appointments and I have not missed one since the fight (1/18). Well that is not true. I did not know that I had one of them, so I missed one – but that is all and no one was too mad at me. No we talk on the phone and it’s super fun. I actually haven’t talked to Sarah since Covid – I am sure that can count as missed appt #2 but they have just been closed or whatever – I am not sure.
So when I drive – Maddison is so mad that I am speeding. She keeps yelling that I never drive my car this way – well, I am usually not in my car 3 hours away – 3 hours behind schedule and I remind her that my car can’t even do 100 – and I am not even sure why I was going so fast, except, its a new car and it’s easy to go fast on the high way. I usually use that much pressure to barely reach 80, while going downhill. So she keeps screaming at me about ruining everything and tells me that if I don’t want to drive that I can get out of the car and figure out how I am getting home. This wasn’t even 11 year. When I was down there, I wondered what I would do if she threaten to leave me. She bounces between being a nice normal person and being an evil vindictive person and it’s just so confusing. My mom used to be like that. It has really given me perspective as to what my father had to go through in life and his was way way worse because he did stay because they were his kids and even though she eventually left, he never gave up on her.. well not until we were grown and actually after that. It was June 30, 2016 to be exact. That was the second time I took my mom to the hospital for a psych eval. The next day is the second time the basically forced me to come get her. However, the second time I refused to take her back to his house because I knew that if my mom went back to my dad’s house – someone would end up dead and the other would end up in prison, so I did what I had to do and I paid for the plane ticket that she wanted and sent her to Georgia.
I feel like we all kind of gave up on her that day. My brother excluded, he had passed that judgement long ago. He didn’t have the attitude my dad did when she tried to hit him. He watched it his whole life and knew that she deserved what she got. At the same time, he never hit her. From what I know, my mom tried to punch my brother once. He can recite the story like it was yesterday. Chy was there; she was just a baby. My mom called the police on my brother saying he beat her up over this.
She swung to punch him (which is the most uncoordinated drunk punch you can imagine) and my brother, who was about 25 at the time and actively in marshal arts training, moved out of the way and redirected her energy so she continued into that punch and ended up on the ground. From what I know – she was so drunk, she may not even know how she ended up on the ground but the cops show up after she calls.
Since there is a baby in the house, they ask her if she has somewhere else to sleep. My brother runs down to the neighbors A frame house in the rain and ask if she can stay there, because they had supplied her with the alcohol. They agreed but by the time he returned to the house, she was already getting cuffed. I believe the next lines of the store is that she smarted off to a cop, but I don’t really know what was said. I lived a pretty normal life back then.
My mother is someone that was failed by the system. There is so much about police reform, that is a night that they needed to look into deeper. Starting in 1990, that county should have countless records of my mom abusing my dad but when I called for help in 2016 – no one had any records, no one could help. I called crisis hotlines. I took her to the hospital twice trying to get her help but no one would help. They would shoot her full of adivan, test her, say she is fine. AND then send her home without any medicine or direction. She was seeing the mental health people in her county – its just ridiculous, so I had to just chance it. As it turns out – she has spent plenty of time in jail and repeated the same patterns with the guy she moved in with. He is her next door neighbor from when she was in grade school. She met up with him on facebook and that’s how that happened. For a while, we felt we took advantage of him by sending her but she had her own income through back child support and all. It took a while but I know that we were just protecting ourselves.
I have completely lost track of my terrible night. When I noticed it was almost 11 I told her that I had to pull over to text the lady. She didn’t question it because she knows that I won’t miss that text. So I go to the bathroom and just start crying because I really wonder if she is going to leave me there. I just opened up to M and said some stuff that was on my mind. I cried a lot in that bathroom stall at that random gas station. Even left without buying something because I didn’t have my wallet. Turns out, crying girls can use the restroom with no questions asked and you just get a “Have a good night” from the clerk. Maybe they don’t make you buy something anymore but I thought that was a pretty big deal.
Maddison starts to switch between insane bitch to “Do you feel better now?” I don’t know if she meant because I texted M or something else but I was my charming self and told her I no longer had to shit and I think she may have been on the phone with someone. She continued to complain about my driving. I continued to drive too fast. I told her that I had to work at 8 AM, by 1 AM I am fucking tired. She didn’t seem to understand but I don’t know that she has had a full-time job since I met her.
The end of the story is that somehow I made it home. I left at 2:06 PM and got home at 12:44 AM. It would have been nicer if I didn’t work from 8:00 AM to 10:00 AM before following through with this stupid idea. What gets me is that I was there because she needed help driving and asked if I could go. I said, yeah that shouldn’t be a problem in text which is what I am held to but I specifically asked how long we would be there because I didn’t want to be out all night and I thought home by 10 was reasonable.
In my mind, she knew that i would never agree to a 10 hour and 45 minute trip so instead she acted like we would be back in 8 hours and then makes me feel crazy when I start to get irritated when I start to notice there is no way in hell we will be home near 10 and then we don’t even leave by 10. No one there cared at all – and NONE of them work a full time job. Fuck.
Should I mention, I barely ate at all.
So, I messaged the lady a lot because.. she said I could and I kinda really wanted to talk. Damn I hope that kind of things is okay. Turns out I seem to be more fearful that I let myself believe.
Last night, I had the sweetest dream that is still giving me slightest chills when I think about it.
I seem to wake up with really strong emotions and only remember seconds of my dreams. This morning, I woke remembering her straddling my back and touching me softly. She squeezed my shoulders and then leaned in and softly kissed up the middle of my back near my shoulder blades as she ran her hands down my shoulders. The rush of endorphins seem to be what always wakes me up. I actually believe its more of a repeat of something that has happened before based on other dreams like that. She is the most sensual.. most delicate.. I am typically not into anyone touching me but I’d like to think that I was never like that with her.
It’s all a little funny when I think about it – though I try to stay out of those compartments in the brain. If I would have known the half of it, I would have reacted completely different and ruined everything – so in the end, I am delightfully happy that everything went the way it did and I became ridiculously attached to a woman that I can’t get enough of – I can’t imagine that was really her goal but I hope she enjoys it as much as I do.
I am left wanting her to teach me what I need to know – 7 years ago, I was not in the position to be everything I needed to be. Yesterday, I was driving, and thinking, because I can’t help that. I was scanning the radio stations and stopping at whatever caught my attention. I listened to several classic country songs that — okay one brought a tear to my eye so I will post it below the lesbian music of the post. Anyway, it left me thinking about The Field of Dreams. A movie that I insisted on watching a million times. I had about 3 I was stuck on. Now I have read that anxious children will do this. The world knew that I had everything against me – but I think that I am doing just fine and I believe that I have someone that loves me, despite her limitations and its more important than anything else in this superficial world to me. So – I convinced myself that I need to drag myself out of whatever depression that I have fallen into and redirect my energy.
Also, I drove to San Antonio and back twice yesterday because I left water boiling on my stove and remembered while I was at my grandma’s house. I called my dad and it was a whole ordeal but everything was fine. I learned that I need to stick with steal pots. Last time I left an aluminum pot on the stove too long, it melted. Nothing bad happened but I had hours of driving and thinking –
When left me telling myself, “Build it and She Will Come” which isn’t as easy as just building a baseball stadium like in the movie.. okay I guess that is not easy but – I need to continue to make the needed changes in my life so that I am not embarrassed if she randomly shows up. I need to live life as if I am ready and quit moping around all the damn time because I think I can tell the future based on a couple random things that could mean anything.
Anyway, I loved the moments of thinking about her lips gracing my back – the hair on my legs stand up if I even think about it. I am glad no one is counting how long it has been since someone has touched me. Most would think it was pathetic, I prefer to consider it wholesome. I am kind of grossed out when people try to get me to distract myself with someone else. I simply say, “but I am in love with….” and they follow it up with soo.. and try to convince me – but I have no desire what so ever and I often question what is wrong with people, but I suppose I should wonder – what is wrong with me? I don’t care – I don’t mind it at all – and maybe that is why my dad never dated again. Maybe when you are raised without so much sexual influence, you don’t feel the same as other people.
https://youtu.be/Z4IiRR__DWg
This song followed on YouTube.. so I kept it.
Then I learned a new song from YouTube
Country song that made me emotional because I’m a wuss.
One day. I heard a line in this song that stole my attention. so I listen to it once in a while.
• byadmin • InGrammy Nominee, Music, Pop • Comments Off on I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find the words to say, “I need you so”
First, I got stuck listening to this song a few times. I knew that she would certainly think it was a little sad.. so I kept it to myself, but this is the song that would play in my head as I approached the location that I want to see her at, even for 5 minutes. Seems fitting.
I moved on past that quickly but thought about how badly I wanted to go on a Melissa Etheridge cruise with her and see Sarah Mc Lachlan and Melissa Etheridge – then life moved on.
Last night I threw an emotional fit, alone – because the Alanis Morisette concert that I have been waiting for since December.
I signed up to get a pre-sale ticket and those went so fast, I thought that I would be able to get a ticket with seats after pre-sale was over but those also went so fast that I ended up buying lawn tickets for $120 each – when the pre-sale lawn tickets that I thought I was too good for sold for $43 each. I was so pissed at myself – and NOW – I won’t even get to go. I didn’t really have the $240 to spare at the time but I did it because I thought that I would finally get to go to a concert with her. Hell, at the time, I thought that we would be living together by now and practically married – but I guess that is what happens when you life in a fantasy world and forget to ground yourself with reality.
Ultimately, I know not to depend on anyone but myself and to never get too excited over anything. When I get good news, I try my hardest not to tell anyone for fear that it will disappear before it ever happens. I grew up knowing that marriage wasn’t for people like me. I knew that my father would never be able to afford a wedding before I even understood that I was gay and once I realized I was not only poor but gay too – I knew there was no chance at ever having a normal, happy life – but it hasn’t kept me from dreaming about it.
In 1999 when I realized that I was only interested in women, there was no hope of legalized gay marriage and I thought that legal marijuana was just something people talked about – like feminism. The concept was great but the world would never stand for any of that. At the time, I didn’t even smoke but my dad did and I knew that it was enough to cause worry for my family. I knew that it made me have to lie to people that I loved if the topic ever came up. It was controversial before my sexuality ever existed.
Last night, I decided to complain about the supposed delivery time for my pizza to her. I had been smoking for hours with my 21 year old neighbor – basically I am a terrible influence. Then I proceeded to relentlessly flirt with that woman that I love, if anyone could ever perceive it as such.
I made an off handed remark about Stoner Pie and she asked if that is really what I had ordered – which it was. I was trying to introduce the neighbor to french fries on a pizza and then I mentioned that I also liked the jalapeno popper pizza – even though actual jalapeno poppers are usually too spicy for me. In this book that is my life, I was alluding to that time I went to the sandwich shop, dude was there and took my order. He is always pleasant with me because he is or at least was a but clueless – but there I was freaking the fuck out on the inside completely conflicted by my core values – but I knew what I had to do and I was fake as fuck, for her sake.
I had still felt bad and completely guilty, though that has been fading the more than she opens up to me, though I don’t know a thing about what goes on with them, which is fine with me because I couldn’t handle it anyway and she probably knows it. Basically, I over tipped him because I am awkward as fuck and I don’t know what the etiquette is when confronting enemies at the counter. So – I threw my money at him. What better way to say fuck you then handing someone a ten just because you can. I really have no idea what I tipped him but I am an asshole that always felt a but superior walking up in there, usually dressed for work, ordering food from him – but that really just makes me a jerk and it was really just over compensating for the inferiority that I actually felt because I knew damn well that he had what I wanted and there was nothing that I was going to do about it. At this point in time, she had just left the state but I didn’t seem to think I had a chance for what ever reason because 4 years ago today – I made a huge mistake by hanging out with Maddison, which is still negativly affecting my life – but I have her kids and especially the little one that still does not understand – and I just can’t abandon her and it is the most complicated.
Thankfully my love still talks to me and I like to believe that she understands because she too might have ended up in a situation that she just doesn’t know how to get of out – but that is my wild lesbian opinion and I try to remind myself of that. I used to be so extreme that I stopped trusting my own opinion. I am not stupid, just opinionated. As I was all the other extremists in any direction, I see the need for waiver. There is no need to be extreme in any direction, which is why I have been trying to step back since the day I realized it. It was somewhere around a fishing trip she had. Probably a day that pushed her away – as it should, but at the time – I was afraid to be close to anyone – so maybe it was subconscious on my side as well.
My lunch break is ending and I am rambling so I will connect the dots before leaving. When I saw the date, I realized that it had been 4 years to the date since he had given my friends and I free jalapeno poppers – because after I over tipped, she over tipped and then I had to explain myself to her. Here is the entries from that time period. I just surprise myself when that kind of thing happens – I am slightly amazed with myself when I fact check and I am correct about an event. Then I go and tell her and remind myself how insane I sound – and somehow she trusts me and talks to me anyway. That is a level of support I have never known. I am fortunate to know such a little human.
Last night I had two very strange dreams but I think an interesting fact to add is that right before I fell asleep, I accidentally video called here and I was beside myself. I went to bed early just because I was embarrassed.
The dream that I remember from that night was probably related. It took place across the street from my childhood home that I lived in until about 2nd grade. We had walked across the road to the neighbors house and they had some sort of gym / obstacle course set up for the public. As I approached, I realized that C was in line a few people ahead of me and suddenly I was concerned that I was topless and I didn’t want him to see me. So I went home to put a shirt on. I seem to have a lot of dreams where I am completely comfortable being topless and then something happens and suddenly I am not confident anymore. Before I got nervous, I saw that he was there with 2 women – and as I started to get nervous, I realized that neither were here. I started to get defensive for her and then realized she probably didn’t care or at least didn’t want to care so I did not take it upon myself to tell her. In my dream, I guess I wanted to protect her and did not want him seeing me. Possibly common themes in my life. Once I got back after putting a shirt on, he was no where to be seen.
The is the only dream that I had at night. I was watching the kid and she was asleep next to me. She wakes up earlier than I do so when she does, she wants to watch ‘shows’ on my phone. I had given her my phone and put something on and fallen back to sleep. It may have been my guilty conscience yelling at me but the next dream that I had involved a bus. I had been driving the bus with her in it down the highway and we stopped at my house on the way to the destination. She is 5 years old which will be relevant in a minute. In my dream, I came inside and told her I was going to take a nap and then next thing I know is that she is missing and so is the bus. Somehow I am able to call this 5 year old and I have found out that she has made it back to the highway with this bus. I keep telling her to pull over and she keeps telling me that she doesn’t know how. For some reason I have no car so now I am stuck calling her mom begging her to come get me so we can go find the kid who is out driving this bus. Basically, I could not get her to cooperate or take anything seriously and I was freaking the fuck out. I am going to throw some words down here too look at later then head to bed.
I have someone to meet in dream land and I would hate to be late. Since my eyes are growing heavy – I know that she must be waiting to hold me close.
To dream that you are in a gymnasium indicates that you need to apply what you learned and incorporate it into your daily life. Alternatively, the gym may be telling you that you need to get more exercise.
Obstacle Courses
To dream that you are going through an obstacle course symbolizes the hardships and difficulties that you are experiencing in your waking life. It represents the things that you must overcome in order to reach your goals. The elements in the obstacle course is analogous to the barriers and problems in your life.
Nudity indicates fear of exposure:
Becoming mortified at the realization that you are naked in a public place may reflect your fear of being exposed and feelings of shame. You may be hiding something and are afraid that others can see right through you. Hence, you dream of yourself naked!
Nudity indicates insecurity:
Your naked dream may also point to insecurity issues. You feel that all eyes are always on you – laughing at you, judging you or criticizing you. Being naked magnifies the notion that everyone is pointing at you and laughing. Most of the time, it’s all on your head.
Bus
Dreaming that you are driving a bus means that you are a group leader and a trend setter. If you are driving a stolen bus in your dream, then it means that you are taking drastic measures to get control of your destiny. You are refusing to go along with the system.
To dream that you are a bus driver suggests that you are moving forward quickly. You need to show more patience and less force. In particular, if you are a school bus driver, then it signifies that through knowledge and learning you will advance rapidly in life. Your dream may be connected with a new learning situation.
